Borderline Personality Disorder

[frillynat81]

Hi there...

Just thought I'd start a new thread to see if there are any mumsnetters with BPD who'd like to come chat, share how they're feeling, coping techniques, experiences etc.

x

I find it hard to get attached to people nowadays. I mean of course I adore my family and existing friends that I've had for years but when I met new people I find it so hard to make connections and stuff. I mean, the guy I've been seeing, i like him and stuff but i don't feel as close to him as I should be if that makes sense??? I feel sorry for him in a way because I think he likes me way more than I like him.

illustrated how are you? are you feeling any better?

unicorn i hope you don't mind me asking but are you male or female? i noticed you talking about the 'married woman'. Only asking because of the whole BPD being predominantly a 'women's illness'.

frilly - I don't mind at all. im female and the woman thing was new for me.

I guess I met her and decided she was perfect. she told me she loved me but couldn't leave her marriage and had never been attracted to another woman either. Eventually I resented it so I havent seen her for ages and I think thats best

that's so sad unicorn but i guess these things happen huh?

I'm feeling very anxious today, very irriatated, can't sit still and have been doing the foot shaking thing practically all day. Roll on the day of this assessment!

Frillynat I feel the same way about making connections with people. I've completely isolated myself from everyone, I'm so lonely but I know making new friends is just impossible for me, I long for a few of my old friends from childhood.

I'm still no better. DP told me today he has no respect for me. I don't even care anymore, probably because its what I already suspected. I feel all numb right now, I locked myself away in the bedroom today and just lay there.

illustrated you are so young to be sounding like you have gave up! why don't you try using Facebook, Friends Re-united etc. to try to track down these old friends?

Also, it sounds as though this partner of yours is making you a lot worse and you'd be a lot better just you and your wee girl. Do you have no family you can turn to? If it was me I would maybe consider a visit to the CAB to see what benefits you'd be entitled to if you were a single parent.

Have you had a look on here for house shares? Or on the internet? Just to get rough ideas of how much rent you would need to pay?

I'm sorry but I'm pretty crappy at advice but I know that I'm a good listener if you ever need an ear so feel free to PM xx

Hi frilly just to answer your question, I only see at the most two in a week and that would be one night each.
I'm actually amazed at how much stuff I get done nowadays!

What it is to be popular maggie!

I've noticed that the thread has been so quiet the past week or so, hope everyone is well.

I'm back in touch with my pysch nurse. Felt weird speaking to her yesterday for the first time in ages. Kept running through my head, is she pissed off with me, dissapointed...I was more worried about what she was thinking about me than I was about myself. My head is a mess.

Why would she be pissed off/ disappointed? If I were her I'd be pleased that you had got in touch before you'd really started having trouble coping!

frillynat its really good that you can get in touch before the shit hits the fan, so i'm sure she's neither pissed off nor disappointed!

How is everyone this week?

Ugh, I'm majorly fucked off. Just got shit going on with my dad (he has paranoid schizophrenia) and it's driving me mental. I'm sitting here shaking after a confrontation with him.

I have my initial assessment with the psychiatrist and psychiatric nurse on the 27th after being referred back to mental health services. Feel sick about it if I'm honest.

Sorry guys, just not in a great mood today.

I know how you feel, except I've got (touch wood) what should be positive but it's already stirring things up, I prefer being on an even keel, hate ups nearly as much as downs.

its got very quiet on here. is everyone ok?

Yeah I noticed that too. How are you unicorn?

hi frilly

im ok thanks. in that frustrating place where things aren't good but they aren't bad enough for anyone to sort them out. im just.waiting to see.what happens and it's frustrating!

I went out and got hammered last week and had inappropriate sex with a stranger, who turned out to be much younger than me . Thats a sign things aren't good

How are you?

oh dear unicorn, how much younger are we talking here?!

I'm ok, bit argumentative and moody atm. anxiety problems are bad too ie. dizziness, twitchy, shakes etc. had a few visual hallucinations too.

