to want to die without making anyone sad?

[Emerging]

(namechange) I wanted to post in the thread about supernatural experiences that was here a while ago, but it seems it is now quite old (things move fast in mumsnet!), and also maybe I should post this as it stands because I find myself in an massive dilemna and wanted to kind of reach out to others... both to ground myself, and to share an experience.

This is to do with the inner voice. Not inner ?voices? as in schizophrenia, but that one clear, pure, true voice at the core of your soul that you can only hear when everything else in your mind is silent.

I had a major life event recently (weeks ago) and something switched in my brain that had been building for a long time? to start just listening to that voice and following it. Keeping my mind quiet of all doubts and fears and just communicating quietly and honestly with that one small voice.

I quite quickly reached a point of what I can only describe as absolute stillness and contentment inside, with just my own ?outer? voice, and that small ?inner? voice quietly conversing like two old friends. I felt like I finally understood everything that life was about.

And then I received (days ago) what I can only describe as a gentle ?invitation?, to cross over. It wasn?t said in those words, but I knew the message in my heart, almost telepathically. It was an invitation to die, to step into ?the light?, to leave this world behind and be born into the world of the ?inner voice?, whatever that is. I don?t mean it was asking me to kill myself? I just knew that if I accepted I would die naturally right there and then.

It was the most REAL thing I have ever experienced, and the fear that welled up in me was too great. I wanted to accept so badly, but my life right now feels perfect and I found it so hard to imagine my loved ones coming home to find me dead and all the grief they would have to go through.

I couldn't say yes to the invitation, but I did say I would like to look in the outer world to see if many others are having this kind of experience, and to share my own if not (I also want to ground myself to make sure I'm not crazy), and my inner voice seemed happy with that? so here I am.

This is my experience. Are there others out there? If death really is a transition, then raising awareness of it would make the process (both for the dying and the left behind) so much easier.

I can't describe how torn I felt between really, really wanting to 'step into the light' and see what might be waiting there, and the pain of leaving everyone I loved behind. Not even just my own pain, but imagining their pain at finding me gone... at a time when everyone is so happy. Is it selfish to want to go? Should I talk to my family about it (or will it throw them into confusion?) Am I crazy?

Op i'm going to be blunt.

Everyone on this thread, including people with personal and professional experience of mental illness is concerned about you.

If you had insight into the fact that what
you are saying is concerning you would not be psychotic by definition. The fact toy think this is normal is chilling.

Talking to your family is a start.but you need to get a proper medical assessment. Today. Please. For the same of your baby and your family. If we are all wrong then you will have wasted an afternoon. If we are right the consequence could be at best that it takes longer to put right and at worst that your baby grows up without a mother.

Please listen to us.

Emerging, I am one of the ones who mentioned a similar experience earlier.

It took about a week for me to go from calm thoughts where it all made sense, to full blown psychosis. I thought that all my family were in danger, I thought that I was going to die. It felt like all the films and books I had read/seen were prophecies and that everything was slotting into place. It was really, really frightening. I showered with the shower curtain open because I thought my husband was going to stab me, like in Psycho. I signed up to a numerologist and one of the updates said "there will be sacrifices" and I started thinking in terms of one of my children having to die as a sacrifice. It terrifies me to think where this could have led if I hadn't got treatment when I did.

I refused to take any medication because I would not or could not believe that I was ill. It was only the threat of being sectioned that made me take the drugs. I didn't want to be hospitalised and parted from my children. I took the medication and the intenstive home treatment team kept me out of hospital. I stayed home the whole time and could be near my children. It took a couple of days for my thoughts to slow down and then I slept and slept and slept for days. It has been 9 months now and I am completely well.

I am guessing that you will not believe that you are unwell, I certainly didn't. It is very much a part of the illness to feel this way. Nothing I say will be able to convince you of this I'm sure, but all the people on this thread saying you need to speak to somebody now can't be wrong! Early treatment can prevent things going further to the scary and dangerous place.

Hi Emerging. I hope you are enjoying your day with your family.

I can empathise entirely with your fear of the situation blowing out of your control. I have been in a similar situation myself, albeit slightly different. I had severe depression that triggered instusive thoughts about harming my son. I was terrified about telling anyone as I was terrified someone would take my child away and that my husband would leave me. However, I somehow found the courage to confide in a friend, who made me tell my husband, who in turn took me to A&E. I was put under the care of a crisis team, had a 2 day spell as an inpatient and am now under the care of the community mental health team. My CPN has just this moment left my house.

I am telling you all this because I want to make a point that I believe you need to seriously consider. Your concern about things escalating out of your control is understandable. In the state of mind you appear to be in at the moment (lucid, 'happy' and calm) YOU can largely direct any care HCPs may feel is necessary (for example, when I sought help it was early enough for ME to decide that I wanted some inpatient care - I was in no way forced and it was my decision alone as I felt I needed some time away from my home to gather my thoughts). To this day, my care is jointly decided by me and my HCPs as they trust me to turn to them if things turn bad.

