that light at the end of the tunnel isnt a train....stay on track!

[ThatVikRinA22]

thought we had better have a new one - old one nearly full. Think this is our 4th thread now....

linky to old one here

so, here we go....title a little more optimistic than i feel but im sure i will get back on track soon.....not doing bad particularly, just feeling a bit consumed with things....work is so intense. id forgotten.

anyway....nuff of me. over to you guys....
hope everyone manages to find us to say "hi"....welcome old and new.

Well

I made a resolution that I would respond personally today.

After 4 hours sleep I feel functional.

I have done loads:

3 loads of washong
Unloaded and reloaded dw
Spellings with dd
Reading with dd
Crochet
Wii
Tidied away straight after tea
Put rubbush oht (bin day tomorrow)

But I have had over a bottle of qine. I have mega hiccups and I can't resists.

DEAR VICAR,

SHOUKD I QUIT OGCE OR NOT???

(I shall read reat of thread tomorroq when I can rwad....)

ed

DO NOT MAKE A DECISION WHILE DEPRESSED.....

do you have to make the decision now? can it just go on hold for a bit longer?

really - people counselled me against making decisions while depressed - and only now can i see why.

depression colours everything - it paints things in a very different light.
going back too early can be very bad. not going back at all can be very bad.
get better. get to a place where you feel you can test the water. then do it. test it out.
at the moment, my work load is light and im being well looked after, but things just feel different now im back. There are times i still want to panic....but i swallowing the panic and having a go and finding i am able enough to deal with most things this job throws at me....so far anway.

you know how when you look back at things it can be trhough rose tinted specs?
well depression is similar - but you remember things through very dingy tinted specs.....it all felt much worse than the reality of going back. i was so scared to go back, but i really felt i owed to myself to see - and the reality, as in lots of things, is much less frightening than what was in my own head.

I felt so alone before - but now, whether their heart is in it or not - there are so many people with a vested interest in getting me to a point im comfortable in my job. Yes ive been action planned - but its for my own benefit.
Im dropping a shift - all fine and dandy.
the job, the people, (well - ok - most of them) are bending over backwards to make this work for me. So i owe it to myself and to them to give it another whirl. You know me - i mnothing if not honest - and ive been very honest with my supervisors in how i feel and how i felt....they know if i feel that the job is making me ill then i will leave - but it seems for what ever reason they want to hang on to me for a bit (self preservation im pretty sure but im not reading so much into it anymore - the result is the same no matter what their motive!)

so.

no. do not give it up yet. Trial meds. Rest. do what ever you need to do for now without making a commitment either way - when you feel able (and i know how hard that is - really given a choice i dont think id have gone back - but i just waited until i had my head around it, yes it was so scary, but again, the thought of going back was worse than the reality of going back....) i picked a date - i didnt think beyond that, i didnt even prep for going back - counsellor said thats a coping mechanism and it served me rather well i have to say....

so. do not do anything while you are depressed. it will lead to what ifs and but if onlys.....

when you are sure, when you are thinking straight, then make the decsiion having tested it out first. That way - no regrets.

Oh and I should really be in bed now. - on earlies! Will be back tomorrow evening....gnite all - hope that helped ed ....waves/hugs and squishes ro anyone and everyone else here who needs em....x

Ed i echo vicar, no decisions yet xx

Im feeling awful phone call from mortgage comp thrown me feel like ive took ten steps back drs today but if feel that because im not am suicide risk im being fobbed off. Feel sick with fear

lem hugs. Do you want to talk about the call? I know what u mean about not being a suicide risk, but be honest about how you've been the last couple of weeks - you can refer back up thread if you need to clarify. And of course talk about financial pressures... Really hope you have a helpful appointment.

vicar I've been reflecting on what you wrote yest and had the opposite of Rose tinted specs on my mind too.

ed no decisions yet please.
Hi to spc and everyone else x

CiQ - thanks, its just that we are behind with the mortgage (we have two on the same property) we are just over two months in arrears on one and none on the other (because DP made the wrong decision the other day when he paid one up to date it left the other two months over) it is about £800. DP called on friday to pay some of it off and spoke to an advisor who said it would be ok, also would be ok not to pay anymore until the 10th June because we were expecting DP to have to go over to monthly payments so wasn't expecting to be paid before that time. The guy on the phone told DP that once we made the june payment and things had got straightened out with DPs pay then we could make an arrangement to pay off the arrears. So yesterday got a call from the bank, they wouldn't talk to me - so i called DP at work and got him to ring them, but wouldnt have got through to the person that called. Its so annoying because one says one thing, the other says another. They told DP that until an arrangement was set up that they would continue to call and harrass but i don't understand this because DP offered the guy to pay £50 a month extra (making our total mortgage outgoings £650 a month - re mortgaged when we got into debt the last time i had a breakdown!). The reason i feel so bad is that nothing definate has been said.

