that light at the end of the tunnel isnt a train....stay on track!

[ThatVikRinA22]

thought we had better have a new one - old one nearly full. Think this is our 4th thread now....

linky to old one here

so, here we go....title a little more optimistic than i feel but im sure i will get back on track soon.....not doing bad particularly, just feeling a bit consumed with things....work is so intense. id forgotten.

anyway....nuff of me. over to you guys....
hope everyone manages to find us to say "hi"....welcome old and new.

Sorry not much empathy from me as another crap day. My CPN came this afternoon but wasn't much help, she seemed tired and said maybe this was just a 2 day blip - oh god that word "blip" - I heard it so much when I was in hospital. She did say that everybody says they forget the bad days when they are ok and vice versa. She is coming to see me next Friday when I am back from Ireland, and is going to talk to the pysch about possibly increasing the mirtazapine.

I am mega anxious about going to Ireland. I feel so sick and can't eat and am so scared of crying in the airport but worse still, not being able to be "ok nanny" to my grandchildren, who are used to me playing silly games with them etc. I fear I will have to hide away in the bedroom. The house will be full of relatives and friends on Sat for my grandson's first communion, so no-one will miss me if I slip away. Scared I won't make the church as it is 10.00 am and that is my very worse time.
Oh sorry I am just going round and round in circles.

So sorry Lem about the financial problems - my worries about Ireland must seem nothing in comparison. I am fairly sure though that so long as you are paying off the arrears added to a monthly repayment you should be safe.

Hello to everyone.

Bassett I will PM you.

LEM and Silvery I knit too, although I am in the middle of a seed stitch kindle case that is taking forever with all the knits and purls and I am finding it hard to focus.

Today is a bit of a rubbish day, only made it downstairs at 3pm, then lasted until 5 before feeling exhausted and anxious and retreating back up to bed. But that meant I got some time playing with my daughter, sat in the garden for a bit and cooked lunch.

I am not managing to get anything done really, I find even when I do have motivation I lose concentration halfway through and forget what I was doing, or give up halfway, leaving the washing half unloaded or the fresh cup of tea to go cold in another room. Its frustrating.

Apologies to anyone affected by my misguided quote from my doctor re time for recovery being equal to time it took to get ill .
It was made to me as I was deluded to think one week sick would mend me. A wake up call I think in that I was barely functioning at that point.

But I do stand by his point in some ways . The reality [to me anyway] is that anxiety started say a year earlier and you just get on with life,cope and tell yourself off .......then it starts the insomnia ......the negative thoughts ....the crying ........the depression ..........meltdown .

I agree with him. It took me the same time to get back to the place I was before [with scars]. But there is progress in that year that gets you back to functioning 100% again.

So long before that time scale is up you will be getting motivated again and back at work / sleeping better etc . Like an upward graph line following the down one. So dont take the timescale from your crisis . This evil illness is sneaky and the start of it wont have crossed our radar as busy women . The timescale started long before we allowed ourselves to acknowledge something was very wrong .

Of course we can be back at work and sorting hearth and home sooner than that message seems to say . Just we will be a bit vulnerable for a while yet . And wiser and more caring for ourselves

Make changes and carry with us what we have learned xxx

Hope this makes sense and very sorry indeed for upset .

Glabella, plese don't worry about getting things done - you need to rest, then when you are all rested up, you can tell me about the seed stitch and kindle case - now theres an idea :-) I know exactly what you mean about half done jobs, i can start loading the dishwasher and even leave the thing half open, load the washing machine, half do it - go and sit down, wonder wtf i was doing in the kitchen, end up washing the rest of the stuff by hand

Nana - when i was well, i sobbed in the airport because i was scared of getting on the plane, the staff were wonderful and gave me the option to get on first or last, i wanted to get on with everyone else. At the time i used bach;'s rescue remedy, would that help? I know its not the plane and lets face it we are all pretty well drugged up, but i do find that soetimes works for incidental anxiety. Please try not to worry, it will be fine and you will have a lovely time - sending you a huge hug xxx With regards to our money worries, its anoher thing in a long line of money shite, im used to it, it will sort itself out, always does.

