that light at the end of the tunnel isnt a train....stay on track!

[ThatVikRinA22]

thought we had better have a new one - old one nearly full. Think this is our 4th thread now....

linky to old one here

so, here we go....title a little more optimistic than i feel but im sure i will get back on track soon.....not doing bad particularly, just feeling a bit consumed with things....work is so intense. id forgotten.

anyway....nuff of me. over to you guys....
hope everyone manages to find us to say "hi"....welcome old and new.

Afternoon all.

I have more stuffing and more. Wool :)

I had a wierd sensation/ urge on the way back which has left me feeling a bit surreal.

Driving along the dual carriageway. I had just gone underneath a roadbridge. I found myself wondering what it would feel like to have swerved into the central reservation bridge support. It wasn't a moment of 'I want to do this' it was more of a 'what would the physical thud be like? What would the noise sound like? How big woukd the dent in my car be?'

Really hard to describe what I was feeling...I want to stress it wasn't a desire to do it. It was a curiosity as to what would it be like.

But I am freaked out by that 'desire'...

Hmm....

Thanks everyone. You all seem to be doing so well. I feel like I should be able to get up and do things, but I just can't move. I am finally sitting up in bed today instead of lying under the duvet, but its 2pm! Baby steps I suppose. I am in my final year of uni, my final placement, and taking time off will mean I probably have to repeat the year, but I just can't make myself go in. I feel so angry at myself, I am messing up all that hard work but I just can't do it. I can't even make a cup of tea or get up. I was getting through the days pretending it was fine but I don't know how to make myself do it now.

My parents have taken my daughter for tonight, and then my ex has her at the weekend, I am glad she isn't here to see me like this. She's only 18 months but she knows somethings wrong, she keeps trying to look after me, bringing me blankets and cuddling up to me. I hate that she has to do that, she's just a baby, I'm meant to protect her.

My DP is lovely, we are only 3 months in but it's complicated. He was my best friend for 7 years and has supported me through a lot, he came over as a friend when I kicked out my ex and stayed for a few days to support me, and he never left. It turns out he has been in love with me for years, and after a drunken kiss and heart to heart we decided to make a go of it, timing be damned. He is the best thing that has happened to me in a long time. I wouldn't be ready to trust anybody else right now, but he knows me better than I know myself. Sorry, I'm wittering on, once I start writing I can't stop.

I need to make another appointment with the GP, and contact uni about my placement, but the phone makes me anxious and I've been staring at a half written email for half an hour. How the hell do other people do this?

Xposts with a couple of you....guess we are all sitting down for an afternoon mn session...

Oh I give up...another crossed post!

What are you studying glabella?

I am doing a pgce...signed off sick since oct. I should only be finishing the 6 weeks I missed last year due to a bereavement.

We all know the feeling of not being able to get out of bed. For me it's the beauty of this thread. If I tell a RL friend that I physically cannot get my body out of my bed they look at me like I'm talking another language. On here it is understood that depression and anxiety can be an anchor holding us in bed with no way what so ever to lift that anchor. Huge hugs flying your way.

I need to pull my finger out over the sociology. I've just thought that clicking on show all messages would let you keep the reply on the same page as all the posts. Hugs LEM, make your appointment. Get making, Ed, lots of people do get fleeting thoughts, can be unnerving

I have schizoaffective disorder NN, so I get symptoms of depression and psychosis.

Wish I felt like working(!)

I feel really awful today, not sure why

Ed I am starting to think you really could be my twin. I get this alot - i don't drive (thankfully, id be a nightmare!) but Ive had the whole "what will happen if i step out in front of that lorry/jump in the harbour/walk in front train" but interestingly, i have always had these thoughts, even when i was "well". I do think its fairly common. I think it becomes worrying when theres desire, although if this is new to you maybe you should mention it to your GP. A friend of mine used to feel as if she could drive her car into the oncoming traffic when she was on prozac, it really freaked her out.

Nana you are so sweet! That story made me laugh. I bet you were awesome with students. Yes, it is a service user and one we've not met before so he's an unknown quantity.But my team say that I have such empathy and skill with service users- Ha bloody ha- it's because I'm one myself!

Lots of luck with the PGCE Glabella you will get better, it just takes time, be kind to yourself.

