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Original poster

Insomnia friends - help me beat this

141 replies

GetDownYouWillFall · 23/02/2012 10:43

Am gutted to be resurrecting this thread as it means I am back in that same dark hole where I never wanted to be ever again.

But here I am.

My nights are so filled with anxiety I can't bear it. My body is so so tired, yet something in my mind fights sleep and just won't let go.

I know that the only way to beat it is to beat the anxiety. I used to know how to do it. But I've forgotten the secret. Please insomnia friends come back and help me remember how to beat it.

I've been here so many times before. I know in my mind it won't go on forever, but I'm not being rational. It feels like I've forgotten how to sleep. It's ruining my life. I'm irritable, forgetful, shaky, clumsy, miserable.

I love my baby and I love my little girl. I love my husband. Why is this happening. I don't have any "real" problems like so many people. I feel so guilty.

I just want to sleep again, and feel normal.

OP posts:
madmouse · 23/02/2012 14:38

Interestingly I find personally that there is a link between risk averseness and anxiety. My anxiety has greatly reduced in many areas by taking risks and noticing nothing happens. Eg I've always stopped immediately and filled up the car the minute the petrol light came on. Having that light on made me very anxious. dh got fed up recently and deliberately drove the car down to a few miles with me in it. And nothing happened. Anxiety gone.

Original poster
GetDownYouWillFall · 23/02/2012 15:15

I've just forced myself out to the shops as it's sunny here. Ended up shouting at DD and now I am crying. I don't know what to do? If I stay in, I am stuck with my thoughts and if I force myself to do things I feel terrible.

OP posts:
loopydoo · 23/02/2012 15:31

How about an inbetween - inviting a friend/relative over for a cuppa. that way, you see someone and yet you don't have the worry of getting both the kids ready?

Even hanging out the washing used to make me feel a bit better.

loopydoo · 23/02/2012 15:42

getdown how old is your baby? Do you have a partner and any other help at home with the housework/child care?

Perhaps this weekend, could you literally be lazy for the entire weekend (or at least a day of it) and just feed the baby when needed and let your partner take care of you.

You could go for a swim/have a soak in the bath/lie in bed and read mags or books etc. It diesn't mean you have to sleep, just rest and recouperate a bit.Smile.

What thoughts do you have? Are they tormenting kinds of things or just random 'got lots to do' type stuff?

BeckyBendyLegs · 23/02/2012 16:04

GetDown how are you doing now? Thinking of you today x

madmouse · 23/02/2012 16:28

Getdown well done for getting out - it is strangely warm and sunny here too and ds and I have just been to the swing on his trike.

If you shouted at your dd and shouldn't have apologise to her and move on. The afternoon is hardest if you have not slept.

BeckyBendyLegs · 23/02/2012 16:51

That is so true, I always get through the morning fine then decline after lunch and again early evening. Getting out is good. It is lovely here too. I didn't wear a coat to get DS1 and DS2 from school. It felt wonderful.

kizzie · 23/02/2012 19:33

Hi - sorry that things difficult at the moment but really glad to see you reaching out for help.

You know my view (that you have done amazingly to get to this stage with your little one) - and now is the time for you to have some very well deserved support.
Keep posting and we'll all listen and offer any help we can.
Things are going to be ok x

orangeflutie · 23/02/2012 20:17

Hi GetDown So sorry you're not sleeping again. Keeping my fingers crossed tonight's a better night for you x

BeckyBendyLegs · 24/02/2012 08:14

GetDown how are you doing today? I didn't sleep well because DH, idiot that he is, stayed up all night working and then went to Manchester this morning. I was lying in bed at 5am in tears of anger and frustration that he puts himself though this, then tears of guilt for being so selfish. But hey ho.

I am thinking of you x

Original poster
GetDownYouWillFall · 24/02/2012 09:36

Thanks for all your words of support.

Last night was awful. Don't think I got any sleep at all. DH was snoring really loudly, so I set up camp in the lounge for a while. He then realised I wasn't in bed so came down and insisted he slept in the lounge and I went back to bed.

Then when in bed just felt so anxious and the sleep didn't come. Just kept getting up, pacing around. Had to drink loads of water as had a really dry mouth, then kept needing the loo. Then I felt really tearful and lonely so went back down and asked DH to come back to bed. It was a really crazy night.

I had periods of feeling relaxed and calm, but nowhere near sleep Sad

I hate this. DH took DD to school for me this morning, and he's coming home at 1:15pm from work. Feel so guilty about him having to take time off Sad

becky sorry you had a bad night too. How are you feeling?

OP posts:
BeckyBendyLegs · 24/02/2012 09:54

Oh GetDown I wish I could be there :( I'm ok. I'm only a bit tired really. Don't feel guilty about your DH taking time off. Make the most of the help. He sounds such a lovely DH. Where is your old list of positive sleep thoughts? I know you probably think you are beyond them at the moment but what's the harm in digging them out? Your PSTs (is that the phrase?) really helped me when I thought I was beyond all hope and help.

Original poster
GetDownYouWillFall · 24/02/2012 09:58

yeah I should dig the PSTs out, or try and write some new ones

OP posts:
BeckyBendyLegs · 24/02/2012 10:21

I stuck mine to the bedroom door, the inside so that DS1 wouldn't see them, and tried to read them every time I went in there. I also kept a notebook by the bed and every night before I went to bed I wrote down good things about that day. I don't remember whether it was you who recommended that I do that, or someone else or perhaps it came from that book you recommended to me. I loved doing that. I only stopped because I started sleeping better.

