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Original poster

Driving away

999 replies

Pumble · 28/12/2012 00:52

I don't know where to post this and don't know what to do. I'm sitting here crying again with my 5 week old dd2 and just know that the best thing I could do for both of my girls is to get in the car and drive. If dd2 ever goes to sleep that is what I must do. I won't be leaving them alone and it will break my heart but it's what will be best for them. They deserve so much better than the useless failure of a mother they have.

I don't know why I'm posting this. I guess to feel less alone

OP posts:
magimedi88 · 05/01/2013 19:34
  • IN your day - obv.
Original poster
Pumble · 05/01/2013 22:24

Found today a struggle and ended up sitting on the sofa holding dd2 this evening with tears streaming down my face. I keep trying to think back to yesterday to keep me going but unfortunately at the moment that's quite a struggle. The feelings of failure are stronger than ever. Hmm

OP posts:
magimedi88 · 05/01/2013 22:34

You are not a failure.

You just need some help - in the form of a wee bit of medication.

If you had a broken arm I am sure you'd go & get it set.

You have a bit of a chemical imbalance in your head at the moment.

It can be sorted, but you just have to take another little step.

And we'll be with you every step of the way.

(( hug ))

MrsHelsBels74 · 05/01/2013 22:39

Have you thought any more about speaking to your GP?

TiddlyOmPomPom · 05/01/2013 22:52

Oh Pumble, really, you're not a failure, you're really not.

Your girls won't remember any of this you know, it will pass, but you do need help - you can't do it on your own.
Can you try to explain what it is that is stopping you from going to the doctor? Are you scared they won't listen to you, or do you not trust your GP enough to discuss it with them?

Really hope you feel better tomorrow, xx.

NotYouNaanBread · 05/01/2013 22:54

You're not a failure, you're a wonderful and loving mother who is having a hard time at the moment.

My first DD cried ceaselessly (or so it seemed at the time) for the first 3 months of her life because she had colic. It was awful beyond words and the constant exhaustion made everything seem a hundred times worse - if there is even a whiff of post natal depression in there too, it becomes unbearable.

If you're embarrassed to take the step from talking on here to calling your HV, maybe an anonymous chat on the phone would help? Bridge the gap a bit? I had never called a helpline in my life until I was dealing with a screaming, cluster-feeding 5 week old at 2am, but I'm really glad I did. I spoke to the kindest, nicest women (I called more than once!) and they were so unjudging, gentle and reassuring.

NCT Postnatal Helpline: 0300 330 00773

Try to give them a call next time the baby is asleep - it can't hurt to talk for a few minutes.

SomeKindOfDeliciousBiscuit · 05/01/2013 22:58

I haven't read everything closely but your posts talk about you holding your babies, the affection between you.

You are CLEARLY a good mother. It comes naturally to you, even if you don't feel it.

Don't worry about traumatising your children. It's better to cry than hide your emotions - they could tell something was wrong. If you can manage it, you can model what to do in this situation for them. If you were looking after someone who felt like you do, what advice would you give them?

Your GP might be able to refer you for counselling and provide mild ADs. They work brilliantly for some people. If they don't work for you then you don't have to keep taking them. It's certainly an option worth considering as once this despair lifts you'll be able to think and feel so much more clearly.

Good luck to you. I have had depression and it felt like I lived under metres of tar. You're doing so well to keep going and keep talking.

Sunnywithshowers · 05/01/2013 22:58

Pumble you're not a failure. Keep talking to us - little steps :)

Big hugs xxx

magimedi88 · 06/01/2013 20:07

[waving] Pumble!

We're still here, well, I'm still here.

Thinking of you, lots.

Big hug, lovely, big hug.

LittleBearPad · 06/01/2013 20:17

Big hug. It will get better but you should see your GP, tomorrow if possible.

No one will take your girls away. You clearly love them a great deal and are a good mother. You just need some support and it may well be that some ADs will help you feel more yourself. They did me when I wanted to get in my car and keep on driving when DD was very new. It's horrible to feel like this but it's not unusual, you've done nothing wrong and you will feel better soon. But you need to tell someone in RL and ask thm for help.

We'll be here if you need to talk.

