Insomnia friends - help me beat this

[GetDownYouWillFall]

Am gutted to be resurrecting this thread as it means I am back in that same dark hole where I never wanted to be ever again.

But here I am.

My nights are so filled with anxiety I can't bear it. My body is so so tired, yet something in my mind fights sleep and just won't let go.

I know that the only way to beat it is to beat the anxiety. I used to know how to do it. But I've forgotten the secret. Please insomnia friends come back and help me remember how to beat it.

I've been here so many times before. I know in my mind it won't go on forever, but I'm not being rational. It feels like I've forgotten how to sleep. It's ruining my life. I'm irritable, forgetful, shaky, clumsy, miserable.

I love my baby and I love my little girl. I love my husband. Why is this happening. I don't have any "real" problems like so many people. I feel so guilty.

I just want to sleep again, and feel normal.

Hello everyone. GetDown I saw that sleeping table thing on This Morning and I thought 'oooh no I hope GetDown doesn't see this'. They were actually saying, though, that it is completely inconclusive and not to worry. They had people phoning up in a worried state but they were telling them 'do not stop taking any medication'. And funny how the story has just disappeared now.

GetDown I love doing crafty things too, it really calms me down. Since about last Easter I've started painting again (as you may have noticed on FB) and it has really, really helped me get my sleep back on track I am sure. Those nights when I ignore the canvas and work or just watch TV I don't sleep as well I am sure.

DH is away in London at the moment so it is at the back of my mind that I might not sleep as well as I am always more anxious about looking after everyone when he's not here. He's going to be away on and off for the next two months or so.

Hope you have a good night GetDown x

It's good that you're getting some support now and you'll get through this I'm sure.

thanks all it's been a rough day and not much energy to type but thanks for thinking of me

Hi getdown - please dont worry about the articles on sleeping tablets. All of these health reports deal in statistically tiny variations.

I know that you know so many of us on this thread have been where you are at the moment (and for some of us more than once) and its bloody horrible. But we'll be with you every step of the way till you feel better. Let us know if there is anything at all we can do to help x

thank you. I am very much trying to concentrate only on today. Because otherwise the "what if...." statements start to pile up and I can feel the anxiety build in a tangible, physical form in my body. It's really hard work mentally but it's my only option.

I am also having to just accept the situation with the various drugs at the moment, and know it is a short term thing. I am throwing everything at beating this as quickly as possible because I know that the longer it goes on the harder it is to recover.

I am also forcibly trying not to allow myself to grieve over the end of breastfeeding.

GetDown I think you should let yourself grieve the end of the feeding.

Getdown I agree with Becky, the feeding is a big thing, and even though there is a good reason for stopping, it will feel sad and it is not fair that you and ds cannot make your own decision as to when you are ready to stop. It is also good on the other hand to be aware of how much goodness you have given ds and how closely you have bonded together over the feeding!

You are doing well, accepting help and medication. You will beat this. You were far worse last time and you beat that too x

I agree it's such a special time for both of you, it's only natural to feel sad at the end of it. I did anyway and it was my choice to finish.

On the positive side though you have BF for a lot longer than most people can and it will have given your DS a really good start.

You have done amazing to get to this point with BF. I think you should be proud of that. I failed dismally three times for various reasons, mainly because I couldn't bear the agony it caused me. I just couldn't do it even though the sadness I felt was just as awful as the pain of doing it. But you do need to grieve, it is natural to grieve, and healthy to do so I think.

Hi all,Don't know if anyone is around at this time of night. I haven't read through whole thread (Sorry).
I was woken up by DD (3) then I tried to get back to sleep but DH is snoring so I lay their awake and of course my anxiety starts then cause I can't get back to sleep . I'm hoping to try and get some sleep on the sofa in a bit but will probably end up watching some telly. It's crap feeling like this! I'm going through a bit of a low patch again at the mo. The house is a tip (that's a whole other thread).It's hard to get out of this spiral!

Sorry if you'r reading this OP. I don't want to drag anyone down, I just needed to get it out and this seemed like the right place.

getdown - how are you doing this week?

I can remember feeling so low when I finally admitted that the dreaded PND had struck again after DS2. I was so determined that it wouldn't happen this time and I sailed through the first three/four months. I honestly thought I'd escaped. But sure enough the old anxieties and obsessions about sleep started creeping back in and before I knew it I was having panic attacks and not able to leave the house.