Love to everyone - leaning on this thread today

I feel a little better already- decided to stay upstairs with DP tonight and relax a little, and not feel guilty for hiding for a while. My dad brought me a glass of his extra special armagnac (older than me!) and a tray of nibbles instead of having to go down and pretend to be normal for dinner.

LEM the kindle case is just a sock thing to keep it from getting scratched in my bag, but its a lovely rich blue graduated wool and does look lovely even if I do say so myself. Just have to actually get the bloody thing finished, then I can start another of the many projects I keep browsing on ravelry.

I like knitting too - I made a cabled iPad sleeve for my iPad - perhaps I should sort something to do now.

I'm glad you're getting some time to yourself, Glabella

ooh, fancy sharing some of that armagnac glabella? So so pleased your parents are looking after you. They must be so proud of you, you know - I would certainly be happy for you to be my doctor one day!

basset - i think your doctor was probably right, although i can recognise that i have probably suffered from some form of anxiety since i was about 14 lol i don't fancy another 20 years to get well But yes, it takes time and we do expect to get better too quickly, but i find its worse from other people, both my DM and DP can't understand why i am not "over it" by now.

Hi everyone,
wow its been a busy day on here!
LEM so impressed about your hall!!! Seriously impressive. I had the radio on when I was doing jobs this morning and it def helped (even tho it was radio 2 - I am now officially middle-aged). Was going "aaaahh" when I read about the dogs though . Really hope you manage the train and it sounds like you'll have a lovely time with your dd.

Ed I know what you mean about not being motivated for certain things. On better days - like today - I manage to bribe myself to do a boring job for say 30 mins on mumsnet etc... Good to hear you had a good pm yesterday. That sounds tricky re: PGCE and mortgage. I do know that we can't predict the good days and I'm sure there will come a day in the not too distant future when you can make that decision.

Glabella so glad to hear you're getting lots of rest and tlc. Don't worry about only doing a v small amount. When I was bad I could only function in front of kids/dp for a couple of hours a day... now I can usually last out til 6 or sometimes longer

Nana bloody HM. Increase in mirt sounds like worth a thought. I really hope you manage on the plane and once you're there you don't have to be amazing nan all the time - just an hour here or there is all that's needed.

snowy seriously impressive knitting! Sounds like a good idea for an activity for now. LEM and SPC too! What a creative lot we are!

Basset don't worry about upsetting. Your explanation was helpful and as you say its and upward curve all the time.

I got a half an hour walk in with my dad, shared lunch out, did school run, took DD to physio who is really pleased with her progress, home, cooked dinner and am now back on the sofa. Phew busy day. But bizarre how much better than yesterday!

Nina my pc or my idiot self is playing silly buggers . My replies are going into the ether before I have finished re pm.
will try again later and hope you got at least one reply cut off mid sentence re other stuff.

You will be cope lovely . You will . And if it gets too much then retire to your room and tell folk you are unwell . Feverish ,tummy trouble ,arthritis playing up ........anything you want to say . The grandchildren will have lots of company so dont feel bad about not being fun nanny this visit .
lots of cold water and deep breathing slowly .....something to fiddle with in your pocket [I use my keys]. If panicky in the church find something like one of the windows or architecture to examine minutely

And one good tip if going to cry is to press your tongue to the roof of your mouth. Give enough time to escape to loo or outside XX

We are all with you lovely Nina on your shoulder .

will answer your pm later and try again !!

Hi everyone, just dropping in to say hi really.

I have noticed that normal anxiety level ratchets up to full blown dread just before a period. Never realised that before....now I don't know what to do about it.

Anyway, back on a more even keel again, now and thinking of you all. Xxx

I forgot to say, I wrote a really long post in response to someone asking me my back story a couple of weeks ago I think it was. And then I lost the post and just gave up as I had no energy to go through it all again, and for some reason I was really embarrassed even though no one would even have known, of course. So I kinda abandoned this thread for a bit, but I have missed you all and felt really guilty.

