Been trying to hurt myself

[Hecubasdaughter]

I really want to punish myself, but no punushment seems enough for the fuck up I am. Even killing myself won't solve the burden on society that I have become. I never wanted to offend with my existance but since I do exist and am a fuckup I can't seem to fix it.

You're right I don't deserve to be happy. For as long as I can remember everything has always been my fault, I need to pay penance.. If something nice happend I'm on edge.

Also in Court one of the claims against me was I never did enough so I now try and do absolutely everything so the powers that be can't decide they were right.

Warren I am beginning to think you are right about the job hunting. Last night was a disaster, spent a lot of time sobbing so struggling to reach, ended up swearing at the screen for each job I had read almost the whole advert before realising I couldn't apply for for some reason.

Not going back to court, just memories from last time.

He's still in bed.

Noone has said you don't deserve to be happy. Noone. You are projecting.

Get him up, stop being a martyr. You don't get an award for having a shit time

Hec Why aren't you taking the advice of all these posters? You have been given such good advice and support. You only seem to want to acknowledge any bad stuff that people post rather than answer questions such as whether you have been to CAB etc. I know that is a symptom of depression, only hearing the bad stuff (eg where you said you don't deserve to be happy no-one has said that or even implied it) but you need to make that first step yourself. If you aren't receptive to help, then no advice or support in the world is goind to make a difference.

What Warren said. Get rid of him, he's draining you.

You're getting good advice, hec. And, it seems like you been for a little while now. So, if you aren't taking it, can you start by asking yourself why?

Every behaviour, however negative, is driven by a reason. Somewhere in your head, you have decided there is more benefit in sticking with things the way they are. Ask yourself- honestly- why? What benefit do you derive from the status quo? Then ask yourself: is this more important than all the reasons I might have for changing?

It sounds to me like you have some very faulty thinking going on. No doubt from your upbringing. It's tough, but YOU must decide to change that- you are the adult now, in your family (I am not counting your partner). YOU need to decide when. If you want my advice (and I'm not sure you do), then you will start sooner rather than later. Your kids need you to start fixing this.

You can do it. There are lots of people out there who have felt the same way you do now- possibly some of us who are trying to advise you. No-one says it's going to be easy, but listen when we tell you to stop wasting time wallowing in your own misery. Wait til the meds start working, if you must, keep with them as your first step, then... you know what to do. GP, CAB, etc etc.

Maybe start a more positive thread about how you're doing making constructive steps towards change and happiness. You will find support (from me at least) for that- but no-one wants to attend a two-year pity party.

If job hunting is affecting you this much then stop. You are ill just now. If you can't cope atm you will not be able to hold down a full time job as well. Especially the stress of a new job, new things to learn and new people.

YOU NEED HELP NOW.

I am unsure what more advice I can give, it has been said before, you need to access real life support and stop working to allow yourself to recover. Same as if it was a physicall illness.

I am calling GP tomorrow and asking for CPN referral, the meds aren't enough on their own.

I've been putting off CAB because I'm terrified they tell me there's nothing that can be done.

I am working on a housework plan ie dividing jobs into daily, weekly etc to get that under control.

Noone on here has said I don't deserve happiness but the mantra when I was growing up was 'this wouldn't have happened if you hadn't been born'.

DH will do things around the house if I ask him to do a specific task but he can take a while to get round to it eg I asked him to wash the dinner dishes, I ended up doing it at 11am the next day. He won't just do something.

Excellent. Please do come back and let us know when you've made that appointment. You've already achieved something positive this past week by going to your GP for medication. A referral, and maybe some Diazepam in the meantime, may help too- hopefully your GP will have some ideas.

Next thing is the CAB. You'll feel better once you know where you stand- so stop avoiding it. Call and make an appointment. It can take a while to get one, so setting a time now isn't so scary- it might well be a fortnight off, giving you time to work up to it in your own way.

Time to scrap the mantra, no? Get angry with your Mum (if you're not already) and find that line of separation between her crp and yours. Then you can change the crp that belongs to you and leave her with hers. Hope that makes some sort of sense!

DH... what can I say. Not much that hasn't been, I think. He sounds resentful, and childish. Whether he's simply a dickhead or it's more along the lines of MyNameIs's post, only you can possibly know. Might be worth asking him to go and stay with his mum for a while, either way, as it doesn't seem to be helping either of you having him around.

Not sure whether the rota will help just now, it could be another stick to beat yourself with. I think you need to focus on some good things, some positive, rewarding things. Maybe just simplify it- sort out one room each day, and reward yourself with something nice, even if it's just a walk to the park with the kids to feed the ducks..?

I'm going to leave MN, I want to try and save my marriage, DH is in tears after reading this. I need to stop upsetting and hurting everyone, I am just destroying everyone around me with my own guilt and self loathing.

I'm still calling the GP tomorrow and will try and call CAB.

Thank you for all your support.

why has he read it?

I accidently left it on when dd started crying.

DH says I've not to cancel my account until I ask you all what he should do?

Oh FFS.

Good luck at the GP tomorrow.

Good you are going to GP, you need medical intervention asap.

no, why did he read it? DH doesnt read my posts on MN, he treats it as my diary.

tell him that he needs to go with you to the doctors. he needs to go with you to CAB. he needs to go with you to the HA and discuss your issues with neighbours.

its shit when the person you love is mentally ill. I am anorexic, DH has had to watch me starve myself into hospital. he has had to literally talk me off a bridge. he has had to move away from his friends and family to save my sanity and our marriage.

but I got myself better. I decided that I wasnt going to let shit things beat me. and while mn was great as an outlet, it didnt fix me, I did that.

What OracleOnACrossacle said. And he isn't in a position to tell you whether you can have a MN account or not. Hopefully he is crying because he cares and this has touched a nerve.

He should stop being such a twit- tell him the nineteen fifties want the word 'tramp' back.

I happen to agree that mumsnet does nothing for you but feed your paranoia.

He should go with you to the doctors and support you get well and some decent medication. Make sure you tell them everything- that you get no joy in anything, that you turn every mild expression of annoyance a stranger makes into a devastating personal attack, that all professionals you come into contact with seem to make career-ending remarks because they would rather lose their jobs than miss a chance to insult you, that you would rather punish yourself with misery than actually change anything, etc etc. Don't sugar coat any of it. You need proper psychiatric intervention.

If he can make sure the GP knows exactly how pathological and entrenched this way of thinking has become, and get you some proper help, then he will have done you and himself a massive service.

That is the main priority.

Then there is all the practical advice about the CAB you have neen fiven umpteen times etc to chase up. But one step at a time. Get well first.

*been given, sorry. That was a mistype from my phone, rather than Swahili for 'I think you are a twat'. Just in case you misinterpret it.

Good luck- I will be overjoyed for you if you are actually able to get things sorted out.

yep to LeBOF and thatghastlywoman, when I went to see my gp initially, I skirted around the problems and wasnt totally honest, when the EDT visited me at home, dh was there and he pulled the scales off my eyes. I thought I had hidden itr all so well, I hadnt, and he told the truth about what life with me was like, and how ill I was. thats what you need. not internet sprites stroking your hair and providing a crutch.