we were all in the bed, this is the 2nd thread....roll over! roll over!

[ThatVikRinA22]

so we all rolled over and hellebelles told us to get our arses out of bed......

ive started a new one because there are only a few posts left on the old thread before it gets full.

nana ive described myself on the old thread just for you!

so.

nana hellesbelles mama ed silvery and basset and any one else who posted on the old thread or who relates to our experiences and wants to post on the new one....welcome to the new thread.

old one here

Um, the builder thinks he can sing... I reckon he should keep the day job! ;)

Random cmht person was nice enough, better than my normal person if I'm being honest.

Argggghhh.....

God I hate this.

I'm back to square 1...can't drag myself out of bed....

I hate this life but my body won't let me change :(

Sorry things are not going as you hoped, ER Good luck with getting your tasks done in the time.

Ed think of this as a way to calibrate how you are at the moment. You had a productive day yesterday, and now all the evidence is that you need a day's rest. (I do realise this is not always possible!) Try and keep a running count of your sleep and nap hours as well. It may be that a pattern may begin to emerge which you can use to optimise your activities?

I notice a similar pattern in myself. Even when I was working I tried not to attend more than one meeting a day, to avoid overload. When on holiday my preferred pattern is go out and do something one day, chillax the next day. (As opposed to DB, who wants to be Up and Doing/Going Places every day )

Am trying to do my Maintenance Paperwork, in theory! At least I'm sat at the computer

Day 7 of HM on the rampage big style. I'm scared because I don't usually have so many bad days consecutively. Keep crying....DP here and being supportive as usual but I can't help wondering if he is fed up with it all. In bed till 1.30 and just feel so empty, and miserable.

Hi NanaNina I'm sorry the HM has been so bad for so long. Big hugs. I'd like to wave a magic wand and make him disappear for you.

Hi Nina so sorry to read that your headmonster has his vile claws so deep at the moment .
What meds are you on currently ? Somwhere in my memory I think you are on Imipramine or other tricyclic like myself . Apology if this is not right Nina .

It sounds that maybe a change of meds are needed . My memory is appalling but again wonder if you prefer to be without meds ? If ok with you tell us xxx

Just want to send you a large hug while you feel so bad lovely lady . Like us all here I wonder what the triggers were for this to happen[ brain chemistry aside]
hypnotherapy seems a good idea with right therapist .

All ok with me today and never taken for granted .Awful dreams but I now kind of know I am dreaming ? So dont get so spooked .

Love to you all Snowy, Silvery, Ed.Helles ,Mama and Vicar ....and always others whose names escape me at the minute but think of .

Delighted that you had good day at the stables yesterday Vicar . and HAPPY BIRTHDAY to you today. and lots of . x

Yes snowymouse I wish I had a magic wand for all of us! YOu have a remarkable memory BF - yes I'm on imipramine 200mg per day and I have diazepam when needed. NO I don't prefer to be without meds. My one big regret is that I ever came off them (again imipramine) was on them for 14 years following first major episode of major depression following unexpected death of my dearest friend. Then I started seeing a psychologist with expertise in coming off drugs and I came off them gradually over 10 months, but within 4 months being off them I had a 2nd major episode. Now on twice the dose I was on before. The thing is though I go up and down and have done for past 3 years. It usually works out bout 80% good and 20% bad or partially bad. Everyone wonders what the triggers are and there aren't any. I know it is hard to accept this irrationality but it is irrational and totally unpredictable. It just since Christmas I've had so many more bad days than usual and although they do always go away, I get so anxious the longer it goes on.

You mention change of meds. I have tried to get hold of a lovely CPN I had after I was discharged from hospital but she's in tomorrow. Was going to talk through with her what possibilities there might be. I am scared of changing meds as I know how it is all trial and error but would be willing to try. Thing is this CPN works for the consult psych who I had last time and he's horrible, social skills of a slug and makes me feel very intimidated. He had the same effect on the nurses on the ward.

Glad you are ok BF - am I right in thinking you have ups and downs, and if so do you know the triggers.

Hi Nina - thanks for reply . I do think maybe a change of med is needed perhaps . You are suffering so badly and all anti depressant drugs seem to lose their efficacy after a while it seems . I think this is true and take my Dothiepin nightly but really it is a placebo now . Very low dose though which I can double if very anxious .

I so hope you can chat to the CPN you trusted this week and discuss other meds or therapies that will give you peace and recovery from this hellish illness .
You sound so strong in your mails and so helpful to us all . I feel so sad that you suffer so much .

Personally I am very scared of SSRIs . Had bad time on one and recently my doc added Citaprolam for acute anxiety . I tried it and couldnt hack it at all . But I THINK I did not give it a chance really . Googled too much and stopped taking it . So understand the fear of dreadful side effects . But they are the NICE guidelines now for GPs to use these and they work for many many people . Hope you get some good advice and support and get new meds and therapy .xx

The black dog that haunts me Nina is always hovering in the background .
My illness started in my childhood with anxiety . Unresolved anxiety let its soul mate depression take a chair in my psyche. I know I am very vulnerable to any unexpected life event . My day to day life is very controlled . Agrophobic in that I do not go far out of my comfort zone . I am often scared out of my wits for nothing . My sons do not understand which adds to the isolation . They try but I hear stuff they dont think I hear .

