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Original poster

Suddenly such a vulnerable day

30 replies

madmouse · 15/06/2012 13:09

As I've talked about many times on here I was very badly sexually abused between the ages of 7-11. Raped in different ways, separated emotionally from my parents etc.

It all came to the surface when I had ds (helplessly lying on my back in complicated labour woke it up and opened the floodgates). I've worked hard in therapy and life is generally really good.

And then out of the blue something comes back and I just feel small, alone, lost and wanting to cry. I hate it when that happens. Doing fine at work by smiling lots and being a bit loud but I just want to crawl into a ball.

I'm not sure where this bout has come from. It's just horrible.

OP posts:
Upwardandonward · 15/06/2012 14:19

Oh, madmouse. It is horrible when that happens. Well done you for managing it, do your blips tend to last long?

Showtime · 15/06/2012 16:01

I'm so sorry this has happened, but as Upward says, well done you for managing it. However bad things are now, you know it won't last, however long it might take, and that you're a great deal stronger now than the very young person who had such a bad time. Can you do something nice for yourself I wonder, just to try and feel better until you're well again?

BeckyBendyLegs · 15/06/2012 17:53

Madmouse I echo what everyone else has said. It's been a long time since your last blip, hasn't it? That's something to take comfort in. And as everyone says, this will pass. Make sure you have a relaxing weekend if you can, take good care of yourself and be kind to yourself xx

Toaster24 · 15/06/2012 18:00

How awful. Can you call your therapist or counsellor and ask for an extra session ASAP? Or an over-the-phone session even? I suggest calling them in any case.

orangeflutie · 15/06/2012 18:51

Sorry you're feeling low. Hope you feel a bit brighter now.

Take care x

iwantavuvezela · 15/06/2012 18:53

Hugs to you. I often read and note what a support you are to others ...... Hoping this will pass for you .....

Original poster
madmouse · 15/06/2012 19:00

Thanks everyone for the messages.

Thanks Toaster but I'm finished with therapy now, this is the 'it's part of my life' part. I can't run to a therapist every time this happens.

OP posts:
greentreespurpleflowers · 15/06/2012 19:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

amillionyears · 15/06/2012 19:45

So sorry madmouse.I wasnt aware of your past history.
You are so very helpful to people on this board.
Have you read something on here that has triggered it.
Do you feel vulnerable or attacked in some way.
Might it even be just weather realted?
Hope it all just passes soon Thanks

Original poster
madmouse · 15/06/2012 19:50

I've been thinking amillionyears because often it is because I've been feeling helpless in some way (It's basically one big flashback). But I can't really think of much other than that the person who has been a rock solid support for me over the years when I was struggling is on the other side of the world this week, but I don't lean on them the way I used to so it seems unlikely. There's a few things with ds - waiting to hear if he gets his much desired place in special school in September and he's having botox injections under GA in two weeks. Maybe I shouldn't overthink it and just wait for it to pass.

OP posts:
amillionyears · 15/06/2012 20:06

Sounds like you have more than usual on your plate right now.Life can get on top of all of us from time to time.And anything medical can especially play on the mind.As others have said,I should take it easy for a couple of weeks if you can.
What calms you down.Personally for me,I like the outdoors and sunshine when there is some!
And hugs to your ds.

Original poster
madmouse · 15/06/2012 21:18

Just been for a long walk with the dog after putting ds in bed - the scenery round here is great and it was peaceful and silent as everyone else was watching football. Did a bit of praying, for myself and others.

OP posts:
icannotdothis · 15/06/2012 21:28

just to say my thoughts are with you tonight madmouse you are such a support to me and others on here i hate that you are having a bad time at the moment

flashbacks are a big big part of what is doing me in at the moment so i know how you feel

i would not consider calling it running back to your therapist every time more that you need to additional talk time maybe ??

Original poster
madmouse · 15/06/2012 21:36

I shouldn't have said running back. But I do think the work is done. This is probably like a bereavement - there's something that will always be there.

OP posts:
amillionyears · 15/06/2012 22:27

If you believe in God then you are not alone.
and icannotdothis,glad to see you again.

kizzie · 16/06/2012 15:58

Sorry to read this madmouse. Glad to hear the walk helped a little.
Youve probably seen us discussing mindfulness on other threads - have you thought about maybe trying it. Its use PTSD as well as depression/anxiety. There are lots o websites and boks about it.

Original poster
madmouse · 16/06/2012 16:26

Thanks Kizzie - I do use some mindfulness with panic attacks (now rare). But...Mindfulness is not actually suitable for PTSD - PTSD causes changes in consciousness and perception and it can make matters worse including causing more flashbacks (My local NHS MH team refused to admit me to their mindfulness classes for that reason).

OP posts:
amillionyears · 16/06/2012 17:22

would googling it help or hinder.
wasnt sure whether to post this or not.
could smells trigger it?
has it happened at the same time of year as before.
also,would it being fathers day tomorrow have anything to do with it?
dont reply to any of this if you dont want to.

Original poster
madmouse · 16/06/2012 17:24

googling what amillion?

No thankfully father's day has nothing to do with it. It wasn't my dad, it was a teacher.

I've given up looking for a trigger tbh, just waiting for it to be over. Mainly very flat and tired today but managing to keep going so that's good.

OP posts:
Original poster
madmouse · 16/06/2012 17:27

Oh and yes smells can be a major trigger.

OP posts:
jaffacake2 · 16/06/2012 17:35

Sometimes you need to aknowledge that your childhood memories will always be with you.They shape the person you are in strong positive ways by knowing that you have survived awful times and are still standing. But also there will be the negative feelings of vulnerability which will make you feel anxious.
I was abused as a child and am still surprised when the feelings of vulnerability come over me.
A counsellor once told me it is like the Russian dolls,inside one another. Although you are there as the biggest one inside will be the small one who will always be there.
Try to accept that and not be frightened of sometimes feeling anxious.
You have survived a childhood nightmare,it wont come again to you in adulthood.Memories will not harm you.
Take care of yourself. You are strong now not a small child.

amillionyears · 16/06/2012 17:47

I meant googling flashbacks.
Glad you are managing to keep going.
Hope its over soon.

Original poster
madmouse · 16/06/2012 18:49

Jaffacakes did we have the same therapist?

amillion there's not much I need to google about flashbacks, I know them very very well.

OP posts:
fuzzpig · 16/06/2012 18:54

Mad mouse, you have helped me so many times on here, always full of reassurance and good advice. I am sorry to see you so sad, I wish I knew what to say. :( I am here if you need to chat. I know how quickly emotions can change for the worse.

I also have a feeling you are on my FB list from a support thread a while ago? My initials are DTB, you can always PM me on there if you want xx

annalovesmrbates · 16/06/2012 18:54

Oh madmouse, no words of wisdom but sorry that you are in this place. You offer such wise words to others at times of need.