ChiefPotterer · 24/02/2012 13:42

GetDown you mention the fact that when you take the Mirtazapine for a few days the sedative effect wears off- you need to give it about 2 weeks to fully get into your system and restore your sleep pattern. I really think it could work for you- what have you got to lose?. Best of luck and sending positive sleep vibes your way!.

BeckyBendyLegs · 24/02/2012 16:55

Hi GetDown I hope you are ok. Thinking of you. I'm off out tonight to see a Abba Tribute band. DH is home from Manchester. He's had two hours sleep at the most, on the train there and back and he's as lively and cheery as normal. It really isn't fair how some people just cope so well on lack of sleep. He has no qualms that he will sleep well tonight.

countrylover · 24/02/2012 18:01

Oh getdown - I have often wondered how you were getting on with your (not so new!) baby. It looks to me as if you are doing a fabulous job as he looks like a beautiful cheeky chap on FB.

I have read the thread and the whole way through I've been thinking of all the little changes I made to my thought pattern and habits which eventually lead me out of my hideous PND insomnia with DS2. I hope my list helps a bit:

  1. I stopped being so hard on myself and accepted help whenever it was offered and tried not feel guilty about it (even if that meant DH taking time off work/DM cancelling plans to be with me)

  2. I patted myself on the back regularly for even considering going through having another child again let alone actually going through with it. I still can't believe now that I have two DC's. I feel so proud of myself that I pushed myself to do something I feared so greatly.

  3. I told myself that I got through it last time and got my sleep pattern back eventually and that this time it would be the same. It was just an unfortunate side effect post pregnancy for me and I just had to ride it out.

  4. I never cancelled plans even if I'd had no sleep. I realised when I was at my lowest I wasn't doing anything or seeing anyone which is just more time to think and think and think and think....

I started to get better gradually and even if I managed just four hours sleep I would mentally congratulate myself and start to see it as a positive rather than a negative.

Of course all of this was helped hugely with AD's. I resisted for months and months but once they kicked in properly I wondered why I hadn't just taken them sooner.

Is there a reason you're not keen on starting back on the mirtazipine?

Thinking of you xx

countrylover · 24/02/2012 18:13

I forgot the other big one which I still use daily even now. I can't remember the proper name for it but it's a way of dealing with intrusive thoughts.

As soon as you start having them you immediately focus your brain on something else. For example, you're thinking - I've only had two hours sleep - but before you can get further down the line of - I can't cope, I'm a bad mother etc - you switch your focus to something real and tangible. Mine is always reading out everything I can see at that moment and being really descriptive about it - there's a table, it's made of wood, there are four chairs next to it, there's a window, it has glass in it. It's a way of refocusing your mind on the present.

I often find myself doing it while I'm driving because for some reason as I seem to get intrusive thoughts then about sleep or work. So I regularly read out number plates and colours of cars in my head. It really does work though - it makes you stop thinking about whatever it is which is making you anxious.

You do have to practice practice practice. It doesn't work immediately as your brain will fight it but I've been doing it for two years and I can switch over really easily now.

I started doing it when I was at my lowest and thought it was a load of old crap but it was just another one of those small things which helped towards recovery.

Original poster
GetDownYouWillFall · 25/02/2012 12:49

Thank you countrylover that is so helpful. I'm going to read and re-read your points and really try and take them on board.

OP posts:
Original poster
GetDownYouWillFall · 25/02/2012 13:22

Sorry for not writing much, I have to see to the baby and don't get much time on the computer at the moment.

Last night was much better. I did take a zopiclone though, which isn't ideal, but I just really really needed to sleep. Went to bed about 8pm and woke up at 6am, then dozed till 8 so not too bad. As zopiclone has quite a short half life I have been able to breastfeed again today, DH just gave him bottles last night.

Feel a lot calmer today having had sleep... trying to keep those negative thoughts at bay. country you are so right about the intrusive thoughts. I get them a lot. They are usually "what if...." kind of thoughts, which are really not helpful and make me catastrophise a lot. It's a good idea to try and block them in the way you describe.

chiefpotterer thanks, yes I think you are right. I will take the mirtazapine properly. I was just hoping to not have to go back on it. I was on it for 18 months after DD was born (along with a whole host of other drugs). My experience after DD has made me quite drug-averse (had a terrible time with side effects). However, I do get on well with mirtazapine and am not against taking it entirely. I do find the sedative effect best when taken sparingly, but perhaps I just need to admit that I need it continually for a while to control my anxiety and negative thoughts.

OP posts:
madmouse · 25/02/2012 13:34

Rather than apologising for not posting as much I'd say well done for posting.

Glad you had a bit of sleep and that the occassional zop. doesn't stop you bf - and how fab you are continuing to bf :)

I must be honest and I really think you would do yourself a favour by going back on ADs properly. No one says it has to be for 18 months or whatever, but I do think you need them right now.

Thinking of you - hugs xx

kizzie · 25/02/2012 14:45

Hi getdown just logged on to see if you had a better night last night. So glad you did :-) x

BeckyBendyLegs · 26/02/2012 08:47

Hi GetDown hope you are ok x

Original poster
GetDownYouWillFall · 26/02/2012 09:39

A terrible night of no sleep Sad

Am really trying not to panic.

I may not be around for a while. Can't focus on anything at the moment.

OP posts:
BeckyBendyLegs · 26/02/2012 11:19

GetDown :( So sorry :( I've been there. It is hard.