Fluffy thread

[fluffydressinggown]

I deleted my last one because there was too much self harm details in it but I would like to have one if that's ok. I just made that OCD thread all about me and I think I might be better in one place?

Quick background.

Lots of self harm.

OCD/borderline personality disorder/medication.

Had a recent long hospital admission.

Have psychologist, CPN, and I am on home treatment from crisis at the moment.

Recovery takes time...I'm okish, thanks for asking

Oh Fluffy, it must all be so difficult for you. This is your thread, so write what you want / need to.

Plastics can't stitch it, too much scar tissue and I had done some damage to the skin so it would not hold the stitches. I am so sad that I have done this. I just have to have dressings until it heals.

Saw my CPN today and discussed an admission which I think might happen on Monday, I can't go on like this.

Everyone is so nice to me, so kind, and I can't be nice to me at all.

The nurses in the plastics clinic were so lovely, one of them who saw me last time said she had been thinking about me and I had stayed on her mind.

I am so sad that this is how things are.

I'm sorry to hear how it is for you at the moment fluffy. I hope that you get the right support to fight this, it must be so difficult.

Hi fluffy im afraid i dont have anything of much use to say but just wanted to let you know that like the nurse - there are many us here just willing you on - and wishing you better days.

Re the suggestion that you need to do a bit more each day. There is a bit of CBT which suggests an actiivities log. basically you assume that you really dont 'want' to do anything but you still make a list of activities for each day.

It can be anything like sort out a drawer, go for a walk, watch quiz programme, ring friend, look through books in charity shop, look up three singers on youtube etc etc etc

Then for each activity you give them 2 marks out of ten. 1 mark is for sense of achievement and the other is for enjoyment.

So eg. Achievement Enjoyment

Clear out drawer 4 1

Listen to You Tube 2 3

And then you build that up over days/weeks. It doesnt miraculously make you feel better but it is very useful for giving some structure to time, giving some distraction and also monitoring what helps a little. Some of it is based on 'fake it till you feel' i think really - so at the moment you really dont 'want' or look forward to anything but do it anyway just incase it gives you some respite for a little time - and then you build on that.

Thinking of you.

Fluffy, its good to read your updates, even if you are feeling so pants - i often think about you. Have you ever considered writing a blog, or even a book - you are very articulate and you write well, i always get a sense of how you feel, so it can be hard to read at times :( but i think people in similar positions or those with friends/loved ones in similat positions would benefit greatly from your insight.

Ive just had a thought, now forgive me, or actually give me a slap if you think this is totally inappropriate - but have you thought about getting some tattoos? A more positive way of modifying your body? with the physical side of it hurting (in a good way). I self harmed (slightly) as a teenager and enoyed the rush it gave me. I have a fair few tattoos and i enjoyed having them done, also if you get a tattoo, you might not want to damage it? Just a thought, probably stupid idea but im sure you will take in the spirit its meant.

I do do stuff. I have done loads today for me.

Today I got up showered/hair/make-up, went to plastics, saw my CPN, went to Matalan (realised DH had my card!!), went to Tesco to pick up a prescription, came home, watched Glee, listened to some Adele on YouTube, cut my leg, went to minor injuries for stitches, came home, had a biscuit and now I am watching TV with my husband. I drive so it was easy to get around!

It is just very small stuff that I slot self harm into. I think you are right about the enjoyment, I do it but it feels like nothing, just going through the motions. I normally LOVE shopping and pootling round on my own but these days it just feels like I am going through the motions. I need to find things I enjoy.

Feel frustrated with myself. When will it be enough :(

I have a tattoo, and when I am finished I am planning one. I want it on the side of my thigh and I want the word 'enough' because it symbolises so much about me. I am enough, I have done enough, enough is enough, and I have to accept that there never will be enough.