My worst fear is losing the house, it is one of the reasons i don't do much housework, whats the point, its not mine

Alot of this is my anxiety - DP has said that when he spoke to the guy on friday that we would be no where near any repossession proceedings with the amount we owe (is that true?) and when he phoned them yesterday they said similar and that they would most likely accept £50 a month so long as we can stick to it. But of course my anxiety goes from "ok, minor blip, get a grip" to full scale catastrophe "losing the house, DD taken into care because we will be homeless" scenario in 60 seconds.

This is why i feel the pressure to get a job, i don't think DPs wages are enough, they are on paper but they don't cover any emergencies and extras such as taxing the car, the crash, mot etc - had to pay out £150 on the weekend for that - ok, DP saved us a futher £100 by doing the work himself but still had to pay for tyre, replacement headlight unit, and the MOT itself - the headlight unit was on top of the £150. I don't have the luxury of recovering - everyone says im too ill to work, i can't even do the housework ffs, i can't bring myself to look for a job but i know that if i don't we are going to go under, and that is for the simple reason of me not working.

Couldn't get a drs appointment, my doctor isn't there and they are closed for training this afternoon So will have to play the appointment lottery again tomorrow. I'm supposed to call the counselling people today but i just feel i am being pushy and that there are other people who are more urgent than me i don't want to push somone else back, not that they will. I very much got the impression i was at the bottom of the list.

Why do i do this? I was doing ok this weekend, mortgage and car sorted (or so i thought) i had relaxed, now this :( Back to square one.

I can't even think about getting my spider as my anxiety is pushing things in the way (what if it bites me, what if i can't feed it properly, what if it dies and its my fault) :(

Sorry to waffle on. I get so me me me when im like this. Other people have more serious problems than me, their illness is worse - i really just need to get a grip don't i?

Oh lem I so get what you mean when you say me me me thats just how I felt yest (bit better today) and self loathing that I cant just get my arse off the sofa and do something! Hate the messy house but am too "lazy" to do anything about it... I think it is the nature of this awful beast. Another thing I read said action before motivation.

In my limited experience you're nowhere near re possession land and your proactive approach will go in your favour. I bet it is stressful not having any money for contingency tho. Is there anyway when you or dp speaks to someone at mortgage co that he can put whats been agreed in writing? Would that help you feel any more secure?

Lastly ring the counselling. YOU are important and its worth making sure your name is on their radar... take care. Am going to prise myself out of bed to sort out washing mountain and hoover downstairs! Wish me luck!

Love to all

CiQ, i assume they will call DP again - he has told them they are not to ring home anymore and only contact him on his mobile. That was an own goal though as now i will worry he is keeping things from me. Rationally i know it will be ok. His employers are frigging around which means he is still being paid weekly, so it means what we told them last week isn't necessarily going to be the case although the months wait is looming. It does mean however that we will be able to scrape together this moths mortgage and pay so will be in a better position when the next months is due. My problem is i need constant reassurance, DP got cross wth me last night for going on about it :(

I too need to get off my arse - the hallway is a disgrace, i am going to go and do it - I AM!!! So good luck with your hoovering, wish me luck with whatever it is thats out there!! WAshing to be sorted here too! At some point, i need to start looking for a job!

ED i hope you are ok and please don't make any rash decisions, can you tell us more about where you are at with the PGCE? Don't give up - even if you think you might not want to go into teaching after all (i think you should btw, you'll be a great teacher) if you can finish the PGCE then you will have the choice, if you don't you wont - of course, if you can't then thats different but whilst you still have options, do keep them open.

Go for it lem. I have hoovered downstairs, put load of washing in AND sorted out my ds summer clothes (just in case). Once I got going it wasnt too bad... time for a shower in a mo and hour of downtime and then a walk with my lovely dad, then its the after school fun and games...

ed I echo lem - if theres any way you can finish/negotiate a delay or something then that still leaves the door open. However of you really dont think teaching is for you thats ok too. A good friend of mine whos very healthy and ambitious didnt finish hers as it was just too much with a family too. Take care x

Im reading a book called understanding and overcoming depression (rec by a friend) and this week's chapter says:

"In a low mood the motivation to do anything comes only after you've started the task"

"Aim for two hourly tasks a day to start with"

"Plan a pleasurable/novel thing for once a week"

"Include some positive contact with another person every day - draw on the warmth of friends"

"Every day record any experiences that helped lift you mood or give you satisfaction" this is supposed to help made headway against the negative filters.

