we were all in the bed, this is the 2nd thread....roll over! roll over!

[ThatVikRinA22]

so we all rolled over and hellebelles told us to get our arses out of bed......

ive started a new one because there are only a few posts left on the old thread before it gets full.

nana ive described myself on the old thread just for you!

so.

nana hellesbelles mama ed silvery and basset and any one else who posted on the old thread or who relates to our experiences and wants to post on the new one....welcome to the new thread.

old one here

Hi Vicar been pondering and pondering some more .
Your last message is so intuitive and very important in that last sentence .
i dont want to feel trapped in a job that is hurting me for much longer.

So understand why and have read today in the papers that stress is accounting for more sick leave than ever in the police . You are not alone . Listening govt? Are they hell

Just my thoughts Vicar : If you can . go through the protocols and meetings with them . Speak your truth . Give them the recommendations advised per OCC health . Ask for part time /different station . You are so not alone in this situation . I hate what this govt are doing to the force .

If they are unable to adjust ? The ball is in their court . Bring it on .

I realise how damn awful this is for you to deal with truly do . No job is worth what it has done to you .

My mum is in care home . When the needs must maybe you would be a godsend for a wee while ... lovely kind people are always needed in these places. A stop gap to lick your wounds for a while and help others .
Rest your tired mind ......send cvs off to probation etc .....who knows ?

The best is yet to come with your skills and empathy Vicar .

well, i think they may well try and get shut of me anyway. HR are questioning my hernia diagnosis....occy health have said that i declared my reflux on my application (which i did! thank god!) but i have the distinct feeling they would rather i go than take sick leave for such issues....

im sending CVs left right and centre. Friend just left a care home - not sure i could do it.

the sad thing is that i feel like somewhere there is a place for me in the police - but its just not response. Yet im stuck with it. I think a move plus reduced hours would be ok. But clearly they are not rushing.....and i know why. its punishment. ive stated im ready to return but they know that i will be on reduced pay before long. i feel they will wait until i am on reduced pay to "teach me a lesson" - i hate to think that but instinctively i feel that is the case.

Police as a job is being royally fucked over right now. i have been posting on a police forum - its clear that the majority on there are totally and utterly pissed off with the whole thing.

the sad thing is that i feel like somewhere there is a place for me in the police - but its just not response. Yet im stuck with it.[quote]

So very easy for me to say I know sat at my pc at home while all this turmoil is going loop da loop around your head .

I totally agree there is a place for you in the police. So so needed . Vicar you would be so good . So supportive and making that difference to peoples lives .
Maybe just sit back and see what they say .....it cant be to hard to switch you to a quieter station for a while . And you have very right to ask for this while recovering on staged return .

Just keep close to your heart lovely lass ........no one NO ONE or any job will ever make you feel so poorly again .

P.S. by adding turning chains when I think I need them I don't seem to get a straight edge....but each repeat is 10rows and I have only done 10 rows....so not sure if it would pull straight when I block it.

P.P.S {icture of the 10 rows will very shortly be on my profile....

Sorry...wine appeasrs to make me post on the wriong thread...

Good evening. Here is my evening round up. I appologise in advance...I migh have had a bottle of wine...and a bit (first time in aggggggeeeeesss).

I shall stick to positives and negatives to save you having to read a load of drivle.

Positives

Sorted all the washing on my floor into clean and dirty....and then into different colours/people
Took a load of washing out/ put a load of washing in
Crocheted 5 rows of my test strip for my summer bag....in case you can guess my pics are on my profile if you are bored enough to look.
Did about 6+hrs of Brownie pack holiday prep (should have taken less than 2hrs but ATM I am very slow. But it has been done.
Took a load of washing out. Put a load of washing in.
Took my meds
Cleared the kitchen (a little bit)
I havenm't been back to bed!!!

Negatives
I might have accidentally drank half a bottle of wine+
I'm going to stop there beACUASE MUY TYPOING is pants.

I love you bassett and helles and mama (where are you mama???) you are so grounded abd level headed. You are my hymalayas

I love you vicar you are so much in the same place as me....reeally the diffwerent world but same place. You are mt Ayres rock

I love you snowy and nana despite finding life difficult you find the time to post here. And every post supports me. Every post no doubt supports the others on the threaed. Every post no doubt supports 10's if not 100's of others that are kurking. You are my Andes

I love you silvery becasue you are always here. Come rain or shine. You know what to say. You know who tyo say it to. You are my Urals.