Now however I look back on it and just think oh well, it happened twice -so what? It really doesn't matter to me now whereas at the time I felt like the worlds biggest failure. Also the recovery second time round was much quicker because I spotted the signs a lot earlier and asked for help more readily.

Within a matter of months I was back to normal albeit still scared that the dark cloud might come back.

So, although you feel horrible at the moment - you are on the road to recovery and you will hopefully surprise yourself at how quickly you get better this time.

Thanks countrylover TBH I am going through an awful time.

I keep swinging wildly between positive thoughts of "I will get better" to really bleak thoughts.

I keep having obsessional thinking about getting addicted to the medication. I am so anxious all the time I have to take lorazepam morning and evening, and am taking zopiclone at night. I wake up in the night in a panic that I am getting addicted So it's this vicious cycle and I can't seem to get out of it.

I forced myself out for a walk yesterday. The crisis team is coming every day and they say patronising things like go out for a walk. I am doing what they say, but it feels like for show.

I really want to do everything I can to help myself but nothing seems to be working.

I am trapped in a hell-hole of my own thoughts and I can't see a way out.

Yes hun you can and will find a way out. You are not trapped, and you will handle your medication sensibly and not get addicted long term. I know that and I want you to know it too.

You've managed to come off a heck of a lot of medication that your psychiatrist said you never would, and you did it, slowly, sensibly, carefully. You can handle lorazepam and zopiclone. You can handle this. You will get through this. You will get yourself off them in due course. I absolutely believe that. Keep going, and FGS if things are that bad in the night ring me and tell me! xx

Hi Getdown just to reiterate what madmouse has said you will get through this.

The feelings you have at the moment will not last forever as you successfully came through last time. Try and keep that in mind.

Sorry that it is so hard at the moment:( Stay strong x

Oh GetDown you can get out as madmouse says. You're just in the well at the moment and we've all been there and it is horrible in there I know. I never, ever thought I'd get out but I did. You will too! I don't want to sound patronising either but you will be ok. I am sure of it.

This clip from the West Wing sums up what I want to say to you:

I don't know if you've ever watched it but the one guy, Josh, has just been diagnosed with PTSD and Leo, his boss, tells him this story that I found really moving (me and DH were big West Wing fans).

Remember how after DD they told you that you'd be on medication for life? You proved them wrong! And the same applies now. I believe in you too. But for now, keep talking to us, keep sharing on here - good and bad, whatever. This thread was my lifeline two years ago. Thinking of you x

It's me again. I've just been making lunch for DS3 and thinking about your situation. I remember what it was like. I remember how people kept telling me to go for walks, do something nice, treat myself to a coffee etc, sleep when the bay sleeps and I just thought 'it's alright for you, you can sleep!' and thinking 'nothing works' and 'going through the motions' as you said of trying to rest when I was told to etc (and every time I lay down I felt like I was going to explode with anxiety). I got to the point when I was actually quite mean to my poor old mum who came out with all these things all the time. Everything she said about how I could help myself feel better annoyed me. The GP annoyed me. That weird mental health woman I had to see every Friday annoyed me with her stupid relaxation techniques! The health visitor annoyed me! I think for me I got better gradually as I decided what I could do to help myself, which for me was painting again, forcing myself to do things with the DSs even when I was tired (I remember making bread with them one saturday when I was bone-achingly exhausted and DH was away), writing down in a little note book every night what had happened that day which was good (sounds a bit naff but it really helped me), writing those PSTs that you told me to write (I remember at the time thinking 'yeah right that will really work!'), accepting the anxiety, accepting that I wouldn't sleep sometimes, trying things such as herbal tablets, homeopathy, hypnotherapy or whatever was on offer for a while. I don't know what worked or whether the hormone thing improved or what really, talking to you guys on here, talking to a couple of other friends who had had PND (one of who was hospitalized for a while) and trying to get through each day, each week, convincing myself that it would get better. I'm waffling a bit here, sorry. I just want to say that I understand how you are feeling.