Love to you snowyX

So comforting to know that it's hard for us to decide how we feel. Even nice doctors are scary when you only have a few minutes to sum up how you feel and what you think you need. I think it's true too that not many GP's are skilled in psych meds. Love and hugs

Glabella - i went all goosebumpy reading about your BF, how lovely for both of you. It does sound like you have been through so much, he sounds like a keeper!

I know what you mean about phone calls and emails - i am exactly the same, tie myself up in knots about things and then when i have finally done them i make a face to myself because it really wasn't that hard.

With regards to your uni placement - do you think it would be an idea to repeat the year? But then you are SOOOO close, i can understand why you don't want to do that. The final year is tough though isn't it, what are you studying? Are the uni aware you are unwell?

You don't HAVE to do anything - i found tht making plans to do stuff stressed me out too much so now i don't plan things because if i don't do them i get angry with myself, so now i tend to take each day as it comes, i did sweet FA on tuesday, it made me feel better.

Your DD sounds like a little darling - i think its lovely tht she wants to look after you actually, it shows she is learning, from you, to be a lovely caring person. She must love you very much, that is because you clearly are a brilliant mum. Some people just don't give a shit about their kids, i get angry with them - im not talking about people with MH issues, just people with higher priorities, it makes me sad, then there are people like you who are struggling and their DCs feel loved and happy, your DD must feel this or she woudlnt be able to empathise and comfort you. She is lucky to have you.

Wow - that hours sit down has flown by - school run beckons

I'm doing medicine. It's not very flexible in terms of time off (I am only allowed 1 week off in the whole year), and I am expected to start work at the end of July and will most likely have to give up my place with things the way they are. I have worked for 6 years for this, and I have battled through this final year and forced myself to do it, to give in with only 6 weeks to go is useless.

Nana my turn to miss posts The agency rang me, out of the blue, i had dismissed it, but it gave me a glimmer of hope, i could so do with some work just now. But whether i could actually cope with it i dont know. Definately a very up and down week here. I haven't taken my meds yet today, im not going to take them until bedtime and switch to that regime as i have had more energy today.

You are NOT useless Glabella - it is just a very stressful time just now. Six years through med school and the past 18m wth your DD AND what sounds like a bastard ex. You are right though, to give in now would be mad so if you can get through it, do try - can you make plans while you are in bed? Not actually do stuff but time table revision etc, nothing heavy? Can we help at all?

A friend of mine was about to drop out of her PhD, she told us all she was leaving etc - we persuaded her to stay and she did - she printed off "Dr Smith" in really big letters and stuck it to her computor desk, her lab bench and it motivated her. Can you visualise yourself in July, working? What do you want to specialise in?

Oh LEM, you have made me get something in my eye. It's meant to be a full time placement, A&E shifts. It's so full on, the most stressful placement, and I don't know anybody since I have only done one day. I am trying to be a bit zen about it- I'll be a rubbish doctor feeling like this, and I will be miserable, so for now I think I need to let it go and focus on getting better, being a good mum to my daughter, and maybe take some time out if the uni will allow it. Ironically I want to specialize in psychiatry, I have done since before I was ill, so at least this whole episode will give me some interesting insight if I ever get there.

Thinking of you UA and your father .

Dont feel guilty ...your dad knows he is loved and carries that love inside him. It will be around him as you think of him . I believe this wholeheartedly . Your physical presence may not be there but your spirit and soul is . A connection from birth my love x

Sending comfort thoughts to you and be gentle with yourself xx

UA - please don't feel guilty, I wasn't there when my dad died - i was just too late as it happens. I didn't go to the hospital and hospice much as i just couldn't handle it and i had a 8 week old DD. My dad was not "with it" and hand't been for some time, but he knkew i loved him. It broke my heart when he died, but it was for the best. Its a surreal time - you just have to go with what you feel, you don't have to feel a certain way, there is no script. I think you are right to keep the memory - i saw my dad just after he died, i wish i didn't.

Glabella - wishing you strength, whatever you decide xx

Hugs to everyone else xxx

Hi everyone, wow I've missed a busy day! Sending lots of hugs to all. Will try and catch up with people but please forgive me if I miss anyone.