Without you lot I wouldn't get out of bed in the mornings.

Thankyou. And I mean that from the bottom of my heart. My friends think that they are getting there old friends back....and I feel as if they are right.

Virtual hugs heading in all directions.

Now do I leave my sorted washing on my bed and sleep in twins bed....or do I move everything back onto floor to stay there a week and sleep in my own bed?????

Any I am sure I have forgetton loads....you can be my Alps....and Rockies...and Penines....and Grampians....and whatever.

This thread has seriously been a lifeline to me over the last few months....through lurking...and posting...

And I wish none of us were here. I wish none of us were. But we are. And we are here sharing our journey together. Sharing our troubles. Sharing our triumphs. No matter how small. love you all

Oops I appear to be druunk/

Ooops....I appear to be talking to myself....

Ooops I appear to be heading for the twins bedroom....night all....

I should say the twins are obviously at their dads...

Ed we love you too!

I am delurking so you're not talking on your own

Sorry for the absence but this has been one of my key features that I am doing battle with. My workplace placed me into such a position of paralysis (damned if you do, damned if you don't was another ingredient in the mix) that it has extended into my life . This is why I was so ecstatic about doing things before the deadline. It was ME!

I have been doing a fair bit of thinking, and been reading the thread although not posting. It was lovely to hear from you all over the weekend and to see Helles and Basset as well.

Snowy I will never be able to fully understand what you are going through but no matter what it may feel at times, you are strong and brave. Your short little posts always bring a smile.... a little mouse peeking in and letting us know she is still there .

Vicar enjoy that bathroom! I was soooo jealous to read about your towel ordering and it made me fantasise about renovating our bathroom (a few years away). Okay, I think you should make a strong case for what you want and why they should want it. I can see the many benefits they could reap but at the end of the day, think about what the job has done to you. Some you win, some you lose, some you just have to quit. You have one life and it's not worth enduring that pain for a job that isn't working for you. I fully understand that you want it to work (been there, got the t-shirt and PTSD) but at what cost? I wish I had the strength to have accepted my own advice when I needed it.

Nana I am really sorry to hear that HM continues to visit and always remember that whatever anguish he brings, you are loved. You really are a beautiful person on the thread, generous and willing to share your knowledge and experience, and I want you to remember that. You mean a lot to many, and have helped many too. I was very happy to hear about the new psych and it is important when you are in a long term relationship that you can work together. Good luck with it all.

Ed you never fail to make me smile. Okay, not all the time but there are these posts of yours which come zooming in full of exuberance. We are all doing our little battles and trying to understand life, but I think that is you. When you were writing about bipolar (IIRC) the one thing that came to mind is when I started to have good days they felt stupidly good. I worried a bit then realised they were probably only normalish okay days but because I was not weighed down I felt incredibly alive. As I have mentioned before, I am working on symptom management and also towards a more level and stable life. It is helping and it is helping me understand what I have been through.

Silvery here's another for you! Many thanks for your little note. I am slowly dealing with things. I just hit the slippery slope of "oh well it wasn't really all that bad and maybe I was making a mountain out of a molehill/imagining it all." No Mama, that is what kept you in that bad place. Step back and repeat all of the things that happened and realise you were minimising and denying what was going on. I used to be quietly assertive but it got beaten out of me. I will regain it (DH has seen flashes; he grinned).

My counsellor has me writing up everything that I can remember re. mangler so that I can mentally shelve it away as it is then on paper. It is helpful and putting things into perspective. It is daunting though and I dread how time disappears as I do it. the ironing has accumulated. DD is also on d2 of a fever bless her; she has been a very good patient. Her first feeling better day I dread - she becomes this little dynamo (more so than usual). The house has slipped a bit again. I need to get rid of the paper pile.... SPC I am notorious. When I move house I pack a small pile that simply didn't get filed. It's my seed pile for the new home each time. Unintentional. I also understand the 'that's the laundry done. Forever' feeling.

And yes Ed, I agree - it is amazing to look back and see the paths we have all taken and how they have woven by and through each other. It has been a journey, a tough one for many of us, but a better one for the company. It has been a lifeline for me too and one of the reasons I can think about turning around a corner. You have all shared life, experience, knowledge and feeling. It's a little home.

