that light at the end of the tunnel isnt a train....stay on track!

[ThatVikRinA22]

thought we had better have a new one - old one nearly full. Think this is our 4th thread now....

linky to old one here

so, here we go....title a little more optimistic than i feel but im sure i will get back on track soon.....not doing bad particularly, just feeling a bit consumed with things....work is so intense. id forgotten.

anyway....nuff of me. over to you guys....
hope everyone manages to find us to say "hi"....welcome old and new.

Oh CinQ Oh you are sweet, feeling "gutted" for me when you are suffering yourself. I really feel for you young mums who have kids to care for, cus no matter how much you love them, it's a tough call to "act" the ok mum when you are feeling so crap. I'm worrying about whether I will be an "ok nanny" for my lovely grandchildren, and it's really important to me that I am, as I only see them for 4 or 5 days once every 6 weeks.

The fluctuations are so bloody wierd aren't they. I look at things I've bought when I've been feeling like "me" and stare at whatever it is, wondering how on earth I managed to go to a big shopping centre near here and buy something! I've picked up a bit but still feel shite, and mainly worrying about our Ireland trip on Thursday. I've been up and down for 3 years (as you probably know) but since the mirtazapine I've been mostly fine, so was really looking forward to this trip to Ireland, as I was feeling confident that the bad days had gone. Ah well, my CPN is coming tomorrow but the medics don't know any more than we do the reason for the fluctuations, unless of course there is a definite trigger.

Really hope this is a short "blip" (as the medics like to call these crap days) for you. How old is your little boy? Speak again tomorrow? Oh this thread is so good, as only those of us with this illness can understand. Sending you warm wishes......NNx

Thanks nana Yes this thread is a lifeline isn't it I know exactly what you mean. My lovely ds is 5 in a fortnight, I also have a dd8. Lego wasnt too bad. Am now cooking dinner and have cracked open the gin. I know its a stupid idea but I just dont care. Sorry to hear about feeling apprehensive about ireland - i can totally understand. Maybe when you get off the plane/ferry the change of scene will help pick you up. I think on sat the drive thru lovely sussex countryside helped a bit.

glabella really pleased to hear how yr doing. Sounds an ideal setup at yr mums and glad to hear you will only have a placement to repeat. Really hope the time off is helpful.

Crap days set us back so much and it is bloody awful . Like going back to day one and crawling up the slope again and again . Your words re wondering how we coped so well in days previous rang a bell with me
I cant understand either CIQ and Nina. A pendulum swinging and I forget who the hell the real me is . So hope tomorrow is better . We never know do we ? It makes you weary .

notso stick with your med if you can and let two weeks go by while it settles . I do think that you should have sick leave while adjusting to them ? I am ex nurse and so get the stress you are under . You sound to me as though you need some rest also. xx

Achh Nina damn that head monster . I hate to think of you weeping . But agree that crying at least gets rid of the tension and exhausts. So sorry to read this . You write so well and explain the stuff I cant articulate how this evil illness is .
But you pick yourself up and dust yourself down and move on .
Hope the bonny isle is dry and sunny for your grandsons communion
As we have discussed before a church can be very soothing in its walls and history. Your family are lucky to have you so interested and involved . Take care Nina and a bosomy hug from me .x

Hi snowy you ok ?

UA guess life must be very hard and lots to do at the moment .
Hope you are getting support . Hold on lass x

cross posted with you Glabella

so pleased you are feeling a little better and that only your placement needs redoing

I remember my doctor telling me when I whimpered I cant take time off ...only a week then blah ......his words :

" it has taken a long time for you to get to this state and will take equal time to recover "

Be gentle with yourself x

Yes, I remember reluctantly going to GP to get signed off for a week. He wouldn't hear of it, and gave me a fortnight. And I so needed it.

