Been trying to hurt myself

[Hecubasdaughter]

I really want to punish myself, but no punushment seems enough for the fuck up I am. Even killing myself won't solve the burden on society that I have become. I never wanted to offend with my existance but since I do exist and am a fuckup I can't seem to fix it.

[bushock] Hecuba your Mum drinks. Not you!

[bublush]

I knew what you meant I grew up hating alcohol so don't touch it. It's not being a martyr. I just feel if I can get a job, any job it would be the first step to getting things back together and a chance to feel a little less guilty.

Depression changes your view of the world, I recognise so much off my old thinking in my posts

Have you ever noticed that deoression makes you feel responsible for things you have no control over ?eg the recession,and I think hanging on to the job even if it goes against common sense is maybe your way off feeling you have some control?

I pretended to cope it didn't work,I got better when I made dealing with my depression my job,my only job.I still sometimes struggle with negative thoughts but haven't had a depressive episode in 5 years.Its great .
Sometimes its easy to believe that noone can understand how bad you feel,I used to start every day when I opened my eyes looking at the light flex wondering if it was strong enough to hang myself.

I know the agony,I feel that depression is a dark room and we are alll looking for our light switch to throw light on our darkness sometimes it can take a long time to find the switch ,we can fall over,knock ourselves,but the lightswitch is there ,our only job is to find it.ITS THERE.

So... can you talk to your partner at all?

He does know I'm down but I've been trying to hide just how bad from him. He is stressed with job hunting so he doesn't need more to worry about.

What you NEED to do is sort your benefits out so that you have a reasonable amount to live on - have you taken ANY steps to do this after about one year of advice? Second priority is to get your GP to refer you for some proper help. Obviously MN isn't workiing as you are back every week with a different problem, and another reason why someone hates you. No one hates you. You just need to take the real advice that is given.

No one hates people who live in council houses for example. I lived in one til I was 19 years old. And I rent privately now. No-one gives a shit - honest!

Well, you need to stop hiding it and be honest with him. Do you think that he hasn't noticed? You're both stressed, but you're in it together- you are partners, yes? You need to act like it, and stop taking all the responsibility. You are parents. You need to act like grown-ups and stand together to be strong.

I hadn't realised that you have been coming here repeatedly: I'm new. Honestly, knowing that and reading this thread over the last day or so- you need to listen to some of the advice you're getting.

Sort your priorities, beginning with GP, then CAB/benefits. Therapy/counselling: your GP may be able to refer you, or there are often charities than can help. Give your kids their mummy back. Get yourself back for you. And start living the rest of your life, one step at a time.

Stop being your own jailer.

I echo what WorldOfMeh said. Be open with your DP. Then see your GP. Then go to CAB to see about benefits. You can get back to being you. You can do it. You've made the first step by admitting it here. Have a look at this thread to see how support is being given by people in your situation. Good luck.

Tried telling DH today. He said he would not discuss any negatives, called me a fucking bitch and a tramp and threatened to leave me :(. We have had 3 stand up rows today.

Holy crap. Really sorry to hear this. Have you got any family who can offer you some support?

Oh, dear lord, Hec :( So sorry to hear this.

Is this why you've been carrying the load yourself? Because he turns on you if things aren't going to plan?

You can't carry it all, my love, look what it's doing to you.
Any chance of meeting up with some friends tomorrow (without him)? You could do with a mental health break! If not, take the DC out for a picnic or summat.

No one about really I'm afraid. I do everything because I can't handle it not being done and don't want the fight.

Poor you :(

You do everything because you get earache if you expect him to pull his weight? Blimey, I'm not surprised you're tired & depressed!

Hec, in the very short term the most important thing is for you to take enough care of yourself. Give yourself a break tomorrow, with DC, and make a doctor's appointment on Tuesday. It would be a good idea to make a CAB appointment too.

Am I misremembering, or have you started on some antidepressants? The side-effects can be a bit weird but should die down after a couple of weeks. Sorry if I've got that wrong.

Got them on Monday past.

OK, good :) They help support your system when you're under stress. If you're not seeing an improvement in your outlook after six weeks, you can try a different type or a bigger dose. I think it should be helpful to see your doc in the meantime, to tell her/him how bad you're feeling. They ought to put that on record, and s/he might decide to try a bigger dose a bit sooner.

What treats have you got for you this evening? Any chocolate left??

Hec, why on earth are you supporting another abusive husband? What the hell has happened to him? I hope you find some strength and throw the idiot out ASAP. You'd probably be better off.

Tramp? Seriously? Who even uses that vocabulary?

If he is threatening to leave, LET HIM.

Just become bad since redundancy. I've been figuring he us depressed so have been trying to ease the pressure on him.

It's not working though, is it? Let him do you a favour and fuck off. You say you do everything anyway- why not do it without verbal abuse?

Hecuba, if that is his view well you need to start packing his case. This CANNOT continue. I am exhausted just reading it. You have been posting this stuff for MORE THAN 2 YEARS!!!! Yes you need help, but MN is obviously not helping - unless for for your sake you need all the "poor you" posts.

I want to know - WHAT HELP has your GP offered and WHEN IS your appointment at CAB to sort out your benefits? 2 years is enough. I will haunt and report every sympathy thread you make from now on. You HAVE to do something for the sake of your dds.

Come on. You had problems before you got married, before you got pregnant, before you had a baby, before redundancy etc etc. It has been an endless list of problems and evil comments from any professionals you have come into contact with.

Your mother is horrible, your dh is horrible, your ex and his mother are evil. Noone thinks you are entitled to the benefits you ARE entitled to, your baby should sleep in a cupboard, you are unemployable, the world hates you.

THIS HAS TO STOP! Fecking do something - you have had 2 years of advice. Take some of it. Stop making excuses. Stop starting threads for sympathy. If your mental health is bad, then for the love of God, please seek proper help.

Actually the problem is you don't think you're entitled to anything, isn't it Hec? You've had a lifetime of arseholes and a run of bad luck. The arseholes bullied the bounce out of you, so you end up thinking you're not worth helping. It feels like the only good thing about you is when you're "useful", I'm guessing?

If it's like that, it explains why you're desperate to hang on to a job that damages your benefits entitlement, and to a man that damages your self-esteem.

Do me a favour, please, Hec. Listen to the wise women here and let one bully walk out of your life! Don't make him any sarnies for the journey, just say "bey, then." Make an appt at CAB so you get as much benefit as possible. If they tell you to dump the job, dump it. Take your meds. Do nice little things for yourself and DC. Start a better life :)

It won't be easy, but it bloody won't be as hard and miserable as the life you've got now. And you do deserve better, Hec, you do.

We can all see it, that's why we keep answering your threads. You're worth a better life, and you can have it. Bully-free!

"bey" = "bye"!