I hope you are all doing well. I am off to bed but I will update myself soon xx

Vicar, this is for you really, I had 6 months off work with depression about 8 years ago

We were all re graded for our jobs at a boot camp, literally the week of my return. I was told that adjustment would be made but it wasn't and I was assessed as being not good enough for the role.

. I came back from it, by spending a year producing evidence of my work and skills, including being observed and having my work assessed. Luckily a few key people believed in me when I did not believe in myself.

I have since taken on other roles in my organisation. I have been promoted. I am respected. But there are still some horrible people there who remember, and I know they remember because they let me know it. And they judge me.

Other people at work supported me and saw that mental illness was the problem not my skill and talent. Those people have my loyalty forever. I work in a large value-led organisation which got things very wrong back then, but I think they are a bit better now.

Anyway, after that rant, I think my point is that even if people know why you were off, remember that you were ill, not weak. You are strong to go back. Do not let others stigmatise you, all of us who have had MH problems have had insights into ourselves that some people are too shallow to ever have and in some ways they are the poorer for it. It is their problem, not yours. Xx

Promise I am to bed now.

Hi catmint nice to hear from you. Dont worry about not being here for a bit. It would be good to hear yr story when u have a mo. Pmt can be really bad for mh, but now at least you know those spells are temporary. There are some vitamin and herbal supplements that can help. Worth searching on here I should think!

X posts

evening everyone. so glad to see some old faces popping back along with the regulars and the newbies!

ed - sometimes i do feel like im weakening but on the whole at the moment i think im ok - ive just got a lot on i guess - with DS, the assault, his deadlines, my stuff at work, the complaint etc....but im coping and thats the main thing. i think i will have off days. i have times when i need to check myself....and clearly other people know i witter....but im trying so hard not to take things to heart. With DS its hard....its relentless....he has a dealine for tomorrow that he thinks he cant make and thats it - if he doesnt he fails his degree. i could despair. im trying not to. at some point he has to take responsibility - i cant do the work for him.

basset - i need to say this to you becuase i totally get where you were coming from with that quote and for some of us its true - but i guess depressive illness is as individual as any other and for some it holds true where for some it doesnt.
for me i think it holds true. i had 5 months off. i know the first time i saw my GP feeling tearful and overwhelmed was around 6 months prior to that.....
your words are always kind and well intentioned and i dont think anyone would ever take what you say the wrong way or get upset....you are a very empathetic and compassionate person and that shows in your posts.....i always take huge comfort in your words. x

nana - i am so sorry your are having a head monster moment.....i really hope you are ok for ireland and im sure if you are feeling HM stirring for more than a few days they will look at increasing your dose....it must feel scary after a period of respite to get that old familiar feeling.....hang on in there. x

catmint so glad to see you back. and thank you for your story re work....im trying not to think to hard about it and just go in each day and do my best....it will have to be enough for now.

snowy - glad you are still popping in to post....

lem - you sound like i did a few weeks ago - hang on to the fact you are managing to climb back up even when anxiety takes hold....its not constant.

and to everyone else, old, new, or anything in between - just know you are far from alone. We will be around to share, comfort and hand hold when needed
i will need hand holding tomorrow if DS doesnt get this sodding work in on time....

I was missing you all!

UA I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you are able to give yourself time to mentally and physically rest.

nina that head monster of yours needs a slap for trying to muscle in on your trip to ireland. Doesn't he realise you deliberately tried not to pack him.

vicar you sound so much more relaxed and as though you are starting to see yiurself as a police officer again. Really pleased for you.

So much cleaning going on - I wish I could say the same. though I am keeping on top of housework, the lawn is at knee-height!

That quote that motivation starts only after the task is begun really holds true for me.

I wish I could knit well - particularly a phone cover. I am doing a blanjet at the moment. Well i was , I haven't done much of anything since I restarted counselling. I am fully in my cave.

bassett maybe I haven't read the thread properly but it didn't look like anyone was upset about what your doctor said. It sounds likely to me. Scary as I had a long slow descent but at least I can look forward to being a real human again one day. I had started thinking of myself as a lifer

Got to go get ready for work.