I will try to post more often because it is important. I haven't been posting because the mental re-engagement seems to have restarted the fear of doing things for fear of being told off again. I have been reading and thinking of you all but I guess for me that isn't enough or fair. Life and things happen because we invest into them.

I slept through!

on the other hand, I have to get up for work...

ds off school today thanks to asthma

yesterday-me gave today-me a birthday present - the house is tidy and the washing-up is done so I don't really mind getting up but I have serious numbers of meetings today

ed you are Brill - loved your posts. hope you are ok for the next few days - I tend to hit a trough after drinking alcohol. were you drinking for the flavour or the alcoholic content? you've said before you drank too much cos you felt down - hope that wasn't the case last night

by the way - I'm very honoured to be a Himalaya - though the smallest peak. the quality of my posts compared to the others - well, o think I'm a foothill!

do you think the perfectionist is in you is making you feel this way vicar? do you fell that you've failed somehow? (i felt that) or (this is what I do with my parents) do you think that if things were as they should be, everything wpuld be ok so you go along in the hope that will happen? or something else entirely. just to clarify: you haven't failed - everything you've said has shown that your compassion in the post really helped people and that the powers-that-be were happy to make use of that. if you're helping people at difficult times, that does take an emotional toll on you. eg counsellors see counsellors of their own to help them cope with everything they're hearing. because it's easier to put your churning thoughts to one side when you have a plan, what will you do if they make no changes after a phased-return? if hey offer same hours, different station? if they offer decent hours, same station? New role? get it written down and remind your brain you've done that when it starts churning. it helps me anyway.

nana that hm is like an abusive husband - sometimes help is needed to escape so that psych has a big job ahead! I wonder if hm is your danger signal? some people say anxiety/depressikn is left over from our need to spot dangers on the savannah.

mama the question is, is writing it down helping - although it must be awful reliving it all, are you feeling any freer?

snowy hello - keep checking in when you can so we know you're still there. I pray it's not as bad as you feared and that you're finding some relief from your symptoms.

spc you go girl don't think I didn't notice the dirty stop out reference! have fun - and remember to play safe. the over 60's are the fastest growing group for catching std's (sorry to be coarse but, working in a school, I am always pushing contraception) I wish contraception was separated from condoms, girls just don't seem to understand they need both. rant over.

basset so glad you've delurked - not the same without you!

unfortunatelyanxious if you're lurking, I hope your health is improving.

hello lurkers - drop into the thread anytime - posters are the stitches that keep it together

have a good day and good mental health

Good morning.

Sorry about last night...made me laugh myself tho to see me say I was just going to list positives and negatives so you didn't get any drivel...and then I went on to say I loved you all and compare you to big rocks ....

Anyway. I am awake...tired (but suspect going to bed at 2am doesn't help) but feel alive. I also feel tired not fatigued/exhausted/weary. Does that make sense???. Need to sort my washing out so I can in my own bed tonight.

Re: drinking. Don't think it is me that has said I drink more because I feel down . If anything I have been drinking less because I haven't fancied it. Last time I was drunk was Christmas and I can't remember the time before that.

Having said all that now you say that I probably am drinking a small amount more frequently than I was (1 glass of wine/one can of lager 4-5 days a week)....which I probably shouldn't be.

Loved seeing your beautifully eloquent posts in the middle of the night though mama.

Right...I am going to get on with my day and what a wonderful day it is going to be :)

hi all.

gosh - thread moved a bit! firstly ed your posts have made me today - and im very honoured to be your Ayres Rock....sounds all mysterious and spiritual, and still there after many years! Thank you for making me smile, i think that was the mumsnet virtual equivalent of getting pissed, breaking your heel in a grate and then having a piggy back off your pal while you tell everyone that you love them

and i have to say im most impressed with your geographical knowledge of mountain ranges and Big Rocks. and crochet!!

