that light at the end of the tunnel isnt a train....stay on track!

[ThatVikRinA22]

thought we had better have a new one - old one nearly full. Think this is our 4th thread now....

linky to old one here

so, here we go....title a little more optimistic than i feel but im sure i will get back on track soon.....not doing bad particularly, just feeling a bit consumed with things....work is so intense. id forgotten.

anyway....nuff of me. over to you guys....
hope everyone manages to find us to say "hi"....welcome old and new.

lem - you had a thread the other week, and if i recall you are 100% happy with your body - so why diet if you are happy? unless its for health reasons then sod it - dont feel under any pressure to do anything unless you want to - i am of your body confidence. I am getting better as i get older with body confidence.

i m doing it (losing a few lb) because in September i need to pass a running test, and yearly thereafter - now i need to start running again but i do feel quite hefty so a few pound off while im in the mood is why im doing it - ive been this weight now for the last 8 years or so. Im not looking to become super model thin, just under 10 stone is where im happiest and i think it will make the running easier.

Hi to Glabella ,NotsoBlonde and Buggerme [my favourite swear word ]..........lovely to meet you x

All this talk of losing weight has got me pondering on the huge amount of weight I have put on in the last year. I actually dont eat a lot but am very sedentary due to back pain now. A sloth actually .
So am going to up the anty with exercising more and smaller portions . Says lardy ass Basset sitting typing with elastic skirt bursting out.

ED and SPC you made me laugh this morning with your debate .
Your bed ED rivaled Tracy Emins art work for sure . Sensible modern life art for every parent in the country . Mumsnet Turner Prize winner All can identify with the laundry sorting hell. Hope Brownies isnt too stressful .

CIQ Hope you are feeling better . Your weekend sounded lovely but a burden if feeling poorly . I find any ill health episode sends my anxiety soaring whether it is me or DH. Fret fret worry worry .
Do you find painting soothing ? Once you are at the class ? I love your kind and considered posts x

Nina delighted to read that Mirt is helping .so pleased . I know it is fingers crossed time but reading back through the posts that damn head monster is sleeping deeply . I guess you will be off to the Emerald Isle soon ? Lovely and if it didnt rain it would not be Emerald or so my Irish dad told me . Seeing your family and grandchildren is precious and you make an effort to make it regular xxx The family are very lucky .

Vicar you are doing just fabulous . I love it . Your strength and humanity shine from your posts . There is optimism there which is hard when you feel overwhelmed . Yup some steps forward and ones back ........but you are doing just fine dont you think all the crap considered? I am still whining for my own rats ..... but cloth lugs with nearest and dearest . hey ho .

LEM Delighted car is sorted and bank ok. A big relief that I empathise with wholeheartedly . Lovely you enjoyed day with DP . Hope you have a very relaxing evening and a deep restoring sleep
Leave worrying about work until next week and enjoy the knowledge that your car is done and safe .and the bank are understanding . I truly know how worried you must have been ........ xxxxxx

Snowy I bought some clothes online over the weekend [had a kind of fog descend and went one click happy ] .......but got more elastic waist skirts . I think you have the better idea with getting something lovely in size smaller . I do think meds and how we feel has huge impact on weight and am not making excuses I think . I hate the anxiety lack of appetite and churning . The see saw of eating and hungry /nausea and not eating . Hope you are feeling ok and day hospital isnt too noisy . We sensitive souls do not need noise . take care x

UA Thinking of you and can only guess how much you have to get sorted along with your grief my love . So hope you have support and send you strength and an arm around you through the ether.

Waves to all I may have forgotten . xx

It is a health thing really Vicar - i am happy with my body, at least i am when i am naked - i would like to find more clothes to fit though :)

I have toothache and it hurrrrrrrrrrrrrts, i am too embarrased to go to the dentist, my teeth are in a terrible state - one completely broken in half becuse an idiot dentist filled it unecessarily. I know if i go to the dentist I will just be told off and will be mortified - have taken paracetemol, not working. I had about three months of agony with this tooth at the begining of the year - bloody hell, today was going really well. Any home remedies? short of ripping the bloody thing out myself!

lem - you need to see a dentist. No home remedies sort toothache in my humble experience.

the dentist will not tell you off - my dh used to be so terrified of the dentist that when i finally got him to go, he needed thousands of pounds worth of work doing, he needed teeth out, root canal work, it went on for months.
he goes regularly now. He told the dentist how scared he had been of going and they were fab with him.
dont be embarrassed - just brace yourself and make an appt. you will feel better for it,

Basset thank you. Must be very hard to loose weight/exercise with back probs. Have you ever tried something like Yoga or Pilates? I was prescribed a 6 week pilates course after having back probs from carrying a toddler too much - and it sorted it completely. Around here there are also gentle yoga classes for people who are older/have back probs. Could you face swimming? Otherwise yes to smaller portions (and/or increase protein and veg and cut down on pots, pasta, bread)

Virus is easing, but I think just lots going on the last few days has fried my brain. Seeing counsellor tomorrow and I know she will ask about triggers and while I know lunch was anxiety-making as well as nice I do also think there's a brain overload thing going on. The painting thing is interesting. I wouldn't say soothing as sometimes I find it stressful cos its hard! But its very absorbing so less time to worry, and the other people are lovely esp one ex health visitor who I had a nice chat to last week (tho haven't told anyone about MH stuff. Nearly told her last week - said I'd had a difficult start to the year. But its nice to go somewhere where the MH stuff is pushed to the side).

