Waiting for the crisis team - support needed.

[Fluffydressinggown]

I have posted on the sertraline thread but wanted to post elsewhere.

I have been feeling increasingly unwell over the past few weeks and my self harm has increased. In the past week I have started to see signs from God that I should kill myself. I know that these are irrational thoughts but I am finding it hard not to believe them.

I saw my psychologist today and I was very upset because I feel so confused. I know what the signs are telling me but I am so scared. I don't know what the right thing to do is.

After I saw him I sat in my car for an hour outside the CMHT office, I couldn't move or do anything I just felt so stuck. The songs on the radio were giving me signs and I know that I have to hurt myself properly but I am so scared.

I went back inside and spoke to him again. He rang the crisis team and said that he had told them that while I am normally very high risk at the most they felt I was at a significant risk of harm that could only be managed in hospital.

They are coming out at 8pm to assess me for an admission.

I am so scared. I have been IP twice in the past six months. I feel like such a failure. I know I am seeing connections that aren't there, and my psychologist said that I am delusional but I can't shake it.

I am scared of an admission, scared of being at home and killing myself tonight. Scared. :(

I am not a bad person but all of these signs are showing me that I am.

Take care fluffy

I have talked to the staff about my feelings. I am worried about everything I guess. Not managed to get through a week yet without attempting but it has reduced which is good.

We have also adopted a cat :) DH is off work for the next few weeks and as they are looking at discharge we felt the time was right, she is a beautiful 3 year old girl from the RSPCA. Hopefully will give me something positive to hold on to, it seems to have helped in a small way so far.

I am sleeping at home on Sunday for the first time which is a bit scary but the time is right. I have spent quite a bit of time at home this past week, it is nice sitting on my own sofas and watching my own TV and just being with my stuff.

I am worried about the future, worried about the self harm to come, worried about psychosis happening again, worried about being safe but I guess I will deal with that as it comes.

hi fluffy. Wow, a week is good, a long time indeed, comparatively. A friend who has MH issues got a puppy recently, pets can be very good distraction I'm told by her.
Good luck with all your leave, I'll be thinking of you. Try to take things per hour/day if you can, rather than worrying about what might happen.
Big hugs

Well I am at home for the night. Very nervous but ok. I have a sleeping tablet for tonight so that should help. Collecting the cat tomorrow.

What good news fluffy :) Am looking forward to hearing about the cat - I have a black female cat aged 17, she has always been a tremendous comfort.

You are doing just fine Fluffy . So pleased you are home among your own things and views from the house. And your own comfy bed .
I am looking forward to reading about your cat . Animals have amazing power re comfort I think . Sleep deeply and with calm . X

Hi Fluffy I'm also glad you're home for the night, I hope you sleep well and dream of your kitty xxx

Sweet dreams Fluffy. Best of luck with the cat tomorrow.

We have a five year old Tabby who is a joy to have around the place.

excellent news. keep talking. Have followed from the start and posted too (am a name changer) xx

can we see a piccy of the cat when it comes? :)

Took me a while to get to sleep and I was very restless DH said but I did it, I survived the night. Felt a bit wobbly last night.

The cat is here, and she is gorgeous and really really friendly. I have some pictures.
tinypic.com/r/30iyf5j/5

And this is her sitting in my legs as I sat cross legged, they are the famous flowery leggings as well! Not very flattering at that angle but you get the idea. She looks massive but she is just fluffy.
tinypic.com/r/33c3fkk/5

Awww, she is lovely Well done for making it through the night fluffy!

That is one laid back cat :) Glad to have sight of the flowery leggings . One day at a time now fluffy, sending hugs to you and DH.

So glad you are home Fluffy Take your time while recovering .
LUSH cat! What is her name ? She is one gorgeous feline friend . x

I am back at hospital (I was just sleeping at home for the night), feels weird, but ok I guess, hard to explain. Will sleep at home later in the week again.

She is called Maisy and she is currently curled up with DH on the sofa apparently!

Maisy looks adorable Fluffy. Like her name and the fact she knows where to get cuddles . So pleased that you managed night at home .
She will help you as only animals can . Stay strong lovely lady xx

She's beautiful Fluffy.
Big hugs to you beautiful xxx

Hi Fluffy, I've posted on your thread under many name changes now. still keeping up with your life, wishing you well and cheering you on! Maisie looks beautiful. Your flowery leggings gave me a smile. I had my first kiss 20 years ago in a not dissimilar pair. Hope you have a good week!

lovely cat

I couldn't sleep last night and lay in bed and re-read this whole thread. It is a bit overwelhming really. I feel like I am waking up after a really drunken night out, only this is a really chaotic and confused 4 months. I am so embarrassed and scared and worried and all sorts of difficult things. I was properly properly convinced that God wanted me to kill myself. Weird. And I felt so normal, but I really really wasn't!

I think processing it is very hard though, I have lots of mixed feelings right now. I also still have suicidal thoughts and feel very self harmy which is not very managable for me. I am not sure what the future holds really. I know that I am still risky, I am not psychotic but I am still risky. I have not talked so much about my SI on this thread, but it is a huge problem for me, I SI in a significant way and I can't face it but I know I will. I hate hate hate going to A&E and getting stitches and realising I have done things that can't easily be fixed. All scary shit. Not sure what the plan is or how to move forward really.

They are having a meeting about me today so hopefully that will come up with something? I guess this is a new part of my journey, one I maybe have more control over, but still difficult and long.

This is all so negative! On the plus side, I am wearing a nice dress, I have been to the shops and bought a sandwich. Our car is being MOT-ed today so fingers crossed it is not too expensive! DH said the cat got into her food last night and then stole a bread roll from the side, naughty girl!

I was also a bit overwelhmed at how kind people have been on my thread, it has helped enormously having somewhere to go just to get it out. The support has just been amazing! I cannot thank you enough, for just, being there. God this sounds cheesy!

Cheesy is good Fluffy. I like cheese :)

Massive hugs xxx

Big hugs fluffy, you're sounding very insightful at the moment, which is good although it must be tough.

Hey you are doing just fine Fluffy day at a time and all that . it is true. .

Your progress is sound but we can never see it ourselves can we?

I like Maisies attitude .........a thieving cat is an intelligent cat .
My dogs all counter surfed when out of range of my beady eye .

Prompted by your post I reread the thread too, and you come over throughout as a lovely person who has had a v trying time, hopefully things will progress now, but of course these things always take time.

Actually, I came over a little bit emotional reading that post, because I think you might just have turned a corner. I really hope you have. One think that had always struck me is how eloquent you have come across in your posts. I knew someone else like that online who went on to write an amazing book!