Fluffy thread

[fluffydressinggown]

I deleted my last one because there was too much self harm details in it but I would like to have one if that's ok. I just made that OCD thread all about me and I think I might be better in one place?

Quick background.

Lots of self harm.

OCD/borderline personality disorder/medication.

Had a recent long hospital admission.

Have psychologist, CPN, and I am on home treatment from crisis at the moment.

Glad you've got leave

yay - you got leave, i hope you have a lovely weekend fluffy x

How's your weekend fluffy? Hope it's going ok.

Leave was ok, had a blip on Friday night though.

I am feeling pretty low today, trying to be positive but it is hard sometimes. I have to accept that my self harm has to stop, because if it doesn't I will always end up back here and that is a hard truth to face :(

Waiting for a bed in the 'treatment' hospital - much much prefer it there so fingers crossed it happens soon!

Sorry you had a bl

Sorry you had a blip fluffy. You are sounding strong, fighting. I hope you get moved soon so you can be more settled. Stick in there!

I suppose I feel like this is a struggle I can't win sometimes :( It sounds dramatic to say this but the reality is that my self harm (as it is) is just not compatible with living - either from a practical POV and from a safety POV. I will not be able to live my life if this continues. And yet.

There was one person in front of me for a bed at the other hospital and she has gone today so I am next which is a huge positive. I feel trapped here, it is noisy and busy and I need calm and quiet really.

Have been asked about a billion times if I want to go on the wii today - NO NO NO.

Sorry for ranting on. I hope you are ok!

I hope the move happens quickly for you - my local hospital only has one ward per geographical area, so it's pretty hectic all the time. I'm ok thanks for asking. It does seem like you've got a tough row to hoe.

Where I live it is units, so I am in the admissions unit now and waiting to go to the next unit. Feels less like a hospital, less clinical.

I feel twitchy tonight, I will speak to staff about it. Hard to believe I have been here a week. Hard to believe I am here at all, this year has been very strange.

Hi fluffy, have you moved yet?

Hi I am still on the assessment unit. Someone has just been brought in actually and she is MAD! (as in angry)

I used a ligature last night so bit fed up really.

I was on 30 min obs but back on 15 today it appears.

Been out for a meal with my husband tonight which was nice.

I sometimes feel ok then other times feel very suicidal. I have a plan and that is so scary . Sometimes I feel like this will only end when I do die.

On the plus side i have shaved my legs twice unsupervised and been safe so that is brilliant :)

I find it hard how up and down I am. I do feel quite suicidal tonight but then feel like shaving was a minor victory.

I hope you are ok!

It is about positive risk management - you have to have the chance to make the right choices, and to be fair - I have. I had the razor for 10 minutes BTW and someone came and checked on me twice (knocked on the door).

And I also ritualise my SI and so cutting with a venus would be so wrong it would not fill any sort of hole so no point.

Fed up today. Bored.

It's good you've got your own room, imagine sharing. Does being in hospital make it feel safer at all? It must be very difficult to deal with.

I have no previously knowledge of your past threads but, i wanted to comment and tell you that i think you are a very strong woman.
I hope life will treat you kinder in the future and you will be able to lead a life that you are content with !

Finally moved today, everyone is being twitchy with me because of ligature risk.

I know I am lucky that they only have private rooms here, much much better. You can get some peace and quiet!

I say I know and understand the risk but mostly I am pretty blah about everything, I think I am drama, so they are dramatic in response. Even though I know this is not really true but I can't make myself believe that I get these responses because what I do (not what I say) is high risk.

Hmm. Nice to be here though (back in my old room!!). One of the staff said they knew I would be back which is a little sad, and she was really sad when she saw my legs. But I guess it is sad, it is a pretty sad situation (there is a song there).

I was writing in my diary the other day and I had a revelation. I feel like my recovery is like the marathon, you know, it takes ages just to get to the starting line and I feel like that is what I have been doing. Working my way towards the starting line.

Seeing my psychologist in an hour, bit nervous because I have not seen him in 3 weeks and he was pretty anti-hospital for me. But we shall see.

Ligature risk is tough - I remember insistence that my neck could be seen at all times. I hope the psychologist goes ok, sounds like some of the ward staff are ok which is good.

Did you get some leave this weekend fluffy?

I did have leave, was ok, felt very low.

Not doing so well. Feel very low really. Saw my CPN today who said if I discharge myself she will have me readmitted on a section and that she felt I would not be ready for discharge on the planned date.

I'm sorry you're feeling very low fluffy, hugs. Sorry about your cpn's news too it must be very frustrating. I hope you at least get a plan for discharge even if they move the date.

I have been chuntering on, have been struggling to keep myself safe here so had some help to do that. Having difficult thoughts about killing myself.

I suppose those thoughts, the unbareableness of exisiting have been there for some time, but my self harm clouds them all out, and I suppose the escalation of my self harm is liked to those thoughts becoming overwelhming. I feel like I have nothing to life for, nothing to exist for. I do things but everything feels so hollow and false.

Had some frank discussions with staff about my feelings.

I have MDT on Tuesday, I am not sure when I will be discharged but I think it will be soon, probably the end of next week. Which is good because home is nice but bad because I feel like shit and feel safer here. I feel like in my therapy in the past few weeks I have really been able to talk and process which I was not doing pre-admission.

I mostly just feel so sad.

Hugs fluffy. It must be so, so difficult.

I'm glad you managed to discuss with staff, they should be able to help better if they know. It's tough to deal with irrespective of that though.

Thank you for your kind replies, you are always so thoughtful.

I am at home for a few hours and inside I feel a mess. I am so scared about everything, I see no hope for the future. I just feel like I am going through the motions. I worry about how I will manage at home again, but then I do want to go home, things feel so hard :(