However, if you decide to not talk to your husband, your doctor, midwife, A&E, and simply continue with your denial there is a real risk that your care will be taken out of your hands. You WILL lose control of the situation, thus realising your fear.

Nip this in the bud. YOU can control this, but only if you act NOW. I beg you to seek professional help today. I promise you will not regret it.

Please listen to us.

You want to explore this experience? Raise awareness of it?

Many of us (unfortunately) are very aware of what you are experiencing. That is why we are begging you to seek help. Professional expert help.

You cannot "explore" this experience, really you can't.

Please show this thread to someone you trust.

I've posted on your other thread, Emerging :)

Don't be scared of getting a mental health diagnosis. Life is a lot more straightforward when your usual experience of life - which, as you say, is very happy - doesn't have to argue with inner directives. Much nicer to be living with a healthy inner voice that recognises your happiness!

I agree with others that this inner voice is likely to progress to apparently external perceptions. It can be quite frightening. You may need good, steady RL support even if medicated, so I'm glad you're speaking with your mother and grandmother.

I thought I could explore my delusions, on the basis that they originated in me so had something to 'tell' me about myself, iyswim. I read a lot of Jung. Problematically, though, the mechanism which produces these thoughts/feelings/sights/sounds/smells is the same on that produces dreams. Dream symbolism is pretty random most of the time, with the added complication that half of them are about things you might want to think about one day - preparation for some concrete thinking in the future. I'd say I wasted a lot of effort that year, if not for the fact that I loved reading Jung!

If I were to offer advice, it would be to get yourself to your GP sharpish with as much RL support as you can muster. Don't bother exploring your delusions too much - if you're an artist of any type, however, have a go at allowing them to inspire a different kind of work. You can do this retrospectively; you won't forget them. All the best!

Every single person that has posted has said what you are experiencing is not normal and you should see your GP.

I hope you are rational and take this advice.

I've spoken in more detail to my grandmother. She agrees with the posters that it is very likely something triggered by the birth, and that perhaps it is as a result of becoming more aware of my own mortality as a result of the baby (birth being the polar opposite of death), and the traumatic birth, and is my mind's way of exploring and coming to terms with the idea.

This resonates to a degree, as does the post (I think by garlicnuts) about perhaps a part of the mind exploring and thinking about things for the future and me perceiving this wrongly as a dilemma I'm facing right now.

In these ways I think I can perhaps think of it as something going a bit wrong mentally. Perhaps the feelings/voice are something legitimate that is meant to happen/be experienced, but not at this time in life.

I've asked my grandma to keep an eye on me, and tell my DH (even against my will) if things look like they are starting to change or escalate. I did have some sleep and am feeling somewhat calmer at the moment.

Also, I posted in the spiritual section to try and get another side to the responses, and admittedly have found it surprising that even there there is pretty much a consenus.

However, this thought is troubling me... as I do not intend to do anything actively to end my life in any way, shape, or form, I do wonder what the harm in this particular thought could be though, even if it is a delusion... as if it is a delusion and I accept the invitation, then surely nothing will happen?

Well done for speaking to your grandma, that's a big step forwards.

Now please contact a medical professional as well.

Hope you had a nice family day.

The problem is, it can change rabidly. I know right now it seems wonderful, calm, pleasant, curious maybe. But this invitation will change, and you will still react to it in the way you are doing now. And these things change swiftly.

It took only a few days from me feeling like you do right now to being rushed to hospital to have my stomach pumped on one occasion.

I'm not trying to scare you, just to be blunt. Please. Get some help - don't get to the place where you realize first hand how much harm can be caused.

Nobody can tell you what will happen. My fear though is that the voice you're listening too will have something else to tell you to do then and you will find it hard not to do that.

Death is a part of our lives right enough. But it has it's place. That place is no where near recently delivered mums and newborn babies.

I think you should tell your dh about this now.

The question you're asking is the wrong question, Emerging. It is bringing together two ideas in an erroneous fashion - I think this is called - in philosophy - a category mistake...

You're still saying 'if the invitation is delusional, accepting it won't lead to anything happening will it?' as if the boundary between the thinking and the 'real world' has to be tested.

The notion of testing this boundary is delusional, and it is why, universally, we all still think you need to seek medical advice, and to speak to your husband immediately.

Well done for speaking to your grandma, Emerging. I hope you had a nice day with damily.

You're quite right, none of us are worried about the idea that by "accepting" the invitation you will spontaneously die, because that isn't going to happen.

However, we are worried that your state of mind, currently peaceful, may change.