The slug consultant hopefully is retired and playing golf somewhere very badly in a sand storm . I have high hopes that you will get some valuable help with a new consultant and the Cpn you trust .
You are being proactive in finding ways to recover and that takes strength when beaten down . high Five Nina .
Good luck and a hug .

I will start with a hug for all.

Happy birthday Vicar !

NanaNina, I originally saw a hypnotherapist in the UK through the NHS. Do find somebody you are comfortable with and good luck with it all. Naughty HM. Can you draw HM and draw HM doing what you want him to do?

I haven't posted in a few days but I have been reading the thread. Anybody who wrote about whittering... please do not refrain It is what keeps the thread going and what seems to make us realise we are not alone in this challenging journey.

I posted last week that I had been offered a part time position and I have accepted it. Paperwork filed last week and I am due to start next week. I can feel some of the panic but I am reminding myself where it is coming from and why. Evil boss can be usurped from his position of influence in my brain. I am making plans with respect to what I want to achieve and where I should start at with the tasks assigned to me.

The nightmares are in full swing every evening and I wake up quite tired. I can feel the anxiety on my face and in my face muscles. I have been a little bit more tetchy too.

But I feel that this is an opportunity to change things and to give me a future chance. I do get a bit of a flutter of excitement and then panic. I honestly didn't think I would go to work again. I am focussing at calming the panic as it prevents me from working properly and interacting well with others.

One thing that has been troubling me greatly is that a number of people have advised me to go to HR and file a report on my ex-boss so that there is a record somewhere; they believe he will re-offend so to speak and this sets a paper trail/precedent. Also to speak with people higher up in management re. reference letters and some other items which could have bearing on my future. The counsellors have both advised me to do something as they feel part of my problem is that I never had a voice. I am normally quietly confident, politely assertive and willing to defend myself but also very aware of other people's feelings. I am scared of repercussions and that it may start a new cycle of antagonism and reputation-bashing and bad mouthing. I know I am not there but rumours may affect my employability in the future.

The anonymous phone calls had started again (don't know if they are linked to him but there has often been a curious timing); haven't had another since I said I would call the police. It did used to happen when I was working and often coincided with when my husband was away on work. I stopped letting people know when he would be away and the calls practically stopped. The only people who knew his work pattern were family, two friends and people in my immediate workplace, plus some of DH's work colleagues. Since I have stopped working the pattern seems to be when he has seen me out and about or I have met up with somebody from the old workplace. He gives me the creeps as he follows me with his eyes as I walk/drive along. I was at the stop lights last year and he was going by and kept staring intently into the car. I just looked forward and tried to keep my face blank of emotions. I have avoided telling anybody linked to my old work about my plans in case it seeps back. I don't want him to know where I am, what I am doing, what I might be planning to do. It sounds ridiculous as he was only my boss and makes me feel paranoid. I think it stems from the fact he treated me badly and I know that with him, the end justifies any means (he told me so). In itself, this fear is not helpful either; I do not feel safe as I know how charming and manipulative he can be.

I should add; I stopped discussing DH's work plans at my workplace and that was when the calls stopped. It made me suspicious it was somebody from within the workplace.

Hello all - and happy birthday vicar - hope you're being spoiled

mama this sounds more like stalking. have you get a diary/log of everything including dates etc? it might be worth contacting the police.

hi all.
thank you for the birthday wishes - had a very normal day. Got cards from DD and DH, and 2 pals. DS couldnt find a post box but texted. Went and bought myself some new ear rings, new wellies and riding gloves.

mama - if you feel unnerved and that there is a possibility that your former boss is harassing you, you could actually follow through with a chat to the police you know - its not ott - its sensible. ok - so there may be no actual evidence at the min, but i would think about it if its making you feel so anxious, also huge congrats on the new job - i would get settled in and then really give some serious thought to what you might like to do about your old bastard boss. Dont feel under pressure - but if it gives you a little bit of power back, or makes you feel any better, then do think about telling HR at the old place - but only if you feel able and want to do it.

nana - so sorry you are having a bad spell - remember - its just a bad spell and it will pass. sounds like a good idea to discuss meds though if these spells are getting longer.

ed - twins. yes. i also went back to bed today and then couldnt get up - im out tomorrow - have a riding lesson so must get up - hope that will lever me out of bed at a reasonable time - DD will want a lift to bus stop at 8am so i might try and stay up....i feel worse if i go back to bed and then have to get up and be somewhere.....its fine if i can languish in bed but not so fine if i have to move my arse. Its the anniversary of my Dsis death in a car crash tomorrow so im glad i have a distraction - i will stay at stables and help out. im dreading senior boss coming out to my house and i wish so much that i had an interview for the nhs job - no word as yet though so am losing hope. I so wish i could win a bit of money, go into partnership with riding instructor, she is struggling so badly but so brilliant at what she does - she needs an investor - if i could i would and then just devote my time to the horses and her.....
in my dreams.....

anyway. huge hugs and waves to everyone else - im so sorry i dont name check everyone but im rubbish at it......my ageing memory is not what it used to be!

i was 41 today. bah.....!!