On a serious note these threads have been my own personal therapy, a life line that had made me feel less alone with my problems, and i also thank my luckies that i found all of you lovely ladies to talk to me, share with me your ups and downs, share ideas, thoughts, and generally stop me feeling so alienated from the rest of the world.

mama im glad youre still around - the mangler did indeed do a number on you, but at least you know it wasnt you....im so angry for you, you are left dealing with these horrible after affects caused by one persons actions. But - it sounds like you are healing. good days are to be celebrated. I hope your DD feels better soon and doesnt turn into a whirling dervish on recovery! (though whirling dervish is probably preferable to poorly)

im pretty sure, deep down, that i will leave the force. In all honesty, if someone just handed me another job, now, i would not go back. Im trying to prepare for going back because just now, there isnt an alternative. As soon as there is, i will probably go. I dont feel like the force is ready for the likes of me just yet.... and i dont possess the other qualities needed for it - yes i have the warm fuzzy bits, but im too apologetic in my dealings with people and i lack confidence so badly that it shows in some situations, and it cant show. I face most things calmly, but im not very good at interviews, solicitors make me nervous and custody sgts make me feel about an inch high....and the negatives are hurting me. i know they are, so unless something really changes, i dont think its going to be for me. Im not very hard nosed. I think the way alot of cops cope is to become very hardened, and thats just never going to happen with me - i dont have a hard streak. i know that as a person, mentally, i can be very strong, and i have endured some difficult times, but my lack of confidence eats away at me. If i could change the way i think about myself, i may have a fighting chance. I always feel like i dont know what im doing. Every one keeps telling me i do, but it never feels like i do, and that undermines me. I think the biggest problem is me. Throw that into a job that makes you do things that are well out of most peoples comfort zones and, well.....the result has been not good. Ive been though a lot of things, but this job has shone a spotlight right onto the things within me that i hate. I thought the job would force me to become something that im not, i thought it would help me build confidence. Instead its stripped away the bit i had. It was madness really to push myself into this situation. i think it was kill or cure.
think i know the answer to that one!

helles glad you slept well, and hope your boyo is feeling better soon.

snowy still thinking of you and hoping you are finding some peace. Hoping you can find some positives, even if its just having some space to rest. x

nana its so unfair, mama is right. You have a very warm generous spirit, despite being under the weight of the slithery bastard....(sorry!) I am hopeful that your change of meds will begin to make things much more tolerable very soon. Ive also heard good things about your new meds - just got to get through the first few weeks.

waves to everyone else, SPC, basset, and of course, i hope that those who havent posted for a few days are ok. UA

i am still a bit rubbish remembering everyone - thats not to say i dont remember later when i cant get to pc! I think of you all on here, often.

right. Best move my ample arse into gear. Need to go and buy paint....bathroom should hopefully be finished today (window going in now). im desperate for a lovely soak and ive absolutely no patience! Its got to be finished tonight - i will be languishing in a bath at midnight at this rate!

see you all later....

and ed - hope the heads ok this morning! x

Heads fine.

The energy I had last night and this morning have subsided. Still in bed. Sleepy now...get up and plough on...or nap and feel shite all afternoon anyway????

Up you get HB. level 3 here. Have a nap this afternoon?

HB, happy birthday! Enjoy the day and calm of a tidy house. Good idea for a present.

It is something I have been considering since it is difficult to write at times. Not the writing but mentally focussing to be able to write in an orderly and coherent manner. It has been making me organise my thoughts and memories, and also to work with them in a more controlled environment. I could not have done this earlier and I am using it as part of the make my life/moods stable exercise. Not 100 % but a definite improvement in managing anxiety, fear etc. and I am seeing positive changes elsewhere e.g. affection towards my family (I would get incredibly irritable after I had gone through another flashback; quite short and tetchy not at all like myself). It is a hard slog but I do think it is a useful tool.

Vicar Helles raises a good point about counsellors having counsellors etc. to help process the events they encounter. Would this be useful for you in general, work or non-work related items? Do write things down, especially at any meetings.

Ed - it seems to be unanimous - we loved your posts!

Basset, Snowy, UA, SPC, Nana and all readers - a hug and hope you are having a peaceful day with a little bit of fun.

I must run!

Evening all.

I might clean my bathroom tomorrow inspired by vicar

I do still love you all when I am sober :)

Im shattered. Here is my resume of the day.

Positivity
Woke without a hangover
Put 3/4 of the washing away (still got dd3s to do)
Clear draining board.
Put a load of washing in.
Empty dw and reload
Wash up
Wipe worksurfaces
Brownie shopping
Brownie meeting
No daytime nap
Shower
Make up

Negativity
Found evidence of a mouse (s) in my garage.