We are worried that your thoughts will move from pleasant to unpleasant. We are worried that you will stop feeling peaceful. This is what happened to Sir BoobAlot and Mawbroon.

That's why I think we will keep asking you to talk to more people about your experiences.

Damily?? Family

Emerging, I so very pleased for you that you managed to speak to your gran . She sounds like a wise woman.

I do not have personal experience of puerpural or any kind of psychosis, but a little professional experience as a GP.
For me the scary thing about delusional thoughts is how quickly they can change from say perceiving a pleasant 'invitation' to hugely distressing threats or feelings of such intense anxiety that the only possible solution is to remove oneself and ones much loved child from that situation. Most infanticide is committed by mothers in extreme distress and wanting the best for their baby - in a very warped and wrong way of course.

It is the immense speed at which perception of reality can change, that concerns us all here.

Several posters have spoken about the immense hormonal changes that go on with childbirth and very suddenly being A Mother. This is of course the case, but I also think that psychological adjustment is at least as huge: one minute you are 'you' with a bump, the next you are somebody's Mother. It raises all sorts of questions of mortality, responsibility, purpose in life, meaning of life.
Nobody knows, but it is my impression that a combination of these factors in some people trigger post-natal 'shifts' in how they perceive reality. And most of us on this thread feel this might be happening to you. There is a 'spiritual' aspect to it, but that does not make it any less dangerous.

I think it is very dangerous and unwise to diagnose anybody on the internet, but I equally thing you'd be ill advised if we did not keep asking you to seek medical help.
If we are all wrong, you have not lost anything.
If we happen to be right, and you don't go, you could be in great danger.

I am glad to hear that you are feeling calmer - calmness helps you think about your options logically.

I've taken some time to go back to the beginning of this thread and read it through more carefully again.

Firstly, thank you so much to every single poster for all of the heartfelt replies, and I'm so sorry for those of you who have had terrible experiences of your own or who have lost loved ones... I can't tell you how seriously and respectfully I receive these messages.

I've also realised that a lot of things posters have said are things I have been experiencing. I've been 'higher' than usual, actually way higher... like nothing in the world is wrong and everything makes perfect sense. I've gotten more done and been more alert in the past 3 days than I feel I've been in the past month. On one hand, this has felt great... but on the other hand, I'm starting to feel very tired in the background.

However, I suddenly feel I have to be very careful.

I'm beginning to believe that this really is a mental health issue, and faced with the realisation that I actually, seriously could be ill, I'm starting to feel like I'm at the brink of a dramatic drop... as if my whole world is about to come crashing down with that same realisation.

This is extremely scary, and so I am hovering in a bit of a limbo at the moment, and do not want to make any major decisions. I am thinking now about telling my DH I am not feeling well and asking him to take the baby and let me get a good night's sleep, and then broach it gently with him in the morning (he will panic, and I can't handle that right now).

You poor thing. I know it must be hard to worry about your DH panicking but the sooner you tell him the better so he can help you get some help. Please go back and read what other posters have said about early intervention being HELPFUL to allow them some control. You could also ring NHS direct, your out of hours health service or the Samaritans at any point if you don't want to talk to him right now. Are you still under the care of your midwife? You could also talk to the midwifery unit out of hours too...

Emerging, deep breaths, if you're prepared to pm someone we could find out the number of your local pct's support team to telephone. Would that give you any reassurance, they could even explain to your dh for you then. Don't worry about him too much right now he'll be worrying for you but that's perfectly natural.

I'm so glad you've taken things on board, as scary as it seems.

Please don't wait till the morning if you've got this dark sensation hanging on the edge of your mood, tell your husband now.

I think the sooner you can get your dh on board and supporting you the better. Obviously you know him well and know how he will react so telling him in a way that won't freak him out is obviously good! A good night's sleep is always a winner too.
It's really good that you're taking the time to think this through, it must be very scary but there is so much that can be done to help you through this and so many people who will know how to help you.
I really hope you get a good night's sleep. There's should be no shame or embarrassment for how you're feeling, it's all part of life at some points.
Sorry I'm not very coherent, just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you!

Am trying to hold it together (not panic) at the moment, as am still with family and can't have a meltdown here, change in realisation is very hard to deal with, will try and distract myself
DH will be coming very soon

Emerging, I have been struck throughout the thread by how intelligent and perceptive you are.

I think your latest post is a BIG step forward. You are moving towards self-protection.

You will be absolutely safe the moment you confide seriously in your DH and admit that you are worried and wish to seek immediate help. To do that will be to guarantee your safety. To confide in him will be to step away from the brink.

What do you think about showing him this thread? You don't have to say anything. Ask him to read it through calmly and quietly, and not stop until he has finished.

Tell him first that we told him "Whatever you do, Mr Emerging - don't panic!"

It's not easy to sleep well when you are scared. That is why I would consider showing him this thread now, if you can.