HB, Vicar - his treatment in the workplace has been described as harassment, bullying and abuse by the counsellors. I am still struggling with that label. Following some of the threads on relationships has helped in terms of what happens, how the person feels and how they move on.

With respect to the phones, all I can describe is a pattern and coincidences. Limited. He did receive an application from me with my home address and within a week there was somebody who looked very much like him behind the garden fence, sat beyond a pond, looking into the back of the house. Physically similar and very similar way of holding/deporting self. He only ever did that the once that I saw. So yes, he can be odd. My word against his though. At the time I wrote it off as strange. Things really began to decline 2 months after this.

Ulp nearly missed the opportunity to wish you a Very Happy Birthday, vicar. I remember being OK at turning 40, then somewhat puzzled at my next birthday to find the numbers still went on going up...

Vicar, enjoy the birthday presents! 41 years young....

UA, that's lovely that you went for lunch and helped your friend with wedding dresses. Maybe a day of rest tomorrow?

lol TSP thats quite how i feel.... they should stop at 40 surely!

mama - seriously - have a chat to police. this man needs talking to. Obviously your wishes would be taken into account but i would have no hesitation in putting the fear of god into this idiot - just to be on the safe side. If he is stalking you then he knows police have his number.....you have it logged and hopefully peace of mind. i would talk to police. ok it could be complete coincidence - but i would let him have a very strong hint that should he be playing silly buggers you will have no hesitation in taking this further.

you dont work for him anymore and you dont have to be frightened of him. sod him. he should no longer matter - call his bluff. he is likely to be a pathetic individual who will probably run a mile at the hint of authority getting involved.

oh and well done UA....id say thats a pretty big milestone.

Vicar, I appreciate your opinion a lot. It is hard and a lot if this is the past i.e. It is what was done that has had this long term impact. Now I am outside the realm of influence I only have to see him if out and about but I don't like the way he stares and stares.

At work there were many and different things. He felt he had the right to tell me how to live my life, to criticize my work life balance (at this point I had stopped talking about my private life because I was tired of the put downs), put my and my families achievements down. He said things like I have access to your office and gave been through all of your cupboards and I have been reading all of your emails. Granted they technically belong to the employer but it was the tone with which it was said. There's a long list, includIng undermining, obstructing, failing to follow procedure, unsubstantiated allegations.

As DH calls him - mangler (manager)

There's a long and sad list. It's a big step to recognize abuse for what it is and to call it that. Speaking and writing are hel

Helping me deal with it. He also incited people against me, supported a co-worker who was below me in grade in subordination and non compliance to rules he wanted me to monitor, demanded I don't interact socially (work celebration lunches) with the rest of the group.

Could I approach the police on the basis that I will be reporting him to HR and am scared of any fall out?

He would say things, deny them, go back to the original. He failed to create or allow for the creation of documentation. I was not allowed to do my work; as soon as progress was being made he would change direction and I was not allowed to finish what I was doing. No direction was given and it was all very random.

I signed my work contract on the basis of promises, none of which he kept.

I should have left sooner. I loved my work but he made it hell. I lost a lot if hair, could not keep my weight on, would some days go into meetings with trembling hands and absolute dread.

Then there was mr nice guy. He would oscillate. He would remove hope. He would batter me down. And then be nice. I was left wondering why only me. It had to be me then. And when he let me be I would wonder if I had imagined the bad bits or I was overreacting.

Repeated trauma, isolation, I felt trapped. Who would believe me?

I am sorry for my outburst but this is what I am trying to mentally put in its right place. I did not compromise my values and beliefs and professional behaviour beyond letting a person treat me so badly. I let somebody do this to me. I feel respinsible

nope - you are not responsible - this is how insidious bullies on a power trip are. none of this was your doing - its not about you - its about him and his need to exert power - you could have been anyone - unless he is fixated with you and you alone and in that case he needs speaking to.

have you ever asked any other co workers if they felt hte same?
or any ex employees?

he was messing with you for his own kicks. you were not to blame on any level. please understand that.

why not just call and have a chat with police - they will advise based on the circumstances. Yes if you are worried about fall out then speak to them - do mention about the phone calls etc and that you think he was outside your house....this is important.

log it. get some advice on what you could do if you chose to - if the harassment begins again and you think its him then the police can assist - take it up a notch. dont let this idiot think he holds all the cards - thats what he banked on.

best of luck - i think if you get control back you will feel so much better.

mama your description of his behaviour is very familiar to me, cos I'm a long-time poster on the Emotional Abuse Thread in Relationships (this one

Why not have a look at some of the links on the top post? And by all means do post, we are women who have found ourselves married to men like these, and who have escaped, are in the process of trying to do so, or just waking up to the fact their bloke is abusive.