Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Mental health

Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

Been trying to hurt myself

128 replies

Hecubasdaughter · 06/04/2012 23:27

I really want to punish myself, but no punushment seems enough for the fuck up I am. Even killing myself won't solve the burden on society that I have become. I never wanted to offend with my existance but since I do exist and am a fuckup I can't seem to fix it.

OP posts:

sweetmoonbeam · 06/04/2012 23:37

Hi hecubasdaughter I am really sorry if this is a useless and pointless message but I didn't want to ignore your post.

What strikes me is that you are punishing yourself already; you clearly aren't happy and are giving yourself a really hard time. I am sure you've done nothing to warrant that. Killing yourself definitely won't solve things but talking might be a start - what's wrong? Xx

WorldOfMeh · 06/04/2012 23:43

Hey there.

I could have written the exact same words as you have above only a few days ago. I wish I was feeling more articulate, or somehow miraculously had the answer, but I am not and I probably don't, right now.

Please consider, though, that it might be worth examining how you are feeling with the help of some other people, and ask yourself this: who else in the world do you feel this sort of hatred towards? Who else do you feel deserves the sort of punishment you seem to think you deserve? I think you'll find it hard to think of one, even. Please take this as a small piece of evidence that your thinking is not quite straight right now. With help, this can change and things will be different again.

This too will pass.

Original poster

Hecubasdaughter · 06/04/2012 23:43

Everything I do I do wrong, people I care about get caught in the crossfire and suffer. If they had never met me things would be better for them.

People hate me. They should though, I am a horrible person. I called another poster a bitch earlier. What does that make me.

Every day I get worse as a human being, everyday I fuck it up so much I destroy DDs' chance of a future.

OP posts:

WorldOfMeh · 06/04/2012 23:47

Do you know that depression can manifest as anger? The twisted thing about that is that you then use that as evidence that you are a bad person.

You aren't.

You don't get worse, but you may feel worse. And there is no fuck up that bad that you can destroy your child's entire future- or not one that I believe you can have made.

Original poster

Hecubasdaughter · 06/04/2012 23:48

I could never hate anyone more than myself because noone is uglier, more useless, more of a pariah.

I'm supposed to be job hunting. Every application has become an effort. I just look at the application and think what is the point of working on this, nobody will even read it.. I do it but I should be doing twice the number of applications for all the good they will do.

OP posts:

Original poster

Hecubasdaughter · 06/04/2012 23:50

I have, they will never be able to go to Uni, they can't go out to play because we have had 2 major police incidents in 6weeks our neighbours are so lovely

OP posts:

WorldOfMeh · 06/04/2012 23:52

So, I get where you are coming from. Your thought processes are eerily similar to mine when I am on a downward spiral.

A good friend of mind, who happens to be a psychiatric nurse, calls it 'spinning'. I can't always stop it, but sometimes it can really help if I can identify that that is what is going on. Your mind is running away with you, down a well worn path to self loathing, regret, anger. Round and round the ragged castle... eh.

Anyway, adrenaline kicks in and you get more and more wound up. It's hard to stop.

Can you talk about any of what's going on, or do you just feel like this in general?

OneLieIn · 06/04/2012 23:54

You're in a really bad place. It's grim, it's black, it's hideously dark.

It can get better. But you need to get some help. Anyone in rl you can talk to?

sassskia · 06/04/2012 23:55

Hi, I think the fact you are posting on mh shows you realise that how you are feeling is an 'issue' and not the real you? Let me assure you that your child does need you and you are in fact the key to their future not the problem. I very much hope you have some real life support or are willing to make steps towards support/help?

WorldOfMeh · 06/04/2012 23:58

Would you hate someone for being ugly? For being a pariah?

You wouldn't, would you?

Job applications suck. There is a recession on. You sound articulate and intelligent, and I am sure you could do most jobs blindfolded. So it isn't you. I don't have a job either. I tried for a job that I was overqualified for recently- just testing the water, trying to be optimistic... not even an interview. That's what sent me off on my last downward spiral.