Ughhh

I'm in bed ill today. Throat feels like swallowing razor blades.
Head feels swollen inside.
Hands and feet are freezing. Core feels hot (but thermometer says 36.1 (normal for me to go down before up).
The bones in my lower arms have shooting pains going towards the elbow.

Ive put dw on and wm. I am now in bed. I officially have the lurgy.

But that doesn't stop me charging full pelt at helles and trying to handcuff her to the bed to stop her leaving again.... (and no not in a kinky way...)

Oh and bassett...didn't upset me. It does put recovery into perspective. Makes you look at recovery in a more realistic view I guess.

I'm thinking of it as a normal distribution curve (sorry gets technical and sciency).

Yes it is going to take a long time to get all the way back to the bottom...but hopefully not as long to reach that critical point of functionality.

Actually I like the normal distribution analogy...the fact that it is asymptotic works well with the fact that we will never find eutopia...but that we don't need eutopia to function healthily....ive just never known a normal distruibution with so many kinks in it....

Takes geek hat off....and drifts off into a poorly sleep.

Ugghh, Ed you have grollies :( Stay under the duvet, lots of fluids and paracetemol - vit c if you have any - get well soon xxx

I'm off to see my DD1 today, she is going to do my nails im the least girly person i know - but its time with her so i'll suffer it I don't see her enough, she doesn't come over (because she is 22 and has her own life) so im making an effort.

Enjoy the nails.

I bite mine.

But I love doing dtds.

I now have earache and more painful bones to add to the silmenrs :(

I like the idea of a normal curve. I hope you feel better soon, sounds horrible.

Its been a good (ish) day today. Went to the doctors, I told her i had been doing rubbish and was finding things difficult to do etc, she was very good and is going to refer me for excercise! I think that might mean free gym!! Not sure though - I told her I do exercise, i walk a lot and i cycle but with the cycling i have to have somewhere to go or else i will panic So she said possibly having some sort of regeime to work to with the exercise i will be able to work to that. She was about me getting a job but understand that our finances dictate that i will need to do that soon. Im excited about the exercise thing though.

Went to see my DD, she was tired and a bit grumpy - so, a good day then :) It was a bit awkward at first but we watched a film "ted" definately NOT for children!! and she did my nails, they look brilliant! I never have my nails done so it feels a bit weird.

Only bloody downer on the day is my bloody mother kicking off, she called me and i made the mistake of telling her i was with DD, She went mental at me down the phone, how i dont care about her, how the doctor has "fucked her up" and she is going to punch her in the face - i wish i was joking! Oh and i think more of my doctor than i do of her - this she said to my DD after she put the phone down on me and rang DD. DD is very patient and just said yes and no in the right places and raising her eyebrows at me! So, i don't have the energy for it im afraid, i cannot let it get to me - im just going to let her stew - i feel guilty, i do, for not telling her i was going to DD, but if i told her she would have wanted to come and instead of it being a quick visit where i saw DD on my own (never happens!) It would have turned into us being dragged round shops and DD was tired and grumpy!

Rant over!!

I'm doing it again aren't i........me me me me!!!!

Ed and Snowy! are you talking statistics - wash your mouths out!!! But yeah, ok, normal distribution sounds about right - i think, i try to blot out my days of having to do stats!

Free gym sounds good

Level 2 here, how is everyone?

Hi all,

Just checking in and blowing you kisses!

Your daughter sounds really nice LEM, my DD is 20 and we have a love/hate thing going. Gosh, your mum..

You can choose your friends but not your family.

Ed could you do part time placement? Like just teaching in the afternoons? Or a couple of days a week?

snowy I'm dressed with lippie on, get me! But have to go out for food tonight with people that I don't know very well, and all I want to do is clutch my hot water bottle and read my trashy novel. But I have a day doing nothing study day tomorrow, so if I can get through this evening I'll be ok.

Glabella tiny wee baby steps, don't feel guilty.

Oh, shock horror, I went for a swim at lunchtime, but free gym sounds great.

Go you! I hope the evening goes well.