Fluffy thread

[fluffydressinggown]

I deleted my last one because there was too much self harm details in it but I would like to have one if that's ok. I just made that OCD thread all about me and I think I might be better in one place?

Quick background.

Lots of self harm.

OCD/borderline personality disorder/medication.

Had a recent long hospital admission.

Have psychologist, CPN, and I am on home treatment from crisis at the moment.

You're welcome I think having mh issues can be quite very lonely when they're being prominent, and when mine are strong I think of other people (I'm going into hospital when there's a bed).
The mumsnet mantra of this too shall pass seems apt, though I know it's easier said than done (!)

I hope you got your bed? :)

Had a review today (well a meeting about me), psychologist feels I need another 3 weeks, but seeing Dr tomorrow to dicuss. I am ok with that I guess. Things are difficult.

Have done LOTS of sewing, everyone is very impressed.

Think a lot about killing myself and I suppose it is about riding that feeling out, hard though you know?

No bed yet, bank hol can't have helped. I hope your discussions with the doctor go well, good that the psychologist thinks it's worthwhile. it must be hard to go over and over those thoughts. Take care

Hope today went ok fluffy, been thinking of you.

Didn't see him after all - there was an issue somewhere else and he was called away.

Woke up this morning with a very sore back, it is an old injury that flares up every now and again so I am in a lot of pain today. It is in my shoulder blade so twisting or reaching hurts.

Feel pretty low still. My cross stitch is coming along nicely though. Everyone says how brilliant it is (I am doing <a class="break-all" href="http://www.google.co.uk/imgres?um=1&hl=en&safe=off&sa=N&biw=1252&bih=550&tbm=isch&tbnid=-5cDr9po6FbLBM:&imgrefurl=www.crossstitchers.co.uk/product.php%3FxProd%3D5102&imgurl=www.crossstitchers.co.uk/shopimages/products/normal/CC74027.jpg&w=400&h=597&ei=uGk-UKO2D4bZtAblwoGQDw&zoom=1&iact=rc&dur=175&sig=106320455189223598676&page=4&tbnh=161&tbnw=106&start=64&ndsp=21&ved=1t:429,r:6,s:64,i:296&tx=47&ty=28" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">this). I have done all of the bits above the alphabet now. But sometimes my patience and neatness just feel like another trap in my head. I just can't relax enough, and for me, patience is not good because I am in danger of waiting to do more damage and not working through not doing it. And I wish I could be messy, because i feel messy.

I feel like I need a good cry and a chat, maybe I will talk to the nurse tonight. At home at the moment, going back in a bit.

It just isn't fair is it? This time last year I was starting a new and exciting job and now I am not even well enough to volunteer.

That's a beautiful cross-stitch fluffy, must take quite some time! I'm sorry to hear about your back and your low mood, not what you need. I hope it's someone good at listening when you get back to the ward. I think life can be very unfair, I think that sometimes too.

Hi fluffy, did you get some leave this weekend?

I thought I posted on this, my internet at the hospital is rubbish!

Had some time at home over the weekend, it was ok. I feel like such a crap crap wife. DH keeps saying 'how do you feel? do you feel better now?' and I don't know what to say to him. I wish I could relax.

Having some strange thoughts, keep thinking about doing horrible things and killing myself or taking a big overdose to see what it does. I know thoughts can't hurt me but still horrid. I feel so normal and then I have these ideas that make so much sense to me.

I hope you got your bed upwardandonward.

No, no bed yet. It is hard to talk about sometimes isn't it, particularly whee people want to hear you're better when you're not. Those thoughts do sound horrible . It takes courage to stick with it when you know it'll take a long time.

Having an ok day today, saw my CPN and psychologist and now eating Skittles as I wait for DH to pick me up!

Spent a lot of time talking about me doing what I percieve to be the 'right' thing but that might not be the best thing for me. Hmm.

Discharge date is 2 weeks yesterday which I am fine with, and going home on home treatment from crisis (apparently CRS were not keen but my Dr and CPN very firmly said that yes I did need it, and no, no I wouldn't ring if I felt like cutting FFS). The person from crisis had never met me!

Feel quite overdosey. I need this not to become inevitable and to tap into why I feel like this.

Glad you're having an ok day . Yes, 'right' doesn't always mean best, sounds like you're thinking a lot of things through. It does seem sensible for you to have support on discharge. Good luck with all your thinking and discharge preparation.