So... you kids won't go to Uni? You don't know that. And honestly, yes it will be harder for our kids than it was for us, but I'm pretty sure that was more to do with politicians. Unless you secretly have huge influence in Westminster... do you? Either way, if they want to go then I guess they will find a way, and we will support them whatever way we can, even if it's just moral support.

Do you want to talk about the police incidents? Sounds like you're under a lot of stress. :(

Original poster

Hecubasdaughter · 06/04/2012 23:58

We have hardly any money, I only work part time and can't get a second or alternative job. I'm not even good enough to get a reply never mind an interview. DH can't get a job either I feel it's my fault.

I hate where we live, feel trapped. I have an ex who is a bully who turns up in our street watching us at school run time, police say they can't do anything unless he actually does something.

My Mum is an alcoholic who blames me for having to drink.

OP posts:

Original poster

Hecubasdaughter · 07/04/2012 00:03

Police incident 1 neighhbour a pulled a gun on the take away delivery driver to avoid paying resulting in armed seige.

Incident 2 neighbour b decided he wanted to slash neighbour c with a sword.

OP posts:

Original poster

Hecubasdaughter · 07/04/2012 00:03

Incident 2 was in the street on Sunday afternoon.

OP posts:

WorldOfMeh · 07/04/2012 00:06

OK. You're in a very tough place at the moment, and under a lot of stress. You are feeling just as any normal human being would- but you need to stop making it all about you.

There's a recession on. Apparently that means that employers have become rude and inconsiderate (I didn't merit a reply either, by the way. Usually don't).

These are really tough things, all taken separately- but you're dealing with the lot. Something's got to give! Are your kids on Easter break just now?

Consider seeing your GP. As for your mother, you know that's bullshit, right? Has she always blamed you for stuff you have no control over?

sassskia · 07/04/2012 00:07

Thats sounds horrendous, poor you. Do you rent or own your house?

WorldOfMeh · 07/04/2012 00:07

Jesus, no wonder you're stressed. Where are you, Beirut?

Original poster

Hecubasdaughter · 07/04/2012 00:08

My mum I remember it from when I was 10.

dd1 is, dd2 isn't at school yet.

OP posts:

usualsuspect · 07/04/2012 00:09

Bloody hell , do you live in downtown Bronx?

PatsysPyjamas · 07/04/2012 00:11

Applying for jobs is awful, never more so than in the current market. It's basically a full time job, and incredibly hard if you take the rejection personally. Really, try not to take it personally.

I wouldn't let my kids play out in our street either and we have no garden/ outside space. I don't think that is so unusual in cities. I try to get to the park after school sometimes.

PatsysPyjamas · 07/04/2012 00:12

ps didn't mean that the gun/sword incidents were normal, just that in inner city areas most kids do not play out IME.

NiceHamione · 07/04/2012 00:12

You do sound very depressed, please do go to the doctor.

Going out would help you as well, are there some local groups you could attend?

I think you should also avoid the parts of MN which are volatile, AIBU or benefits threads. You already have very low self esteem and seem very angry with yourself, so you just not strong enough to be posting in places like that which just reaffirm your negative thoughts.

Take care.

Original poster

Hecubasdaughter · 07/04/2012 00:13

We rent but it's council.. Another reason for people to hate me. Ironically we are in a very small town, just bigger than a village. One street is nn Taliban Terrace though. So called due to use of opium poppy products and violence so we are in the 'nice'street .

OP posts:

usualsuspect · 07/04/2012 00:13

My advice would be , get off MN and get real life help.

NiceHamione · 07/04/2012 00:14

Apart from a few idiots on here people do not hate those on benefits or in council houses. You are projecting your own self loathing.

Do you not have a sure start or homestart near you. They may be running some courses aimed at boosting confidence and self image?

NiceHamione · 07/04/2012 00:16

It sounds harsh but usual is right. For some people, often regular or known poster MN can be a great place when in a time of crisis. I have to say, that has not always been the case for me. I don't think MN is serving you at the moment, it seems to be feeding your depression rather than helping. I do think posting in selected areas of this site would be a good idea.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6