"Remember its hard to get started with something when you're depressed, be gentlw with yourself and congratulate small steps".

I realise this is probably like teaching you lovely people to suck eggs but the motivation thing really struck a chord with me today and I want to try and remember that the motivation did come when I got started, and I do feel a sense of satisfaction now.

I'm sure theres a film or something that has a line in "xxxxx xxxx xxx they will come" am tempted to put up a post it somewhere saying get started - the motivation will come!"

Anyhow battery dying. Take care all and thanks for bearing with my rambles

CIQ it's good to be reminded of these things :) I find I can often get started by cleaning something v dirty (and I'm sploit for choice ) - atm I am cleaning off the egg someone threw at the window last January - I just do a bit at a time till I am fed up, but then am likely to turn to something else, so it has got me going and there is tangible progress.

I did the hall!! Ended up washing down the paintwork and the stairs too It really was awful out there - managed to tidy and hoover the living room too, its not perfect but have managed to declutter one of the sides. I put green day on the cd player as loud as it could go my poor neighbours, i hardly ever do that though. Then i put some C&W on and ended up sobbing because one of the songs reminded me of my dog that died before i had DD. I was good to do that though, i think i needed a cry, i don't actually cry very much. I miss my dog - we got him when we first got together and DP wasn't living locally, he was the gel that brought us closer together, we had no money (but equally no debt!) and we would walk him on the beach on days that were so cold our faces would hurt. Its daft but i feel as if everything went wrong when i lost Tiny (my 60kg rotweiller!) and its never really been the same without him. I do have two lovely JRTS now, sat on my lap most of the time - i then sobbed because i couldn't bear the thought of being without them!! Im such a twat sometimes!!

Love to all - Snowy, i hope you are OK, and you Ed. Everyone xx

Oh and CIQ yes, the motivation does come once you have started things sometimes, i really didn't want to do the hall but it was so bad, the thought of anyone knocking on the door made me feel sick.

Wow LEM well done! You awesome woman. I just can't be bothered to do anything other than this damn placement. DH seems to be doing everything around the house.
My thoughts are with you about the house, we don't own ours, it comes with DH's job therefore it has never felt like mine and I cannot be bothered. I think the main thing that you and DP are doing are keeping on engaging with the mortgage company and sorting it out.It's going to the wire, but you are sorting it. Don't feel guilty, you are ill atm and need time to get better, have you found out about maximising benefits? Is CAB any good for you? Like CiQ said go for the counselling, it is your health, you are worth it.Thinking that you are not is another symptom of the illness.I think it's so lovely that you have good memories of the dog, I envy you that you can cry, I feel too numb to do that.

Ed vicar is right, take the time to decide about the PGCE. Delay if in doubt. I love the bit about the glasses, Nana said about when she's ill she can't believe that she went shopping and bought stuff. Thats so true, the well hoochy feels like another person.

The last time I was ill, 3 years ago, I was off work for 8 months, and only started doing my course 4 months after that. Give time time. Don't go back before you are ready.

Reading this I wonder if I am piling up trouble for myself by desperately hanging in with this placement. I'm shoving my depression to the back of my brain during the day, then closing down in the evening, and retreating to bed as soon as I can.

I love this thread so much, loads of love to snowy bassett and anyone I've missed.

hoochy you are focussing on your placement, and letting everything else go hang. That's the way to do it :) for the time being, anyway.

LEM, for you it's the other way round. You need to focus on keeping-life-on-an-even-keel things. How about this? You decide how much time having a job would take, and what hours. During those hours your job for the time being is to convalesce (sp?) by doing convalescently things - be it napping, walking, reading, chilling etc. Housework, cooking, laundry and the general stuff of life Must be done outside those hours. When you've got most of your plates spinning reliably and consistently, then is the time to start searching for paid work.

TSP - i don't know, even seein that written down makes me feel panicky, i am maybe going to do some knitting tomorrow so that counts doesn't it?

It certainly does :) - it counts as Convalescence. What are you knitting, and what wool?

its a jumper/dress for DD, its different coloured wool - was half price in wool shop, its nice. There is some simple block colour things in it, i want to be able to knit her a jumper with a horse on but i can't figure out how to do the colour change without it all falling to bits!