thank you. thank you all so much. Your comments really help. I feel like i am clinging on to sanity by a thread right now, but boy am i clinging on tight. I was doing ok today until DD had a meltdown, and i felt the anxiety exploding within me. Even to the point of pressure in my ears. I haven't got a clue how i am going to get through this but i believe you guys that i will, somehow

you may feel as if you're clinging on to sanity by a thread but you are more rational than you think. you ARE still coping, you ARE still getting out of bed in the morning, you ARE still caring for your two children. (and i'm quite sure you're doing a very good job of it too)

with regards to the anxiety around medication, i was exactly the same. when the GP prescribed AD's and a short course of diazepam for my anxiety and PND with DS2 i was convinced i would get addicted, that i was a failure and that i would never be able to come off any of it again.

i can clearly remember walking home from collecting DS1 from school crying to my mum that i couldn't get the vicious loop out of my head about the medication and me getting addicted. i was hysterical and saying that i wouldn't wish these thoughts and feelings on my worst enemy and that i felt trapped inside my own head. my mum just very calmly explained that once the AD's started working then i wouldn't worry about all of this. it was so true, once i started feeling better i couldn't care less that it was due to the help of medication. i was just so relieved to be feeling better.

within a few weeks i was off the diazepam and although it took nearly two years to come off the ad's completely, in the grand scheme of things it hasn't mattered.

you need the medication to get better just as you would if you had something physically troubling you.

i know you have a lot of people on this thread thinking about you and all saying the same thing, you will get better. we can't all be wrong ;)

yes I feel like that too countrylover I am stuck in a vicious loop. I tried to do without the lorazepam today and failed miserably. I felt really really awful all day. I relented and took one this afternoon and still feel pretty bad.

Saw the psychiatrist this morning. She has put me on quetiapine now. I took one earlier and it made me feel terrible.

Struggling. Really struggling. I know in theory I will get better but it is such a hard place to be right now in this moment

They gave me some quetiapine when I had that extreme anxiety reaction from the citalopram Getdown - it was the lowest dose but 15 minutes after taking it dh said 'welcome back'. But that was on Sunday evening, I didn't actually have to function on the stuff. But controlling your anxiety is the biggest priority now, as things need to get back into perspective in order to reverse the vicious circle.

Here for you whenever - phone still on at night xx

Dont put too much pressure on yourself to 'do without' medication at the moment. You wont need the lorazepam etc when the others kick in.
The problem with holding out and then taking hours later is that inevitably things are even worse - so the medication has even more to do

You are very very sensible so will only ever use as much as you need (rather than taking more and more.)

We're all with you, and will continue to be until the days start to get easier x

Thank you all for your kind comments. Babs I am amazed you think I am remarkable, I don't feel remarkable at all, but thank you for encouraging me. I have the occasional negative thought about whether it was selfish to have another baby and put myself and my family through all this again, but looking at him he is so gorgeous, and nothing but a blessing. I can never regret him, whatever happens.
But this illness is a scary scary thing, and you think you are really losing your mind, so I suppose just simply holding on as best I can is the only thing I can do.

I have to trust you guys that I won't get addicted to the lorazepam. At the moment it feels like the only thing that allows me to "function". I am so hyper sensitive to the thought of becoming addicted. Then when the psychiatrist gave me quetiapine yesterday instead, it felt like she was confirming that I could get addicted and the negative thoughts started spiralling again.

Another vote here for you being remarkable. Having another child after such a tough experience the first time round is nothing short of remarkable. In fact, now that I'm better I can pat myself on the back for doing it too

So much of what you are saying takes me right back to where I was with the crippling anxiety after having DS2. I used to think I was loosing my mind and although in the back of my head I knew I would eventually get better, it kind of didn't matter. I just wanted to be out of the hell hole right that very moment.

I have some quite heavy duty anxiety today (I have a phobia of vomit and DS1 is currently home from school and on the sofa saying he feels sick) so I can really relate to the things you're describing. It's by no means the same as there's a time limit on my anxiety - ie once he's ill and once 48 hours have passed and I know I'm not going to get the bug I will stop being anxious. But I think that's the problem with PND, it seems like there's no time limit to it.

Perhaps it might be useful to try and think of it in blocks. So, this week you are going to feel bad and almost resign yourself to it. But next week you are going to feel a tiny bit better and you will be able to start regaining some control over the negative thoughts. The week after that you might be able to stop some of the negative thoughts. The week after that you might not believe the negative thoughts anyway etc.

I can guarantee you won't get addicted to any of the drugs you are taking. Just think how many they gave you last time and you didn't get addicted to any of them. You did an amazing job of coming off all of them to the extent that you were able to have another baby. Truly remarkable