Fluffy thread

[fluffydressinggown]

I deleted my last one because there was too much self harm details in it but I would like to have one if that's ok. I just made that OCD thread all about me and I think I might be better in one place?

Quick background.

Lots of self harm.

OCD/borderline personality disorder/medication.

Had a recent long hospital admission.

Have psychologist, CPN, and I am on home treatment from crisis at the moment.

Feel really sad about everything tonight. Saw crisis today. Been to A&E today. It is endless. This is endless. I don't know how to keep going (I will). I want to move forward but I can't seem to.

Had a positive meeting with my CPN yesterday, going to have a med review soon and going to do some work on interrupting my thought processes around the self harming. Hospital keeps being mentioned but I want to be at home and the team support this, like hospital is an option but lets keep going at home for now.

Hello Fluffy! I am glad to see that you have started a new thread and that posting here helps you in some way. I have no words of wisdom for you just plenty of hugs and wishes.

Hello Fluffy! I am glad to see that you have started a new thread and that posting here helps you in some way. I have no words of wisdom for you just plenty of hugs and wishes.

Feel so sad today, really tired and fed up.

Oh Fluffy. Bumping for people with wise words.

Oh Fluffy. Bumping for people with wise words.

I'm sorry it's so difficult, fluffy

I feel like there are no more wise words, just, self destruction. I am not looking after myself so well, I am eating crap (haven't eaten a proper meal in weeks), not taking my anti-biotics for my ankle, not really doing much at all. Just doesn't seem important.

So sorry it's so hard and glad you find writing a little bit helpful. No wise words (for once!) but hugs and best wishes. Thinking of you

I went to see my lovely family this morning and then had a visit from crisis this afternoon and then realised that I totally forgot to go to my dentists appointment which was after CRS visited I feel so so guilty. I go to a special dentist service for people scared of dentists and now I am really scared I will be taken off their books. I really need this special service. I hope if I ring them tomorrow and grovel and explain my problems they will give me another appointment. I could do without this. I know I am over-worrying but you know.

My husband is back at work next week so I am unsure about what will happen.

I realised today that since I came home (4 weeks ago) I have bought no food unless my husband has taken me or bought it, I have cooked no meals (I eat lots of bread and pate!), I have been shopping for 'fun' once, I even forgot my best friend's birthday I just feel like I have stopped. I did recovery star in hospital and I wonder how I will score on some aspects now.

I am so sad. So very very sad. And alone.

People keep suggesting things to fill up my life and I know why but I am so meh about it all. Like I know it makes sense and it is all part of the jigsaw for my recovery. But it feels so trite and pointless. I suspect this is depression speaking.

I worry that if I fill up my life so much I will forget about my issues and they will be swept under the carpet again and then I will have another huge crisis. This is irrational.

I am so cross that I can't fix this. So cross that going to the beach and visiting a zoo is seen as the answer even though I know it will help.

I spend so much time worrying but then I can't apply my worry to harm minimisation or risk reduction and that is frustrating. I want a break from everything.

I feel vile, so anxious and worried and weird. This will be a hard week.

I know it doesn't help right now, but you're right in your guess that it's the depression making you feel like this. It is such a difficult vicious circle to climb out of when all the things that are meant to make you feel better just seem too much to face. I hope this week isn't too hard and things start to improve soon.

I feel so sad and so alone. I am so worried that everyone will give up on me.

I saw my psychologist yesterday and I said sometimes I feel like he is smug about things, like when I talk myself round into the root of all my issues (being unable to manage negative emotions). And I didn't mean that, I didn't mean it like that, I was just so frustrated at myself for not being able to do it, to fix it. He said it is because I don't have the skills to fix it and he can help me develop them. And when I said how cross I was with myself for being so rubbish and making no progress and I felt he had given up in recent sessions he said - well you have to give me something - and he is right. I have to move somewhere, I have to make some progress and I am not and then I am scared that everyone will give up because I am so shit.

Had a difficult day today. I was upset about something in minor injuries and I was so rude and then they rang CRS about me and everything feels like it is spiraling and I am upset that I was rude to the minor injuries because they are nice. And I did say something quite, difficult for staff to hear, and everything is a mess. A big huge fucking mess. Oh and to make it even better I missed my whole fucking evening with my husband waiting in fucking A&E because that is where my fucking priorities lie. In my fucking self harm.

So cross.

Keep talking. Keep writing. Just keep getting it out. Tell this board everything, because nobody will judge you. Get angry if you want to, spout as much vitriol about our NHS mental health services and anything else as you want. Because this is a safe place to do it, and getting it out helps.

I hate being advised on nice things to do to fill up my life. Like a nice meal out is really going to be a good idea when you can't keep any food down!!! The only thing, and I mean the only thing, that has made me smile today was talking with my sister about the crapness of some of the counselling we've both had. She told me today that one counsellor told her it might be an idea to "go out for a nice wee drink, just a few cocktails with your pals." This to a deeply depressed 24 year old on strong meds who wisely replied that she didn't think alcohol was the best idea at the moment!! She told the same counsellor she felt manic and signed herself up to get a £300 tattoo but managed to talk herself down. This counsellor said "och, nothing wrong with being a wee bit spontaneous!" Proper shit, but it made us both laugh out loud.

You're not rubbish, love. Depression is. (Hugs)

Aww, Fluffy. How are you today?

They are right that I need to do more, my life has just got so small. It is just hard to see a way out and how to make things better.

I have had a very difficult day again. I am so upset with myself. Seeing my CPN tomorrow but it will be rushed because i have a hospital appointment at 11.45 and I am seeing CPN at 11 but both appointments are really important.

I am super nervous about tomorrow as well :(

What are you nervous about fluffy? I know it's easier said than done, but hang on in there.

I have to see plastics about a cut I did today - just scared about what that means in terms of my self harm and about the practicalities of it all. Like I know what to do at A&E I know what to expect in terms of how they do stitches and now this is more unknown.

The nurse in triage at A&E cried with sadness for me today and that has really upset me. She was so kind and nice and she just said it was just so very sad what is happening with me and then she held my hand and said she just wanted me to get better. And all I could do was apologise for wasting their time :(

I hope that is not too much detail. I am not enjoying this or gloating over it or anything. I am just so very very sad.

Fluffy, nobody thinks you are gloating or enjoying it. The nurse was obviously very touched by how hard things are you and didn't consider you a time waster at all.

Sometimes for me, it was only when somebody else was upset by my distress that I realised just how much I was dealing with. You're still here fluffy, that's super important to everyone reading this, to that nurse and to your husband. Nobody will give up on you, even when you might feel a bit like it. Can you hold onto how kind that nurse was and remember it when you feel so sad? Think about how lovely she was and try to apply some of that loveliness to yourself.

Love to you fluffy.

Thank you for your kind words :)

Everyone is so very nice to me, so why can't I be a little bit nice to myself :(

Thinking of you fluffy, things can be better

X

Keeping you in my thoughts for tomorrow, take care.

Thanks very much :)

I hope you are both well btw! I feel like I am not a good advert for mental health recovery at the moment so it is nice seeing people who seem to be faring better than me.