I did say i might go and see DD1 tomorrow though, i sort of wish i didn't as i dont really have the money for the train.

I could cycle, but its 20 miles That would be good exercise though!

I once knitted a jumper with a poppy field on it - am amazed I even finished it - then I thought never again! now I stick to interesting textures, stich patterns, and shapes. Some people are brilliant at that sort of knitting - intarsia is it called? - maybe you could find a vid on-line or ask on Crafts board.

PS How long would it take you to cycle? (answer for me - too scared to cycle really - am physical coward) and what's the route like? - round here we have lots of cycle paths because we used to have lots of branch line railways, but we also have lots of hilly roads.

Thanks for the hugs and good wishes, I can't keep up with the thread.
I'm going to go and look at the local wellbeing service, maybe tomorrow or Friday. Struggling a bit, but head above water.

Thinking of everyone.

We are discussing how to manage to get things done, snowy, and how to juggle and prioritse things while still looking after ourselves.

I'll be interested to hear about the wellbeing service, if you feel up to telling it when you've had a look.

Evening all.

So much to catch up on I'm not sure where to start.

Vicar You are sounding so strong but I am also sensing that you are beginning to weaken again...sending you huge hugs to try and keep you on an even keel rather than a downward spiral. How is DS? Are you happy with the way that the formalities are progressing?

LEM Way to go with the hall! As others have said I think that a couple of months arrears with an open discussion about repayment will work in your favour. Banks loose out so much on repossession in fees, and low sale value that you really have to owe them more than a few hundred quid to make it worth them starting repossession proceedings.

Nana Wishing that the HM forgets his passport once again.

Bassett You've scared me with the equal time to get better thing....My meltdown followed 18m+ of major stressors....I can't take that long to get better....its a bit scary to see that it has already been 7months actually...

CiQ Love those quotes. I definitely find that starting a job....kick starts the motivation. The problem I have at the mo is that I can only get started with the tasks I want to do, rather than the ones that need to be done IYSWIM. The tasks I want to do are often heavy duty tasks so by the time I have done them I have exhausted myself...catch 22....

Waves to everyone else.

so....me.

I actually had a fab day yesterday. I really struggled in the morning. REALLY struggled. I slept for 4hrssolid. Got myself out of bed before DTDs came home and then turned my day around. I did 3 loads of washing. A DW load. Put the rubbish out. Had some chilling time.

I felt "functional". I felt able to motivate myself to do stuff.

Then I had a lot of wine.

Today I still couldn't walk in a straight line when I got up so I slept the morning away. I have been out of bed and on the wii since though. Done a DW load.

As for my PGCE. I have been on leave for a year now. Initially I was off due to a bereavement. I did go back in Oct but managed 10 days before having a complete meltdown and being signed off with stress.

In theory I have 6 weeks of a placement to do and an essay. That is all. But it is sooooo demanding. It is 6 weeks of 18hr days.

I think I am getting there. I take on more at Brownies to try and prove to myself that I can do it and then I have another collapse. I just don't know how I can do it. I just don't know how I will know when I am ready to make a decision. I can't do this indefinitely. I have no income. XP wants me to finish buying him out of the house but I can't take the mortgage on in my own name because of student status. Everything is just one big mess which isn't being resolved whilst I sit around doing nothing....

Lots of xposts.....go for the knitting. I find crochet very therapeutic...

TSP - its a lovely cycle, along the beach!! pretty flat on the way there - ive checked though and its actually 28 miles along that path I've done it a few times, one way! I am not going to cycle tomorrow though because DD says there wont really be anywhere safe for me to put the bike - its likely to be stolen. It usually takes me about 2.5 hours at a steady pace - i don't do full pelt! It depends if the wind is behind me, its funny, its very "in and out" in terms of bays etc so can see the destination and you end up going into yet another bay - its hard work. I usually cycle and get train back.

DD said we can watch some films and she will do my nails as we are both broke - it should be a nice day, im stressed about getting there, i have to go by train and of course, trains are my "thing" now. I will be ok once im on it, its just when it is coming into the station that freaks me out - even when im well I haven't seen my DD for ages though, especially on my own so it might be nice to spend some time together.

Snowy i hope you find you need at teh wellbeing centre.

Ed - could you maybe put brownies on hold when you do your placement? That way you will have more time? It does sound an awful lot though - 18 hours day would KILL me!