Original poster
Pumble · 06/01/2013 21:10

Thanks for still being here - it amazes me that you are!

DH has been amazing this weekend and let me have a lie in both yesterday and today whilst he got up and did breakfast with dd1. I repay him by getting grumpy with him and snapping at little things. I get the feeling he knows that something is really not right and he really is trying but I still don't quite want to open up to him which is ridiculous given how supportive he is and how much he is trying.

I'm terrified about dh being at work again tomorrow but one step at a time... It turns out that being a perfectionist isn't the best move at the moment!!!!

I have my 6 week check with the gp on thursday - I can't imagine saying anything at the moment but I suppose I have four days to think about it...

OP posts:
Sunnywithshowers · 06/01/2013 21:19

Hello again lovely

I've found it difficult to open up in the past about my depression and anxiety. Try not to worry about Thursday just yet - it's a few days away.

CatPussRoastingOnAnOpenFire · 06/01/2013 21:22

ive suggested it before, why not print out this thread. Let the GP read it. Truly, no one will judge you.

crookedcrock · 06/01/2013 21:26

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

everlong · 06/01/2013 21:28

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quietbatperson · 06/01/2013 21:30

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Original poster
Pumble · 06/01/2013 21:44

The HV mentioned PTSD as a result of dd2's birth (more in conversation than anything else) but after mentioning it, I haven't heard from her since. I remember from dd1 that the HV's around me are generally as useful as a chocolate teapot!

I am considering printing out the thread catpuss. I do take all the supportive advice you are all giving me on board - even if it doesn't seem like it, I promise.

OP posts:
CatPussRoastingOnAnOpenFire · 06/01/2013 21:55

I know. Smile If HV mentioned it, its obviously something she considers you might possibly be at risk of. Just remember you don't have to suffer in silence. {{hug}}

magimedi88 · 06/01/2013 23:07

We will be here for you for as long as you need us - believe that, Pumble.

I do think that taking this thread (or some of it) to the GP on Thursday would be a good thing.

If I were closer to you I'd come with you to the GP, to hold your hand & tell you that the GP will have come across your problem once or twice before in her/his career.

Sending you hugs - and we won't go away!!

MrsHelsBels74 · 07/01/2013 03:07

DH has also been great to me this weekend, I've had a haircut (me time!) plus a really long lie in & it still isn't enough Hmm. He's back at work tomorrow since before Christmas and I'm dreading it too. If you want you can PM me your mobile number & we can swap supportive texts?

I'm probably waffling on, I don't make too much sense at the best of times let alone half asleep!

MammaTJ · 07/01/2013 03:16

YEs, to printing out the thread, it may be useful if you can't actually find the strength to say the words.

AlienananaReflux · 07/01/2013 03:44

Just want to add my support love. So so many of us have been where you are, and are looking back, you can get over this.

Your DH would be relieved if you spoke to him you know, bet he's worried about you.

Keep posting, there's always someone around here to talk to.

Original poster
Pumble · 07/01/2013 05:37

Sitting here with tears streaming down my face. Dd2 hasn't slept all night and won't stop crying or settle. I can't do anything. I'm back to square one and planning on leaving when dh gets back. There's no point going to the gp, leaving is the only right thing for my girls.

OP posts:
Sunnywithshowers · 07/01/2013 05:41

Pumble, leaving isn't the right thing for your girls. It's not even the right thing for you.

I'm not surprised that you're absolutely exhausted and at the end of your last nerve. Please, please, please talk to your DH about how you're feeling, and please see your GP urgently.

As I said before, the love you have for your DD shines through what you write.

Your DD need their mummy.

You deserve to feel better than this, and running away really won't help the way you're feeling. Please see your GP - just show them what you've just posted. They will totally understand and they can help you feel like yourself again.

Big hugs to you Pumble xxx

Greenkit · 07/01/2013 05:41

Pumble, you owe it to your girls and your Dh and yourself to go to the Dr's and ask for some help. Asking for help isnt a failure, sometimes we all need help. Do not leave, you children and Dh need you and you need them.

I promise things will get better, if you look really hard there is a light at the end of the tunnel, it might be really small at the moment, but it will get better.

Please please make an appointment tomorrow xx I bet 99% of us have been where you are now.

Keep talking and posting