LEM vicar's right. Book it and treat yourself (with something unsugary) after. Maybe be worth pre-empting with a "bad experience with previous dentist" comment to explain delay like Vicar's DH?

Vicar wow I can imagine a running test would make you want to loose a few pounds! My dh took up running after his depression and keeps trying to get me to. Prefer walking, plus I can take photos and get painting ideas (well that's what I tell him!) Could you start with two short ones a week - I can imagine fitting them in around shifts can't be easy. Definitely sounds like a good plan to cut a shift though.

Hi everyone x

Just coming to say good night, my thoughts are with everyone.

good night snowy x

Night night Snowy x

night JohnBoy snowy x

thanks colouring - i was running up until last year - funnily enough i now also have some back problems ever since i fell down stairs.....

but i need to start running again. i used to do it - i used to run in the evening on day shifts, the morning on afternoon shifts and whenever on nights....

i just need to start again. i need to pick a day and not think too hard about it. i was up to 10k (6 miles) at one point and joined a club - but then i fell downstairs and it all went to pot.

I think i could probably still manage a couple of miles but its speed and stamina this flaming test needs....so i need to really pick it up again and soon. tbf it did always make me feel better, but im sure if i can lose a few pounds it will feel easier.

just popped on really to say goodnight to everyone - will try very hard to pop back tomorrow night.
x

Evening all.

Crap afternoon and evening.

Printing took hours.
Couldn't get car access to location so was late.
Meeting was awful. I hated every minute of it. We were doing a badge and although we do it through games and stuff this weeks was to a certain extent academic...I hated every minute of it. Just like I hate every minute of teaching. I know I was stressed because I couldn't remember any of the kids names. It was horrible. Horrible. Horrible.

I am hard on myself. I am self critical. My confidence is non existent. I don't know where to go next. ..with brownies. ..with teaching...with life.

As usual. It's monday night. I'm stressed. I'm just lost.

ed

one thing i have just realised - today.

when away from the thing that stresses you, you build it up in your mind. it becomes a monster.
i found a bit of paper today that i had written all my issues around my job on.
yes - they were real to me at that moment - but what i have realised since going back to work is that some of them werent all that big - its taken going back to see it. i had built some things up in my head to such huge proportions that they were scary - going back and ive realised they werent that bad. and i think because im on the meds - things just seem different.

i am also a total perfectionist. counselling is making me see that up to this point - if do nothing more - i was good enough.

i do not have to be perfect. no one expects it, no one thinks less of me for not being perfect. its me. its in my head. my counsellor has encouraged me to think about what sort of person i am, what sort of mother, what sort of wife, what sort of friend.....

you could so do with some counselling. You are lost just now - it doesnt mean its forever. i was lost. Remember that night i just ran away? i didnt think i could come back from that. but i did. within weeks i felt stronger. more prepared. more able. less self conscious.

you can do this ed. you can.
the thought of my fears was so much worse than the reality. and if i get bad again - i will leave. simple. its not a huge deal anymore.

Thanks vicar.

I know my problems revolve around my high expectations. Attention to detail. Perfectionism.

Whenever I evaluated any of my lessons my list of potential improvements was alwsys longer than the positives.

I haven't napped today...no room in my bed. So I'm tired. I'm going to sleep.

Thsnkd for tge consistent wise words. Just need to sleep noe.

snap with the high expectations.
and i know where it comes from. and i have to stop it - because its from the past and not from now. nothing bad will happen to me if i dont achieve perfection.
bad things happened anyway - even when i did.

i know where my need to please comes from. now i have to deal with it.

no one really cares if i am brilliant or not. thats the truth. and im ok. i do ok. in fact on many levels, i do better than ok. and thats good enough.

when you realise that - things feel different. they really do.

sleep well ed
ill pop back tomorrow night. i must get to bed myself now - i slept so badly last night....and im up for work tomorrow.

gnite, x

Thanks vicar

One of the problems for me is the way the course is assessed. Its all subjective. Someones opinion on top of self assessment. I'm obviously overcritical on self assessment. I try to read too much into the subjective assessment. I can't compare myself to my peers cos they are all in different schools.