He was 18 its not terrible because I'm in my twenties but I would never normally go for younger guys. it was bad!

sorry to hear you aren't feeling good, are you seeing the cmht atm?

listen unicorn, i've always fancied trying a toyboy! i got hit on by an 18 year old the last proper night out i had but i'm 32 so it was a no-go.

i had an assessment with a psychiatrist and psychiatric nurse a few weeks back and i'm meeting with the cpn in a few weeks but don't know what will be happening from there. i'm just finding it a very confusing time tbh, a lot of unsettling feelings bubbling away inside me and i just want to try and start to get well again

Well I can report that 18yos are not where its at! bless him he was lovely and v enthusiastic but hadn't really got a clue .

I think I feel quite similar to you atm but I haven't had much luck with cmht because im not that bad. I don't have a cpn and im not sure why.

I hope things start to settle down for you soon

hmmmm sounds as though you're a bit here nor there atm then?! my cpn is lovely, i was lucky to get the same one that i had before i was discharged the first time. i'm not sure if i'm going to be seeing a psychiatrist or not, i'm presuming so as i'm sure my medication needs tweaking a bit.

all over the place is a good description!

I last saw a psychiatrist 3months ago, when she changed my diagnosis from bipolar 2 to BPD. she said that medication isnt the recommended treatment for BPD isnt medication so they won't give me anything except the fluoxetine and mirtazipine I was already taking. im not entirely convinced its working but I'm not sure what else to do. I am only seen 3 monthly by a psychiatrist and I have counselling weekly in term time too. Counselling was really helpful at first but has got stuck in a rut and now I dont have another apt until May.

I see the psych next friday and im not really sure what to say. What do you think?

well just tell them how you feel and the things that you've been getting up to if they are concerning you? i always write things down if i'm finding them hard to get your head round things or that. it's always best to make the most of your appointments. can you remember any days where you felt particularly low, high, moody, angry, anxious etc? have you indulged in any impulsive behaviours (well, yes!!!). anything you can think of, write down and at least it's there if you want to discuss it.

god, i bet i sound daft lol

course you don't thats really helpful! sometimes I think that I don't make the most of my appts

I also worry that they think I'm not taking it seriously. Like she said stop drinking because it doesnt help and largely I have, but I can very quickly end up on a bender whereby im horrendously drunk and having sex with someone I shouldn't. Or ive spent money I don't have on crap or ive eaten 6 massive blocks of chocolate or ive hurt myself.... the list is endless but if I have controlled myself except.for a few days in 3 months obviously most of my appt is dealong with why I couldnt do it the rest.of the time. it must make her think shes wasting her time surely?

no it isn't wasting her time as it is her job to support you to the best of her ability and if she felt there was no more she could do for you, you'd be discharged. just tell her how you feel and be honest. say it how it is.

was it your current doctor that spoke to you about bpd and medication? I take 4 different meds and I'm a total nightmare without them.

it really does show you though how messed up bpd has made our lives. it's sad

my symptoms lately have been snappy and argumentative, moody, binge eating, overspending, sending inappropriate text messages to other men, frequent bursts of foul language/rage type outbursts etc.

mine have been quite similar recently and really.unable.to settle and concentrate. like I always have to be moving. I suppose because I am prone to doing reckless things and can be unnaturally happy thats where the bipolar thing came from. Having read about BPD im sure.the psychiatrist is right as many of my moods, while they might be intense, last.hours to days.rather than days to weeks. That said im not entirely convince that.there isn't some kind of mood disorder there too... but I cant understand it so diagnosing myself is useless!

I am a bloody nightmare with my medication . I do occasionally become paranoid and decide that theres a conspiracy going on and the ADs are what makes me ill. I stop taking them and eventually become this irrational ball of rage and despair. I hate everyone and am convinced that they secretly hate me too and that I have no real friends. if anyone sticks their head above the.parapet I am a real bitch. then it just goes (or someone manages to guilt me back on ADs) and when people tell me what im like i know its true but it doesnt seem like me.

My current doctor said that she was sorry to tell me.that noone really knows.how to treat BPD but therapy.seemed to work better than medication. I really hope she changes her mind because things arent working but I have no idea what I want her to do. I think id get much further if I saw someone a bit more . regularly than 4 times a year.

I would ask for.a second opinion but they sent me.to see the hospital psychiatrist before and they decided I needed sedating on a daily basis! I wrote a stroppy letter discharging myself and don't want to go back there.

I think I've waffled...