Been trying to hurt myself

[Hecubasdaughter]

I really want to punish myself, but no punushment seems enough for the fuck up I am. Even killing myself won't solve the burden on society that I have become. I never wanted to offend with my existance but since I do exist and am a fuckup I can't seem to fix it.

Mums say horrible things. My Mum said she wished she'd never had me or my sister, and that if my older sisters (twin stillbirth) had lived, they would have been perfect... she actually had a full fantasy about what they would have been like. We would never have been able to compete with that.

So, yeah- my Mum had serious problems. I see that now. Your Mum clearly has VERY serious problems, and probably doesn't even remember saying what she said.

But that isn't the issue. I suspect that your childhood may have (among other things, and I'm not a therapist, so this is only a hunch based on our similarities), given you serious self-esteem issues. Hence a bully ex. Hence taking the blame for everything.

You can't have ALL the blame. That's greedy. Did no-one ever teach you to share?

usual is right- but this is the middle of the night. What do you do when you're feeling this low and have no-one to talk to? It can be helpful in the short term to just let it out anonymously.

As a habit, no. Simply because it's important seek help in RL, and yes, repeated forum use can be unhelpful if that's all you do. And yy to avoiding AIBU and thread where the Daily Fail readers lurk!

I agree WorldofMeh. Try to get out a bit more in the day, fresh air works wonders and often makes children easier. Use the non controversial parts of MN in the evening.

It is important though that you are getting enough sleep ( the irony of me posting at this time when I have to be up early is not passing me by ) as depression is worst when you are tired.

When I felt depressed I hid AIBU and Relationships, which seemed to always bring up difficult stories. Mumsnet was a much easier place to chat without reading those sections.

Hope things seem a bit better in the morning, Hecubasdaughter. Please do consider making an appointment to see your GP to get some help and support. A walk in the fresh air is also an excellent idea.

Must go to sleep myself. Keep failing to go when I should!

Hec, have you phoned the Samaritans? They've been a lifeline when I've been feeling a bit like you are now. I still ring them sometimes. They don't do advice, but they're fantastic at listening - you can talk for an hour.
It helps.

Hecuba, you are displaying classic symptoms of depression which sound like it is being fueled by self-esteem issues and stress.
Please go and talk to your GP, it/they will help you.

YY, and depression is not your fault. It's not weakness, it's not stupidity and it doesn't mean you're 'wrong'. It's just an illness. There is treatment. Doctor!

Hecuba, you said you had a GPs appointment last week. What did he say? Have you been to CAB yet to sort out your benefits? You are a not a fuck up at all but you are beyond the help of MN now and really must stop posting such dramatic stuff here and get some RL help.

Hi Hec. The feelings you are having are usually found in people who are suffering from depression. You are ill. You need treatment. Please go and see your GP and tell her/him. World is right. You can and will get better. You've made the first step: admitting you have a problem. The next step is equally important: telling your GP. You can get through this, you have The Hive? behind you.

You are catastrophising (if that is a a word?)

Focus on the here and now and on getting help to get through today/tomorrow and the current issues.

If you are unable to do this then you need some support in rl, what support do you have avaliable? As it is a bank holiday you need to think about OOH teams, if you have access? If not then NHS direct? Also samartians?

Poor hecuba please keep coming on this thread...I know how it feels to worry about what your DC are going to have available to them....I hope you're ok today.

The GP gave me medication on Monday. I'm struggling a bit with the SE but I'm hoping I'll become tolerant to them.

What are your plans for today?

I need to and get milk for dd, that's about it really.

Hecubas - you sound seriously, seriously depressed sweetheart.

I've been there and its a terrible and dark place. Its not unusual when you're there to remember every awful thing that has ever been said or done to you as your mind is trying to get everything to back up its depressed mode. Feeling worthless and helpless and that you are to blame for everything and that you deserve punishment are just some of the horrible things that this illness does to you.

If you trap your hand in the door, all your head can think about it the pain in your hand and you can't really do anything until its gone. Its the same with depression, until you tackle it, its all that you can see.

You are an intelligent woman and a caring mother who has fallen on hard times and has become ill. Not some awful pariah who deserves punishment.

Forget everything you have to do and focus on one thing at a time. You need to get to your GP to sort out your anti-depressants, either to find one that works better for you or to increase the dose and also get on the waiting list for counselling as having a safe place where you can get everything off your mind to someone trained to help is invaluable. If you are feeling like harming yourself in any way then go to A&E where they will look after you and get you a professional to talk to.

This is a severe depression you're in and you're going to need intervention to help you get out of it. Tackle this first and the rest will fall into place. This is coming from someone who has been signed off since Jan to deal with the same problem, though thankfully I caught myself spiraling before it got to the black place where you are now.

Take care of yourself. Please go and get help x

What are you going to do the rest of the day? Doing nothing all day won't help. Any plans to go out and about? Or if you feel this bad get some medical help before Tuesday.

Cleaning, tidying, trawling through my CV again, job applications etc although last night I couldn't find anything I could do that I hadn't already applied for.

If I leave I have to pay back my mat pay, I know it's not a lot but we don't have the savings to cover it.

Only just due to being unwell, need to stay 6 months.