HELP my binge eating is spiralling out of control

[yumyummymummy]

I have always had a 'bad relationship' with food and over the years have gone through periods of binging. I put on 3 stone with 2 pregnancies just a year apart and then lost it all plus another 1/2 stone took up excercise and got my body to the best shape its probably ever been. Now 2 years on i am about 10lbs maybe more (!) heavier and i am out of control eating on mainly sugary stuff. I am disgusted with myself i just stuff myself till i feel physically ill, all i do is think about food, i have no will power and i feel bloody awful. can anyone relate to to this? I know realistically i am not fat yet but if i carry on like this i will be and my knickers have got tight on me now and most of my wardrobe just looks or feels terrible. What can i do to break this cycle? Can anyone else eat as much as me - i've never met anyone who admitted to it?

Thanks notasheep. I'm still trying to pluck up the courage to go and talk to my gp. She's not a very sympathetic person however, and managed to blame our previous infertility problems on my weight, even though all the problems were actually with my dh!

Notasheep - I was quite interested in what you were saying about underlying emotional reasons and your relationship with your mother. I have had counselling in the past (have low self esteem and think quite negatively about myself) but couldnt really afford to have more counselling just now (funnily enough at the conclusion of both periods of counselling I decided that I really was not that different to anyone else and there wasnt that much wrong really, but always went back to same old head crap after although worried less about doing it)....... Oops Tangent!
I was wondering if it would help to write down all my memories relating to food and how I felt when growing up. I remember bingeing on brewing malt and ovaltine powder when Mum and Dad weren't there, dh says this is a normal thing for a child to do given we mostly all love sweet things. ???
I must have known when to stop eating when full at some point in the past though mustn't I?
Sometimes I think that slimming world is great because of the huge portions you can have (i.e. you dont have to deal with stopping overeating just change to less calorie dense food) but sometimes I think it is unrealistic to expect myself to eat in that way (on sw plan) for the rest of my life. I joined up again 5 weeks ago and am only marginally lighter but I suppose if I hadnt gone I would be well on my way back to fifteen stone now as it was only bfing keeping my weught down slightly.

Littlefish-i dont like the sound of your GP,doesnt sound very helpful to me.
mokola-it was all in my head,pure emotion and so much i have been reading on here(prob 95%) is emotional eating.Look,if i sound smug at all,sorry.It can be quite difficult to write stuff here without sounding like who the F... is she to go sprouting on like that!

Something is eating US and we need to find out what it is and deal with it.As you know mine was my mother/daughter relationship.Until you get to what is eating you your situation will not change.

Yes do write down all your memories on eating,loads of eating is habit-even now i have to eat 3 biscuits at a time!

I do not think weight watchers/slimming world,blah,blah,blah help one bit and all this rubbish about being good.There is a Cambridge Diet thread going at the minute!!!!!!!OMG!

You may also need to cry and cry and cry......

You girls are all being so frank about your eating habits. Havent really spoken much about this before.

Have got a dreadful record with food. Lost two stone on ww four years ago and felt great. Was so worried that i'd put it back on having got to goal that if i ate too much 'bad' food, I'd make myself sick. Got worse over the years and eventually, I'd even buy loads of really fattening food, with the full intention of bringing it back up an hour later. I'd still eat healthily and not throw up, so not a huge amount happened to my weight. I just couldnt seem to do without the sweets/ crisps or the feeling of being able to eat what i wanted.

I went through a phase of getting fit and not being sick for maybe a few months, but have then slipped back to the odd binge/ purge. DH found out got annoyed, and i managed to put a stop to it for a while, although sometimes i just cant help eating loads and then the guilt sinks in and the fear of ballooning.

The problem is that I'm pregnant now and am unable to do anything about my weight gain. I have been too scared to make myself sick, but know that as soon as the baby is born I'll find it hard not to revert back.. I couldnt bear to see a doctor etc about it as it'll seem like I've got mental issues and in my head I still think its something I can sort out myself.

Sorry for gate crashing... it just seems like everyone is being so open and it's nice to be able to get it off my chest.

Hello all (I've changed my name yet again, am very indecisive atm). Been quite a good week, am falling back into snacking, but not had a binge yet. Am trying to avoid my "trigger" - which is being tired, walking up hill on the way home, and going into Home and Bargain which sells biscuits/chocolate very cheaply!

Littlefish - sorry you don't find your GP sympathetic. Is it possible for you to see another one in the same practice? Maybe you would feel more confident if you had a look at something like the eating disorders association website, and got an idea of the correct sort of treatment, so you know what to expect and what to ask for?