Exams are much better. It's right or wrong. You get a %. I know where on the scale of performance a given % is compared to my own expectations; my cohort; the grade boundaries. I can use this information to make an accurate judgement and critique of my performance.

Anyway.

Rubbish night. Feeling very very nauseous now.

I opened my blinds in my bedroom yesterday when I was sorting washing, but not my white thin cotton curtains.

I went to bed.

At ridiculous o'clock (I'm sure it was before 4am) the sun came up snd beamed through the practically see through curtains. I couldn't be arsed to get up and close blinds. So I kept waking.

So today I have:

Got up. Dressed to level 3
Emptied dw
Filled dw
Put washing on
Set mouse trap (live catch one)
Redressed myself to level 1
Closed blinds
Climbed into bed.

I am now going to crochet luigis hat before a nap.

Night all.. or should that be nap all???

Ed I loved the photo of the bed :)

It sounds like you deserve and need a bit of downtime.

Hi Ed sorry to hear yesterday was so tough. Definitely a day for a nap. Hope you wake feeling refreshed.

vicar its interesting to hear about your counselling and so pleased to hear its proving effective. Mine has started to look at the good enough side of things too...

Yes another perfectionist here. Ed I recognise your improvements comments and completely sympathise re: the assessment vs exams thing. Assessment is v hard. Felt awful yest cos forgot DD had a sports trip and was supposed to take trainers and tracksuit trousers to school and had to manage without. She told me she cried cos she thought her teacher would be cross, and then she cried cos she thought I'd be cross that she would have to get her plimsoles and pe kit muddy. I hate that she fears I will be cross with her. Too stern a mother.

Anyhow if you haven't guessed I'm not having a good day. Pity post alert. I think last three busy days have caught up with me. And tho they were busy I didn't get any housework done and place is a mess again. Paranoid that the friend I met for lunch yesterday thinks I'm boring/I said too much about my MH cos she usually says we must meet up again soon, or similar, but didn't make any comments about that at all. Maybe this is just me. Maybe I get stressed doing the school run cos I'm just a bit crap really. Most mothers I know find it stressful but I go home and wallow. Grrr. Have counselling soon, so hopefully that will help. But I will definitely be going back to bed when I get back and will have to work hard to walk past the bakers and not go in and buy one of their amazing freshly baked huge Viennese fingers .

Its all feeling relentless today. Feels like having had three days of being fairly "normal" doing stuff like seeing people, shopping, meeting a friend for lunch, today I feel like I'm back to square one. Constant negative internal voice, feel so useless. Want to escape somehow. My poor DH having to put up with this for so long.

Hi all,have just been to gp as I have been having chest pains since dh went away back to work on Friday, had my 3rd session of counselling this week, and although It went well my body isn't reacting well, I initially got prescribed citalopram but noticed on the leaflet that you shouldn't take it if you have an irregular heart beat and I googled and there is a link with high dose citalopram and cardiac defects, so I didn't take it, I felt better, thought there was no need. Gp gave me sertraline instead today but am still reluctant to take it :( I can't help it, it's kind of part of the problem I worry about taking medication incase something happens to me and am on my own with the dc, as dh is away for long periods.

I know a few of you have taken sertraline, any experiences would be great. Am also worried if I take it it might make me drowsy and my work involves a lot of driving and obv need to be alert with regards to my job.

ed am also very self critical of myself, the counsellor picked it up on the first appt, I am a nurse and sometimes feel am not good enough in work amd at home.

God what a miserable post that was, sorry.

Oh CiQ I can join you in a CRAP day. I woke this morning in the depths of despair (no trigger) and is the worst day I've had since been on the new meds, and I was secretly thinking I had got my life back, but too scared to say it out loud.....had 2 longish crying bouts, which helps relieve the tension but gives me a huge headache, but that's nothing compared with the bloody depression. Fuck the Fluctuations of this illness. Hope you don't mind the swearing! I too have the ANTS in myhead (automatic negative thoughts) that make us spiral down and down - it's hard to shut them up I know, and catastrophising doesn't help but that's what I've been doing all morning, so trying to distract myself on here. I think fluctuations are the "nature of the beast" with depression and anxiety and we have to remember that blue sky will appear again.

I don't know about you, but when I am crap I have absolutely no understanding of what it's like to be OK. I am thinking of yesterday and wondering how I did what I did (which wasn't that much, dentist, shopping, ironing etc) as today any motivation to do anything has completely evaporated. Course when I'm OK I have no awareness of the Crapness, so it works both ways.

Basset I read your post last night and I had a big smile at "lardy arse Bassett" and your "elasticated waist skirts" - I never wear skirts, but trousers have to be "forgiving" around the waist. You might be overweight (like me) but I bet you give great cuddles! See my headmonster has woken up and poked me, just to let me know he is still around!

