that light at the end of the tunnel isnt a train....stay on track!

[ThatVikRinA22]

thought we had better have a new one - old one nearly full. Think this is our 4th thread now....

linky to old one here

so, here we go....title a little more optimistic than i feel but im sure i will get back on track soon.....not doing bad particularly, just feeling a bit consumed with things....work is so intense. id forgotten.

anyway....nuff of me. over to you guys....
hope everyone manages to find us to say "hi"....welcome old and new.

CiQ sorry it's been one of those days, but it sounds like your doing so much! Cut yourself some slack, superwoman..
I've discovered tho that I feel better when I do things too.

I like that Helles

By reding back I missed the newest posts.

CIQ Never be about having a difficult time - the fact that you feel that way and haven't turned your face to the wall is something to celebrate and be proud of.

And, sorry zombie I forgot to welcome you. Side effects are horrible but I tend not to read the information so I notice them less. It is only when people share their side effects that I realise I have them too.

Hi Vicar and Helles.

Hoochy, I've been retired for a few years now. I don't much like what you say about losing weight though. The stress of the last year in particular has meant that I already lost 2 stone between last July and now. I need to put back on at least half stone if not more as it is.

Thanks for that information, Vicar. My GP did mention that taking it at night could reduce the side effects so from tomorrow I'll start taking it just after dinner. I'm well used to coping with fatigue after the chemo and radiotherapy. I have absolutely no qualms about collapsing into bed for a nap any time.

I have dipped in and out of lurking on the previous threads. I'll go back and read them properly now that I've dived in.

I have had a bit of good news! The LLETZ biopsy results have arrived.

"I am writing to inform you that the cervical loop biopsy (LLETZ) which we took recently shows no evidence of any cancerous changes. The excised portion of skin showed CIN1 and CIN2 so it is important that you attend your GP's surgery for a follow up smear sample in six months time. There is no need to see you again in the Colposcopy Clinic."

So, that's one worry off the list for a while at least.

Glad to hear that, Zombie

great news zombie .

Thanks Helles I sometimes feel embarrassed cos I seem to be yoyo-ing so much on here. I like your Nevermind tale and really hope your counselling proves helpful.

Thanks hoochy it is pain trying to get the balance right. I feel like a waste of space when I do little... sofa and TV now. Brilliant to hear you've had some nice evenings out

Hello to vicar UA Basset Ed notso and everyone...

zombie that is wonderful news . Wonderful news. .x

[Smile] I did some ironing!

Now I am ignoring the washing up and having a veg before bed. The counsellor suggested that when I don't feel like doing anything, I give myself permission not to do anything rather than not do anything but hate myself.

I have a new pet (not a tarantula - yet!), was in bed this morning with DD and she said "mummy, theres a spider" I looked up and above my head was a mahoosive house spider. Of course my first instinct was OMFG spider!!!! I mean, it so easily could have landed on my face . But of coure I want a tarantula for a pet so i can't freak out at a house spider - albeit one with hobnail boots on. So, sat there staring up at it for a while but had to get up - DD stayed to talk to it!! We decided to call him gary biglegs, or gary for short (must be said in brummie accent). Have been in the bedroom a few times today to talk to him, he fortunately isn't over the bed anymore, that was a bit much!

I wish everything was as simple as spiders!! my bloody mother is driving me nuts again, got me round there to "ask me something" went on and on about doctors and tablets etc, in the end i just had to say, look i need to go and cook dinner for DD and DP, it was 7.30. When i got home she was on the phone to DP, going on about how im not interested bla bla bla - he told her i wasn't well, under the doctor, on ADs etc and can't cope with her crap the other day - her words: She'll get over it! FFS

DP got the right royal hump with me again :( I can't help it but my mother is a real trigger - is helping

I feel a bit pathetic though, you guys have been through so much, i just dont seem to be able to cope with anything

i am just focusing on getting my tarantula when im better.

(((hugs))) Lem we're in this together, try not to compare yourself to others (wish I could take my own advice). Your mother sounds like a really negative force - no wonder she's bringing you down. My DH banned my mum from coming over for a month or so when I was at my worse (she's had depression for ever), and answered the phone to her, and it did help. Do you have an answerphone? It's OK to have some distance from people that bring you down - even if it is your mother. You are coping with lots - just read back if you need reminding and you're being a good mum too. That's worth a Lot. Say Hi to Gary. Those big house spiders freak me out x

Oh zombie - that is bloody fantastic news so it is!!! Just read about your biopsy results - so so pleased for you. Now you will have yearly smears for the next ten years so can be cock sure you wont develop anything!! I might just have anotehr for you!!!

lem I didn't think anything much had ever happened to "justify" the way I felt. It is only now I realise how bad my marriage was and how emotionally isolated I have been for most of my life.