(Unfortunately work situation and marriage didn't improve, so relapsed eventually. Gave up work in 2009, got divorced in Feb 2012, Ex finally went Aug 2012, mh improved amazingly, just me and DCat now, thought I. Then early this year a v long term friendship took an unexpected turn (he is London-Irish) esp as I had thought all that was over with now. ^^ to explain previous posts )

Kerry suffers from a similar phenomenon, NN, except there it is half-finished mansions, apparently.

Thanks Basset bit daunted by what your Doc said - my DH thinks I've been (mildly) depressed for years..
Anyhow one G&T and beer later and am feeling more chilled. I know its not a good idea but I feel relaxed and able to have a joke with the kids at dinner. I have to try and not think beyond that. I do fear when I'm like this that if I told dh what I was actually thinking he would leave - as would I if I were him. Anyway in danger of slight alcohol induced rant and want to spare you lovely people that at least. Off to try and book remainder of summer holiday - need a nice B&B/cheap hotel an hour outside of Paris in a reasonable area. All the recommendations on mumsnet are booked cos I've left it late so will have to do some trawling. Am at least looking forward to going back to France - have good memories of last year's sunny holiday. Take care all, and esp hugs to UA.

Well, CIQ there is recovery and recovery. It's a constant process without an end point. However, you can be happy again at any point in the journey :)

Ah CIQ sorry for that . I thought a week off work was all it needed to get balanced again . My main thoughts were of being ashamed of not sorting it all myself. A weakness in my make up somehow. I was at a very bad place before emergency appt with doctor... so think he was being kind and telling me not to worry anymore about sick notes and work . Not to feel I had let myself down . I had tried so hard to help myself as we all do and failed .

SPC says it so concisely .

We dont cave at the first signs something is wrong and plough on ..and on and on and on ........so yes it takes time to build up and time to recover .
But we will.

Hello, I have felt so crappy over the last few days. I had a busy weekend and on monday felt tearful and panicky and afraid. I am just hanging on by the skin of my teeth atm. I know the sertraline is making a difference to me but I just want to stop the world and get off. Bleurgh.

I am grimly hanging on.

So good to hear about everyone. Lots of love to UA, have a good time in Ireland Nana. I'm welsh so I know about rain. so glad things are going better for you Glabella. It just takes time.
Waves to CIQ, Basset Vicar and TSP, love and hugs to Snowy.

Oo one good thing about the sert is that I have lost weight. But I feel SO sick a lot of the time. Is it the meds or the MH, or both?

Oh, so sorry to hear that so many of you are having shite days today :( and yesterday. Ed you had what sounded like a really demanding weekend, you are bound to be exhausted, yet you still manage to do so much - You have inspired me and today I went and bought a pattern and some knitting wool. Am just casting on now!! DD made a face at me knitting her another jumper! Am hoping its therapeutic.

Nana :( to think of you crying - I do hope your visit to ireland to see the family perks you up some. I so get it with the fluctuations, that is the most frustrating thing for me, i have OK days, like yesterday - so nice, me and DP together, like old times - today, wired, agitated and nervous. At least my toothache has abated for a bit - im stubborn when it comes to the dentist - i had an abscess just before xmas and just sat it out I have a high pain threshold but last night was pushing it.

CiQ i am quite about the lego - my DD(7) is into role play and board games in which she wants to cheat - i swear it makes me climb the walls, to the point i just refuse to play, i would quite happily sit and make lego stuff with her, but she has made some sort of house contraption and in DD stylee it cannot be touched! I have to admit that i have very limited patience for "play" and this makes me sad. DP does so well but he finds it so demanding as she never gives him any respite. I have bought wine tonight, felt i neded it, not sure i will have any though.

Silvery - I am glad that your friendship took a twist, at least if it is the sort of twist i am hoping for, I love to hear about people finding someone.