Nana thanks so much for your kind words, I really appreciate them. I too wonder about dosage etc. I'm on 40mg fluoxetine plus 50mg trazodone which good GP added to help with anxiety. I think because last year was so tough, I'm not sure what is normal any more!!! Like Ed I think it do think what would happen if I drive into that tree, but as LEM says I have had those thoughts occasionally for a long time. I am definitely better than I was in Jan Feb - Had clear suicide plan, couldn't do anything, or interact with anyone etc... Now I can do the school run a couple of times a week, go to college and enjoy it, am more motivated at home and have started tackling the garden. But yest for eg I was so knackered by 10.30 and had to sit down for 3 hours, then again by 8.00 I was like the walking dead tired today after college but not as bad as yesterday, I think cos my anxiety has been better today than yest. GP said cos I wasn't in great shape last year it would take a while this year, but so hard to know what's what. College was good, but when sitting having lunch with 3 others I was feeling v anxious trying to engage in conversation, and it took me til about 12 to actually get into today's painting - that whole hard to get going in the morning thing... so I have a doc apt in 10 days I think so will review mood til then and have an open conversation with her...

Vicar really great to hear about your good work and how useful your skills are in those sort of situations . Glad you're finding your inside info useful re your DDs situation - do the police there know who they're dealing with?

Glabella sorry to hear about your depression. Sounds like you have a lovely DP tho . Wow 6 years of medicine is brilliant. If you think you should focus on you and your DD then go for it. Your experience of this illness will be so helpful if you go down the psychiatry route.

Ed hope the shopping was OK ang the crocheting is progressing well. Crafty stuff is good I think. (Unless you're a super-brainy physicist of course )

Hoochy congrats on the unit it must be v good to know that your brain is working ok despite the ADs. I had the same worry re: my painting, but its not too bad. Better than organising household stuff or following a recipe! Good luck tomorrow.

UA sending hugs I think there's a lot to be said for keeping those nice memories in your head. As Basset said beautifully you are connected.

LEM glad your walk was OK and it was a nice picture of you tidying your dad's grave. I am so aware of making the most of my dad who's very special to me as he is getting old... I know exactly what you mean about having a purpose to a walk/trip. I took my camera out with me when I went for a walk last week so I had a sense of purpose... I like the idea of taking a dog with me but don't want to look after it the rest of the time

Basset were you in a people-focused job - your advice and words are always so lovely.

snowy hello! Sorry to hear you're having a bad day. Did you manage to get out at all?

and hello to everyone else x

Just popping in to say good night all.

Goodnight Snowy - I'm sorry you feel so low. Thank you for the link - it does sound like quite a complicated mental illness, and I imagine getting the meds right for the different components of the illness is a fine balancing act.

Hope tomorrow is a teeny bit better for you.....stay around so we know you are at least still managing to post.

Goodnight to everyone else too.

Another quickie from me.

Happy with today
:) got green wool, some primark bits, returned library books...
:) done 2 loads of washing. I only have half a load left!
:) washed up 6 days worth of mouldy pots...I started at 9am and finished at 9pm...obviously I did it in batches!
:) had a clear out in my 'treat corner' of my kitchen. Got rid of leftover trick n treat and christmas chocs...just left with easter.

I could be sporadic over next few days. Mega tidy up tomorrow...party day out sat and sleepover...

Sending love to ua. If your df is on an iv I expect he will be sedated. Fwiw I hated tge last couple of days sat at my dsfs bedside. The waiting. Everyone in the room looking up at the same time every time there was anything that caught our ear. I would much rather of waited at home for news. It was different tho in s sense as he was at home so I was needed to support my mum and other family members. Huge hugs flying your way.

As ever thinking of you all. Wish me luck over the next few days...getting very shaky and anxioys about it.

Good Luck Ed - don't be anxious, you are a star - relax and enjoy (and maybe raid the treat cupboard?)

OK ish here - busy (but boring) day ahead, then its the weekend xx

You can come and sort my house out...

Another rubbish night...
Struggled to get to sleep as I am anticipating a looming confrontation.
Woke several times.
Had several wacky dreams.
Ive already done a bit of washing, filled the dw (but forgot to turn it on).

I'm just looking around and getting freaked by the rest that needs doing...so I have done the most obvious and sensible thing...I'm hiding under my duvet ...

I've just downloafed the latest candy crush update...this is a disaster...

Hi Ed try Flylady's emergency clear up stategy, or my randomish googling strategy.