Your mum sounds as much fun as mine!

Your mum sounds like a classic narcissist LEM . Hard work and nothing you do will ever change them . There is a thread in relationships that opened my eyes .

just nipping in to say zombie that is truly wonderful news.

Anybody up? Feeling really low tonight. Ran out of steam completely at 7. Dozed on sofa and woke feeling worse - v sad as well as the old treacle thing. This feels endless. Dh had enough too. He came up briefly when I was crying, said you are making progress and went again. Dont blame him

Am here ciq

zombie fab news :) how are you feeling?

basset thanks for that, we are really stretched at work just now but I have fab colleagues who are all very supportive (have honestly not worked with a better group of nurses) and they know am struggling a bit personally so it would not be a huge shock.

hoochy thanks, do you mind me asking what kind of placement you are on?

ciq if it makes you feel any better my gp phoned me today and I ended up crying on the phone to him, and him asking if there was anyone with me, I feel like a wreck at times, my dm told me yesterday to pull myself together (nicely) and am trying but it's so bloody hard at times.

im here ciq
this illness does play tricks - when you are low you think the worst - you DH cares he just doesnt know what to say.
what can he say?
please dont think that means he doesnt care though, sometimes feelings just need to run their course.

ill be here for a bit if you need a hand to hold.
i have done something terrible and bought 10 cigs....now everyone is in bed im going to nip out for one....
i need to not start smoking again. this is bad. ive been stopped for 11 years!

lem tonight i went out into the garden to find a large spider on the wall.

i also put one out the other night that was playing dead after my cats had had a go at playing with him!

he was so clever. he just curled up and played dead.....until i popped him on a dustpan and put him out!

i like tarantulas. not sure dh would go that far though - i have my ratty girls - he will just about stroke them! he wont have them on him though! wuss!

Thanks notso and vicar I must have fallen asleep just before your posts. Knackered this morning but have to get up for doc and counselling appts. Wobbly. The support here is soooo special x.

Take care everyone x

notso Yes that does help Thanks, knowing you have some major wobbles too. Lovely to hear you have a really good bunch of colleagues. That makes a huge difference in a job.

vicar what about one of those gadgety e cigarette things (sorry don't know what they're actually called!) Before you get too hooked by the real thing?

Feeling rubbish again - bloody hell! My mother always seems to be able to press my buttons - after i visited her (at her request) last night, before i even came home she was on the phone to DP saying how i don't give a shit and am not interested about the doctors. Its not that im not interested; I can't do anything about it so calling me round to your house when im supposed to be cooking dinner because you have something to tell me, only to tell me the same thing that you have told me 50 times already and to tell me you are going to change doctors for the third time in a month because surprise surprise the new doctor you went to wont give you a years supply of tablets gets a little bit grating. DP told her i'm unwell, but she doesn't get it. I am >this< close to telling her just to leave me the fuck alone :( DP and I ended up bickering last night, because dinner was late and he ended up having to do it anyway as i was too flustered. basset what is a narcissist?

Grumpy and short with DD this morning :( Hate this

One very funny thing though - "Gary" my new spider friend, was in the middle of the bedroom ceiling last night. Dog was on the bed, he usually gets under the covers. He was shaking, then he started to growl - he was growling at the spider Would not get into bed, just little intermittent growls, probably all night, i fell asleep in the end. Maybe the dog knows something i don't! Gary has left the bedroom and is in the hall now

CiQ I hope you are feeling less treacly today.

Morning.

Vicar, I can understand that you don't want to start smoking again, but don't beat yourself up about it.

CIQ, I hope your appointments go well. I'm seeing my counsellor this afternoon.

Sorry about your trials with you mother, LEM.

Weather here this morning is dull, grey and blah. Pretty much how I feel.

The weather has a lot to answer for i think!

It certainly doesn't help matters, LEM. We've not had a decent summer in about 3 years and this past winter was dreadful. At least I hope winter is in the past. Hard to be sure when it snowed not far from my home last week!