Weird day for me today - didn't want to be at home so i took my kindle with me to the town, bought some bits in iceland and then went and sat in costa packet coffee and sat and finished my book. I was in there for hours long enough to hear one woman giving a pep talk to two teenagers - i dont think she was their mother, a youth worker maybe? Another couple of women slagging their DH's off, was tempted to tell them to leave the bastards! Another woman and her daughter having an argument, ended with daughter storming off, woman on mobile to someone about how vile she was leaving her in this town with no way to get back, the daughter then pulled up outside and was sounding the horn on her car until the mother went - was amusing. Read my book, turned out to be shite, then some women gabbling on about their holidays made me feel stressed. Coffee kicked in and i ended up buying a knitting pattern, looking in charity shops, came home, felt crap, my mum wanted me to go to town with her so i jumped at opportunity not to be home. Shit call from mortgage company i feel shite again, its not a major set back but of course its all that adrenalin feeling of sickness that im sure we all recognise. I know that you AND my MH person, my Dr, AND my DP don't think im ready to get a job yet but i feel that is the only thing that will help tbh, i cant stand being at home as that is when the anxiety kicks in and we need the money. Drs tomorrow, out of meds will see what she has to say.

Vicar - keep positive, you are awe inspiring - hoping you continue to feel better.

Glabella - glad your uni stuff is sorted, get as much rest as you can, glad you are being taken care of.

oh and cross posts with hoochy - i should like to loose weight - my bloody meds are making me eat like ive never eaten before :( Sorry you are feeling crap too.

This illness is so bloody frustrating, its just so vague - if we had a liver complaint the doctor would take bloods and based on those results suggest a treatment, MH seems to be such a vague science, a sort of suck it and see treatment regime

evening all.

CIQ - just need to answer something you said in a previous post which stuck with me.....you said about your friend not saying "meet up again soon" and so you have read into that another meaning....

when i first went to occupational health, the advisor (not my counsellor) told me that when we are depressed we have a 'negative filter' - so we filter out all those things in a conversation, or all those things that we think were not in a conversation, that confirm our negative thoughts about ourself, because we are depressed. Its all smoke and mirrors. Its not what people are thinking, but it what we tell ourselves, because we look for reasons, and when down, surely that reason must be us?? no? she gave me an example:

she said, one morning, while depressed, we get up, and we leave the house to go on an errand, and we see our friend over the road.
Friend normally would stop for small talk, but this morning she doesnt.
so we wonder why. and we wonder what we have done, have i done something wrong or offended her? it must be something ive done, because normally, she would stop and talk, it must be me. i wonder what ive done.

when in reality, she could be rushing for any number of reasons, she is busy, she just didnt have time to stop for a chat this morning - because her kids are poorly and she is rushing to the shop before her DH leaves for work, or there is no one for the kids. So she is rushing. Doesnt have time to stop, or explain...

but its very unlikely to be you - its your negative filter kicking in....

Same with your friend ciq - you are reading into the fact she didnt say meet up again soon....she maybe just forgot. she maybe had something on her mind. she maybe lost track of time and was thinking about getting to the shops for tea before picking the kids up....
see??
If she didnt like seeing you, she wouldnt have met you for lunch. She likes you, she likes your company. She just forgot to say meet again soon - or maybe - she just thought it was a given, and she didnt have to say it.....

its definitely true this negative filter thingy....

nana im so sorry HM is awake again - i do hope its just a stirring from a long long coma....i was thinking how much better you seemed on the mirt.....might just be your body adjusting.

im tired today. i started to do my application for part time working today. I think i will feel better when thats done. I looked at my colleagues today, and most of them, are lovely. funny. nice people. I think ive probably been a bit unfair - two are giving me a wide berth but thats ok - its people i can take or leave. (and leaving is easier)

most are not being nosey. one (lovely person) actively asks me if im ok, how i am, how DS is doing, etc etc....they are actually a nice group of people. I just couldnt cope before, and like you ciq i was reading into everything. Things that just werent there i think in some cases.
not all.
i miss nothing. nothing ever goes over my head - but....im trying not to catch everything - some things im just letting go over my head, pretending i didnt spot it....but mostly im thinking sod it - at the end of the day, these are people i work with. i dont have to socialise with them. They dont have to like me - as long as we can rub along together, we make each other laugh, and its not actively uncomfortable then all is well.

i really have taken a chill pill. (called Sertraline!) best go take it now actually.....ooops.