Dtd1 is still being bullied. So need to deal with that.
Dtd2 is being demabding
Dd3 is being demanding.

How can 3 people ruin a day completely?

I'm sending them to bed early (after a bit of tlc for dtd). Then I'm going to start to crochet a pooh bear for dtd2s birthday...but shhh don't tell her.

well, i have painted my bathroom. its not quite finished, fitter is back tomorrow to finish bits, bath side to go on, door to go back on, toilet to screw into floor, fan to fit and last spotlight to wire in, bath and basin to seal, just bits really.

it looks absolutely fabulous. i keep going in just to stand and look at it! ive painted the walls but i mixed the first coat with water to "seal" the plaster so hopefully it should be fine.

because there isnt much exposed wall, ive painted the bit there is in a very deep russet, the furniture is a walnut, so despite the tiles being white (they are huge and brick set so looks trendy!) it looks so warm and cosy in there now. The blind is slate grey and the towels match (when they get here!)

my john lewis order was meant to arrive today but it didnt, i hope it comes tomorrow....

i was meant to go to stables tomorrow but thought bathroom would be finished by now, so will have to put that off. Think ill go thursday instead.

ed i sympathise re the kids. DD is being absolutely vile to me at minute. no idea what is wrong with her, other than she is getting a bit stressed with school/exams. She is normally fine, but this last few days has been stroppy, shouty, moody, until she wants something.....then its all change.

she is 15 and never been grounded in her life but i got close to it tonight. She is speaking to me like shit. I cant say anything to her without her snapping at me. She has gone to bed so im having a glass of vino and mumsnetting....

oops sorry ed!

thank you mama

night all

Oh Ed what a lovely mail you did last night . We love you too .
Himalayan me ? Yeh in the ample bosom and butt area for sure .
I honestly can see you coming back to life [if you get me ] in your recent posts. It is there and growing . good to read that you are thinking of your PGSE course again . Pondering on it is fine for now .
Love the crochet and am twitching to start again. But know for now I cannot follow instructions with the brain fog. Got some lovely books though so can look at the pics .Will stick to dog blankets for now .....k1 p1 k1 p1 ..yawn. k1 p1 k1 p1 .....nose down and dribbling into nightie

Vicar your bathroom sounds divine ........all earthy colours and natural . I think your next task is to find some gorgeous bath stuff [expensive cos you are worth it ] ........line the shelves Mmm. Enjoy that first bath with the bubbles and water up to your nose .........and relax . Maybe a pic that you can take off next day for us ? Looking foward to garden talk soon

mama so good to read your posts . Where do you live [generally ] if you dont mind me asking? You seem to do the night shift in this thread bless you
Again I sense a recovery happening after looking back on your posts . You seem such a kind gentle person It makes the actions of that evil person even worse . You are remembering now how strong you are though .
Good . Good .

Helles Happy Birthday . Love your posts and the words you use .
Hope your DS is feeling better with the asthma. You encourage and enliven us
all here.

Nina and Snowy thinking of you both a lot and say my prayers [though I truly dont know who I am praying to sometimes ] that you are finding some peace of mind and optimism . Life can and will get better .

SPC always a calm support and witty word . Hope you are ok yourself though . A giver in this world of takers so let us help if you are needing a virtual hug or some twittering from me . The other sisters of mercy here will agree with me on this .....their answers not my random twitter [digging myself a hole here ]

Anyone else out there come and join in with us if you feel it would help .
My life has been helped so much by being able to write here and not be judged for my spelling ,grammar ,emotions ........online friends for sure

oh i forgot! happy birthday helles for you....

basset you are such a love. im so glad you are still with us on the thread. for you too.

and yep. i love you all too...
lovely ladies, all of you.

Oh yeah happy birthday helles....can we have a joint virtual birthday party at the end of the week ???

Bassett....spelling??? grammar???? sentence construction. I haven't got a clue what you are talking about .

Right...I have translated my winnie the pooh pattern from Spanish....so theres another thing for the positivity list. I plan to start it tomorrow...but only after I have unloaded all the Brownie holiday gear out of my car and put away my last lot of washing :)

Night all. Earlyish night here. Bit of reading to do but switching all technology off now.

A very happy birthday helles.

Ladies I have never been better Can I be the Pennines please, the Urals reminds me of 'urinal' And I love the Pennines, which are just up the road from me (well, a bit of them is).