Hi Glabella - is this your first episode of depression - sounds like it might be, maybe the root of it being related to the abusive r/ship that you were in and stress of doing your final placement? Having said that not sure about medics. Do you have to do 2 years post degree before you are fully qualified.
I know exactly what you mean by "not wanting to be here" - depression is a torment, and it isn't that we want to die, it's just that we want the emotional pain to stopand that's the only way we can think to stop it. When I was at my worst last year I used to think if I just ran and ran and lay down under a hedge I would just expire and "not be here any more." It's called suicide ideation and it's very common in depression, but it does suggest that your depression is moderate to severe (here's me with my diagnosis.....and not a scrap of medical knowledge to my name) but I do have experience of severe depression and anxiety and I think to be honest that it is only people who have first hand experience who can understand. However suicidal thoughts have to be taken seriously as some 25% of people with severe depression do commit suicide. I was admitted to a pysch ward Easter 2010 and the main concern when assessing me for admission seemed to be whether I had made a plan (which I had) but didn't tell the psychiatrist that as I thought they may stop me doing it. I was admitted anyway but voluntarily, because my depression was so severe.
You mention feeling out of control and yes, we are out of control when depression descends. I don't know how it feels for you, but for me I feel totally flat, empty, have no motivation or interest, and other than that almost an absence of emotions. Someone here recently described feeling hollow, which resonated with me. When I am depressed I feel like a stranger has come and occupied my brain, my mind, and I keep saying to my DP "This is not who I am"......
Someone said on the thread recently that it was so good to be able to say to other sufferers that they were not able to get out of bed, as most people would find that very strange, unless we had some serious physical illness. For some reason the emotional pain seems to be a little less under the duvet. I also experience long bouts of crying, which actually give me some sense of relief, a release of tension.
I can't remember whether you are on meds or not (sorry) but if not you certainly need to be. You do mention seeing the GP again, so maybe you are. Does it feel worse for you because you are on the "wrong side of the desk" so to speak? I remember a social worker visiting the ward from time to time and he worked at the same place as me (LA SSD) but he was adult services (MH) and I was always in Children's Services, but we knew each other and I used to hide when he was on the ward!
You may well find more support in Relationships about the past trauma. Have you thought of therapy to help you unravel the past and the dread phrase "come to terms with it" - if so getting the right therapist is crucial. I am wondering if you could possible have a form of PTSD (here I go again with my diagnosing!) and if so there is a therapy that people talk about in glowing terms (EMDR) you would have to google it and Vicar on this thread talks about "re-wind" therapy and I'm sure she would be happy to tell you about it.
CiQ I have been "colouring in" most of the afternoon in my little garden room, and even managed to splash a few water colours about, as I am feeling tense and quite anxious today, sort of free floating anxiety, and messing about with felts and paint helps me to relax. So glad you managed to get to the baptism and glad you are feeling a bit better.
Snowy sorry if I was being too bossy with you about the meds and I didn't know you were stopping them so you could see your niece without being zonked out. Anyway I gather you are taking them again so that's good. 2 months does seem a long time before thet are reviewed, but presumably that is the time it takes for them to be fully effective, though I don't have any experience of the mental illness from which you suffer. Is there anything that you can do (not the sociology module!) like painting or felt tipping or something similar that could distract you when you are low, and maybe help relax you.
Love to everyone.