Me again. Mood lifted a fair bit but I am scared of tomorrow now and scared of Thursday morning when we set off for Ireland. I would never ever have believed I would feel like this. Basset you are so so comforting and your phrase of "crawling up the slope again and again" and (in my case) never reaching the soddin summit, even though it's tantalisingingly in sight, resonates with me, but it also makes me wonder about you, as you are so generous spirited that you don't post much about your own trials with mental illness. So please tell us (me) about your pendulum that swings (excellent metaphor) and how you cope with the crap days, do they get better as the day wears on or not. Yes weary is a very good word to describes these recurring crap days. I didn't say out loud to anyone that I thought I was getting my life back, because in my mind that would be tempting fate. Hmmm must not catastrophise......must not have ANTs (automatic negative thoughts) have been trying to tell myself this might be a one off.

Thank you for your kind words, but the chance of the bonny isle being dry and sunny is extremely remote! I've done most of my prep for the trip - we only take little "carry on" cases as I leave a lot of stuff over there, toiletries etc. Mind I've just phoned my sister who looks after our cats when we are away and I tried to say I was "fine" but she said "No you're not, what's the matter, the usual" I brushed it aside as best I could.

Glad you are feeling better CIQ - are mornings worse for you? Glabella glad you have seen your GP and can understand how wierd it must be for you, being on the "wrong side of the desk" so to speak. I sent a long post to you but probably a few pages back now. Sounds an ideal set-up at your mom's house. Bet she's worried about youthough. We never stop worrying about our "kids" - mine are in their 40s but we stil call them "the boys"

Ah SPC soooo glad you have found a special man in your life - take things steady now........I'm sure you will after your experiences with the ex H. You are so right that as far as recovery is concerned, it's a constant journey with no end point. Except that there is for some, I made a full recovery after my first major episode and was fine for 15 years till I came off the meds......oh enough of that. Apparently 4 out of 5 people make a full recovery from depression in 4/6 months and that timescale was exactly right for me the first time. But I think the older we are and the more episodes we have, the hill to recovery is so much steeper.

Oh Basset WHY do we think these things about ourself when we are depressed.

I too am ashamed at not being able to sort this illness out - feel worthless and that I have "let down" my loved ones. Been saying sorry to DP all morning and he always says the same "don't be sorry N it's not your fault" - he's very caring when I am down. Not always like this though - we do have some spectacular rows too! However after 40 years plus we know each other pretty well. And YES we plough on and on - I know they are symptoms of the illness but they are such tough ones, because we don't feel like this with a physical illness.

Snowy you've gone quiet - are you ok? Even if you're not, come and talk to us.

Those negative filters can stuck on a bit if you have ever been in an abusive situation (work or relationship or whatever), because second guessing others becomes a routine part of communication. However, the filters can be changed to more positive ones - or, if you are feeling brave, removed altogether...

*get stuck on

NN you just have to accept that feeling ashamed of being depressed is just another of the symtoms of being depressed. And I have spent many fruitless days telling myself to 'pull my socks up' even though I know I can't in that state. This is one reason why I go light if anyone tries to tell me to do that very thing!

Am lucky in that I only get down as a result of lack of motivation these days, and having slimmed down my commitments, I find it easier to get started on what is left, so more likely to nip it in the bud.

Thanks vicar your post and scenario made me well up in a good way. I completely get what you're saying, its just so bloody hard to believe it on days like today.

I am so pleased that your chill pill is working.

I am having counselling (psycho dynamic it is proving useful in understanding how this situation came about) and my counsellor does suggest alternative perspectives but do I need to do some hard-core CBT or something?