Vicar you are sounding much more together these days, and are beginning to realise that you don't have to keep on proving yourself, you're doing just fine as you are. You've probably heard this slogan (as it's on some T shirts) "Be yourself - everyone else is Taken"

Sorry I can't say much more - short on the empathising today. Yes Basset we are actually going to the emerald Isle on Thursday as my grandson makes his first communion on Sat. Big thing in Ireland. I am a lapsed Catholic and athiest now, DP rock solid athiest, my son (dad of my grandson) also athiest and dil lapsed Catholic but pretends not to be cus her parents are still staunch catholics, so we will make a motley crew in church! Mind i am now worrying that I will be crap while I am over there........NO I must try to put that thought from my mind. Have my CPN coming tomorrow, which will be good, cus I like her so much and she's really experienced - been in the job over 20 years.

Ed sorry you are having a crap time too.

Lem yep the only way to go with toothache is to a dentist. What's a few seconds of pain with an injection to hours of horrible toothache.

Snowy how are you.

Sorry if I've missed anyone - going to lie under my fluffy blanket on my bed.

LEM you do need the dentist, are you registered with one? There are some dentists who specialise in helping those with dental fear in various ways, perhaps you could find one?

Nana sorry to hear the monster is awake. Where (roughly) in Ireland are you going? Not obsessed with all things Irish atm cos of The Irishman, Oh no Hopefully I'm going to go to Kerry this summer.

Hello SPC my son and dil and children live about 15 miles North of Dublin in a small seaside town (Bettystown) on the East coast. It is rather unprepossessing to be honest. The nearest town is Drogeda. The beach is wide and windy and when that East wind gets up it's mighty cold! What happened was that there was vast amounts of farm land and the farmer sold it off and new estates were built and built and built........and my son and dil live on one of these estates. The problem is that when the boom turned to bust in about 2007 (just as they moved over there!) the infrastructure to support all this housing was started, but never finished. There is a huge Tesco that never has many customers even just before Christmas (so Tesco didn't see the bust coming) and there are lots of empty shops around Tesco. It's sad really because the cranes are all in situ and it's like a ghost town.

The one good thing of course is that there is not a lot of traffic in Ireland (until you get to Dublin!!) and the estates have wide pavements, grassy areas, and signs at each end saying "Caution children playing" so the kids can ride their bikes, play football on the green, whatever and they are relatively safe. My 8 year old g'son plays out a lot on his bike and whilst I worry if he is out of sight on "my watch" he knows where he can go and usually sticks to it.

They moved to Ireland because my dil was headhunted for a jon with Pepsico (she's a brand manager) but don't really know what it entails. However she was made redundant last year but has another job based at Dublin Airport but "brand-managing" on a global basis. My son also has a good job in Dublin, so thank god for that, because they would never sell their house, and the cost of living is really high in the republic. They go "up North" across the border for big shopping, as the prices are the same as the UK of course.

Phew......long answer to a short question. Am picking up a bit now, so this is therapeutic and is passing the time and keeping my negative thoughts under control. Who is this Irishman of which you speak? I have never been to Kerry, well we've never been anywhere in Ireland really because we go mainly to see the grand children but we've had the odd day in Dublin and Belfast! My dil is Irish but from the NOrth, so this summer we shall be visiting her dad and him and his partner are taking us to the Giant's Causeway. They do say the West of Ireland is beautiful but wet. But my experience of Ireland is that it is mostly always raining!!

Nana join in - tho I'm gutted for you that you're having a crap day having had a big improvt since starting the mirt. Yes the fluctuations are totally crap and I also get what you mean about not knowing how you do the good days. I have no idea how I managed to enjoy Saturday - I don't recognise the "me" that was at that party... I now have to play lego with my lovely cute DS tho I'd rather be in bed

Hi notso sorry to hear you're having a tough time. I'm on fluox myself, but I think vicar is on sert. They can make you feel rough for the first couple of weeks, but generally worth sticking with. Good luck.

Hi all, sorry to those of you who have had crap days recently. I have been feeling a little better, the thoughts of harming myself have receded which is a relief. I have been opening up more to my counsellor and have started a thread on relationships about stuff that happened in my marriage which has been helping me to see things more clearly.

I went to the gp today, which I hate being medical, it's so odd being the patinet. She signed me off for a month and suspects I will need longer which was a bit of a wake up call for how long it will take for me to recover from this. But good news on my course, I will only need to repeat the one placement that I am missing, rather than the whole year.

I am staying at my mums with my partner, they are still looking after dd but I can pop downstairs and see her when I feel better which is good. I get so exhausted though- an hour or so with her and my mum and I have had enough, I start to need to escape. It is good to have her here though, even if I can just hear her playing in the garden.