Fluffy thread

[fluffydressinggown]

I deleted my last one because there was too much self harm details in it but I would like to have one if that's ok. I just made that OCD thread all about me and I think I might be better in one place?

Quick background.

Lots of self harm.

OCD/borderline personality disorder/medication.

Had a recent long hospital admission.

Have psychologist, CPN, and I am on home treatment from crisis at the moment.

I am sorry to hear that you are not in a good place. Of course you deserve to be helped and fingers crossed that a good plan is put in place quickly. But lucky you having Waitrose banoffee pie, it is the best! Thinking of you.

bannoffee pie! I am having a crap weekend this weekend, just feel i want to hibernate.

Do you think that sometimes the scaredness is just physical? so the scaredness is there and then you have to find reasons for it? I do that. Just wondered, thinking out loud. This time tomorrow night there will be some resolve, try and concentrate on that, just get through the day the best you can. Make sure you get what you feel you need - you know what that is, you are very rational when you want to be you know - apply that to now.

Let me know how you get on xxxx (sorry, not much help, so tired and a bit plastered).

Woke up at 6 but went back to bed adter an hour and then got up at 8.40 so not too bad! Just waiting to see the doctor now. Really nervous and having strange thoughts . Scared he won't believe me even though my cpn and crs who are great are coming too. Ugh!

Thinking of you fluffy

Went ok, no beds but will get one when one comes up (if that makes sense). Going through the admissions unit again which I am a bit :( about but it makes sense.

I am going to be re-started on mirtazipine 30mg but on admission.

Getting a phone call later about the bed state.

Went to Asda and got some magazines, new PJs, a sponge and some sweets for when I do go in so I have some nice things to cheer me up (does that sound shallow?)

I struggle with the fact that i can go to Asda and do all this but also do some quite destructive self harm this afternoon probably.

Psych was nice and listened to me, also discussed the OCD issues (mostly rituals) I have and he said it has all gone so wrong because I am so stressed. He agreed I was in a vicious cycle, feeling distressed, self harming, feeling more distressed, obsessing and ritualising more which was making me more distressed and self harm.

Bit scared really. Very cross with myself.

That's sensible, not shallow fluffy. I hope a bed comes up for you soon.

Not shallow fluffy, you are not shallow, you are lovely - i have just seen you offereing support on another thread, from where you are, you still manage to find it in yourself to care about another human being!

Soooooooo, have you gone to Asda yet? You are getting yourself some nice things to take with you to the hospital, being kind to yourself, this is good, you deserve the nice things. What about before you go? what could you get yourself to do/read before you go? what about some puzzle books? Gotta love sudoku - crossword, if thats your thing? What magazines do you like to buy? Tell me - i don't much like the mags avail just now - so always interested to hear about what other people read. I also am bookless just now - not good - do you read? I find it hard to concentrate when im very stressed but i love nothing more than getting lost in a really good book. Sorry, im waffling, just trying to think of ways to keep yourself busy while you wait for hospital.

Have to go, take my mother to A&E for sprained ankle - arrghhhh life! Keep updating fluffy x

Oh I went before. At home eating ice cream now and watching Funny Face and feeling sick about my self harm this afternoon. Ho hum.

I bought all of the crap magazines, Take a Break, Heat etc. Easy to read.

I have a kindle so lots of books on there. Last time I was in I read all 7 of the Harry Potter books, have been reading Jane Green recently.

So mixed up. Just keep feeling like I should be able to shake it and I can't.

Oh and I hope your Mum is ok, A&E is not a nice place to be so I hope you are seen very quickly :)

Got a bed, going in at 6 tonight.

that is good news about the bed? I quite like jane green (as chick lit goes shes not so bad) i might give her a go, im so lost for soemthing to read just now.

I think that you feeling that you want to and should be able to shift this is an improvement on how you were before you know, slow progress then, but progress!

My mum had broken her ankle only a hair line fracture, no plaster required but she is THE most stubborn woman you'll ever meet and is refusing crutches :) Our local minor injuries new and shiny and we were seen really quickly so not so bad.

This is good news about the bed, lets hope they can find a medical strategy to help you stop this. You ARE going to stop! I really think you are, you sound so much more resolved to beat this now.

Very best of luck, keep us informed xx

Sorry about your Mum.

I am cacking myself now. Feels very real and very scary :(

Feel like i am taking the bed away from someone who is really poorly.

No, you need that bed, you need to get better - it IS scary, of course it is, but then its a challenge you are going to rise to. Make use of the resources you have at your disposal now and get this thing beat! You ARE really poorly, you don't have to feel like this, you deserve to feel better xx

Good luck fluffy. They wouldn't offer the bed if you didn't need it.

Thank you. My husband is home and i have packed, feels very strange.

I have packed three outfits and two pairs of PJs and all the other rubbish I need ;) Easier than last time because i know what to expect, charging my phone and my Kindle and my laptop.

Having a luxury tea of supernoodles and bannoffee pie.