I am ashamed I can't pull my socks up too SPC

Nyna so glad to hear your DH is sympathetic. Really hope your mood continues to lighten

LEM you're right lego is much better than the sort of games my DD who's 8 wants to play...

I think I'm over-analysing again. Trying to work out what of my thoughts are "normal" and what aren't. Not helpful. Need to distract my head but the motivation is a b***r today!

Hoochy sympathies with the grimly hanging on.

Nina thank you for caring so much about me and all of us here .
I think every generation carries its own burden and belief do you?
"Nervous Breakdown" was spoken in hushed tones when I grew up.
It carried a stigma . These were post war years when we were children . I came home and found my mother unconscious from overdose when I was 13. The overriding memory I have is being told to tell anyone who asked lies as to what had happened . Shameful and must be never talked about .

My sons dont understand although they are fine lads and kind . But there is the unspoken feeling that I am a bit off the wall and indulgent with my quirks. I have heard them talking and it hurt very badly . I never let them into my pain now.

So yes I feel ashamed and somehow unworthy . My DH is wonderful after not understanding for a while how his lively wife became a ghost . Work I loved but it got too much and was last straw to break my fragile back .

All ok usually with my meds and mindfulness . But cant shake the humiliation emotion . It is how it was seen when a child and how I view myself now .

UA you are coping so well in this time of sadness. so well xx

Excellent that your psych has background info and has a diagnosis in mind that will mean you get the right meds and help .

I have put in my diary Monday to send thoughts and comfort to you through the ether . xx

hi UA - im so sorry you are going through such grief.

ashamed.
i get that. totally. i hve been unable to utter a single word to anyone as to why i vanished for 5 months. or why i reappeared.

and i cant. i cant tell anyone i work with other than those on a "need to know" basis. That would be just a few people in supervisory capacity.
its shit. i know its shit. but i arent brave enough to challenge it. i challenged the dicksplash who belittled me at work but i know he knows why i was off. I got angry because i know i have right on my side and he is a dicksplash. He is the only person i have challenged on their views - because he has been so blatant about it. The others would have an opinion but keep it to themselves. not sure whats worse really. so i dont tell anyone that doesnt need to know.

basset - just want to echo what nana said - you are such a comfort that sometimes its easy to forget why you are on these threads to begin with....
but you are such a comfort for so many. i hope you know that.

Thanks Vicar you made this thread and so many of us have found solace ,advice and laughter here .
A virtual village of fabulous people all ages and background
You are lovely and we wouldnt be getting the help here without you .

vicar tis quite normal to keep details of any sickness, whether physical or mental, as a private thing.

Not being ashamed of mental ill heath does Not have to be demonstrated by being over-open about it. OTOH, challenging someone who bullies you because of it seems to me to show a considerable lack of shame, and a large amount of personal integrity.

With my AS I am inclined to over-share, but luckily have managed to get paid for actually having 'lived experience', as we call it these days in the mh world. In my last job, in SU Involvement, such experience was on the Desirable list :) (Sadly with cuts there are now many fewer such jobs)

thank you both.

you know you all mean such a lot to me on here, because i feel so often i should be sorted, and im so not, and on these threads, thats ok. its normal. its ok to have been unwell.

ive still not heard back re the complaint but i believe it was being discussed by senior management. I dont want to do a hatchet job on someones career - i just want them to A) leave me alone and B) learn some bloody manners and keep their nose out of business that isnt even theirs.

i discussed this today with a lovely colleague - we decided that a suitable punishment would be to put him in stocks and pelt him with rotten fruit.
wont happen. shame.....i reckon we could learn a thing or two in modern policing if the consequences were being pelted with rotten fruit....

this i know for sure. i left a banana in my kit bag. it was NOT a pretty sight....i had to wash everything and bin my paperwork. punishment indeed.....

im starting to feel better about my own humanity in this job. Today i went to a really complex situation, one that required less of a police officer and more of an agony aunt....thats my forte really.
I should start a column.
Dear Vicar......reckon HQ would go for it?