Bumpybel - sorry you are struggling with food issues too. Will have a think to see if I can find something more constructive to say!

Notasheep - I mostly agree with your re:SW/WW. The one thing I find is that doing one of these plans can help slightly, in the sense that it makes you more aware of what you are eating, which is a helpful step in changing any bad habit.

(Formerly MTS/TBB)

notasheep - I wasnt thinking that you sounded smug at all, its great that you have been able to move on and make meaningful change with your eating and care of yourself emotionally. I sometimes spend days knowing that I need to cry but not letting myself, would be better to just do it but I somehow avoid doing it. I suppose one of the reasons I was asking was to do whether you thought it would be possible to work through this myself or whether doing it with some support would be easier.
bumpybel - I really ate what I wanted when I was pg (was 15st at start of both pgs) and only ever gained about 21 - 22lbs which was gone within a week of the birth. Not saying that this will be you but goes to show that pg doesnt necessarily pile weight on you. My thinking was that during pregnancy I have enough to deal with without stressing over weight as well, be kind to yourself :-). I know this is easier said than done, well done for talking about something you have kept private for such a long time!

Everyone has different baggage,memories,issues so the way each person deals with this will be different.

I read every single book by Susie Orbach,aside from that i did it myself,i had to grow up,except alot of stuff in my life(which i will never be able to change)and realise that food is just that(not a million emotions to be avoided)

OK-here is an example,I have 1 older sister and 2 older brothers.They all went to excellent Senior schools.My darling Mother says she treats us all the same and i am sent to a rough Comprehensive,bullied,soooooooo unhappy.....
So this decision made by my Mother causes numerous issues,and i EAT to suppress my sadness.

None of us can turn back the clock,we need to deal with today.I am too old to go to a decent senior school now!

CRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Really intersting thread I can relate to, esp. evening bingeing/drinking, BUT have been off work for month now with Postnatal depression, I fought it for ages (first went to GP year ago) but since 'giving in' to it not only am I getting support I've desperately needed but noticed my bingeing has stoppped. Just thought I'd mention in case anyone else might have a similar problem buried under the bingeing. I've lost 9lb without trying, just don't feel the need to eat though trying to eat 3 sensible meals a day. Know it's mreally hard but if any of you think there's an underlying problem tey to confront it head on, I've made myself really ill (and fat!) by 'coping' . I know I could binge again, it's part of me, but in future hopefully i'ss see it as a symptom before it gets too bad.

Not a sheep... hope you're ok... food is a huge comfort factor. I think I eat because its something I can have control over (or not as the case may be!) If I'm on my own, I think 'I can eat what I want and no one can stop me'. Maybe you've got a similar thing with being able to control feeling sad by eating tasty things. Cadburys have got sooo much to answer for!

Italian job and Mokola... thanks for reassurance. It's quite a relief to be able to get it on paper/ screen! After I'd typed it I panicked and thought.. 'oh my god... its there and i cant rub it out!'

Saw midwife yesterday and she said if i am concerned about taking on too much sugar, she can do a sugary type test. I have put on nearly two stone so far (thirteen weeks to go). DH and I are both really tall though, so expecting a big old bruiser of a baby anyway!

Only bad stuff eaten today.. one creme egg... have left the other two in the fridge... That's the test.. how long will they last!

Ditto about pregancy not necessrily making you fat(ter). I was over 15st when I got preganant - put on about 35lbs and lost it all within 4 weeks of the birth. However during the period after the birth I had pnd and we moved abroad for a while. I felt very unhappy and put on 2.5 stone.

During Pregnancy I was particularly chilled out about food and I did not pig out on lots of junk - well not until the last month anyway.

bumpybel-that was in the past! i have recovered now and here to help and support everyone

I only put on about a stone when I was pregnant, and like lazycow, lost it within a month.

For the first time in my life I was eating properly and in fact, my midwife told me I should be eating more! I asked her if she would write that on headed paper so I could frame it!

My eating returned to it's normal terrible patterns when I was on maternity leave after dd was born. Being at home, surrounded by food was a disaster!

I'm back at work part time now, and still find the days I'm at home really difficult food-wise.