I have cut this afternoon, I know I can't manage any more. Hard though. I have really enjoyed being at home, and watching the Olympics and driving and being free. Not enjoyed the endless A&E and the sleepless nights and the pain though so swings and roundabouts I guess.

Just wanted to say good luck with your admission. Hope u get all the help you deserve, keep us updated if you can xx

just popping by to say hello and hope you are settling in ok x

I am here and admitted , luckily DH did not cancel the dongle contract so I have the internet which makes everything better. I know on other threads people asked about internet access, well. I have my laptop, I have to charge it in the office but I can have it for as long as the battery lasts. I have a 3 contract dongle so i have unlimited internet and I have my own room so I can sit and pootle away in private (well as private as 15 minute obs allow).

Feel a bit weird tbh, sort of ok, but then not. Its weird. I want to cry but can't you know. Hmm.

Weird coming back when people know me, strange to be remembered. Better though because they get it already so that battle is won which will make my battle (:() less hard.

I cut this afternoon before admission so I know I was not managing even a little bit at home. But home is so nice.

I have my own toilet this time, such luxury.

The doctor was shocked at my SI, said it was the worst she had even seen. She had asked me how many cuts I do a week I said 2-4 which doesn't sound much really, but then she saw them and she understood. I don't go for volume I go for one large cut at a time. It is so depressing, there are a few people here with obvious SI (bangages etc) and actually you can't see mine when I am dressed (I cut my thighs and my ankle), well you can see my burns but they are healed now, so sometimes I feel like I don't really SI. And yet, of all of these people, so obviously unwell, so obviously SI-ing, my SI shocks the doctor, the doctor who works in inpatient mh services and sees a lot of SI. That is quite difficult to process. I still see it as insignificant and i talk about risk and i worry but I have still not tapped into what I am doing. Which is killing myself. I will die if I continue - like i know I will, maybe not now, maybe not next year, but this will kill me. That is fucking scary.

The staff nurse said "you did all that in 6 weeks?" and I was like, apparently yes. And actually I have only really SIed for 9 weeks because of admissions and when I think about it I have done a hell of a lot.

I hope this is not too much information, please tell me if I trigger or upset someone that is not my intention. I wish I could take back my self harm. I wish I wish I wish.

Hi fluffy. Hope you've settled in ok and the ward isn't too full on

Hi.

The ward i pretty hideous tbh, busy and loud :( Ho hum.

Saw the psych today, restarted on mirtazipine, prescribed co-codamol for pain, lorazepam and referred for district nurses for wound issues, agreed a planned discharge date of Tuesday 28th August. And no leave until the weekend.

The no leave bit is so very hard.

I have read Closer from cover to cover, done some sewing, internetted, and started a new book on the experience of women transported to Australia as convicts, so busy day ;)

Had a big huge fat cry. Feel very very fed up and cross. Everyone says how good it is that I came back in and how brave it is but mostly it feels like I am a huge failure who can't cope.

Sorry to hear that fluffy, I hope the atmosphere isn't too unsettling. No leave is difficult enough for anyone, but it must be hard if you're wanting to sh. Thinking of you, take care.

Hi fluffy, im sorry the ward is pant, but then i guess you knew it would be - remember you are there to achieve and objective!

One thing has struck me, im a bit loathe to say it, but im sure you will take it the right way fluffy. Your post when you said how the doctor was shocked by the extent of your SI made me think (as i have thought before when reading your posts) that is that it is some sort of achievement for you, setting you apart? That you can DO that and endure how much it hurts? How did the doctors shock make you feel? I can relate to that i can imagine that is what i would be like if i were in your position? Daft as it may sound, but i i have an unusual career that is (actually a big pile of pants and probably a mistake) but i like that people make a or face when i tell them what i do. Obviously totally completely and utterly different but i crave praise and reaction and wonder if this is what you are doing here. NOT attention seeking, but some sort of self validation? Do you think you could maybe set yourself some personal challenges? something physical? intellectual? something really off the wall that would make you go that you can actually achieve it? I believe you are very determined and that at the moment your determination is focused on self destruct :( If you can focus it on something positive there will be no limits to what you can achieve. Anyway, discard that whole train of thought and tell me if you think its bollocks, it probably is :)

Keep on fighting fluffy

Mostly I feel ashamed when people are shocked. I would rather they weren't tbh. And that never ever ending message in my head tells me that they are lying or exaggerating :(

I have had a funny day, stayed busy. I am determine to finish my cross stitch here! Feel very wibbly wobbly tonight.

I love cross stitch, haven't done one for ages, well, ive never actually finished one I hope you feel more settled soon. x

Quick update, still plodding on, saw my CPN today which was pretty positive.

Some of the paranoia stuff is kicking in :(

We discussed a OCD diagnosis which she thinks will happen, or a diagnosis of obsessive compulsive personality disorder which is slightly different. Basically something obsessive/compulsive related.

Banged my head today as well which is depressing. Feel twitchy twitchy. Trying to distract but what I need to do is talk it out.

Weekend leave tomorrow :)