Wish I wasn't still here

[GracieLoo]

sat here, just cut my legs, got urges to do my arm as that's where i get the most release but I'm bridesmaid soon so aware my arms will be on show.

Struggling for so long but I'm messing things up and this is the only place I can admit I have forgotten my meds a bit, kind of on purpose but I don't know why, taken it today though and the dizziness and brain zaps quickly go. Saw sw today and cried the while time saying it's always so up and down and still having suicidal thoughts. Wish I could just do it. There's nothing professionals can do though, it's all my fault and I've got to get through this myself. I don't think I will, I think I will end up dead.

I had an ok week last month, but it was such a rarity. Fed up of this, fed up of meds and not coping and being a bad mum. My minds racing and I can't keep up.

My childhood wasn't too bad, except my dad killed himself when I was 10. I can't remember a time when I wasn't anxious or unhappy though. Looking at old diarys I seem quite messed up and I never felt 'normal'. Being older, I've had relationships but they've never worked out. The longest term bf who I lived with treated me badly and cheated on me.

Oh GracieLoo
Were the diaries from after you were 10 years old?
I dont mean to pry.
Personally,my memories of childhood are just snapshots really. I cant remember much before I was 11,and even then nowhere near as much as other people.
You may have been happy or not anxious before your dad died.
Is your mum alive still?
Obviously dont answer any of this if you dont want to.
[hugs]

Hope you have a good week.

I don't mind answering stuff, just find it hard. My mum is still alive. I have a good memory and remember a lot of my childhood. The diarys are from before and after.

Feeling horrible this eve, lonely and dead inside. Got feeling of dread, that something's going to happen. And still haven't managed to speak to sw so feeling paranoid she doesn't like me and won't help me anymore. I feel I'm giving up the fight a bit, don't know how long people can be like this.

Never answer me if you dont want to. I shall not be offended .
I dont want to make things any more difficult for you.
may be time for us to go to bed now.
Tomorrow is another day.
Speak to you tomorrow GracieLoo.

Meant to say I am glad your mum is still alive.

Does she get anxious like you?

Of course my daughter makes me happy, funny things she does, but makes me sad too, when I know I should be enjoying her loads more. She was away with her dad all weekend and I was looking forward to seeing her, but then she was tired and grumpy and I feel anger towards her dad for loads of stuff, which sets off my anxiety and so it goes on..

When I get really bad all I can think of is hurting myself or ways out, and anything else is too hard to do. I wouldn't be able to write, or it would make me worse. I sometimes exercise, but not regularly enough, due to finding time and motivation.

I don't want people to care, I don't feel I'm worth it. I just get confused in my head and sometimes need people to advise or support in some way, I do feel I burden people though. Given up on contacting sw, she's never there. I know there are people more ill and in need, sometimes I wish I wasn't so good at hiding it, or ashamed about my thoughts/actions. On verge of crying now, so going to try to sleep before I start and can't stop.

Have a sleep Gracie
You never burden me.
Perhaps try the sw tomorrow.
No need to feel ashamed,I know that is easier said than done for you.

Why do you feel anger towards her dad?

Today has been ok with dd, she's been better behaved, but I'm tired, angry and short tempered. Not really with her, just a bit irritatable when I can't cope, but aimed more towards other people when I'm out, and just feel angry inside and I don't know why.

Had a HV visit today, couldn't talk much as LO was there, so was putting on a front, but then feel horrible and scared afterwards that she'll think I'm ok and I'll get less support. But I don't like to say, as they have already labelled me as 'dependent' which I hate.

We all get days of tired,angry and short tempered.

What does the "dependent" bit mean?

I dont know what you are angry about?
Do you feel you want to talk about your dad at all?
Or is that a subject way too hard to talk about.