The other thing which happens (apart from overeating) is that I end up having a big freakout over whatever and then I cry because I feel so guilty, crap and worthless for whatever crappy behaviour I have exhibited during the freakout. Wish it was easier to cry without having to get angry and worked up first. Do some people deliberately cry (think about something horrible or sad to get going) because they know they need a good cry for their own good? Seems a bit premeditated to do it that way but I really worry about how my freakouts affect dh and my 2 ds's so if it helped I might do it.
You know we bought a slam man (lighty up plastic man you punch)to help me get rid of anger and it still isnt set up yet (need more dry sand to put in the base)lol.
I'm feeling really tempted to not go back to SW tommorow but dh will think I am just copping out and reverting to eating crap (he is losing weight on SW plan at present to get into stormtrooper outfit - obsessed with Star Wars). I have read the Susie Orbach on eating book a few years ago and also a very good book by Cherie Martin which thought along similar lines (eat when physically hungry stop when full etc)but never managed to bring about any lasting change (could do it for a week or so). I find asking myself "whats wrong?" can highlight for me whats going on which usually isnt something eating will help (tired, upset etc). Anyway - having an early night tonight to get a bit more sleep!

mokola-we put on fronts,masks,makeup...... and pretend so often when we need to get deep inside our brains.
This all sounds a bit heavy to me,but you know what i mean.
Yes,I do think it may help if you try to cry,you may have become so use to behaving in a certain way that crying is just not the done thing-well,that was what i thought.

Its been a bit quiet here? Dont give yourself a hard time over Easter

I am feeling triumphant notasheep. Not one bit of chocolate has passed my lips this weekend! All the eggs are sitting in the cupboard, waiting for dh to eat them!

Also, really good news is that I offered my dd (16 months) a tiny piece of chocolate (the first she's had), and she tasted it and then spat it out. It seems that only giving her fruit so far has worked really well!

I decided not to go back to sw and bought the Paul Mckenna book and cd instead. So I'm doing "eat when hungry/stop when full and enjoy every mouthful". It definately raises your awareness of when you are overeating or eating not for hunger. So far so good and cut myself some slack over Easter as so what - got to have some egg etc.

Hi Mokola - glad your Easter was good. The Paul McKenna thing sounds good too. How's it going?

Well, I've finally bitten the bullet and phoned up to make an appointment with a counsellor. I know that just dieting simply won't work for me. I need to really work on the emotional side of things or I will have very limited success. I'm waiting for the counsellor to phone me back and make the first appointment.

littlefish-well done you,in my opinion its all about emotions.

Mokola-i think Paul Mckenna is fantastic(served him dinner once and was hypnotised by him but thats for another thread!)
The following your TRUE hunger can have fantastic results.

Thinking of you all.

A girlfriend i stayed with at the weekend said i was the slimmest she had ever seen me-we can be cured!!!

How have you lot been,I am still here you know to offer my words of wisdom

I was woosmummy from way down the bottom of the thread!

Been a long time since I last posted on here.

Its been a strange time - I've relapsed big style and even though I know its not what I want I keep buying and eating crap - at least 2 days a week. I even stopped going to the gym - although I did keep taking woo swimming.

The last two weeks I've got back to gyming 3times a week, but still eating.

I know exactly why I've been doing this - t**t features ex and his family, and letting my failed job search get to me.

How is it that I can be so selfaware yet fail to do the right thing??

Positive thing is that whilst i'm not getting the scales to go down, I am getting fitter and was able to do 25minutes on the crosstrainer when in March I couldn't move it.

Great that you are improving your fitness.

The fact that you are so self aware(been there) means you are on your way in my view,thats one hurdle over in your brain.

Eating will never fix our relationships,get us a good job

know where your at ipod

ah well
Im stone & half overweight
eat really healthily during day vbut oncew kids in bed, I eat EVERYTHING

cos I hate myself
I believe my ex when he says its my fault he had the affair & left
I feel guilty that kids now have part time father

ex-H (well we're actually still married) left for a 2 week exotic holiday yesterday with HER -
had the usual phone call tonight left on answermachine "Hi....just phoning to check you're all OK"

1. didnt phone back (usually does if we're out) - sounded very gabbled as if he as told HER that he wont be phoning - lying to her now
2. as if he cares - hasnt told DS (4) that hes gone on holiday
3. am off to Devon for 1 week with my parents in June and am jealous that hes sunning himself for 2 weeks as a single/cohabiting man no kids

I struggle every night when kids in bed

when I found out from MIL today where he's gone, I was glad cos I would hate to go there so think that IF he came back, I wouldnt hate him for the holiday he took while we were apart

now who's sad - ME
6 mths since he left and am still thinking about IF he came back

similarly to ipod really - fallen off the wagon big style with the food. think it's part of a general relapse into depression - am seeing the psychiatrist on Monday, joy of joys, so suspect will end up upping the Prozac.

sorry it's still so tough Mistress M