I kind of want to wait until this is over though, despite being covered in scars I am quite particular about tattoo placement - they have to be super private, the one I have is on my bikini line and my husband and my waxer see it and that is it! I have wanted one on my left thigh/hip for years but after that I will be done I think.

I don't like the pain, not one little bit, that is the worst part tbh.

I keep a diary privately but I don't think I am a blogger. Health care professionals have often said that I give them a great insight into self harm because I am so articulate about it. It is weird I am pretty knowledgeable about myself and my processes but it feels like a textbook. Like I know it but it means nothing.

I feel really trapped by my self harm, I want a break, and the more I self harm the more suicidal I get and the worse it gets. It is like a prison.

ah, thats interesting fluffy, for me, it was always about making it hurt and the feeling of "yes, i took that" which motivated me. Saying that i only ever cut superficially, i think much like many teens who do this.

Do you work? sorry, i dont remember if you said? would you like to? Something else to focus on?

No I don't work.

I am a primary school teacher, I left a job under very negative circumstances in February and then I went on supply for a bit. I am hoping to volunteer in a school from September with a view to supply again.

Thats a positive step fluffy - so you COULD just look at it like you are on your summer holiday break? Make the most of the "holidays"? Plan some stuff to do? something that needs planning? i don't know, some sort of walking mission? plan the route (maybe do a bit of it each day) something that gives you little goals? It will be good for you to get back into the classroom, do you miss it?

You are so positive.

And it sounds so good and I should do it.

And I just cut myself instead.

Ughhhh.

I need to break this cycle.

Well, you know, its easy to sound positive when advising someone else, i bet you give out plenty of good advice on here. It can be good you know fluffy, just think, in september you will be back doing what you love doing and the children will benefit from having you in their class. This is good, really good. And for now, if it were me, it would be enough :)

It is late and i should be in bed.

I have been re-reading some of my ramblings from March/April time and now I am less chaotic but more despondent and strangely my self harm is probably worse now.

Reading through things I constantly, constantly talk (write?) about being scared of rejection from the team for not trying hard enough, for not recovering. And I suppose that is the hardest thing to manage for me, the not recovering bit.

And I can think I am calmer all I want but I am not well, like, I think I have shut down emotionally in many ways because day to day I sort of robot through. But as soon as I talk about it I am hysterical, so scared and so focused and so resigned. I know that I will just carry on. And the more this happens the more suicidal I feel because it is endless. It is utterly utterly endless.

I said to my CPN today "I am really unwell" and she said "yes you are." I wonder when this all happened, when I became so unwell that I need so much help. When back in November I did not even qualify for a referral to secondary mental health services and now, I have 4 appointments a week and the community team who I was told were the service for me think an admission is appropriate.

On the plus side I think there is a more focused plan and I think there is more of an understanding of my specific presentation. There are positives. Lots of positives but I am still so very unsafe and that is hard to manage. But I wonder if this is the right time to break the cycle, when I am in a position to be supported through the massive massive distress stopping will cause. Because I do want to stop, I need to stop, but stopping will be incredibly incredibly hard. Because what do I do with the compulsion, with the obsession with the hideous thoughts that go away when I do it? And these days I don't even fight it so the intrusive thoughts and the compulsion seems less somehow.

This is mega rambly, I just wanted to get it out.

Fluffy, I don't know what to say, it all feels a bit inadequate. You do have great insight into your own emotional state and your actions, I've had the same said about me. Trouble is, it doesn't bloody help a lot of the time does it?

You did loads yesterday (more than I did!)I'm sorry you didn't feel that enjoyment though. It's horrible when that pleasure is drained out of stuff and it feels like nothing else gets through apart from those horrible thoughts and compulsions.

I don't experience the same level and need to harm that you do, but I do know that compulsive, intrusive thought feeling. Can you imagine that the lovely kind nurses you are seeing (and the lovely kind posters here) are going to help you with with the intrusive thoughts as well as stopping cutting, that they will each take some of that burden so you don't hold it all on your own?It helped me a lot. Just a little bit at a time, I was able to give up some of that horribleness and those people took it away from me? I don't know if that will work for you, but it sounds like there is a lot of love and care for you to help you get through this.

