Total and utter crap here - the HM has his bloody suction pads stuck tight on my head. Got up at 1.00 only because i needed to shower, wash hair and teeth etc. Had 2 very long bouts of crying this morning, but not helped much, as they sometimes do. This is day 5 of crapness and I'm scared it will not go away. DP is here to reassure me that it always goes away, but it's hard to believe when things seem so bad. Also I feel bad because I don't have the worry of children or jobs etc that someof you have.
SPC you said you didn't have your own HM but "deep dark grey monotonous place of pointless nothingness" - that's exactly how I feel when the bad days come. You said you only had that for 6 months! Severe depression for 6 months, without any respite?
You also described exactly how I feel when the depression is less severe but "niggling dreary depression, of being in a situation which nothing seemed to change, and in which motivation to do anything had evaporated" I'm blown away that you have put into words something that I experience so often. Think I have both kinds - the 1st one when I wake in the morning on a bad day and then decreasing to the "niggling dready depression etc"
Do you still have ups and downs and if so are they of the 1st description or the 2nd.
I am e mailing those descriptions to a close friend and recently were saying that we couldn't find the right words to express our emotions when depressed.
HB Do you know what the trigger was for what you call your "nervous breakdown" which I think means depression and anxiety doesn't it. You certainly have had some rough times in your life, but one sentence ju,ped out at me "I wasn't good enough for my mother" and that I think says a lot. We all need unconditional love from our parents and without it we can't function well in adult life. I was fortunate enough to have loving parents but i know so many people who didn't and adult life is a struggle, manifested in a variety of ways.
BF loved the little poem and am sending that to my friend too. I will show DP when he's back cus he is so loving and supportive in ways I would never have thought possible of him, as he is by no means "laid back" and in the 40 years we've been together there have been some very bad times, but he's showing me a side of himself that I haven't seen so often over the years.
Vicar Are you taking the meds........it's just I wondered because you said you thought they were causing the bad dreams. I think sometimes we think it's the meds causing scarey thoughts etc when it is the illness rather than the meds, if that makes sense.
None of us should feel bad about coming on here and being honest about how we feel - that's what it's all about isn't it - to talk to strangers and reach out to them at times when we feel able to do so. Those dreams sound horrid, but glad to see you are feeling better today. I know that job thing is hanging over your head. Did you once say you could manage on one wage, if so, why not do that as I think the police thing is going to make you feel worse. Don't know where you arein the country but jobs are very scarce these days as i'm sure you know. Did you see the paper where 1700 people had applied for 8 jobs at Costa Coffe...............!!
Not sure that woman at the stables is doing much for your self esteem and maybe it's time to part company with her. Sorry I know you said something about having proper lessons a while ago but I can't remember.
Ah well it's now 2.30 so a big chunk of the day gone.
Love to all..........NNx