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Original poster

Wish I wasn't still here

63 replies

GracieLoo · 18/10/2012 21:20

sat here, just cut my legs, got urges to do my arm as that's where i get the most release but I'm bridesmaid soon so aware my arms will be on show.

Struggling for so long but I'm messing things up and this is the only place I can admit I have forgotten my meds a bit, kind of on purpose but I don't know why, taken it today though and the dizziness and brain zaps quickly go. Saw sw today and cried the while time saying it's always so up and down and still having suicidal thoughts. Wish I could just do it. There's nothing professionals can do though, it's all my fault and I've got to get through this myself. I don't think I will, I think I will end up dead.

I had an ok week last month, but it was such a rarity. Fed up of this, fed up of meds and not coping and being a bad mum. My minds racing and I can't keep up.

OP posts:
AlreadyScone · 21/10/2012 17:30

What's happening today Gracie?

Original poster
GracieLoo · 21/10/2012 18:26

I didn't go back, couldn't face it. Spent most of today in bed as legs felt a bit wobbly and felt sick. Dd is now back so it's back to normal, work tomorrow, trying to be a mum. Can't believe my life is like this. Still angry with the nurse last night, and now worried if GP and sw find out, what they're going to say.

OP posts:
amillionyears · 21/10/2012 20:06

I think your GP and sw are very aware of what you are like,so dont need to be worried about that imo.
In your first post you said you had an ok week last month.
Can you tell us a bit about it if that is ok.

Original poster
GracieLoo · 21/10/2012 20:35

I don't know, I just felt I was coping a bit better. So anxious about work tomorrow, panic about getting up early, rushing around, being late, and not coping with the long day and stress of the job. Feeling very on edge, made a hot choc and got tv on but it's not working, want to run away.

OP posts:
AlreadyScone · 22/10/2012 16:46

How's today going?

amillionyears · 22/10/2012 17:02

Sorry GracieLoo, I missed that you replied to my post last night.
Hope today is turning out better than you feared.

Original poster
GracieLoo · 22/10/2012 19:37

Work was ok, just normal work. Stomach doesn't feel great, might be paranoid it's to do with the meds. Got a GP appt wed that was already booked, and sw thurs, but I'm scared of seeing them. They're going to be so annoyed and disappointed. Won't be surprised if they want to give up helping, wouldn't blame them, 4 od's is just stupid and I'm not worth it.

OP posts:
amillionyears · 22/10/2012 19:46

Yes you are worth it. Many people know you are worth it.
You had a good week last month. I know that is not much, but it is a small step in the right direction Smile

moggiek · 23/10/2012 22:17

Hi Gracie. How are you today?

Original poster
GracieLoo · 24/10/2012 11:27

Sat waiting to see GP, trying hard not to cry as waiting room is busy. Don't want him to be annoyed but he will be, I can't do this anymore. Not feeling good at all but I can't expect them to help me when I've messed the meds up a bit. Want to try hard to do it all properly but when I forget one, or od, it happens when I'm not thinking straight but not sure they understand that.

OP posts:
Upwardandonward · 24/10/2012 11:50

Good luck Gracie.

keekeeblue · 24/10/2012 13:04

Hi Gracie, how did you get on at GP? It sounds like they should be doing more for you. Hope you can get meds sorted out. When I first get up in the morning I leave a glass of water on kitchen work top so I know that I have to take meds. If it is still there lunchtime I know I've forgotten. Might be worth a try Smile.

Hope you are OK and don't forget that your DD loves you just for you, it's unconditional as is your love is for her.

Original poster
GracieLoo · 25/10/2012 11:13

Am so angry, went for appt with sw. I wrote down 10.30 in my diary in front of her last week. I got there and waited for 20 mins then she came down and said our appt was at 12.30. I wouldn't have agreed to that as that's when I pick dd up. Couldn't fit me in any other time for a couple of wks. I feel let down but maybe I don't it wrong, but she knows I need support. I give up with all this crap, I can't deal with anything.

OP posts:
Original poster
GracieLoo · 25/10/2012 11:15

Meant maybe I did get it wrong, but now I'm left with all these thoughts and it's getting to me badly

OP posts:
chinley · 25/10/2012 11:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

amillionyears · 25/10/2012 11:48

Can you see a different one at a different time?
know it wouldnt be quite the same

Original poster
GracieLoo · 25/10/2012 11:53

I don't care anymore, she didn't suggest it and I feel like giving up with the cmht. They're never there when I need to speak to someone, they've really messed me around the last few months, especially in the day hospital. I give up. Feel like crashing my car, hurting myself or something. Feel useless and stupid, the way they look at me. Got to try to be a good mum this afternoon, but I'm crumbling inside. Want to die but I can't because dd needs me.

OP posts:
weegiemum · 25/10/2012 12:08

Gracie, I really feel for you. I've had mh problems all my adult life, and in the end the only thing that helped was psychology. I'm now (at 41) off medication for the first time since I was 19 and life is good (even though I've got a physical disability now).
Please hold on until your assessment. It's worth it. I've had to accept that for my 3 dc, I'm a better mum to them sick than anyone else would be well.
I know how it feels to be stuck down that awful black hole. I too have had 3 overdoses, the last one ended up with me in intensive care. But there is hope. I know you can't see it now. But there is a future.

Original poster
GracieLoo · 25/10/2012 15:06

Sw has tried ringing twice but I don't want to talk to her now. She knows I said to the receptionist this has happened before and blaming sw and not myself. I don't give a s**t anymore.

OP posts:
amillionyears · 25/10/2012 15:23

Mistakes happen. They may have made the mistake.
Sounds like they are trying to put it right.
Deep down,I think you want to live,and want things to work out ok.
For now,they are the nearest thing to help you have got.
Ring them Gracie!

Mountgarret · 25/10/2012 19:46

Gracie if you need to talk to completely unbiased person have you tried ringing the Samaritans? It could help just to talk in real time. They really do care. x

Original poster
GracieLoo · 25/10/2012 20:26

I tried ringing but she was busy, and she didn't call back. Now I can't relax as i'm worried she doesn't want to help me now, and she thinks i'm horrible and difficult. I'm working tomorrow but will try ringing first thing, expect she will be busy again. And to make anxiety worse, dd is away for the whole wkend for the first time. Don't know if i'll cope with all this,

OP posts:
amillionyears · 25/10/2012 20:49

Well done for ringing Gracie,well done.
She tried to ring you twice,so she does want to help. Cant think why else she would have rung.
I doubt she thinks you are horrid and difficult.
One day at a time,when you feel like you do. So there is nothing else to be done for today.

Original poster
GracieLoo · 25/10/2012 22:28

I need advice! Have I messed up/am I messed up? My head certainly feels it, and I feel I'm messing dd up too. Don't want her being like me.

OP posts:
amillionyears · 25/10/2012 22:34

Have I messed up/am I messed up - what do you mean?
I think you miss some of the pills because your head is sometimes not very clear and then you sometimes forget your pills,like anyone does.
Your Lo is only 3 at present,and from what you have said of her,she sounds happy,and you do your utmost to keep her happy so I dont think there is much of a problem there.
Another poster on here mentioned a psycologist,and I too wonder whether that is the way to go for you.
I have probably been talking to you on MN for about 4 months. I dont remember you mentioning your childhood. I have been wondering what that was like for you.