Thats a great post MsFanakerPants, i don't know fluffy personally, so do i care? Well, i certainly admire you fluffy and i think people care about people they admire. Of course i care - just trying to quantify it so that its not just words on the screen. We are here for you, holding your hand, if you like, reading, trying to understand.

Think the hospital plan is going ahead, waiting for a bed in admissions unit.

Saw my Mum today which was nice.

I am going to struggle to be safe tonight :( Will ring crisis when DH is in bed, I know the answer is go to bed with DH but I just can't do it. I am so stupid.

Hugs fluffy. I hope you get through as safely as you can, good luck with the admission when/if it goes ahead (waits for beds can seem long).

Fluffy, you know you are not stupid!

Im glad you enjoyed being with your Mum.

If you don't feel safe - what can you do, in advance to make yourself more safe? Anything? remove anything you can hurt yourself with? Tell DH, tell him to remove everything of danger to the car? keep the keys on his person? Go to A&E? Even if you have to stay there until they find a bed for you?

How old are you? if you don't mind me asking?

Don't be scared - you are going to get through this, september isn't so far away - you'll be back in school, you want that, think about it, think about how it will be, what you will do, paint the picture in your mind. Be detailed, concentrate on it, create the story.

I will need to volunteer in September, I am not going to be ready for work by then.

I am not sure what will happen tonight, this has come quite unexpectedly. Ughhh.

You know, it is all well and good saying I am ready to stop SI and then this and then I know that stopping will not in any circumstances happen at home.

They are concerned I have an open wound to interfere with and that I must take anti-biotics for that I am not so I think that will make the bed more urgent (if that makes sense?)

I know it sounds like I am doing all this on purpose for attention but I am not I just feel out of control.

I hope if anyone reads this and is thinking about SI is put off, it is not worth it at all, it is a vile vile problem. I hate myself for what I do, I don't have words for how much I hate myself.

But you will still be doing something productive fluffy, even if you will be unpaid, it will be so good for you.

I certainly don't think you are attention seeking, no one thinks that honey. Just keep posting on here if that helps, i for one will be popping in and out to check on you.

Yes I agree it will be, but I need to break this self harm cycle first and that feels like such a huge huge hurdle. I am just so ashamed that loads of people SI and don't make it so messy and shitty like me, like people stop all the time and I need an admission to stop it :(

Yes, you do - i wish i knew how :( I do however have a strong feeling that you will, you WANT to, that much is clear - you just need to identify the demons i guess before you can defeat them. Bastard things

I need to go to bed but I wanted to get some bits and bobs out.

Saw CRS at home today, she said it sounded like I was trying to justify myself to her, justify that I needed support and help. And I suppose I still am. Even though everyone (and I do mean everyone - CRS, CMHT, A&E) says I need (and deserve) the help I get. I suppose it is the deserving bit I need to wrap my head around, I deserve this much support, I am worth this much support and maybe I need to properly tap into the fact that I need it because of my level and frequency of self harm and distress.

I am scared about facing my emotions when I am admitted, I am scared the admission plan won't happen :( I am just so worried about everything.

I cut my ankle last night :( Worried about next week.

I have a review tomorrow with the community psych, my CPN and CRS. Admission will (hopefully) be organised. I am feeling increasingly strange, having strange thoughts and ideas about self harm which are a bit scary. I have been to see my friend today and been shopping but my thoughts have been unrelenting. Scared about tomorrow I guess. Scared there will be no plan and I will act on my strange thoughts. Will also be put on some medication tomorrow and scared about that.

Sitting watching the Olympics in my PJs and just had Waitrose (v.posh I am a Morrisons girl) bannoffee pie, just trying to calm down.