I'm going away soon but before I go I just wanted to say

[Memoo]

Good bye and thak you to all those who have shown me such kindness and compassion over the past few years.

Its been a bumpy road but I'm at journeys end.

See you on the other side xxx

Memoo

Hello my lovely. I'm going to PM you. xx

I'm going to be really honest even.

I'm not going to do anything at the moment. I have 3 dc who need me. But one day I am going to end my life. Beyond caring for my children I don't see the point in it all. I want to go to sleep and never wake up and one day that's what I'll do.

I can contain it, keep it under control. But make no mistake, I smile and laugh and join in with life because that's what the people around me need to see. I do it all for them but one day I'll do something for me and that will be to bring my life to an end.

I'm not upset or emotional about this, infact I feel quite calm. This is my life and I feel very strongly that I should have the right to decide when it ends.

My soul needs to be free and by killing myself all I am actually doing is allowing my soul to leave my body and be free.

I've done the therapy, hospital, meds etc. They don't work. This is just how it is and nothing will change that.

So sorry you feel like that and i hope that one day you will think differently and feel happy with what you have. Your children will always need you, your grandchildren will need you and your friends will need you.

I understand that you have tried therapy etc, so have i and for me it hasn't worked either but i could never put my children through what my dh went through when he found him mum hanging from a rope, that day his heart was torn from him and he has suffered every day sinse it happened. Do you really want to put your children through that? (it will be just as hard what ever age they are). You have a whole life ahead of you and you can make it work, just don't give up.

How wonderful for you. I hope you realise that many, many people on here read your op last night and did become emotional and upset, and were not calm AT ALL. And that some people have personal experience of suicide and you reminded them?

If you can contain it then please do so from now on and avoid posting such op's... if you can't make sure and see someone ASAP...

Good lord the internet is not the place for this. You sound like you do need help actually and this is not the place to air this stuff and then come back like this. I didn't post last night but saw this and was concerned. And felt for you 'friends' who were so stressed yet you come back and say Actually its on hold now .

Glad to see your still with us Memoo. Was very worried about you as we're all mums betters who posted on this x

Memoo I'm so sorry you feel like that.
Hope you don't mind but I am going to c&p somthing that I posted under a different name. Don;t know if it will make you think differently, and many many apologies if I reposting it is the wrong thing to do.

I have experience of my mum committing suicide.
Yes I have lovely wonderful memories of her, and yes she adored me, but every day I have to fight to make those memories the ones that count. The other memories are too awful. My mum took an overdose. My Dsis (then 19) found her after 24hours. Mum had been in the house all along, we just hadn't realised. My Dsis has never recovered. The last image in Dsis head of mum is an awful one. My sister and I are incredibly close but even now she finds it hard to talk about the day she found mum. Nor will I recover from seeing my mum in a coffin.
When mum died it wasn't peaceful, it wasn't like going to sleep.
It was violent,ugly,dirty and bloody and I truly believe that at the point of no return she must have thought WTF am I doing.
Added to that the police investigation afterwards (yes, police in our house the day we found her questioning all of us) the inquest, the stares from so-called friends, the gossip, the first time I gave birth, my wedding day, it is relentless. I am reminded in one way or another EVERYDAY that my mum chose not to be here.
Please, please, all I say is do all you can to not make that choice.
I'm so sorry if this post upsets you, as I realise (and understand) you need a place to come and confide your darkest feelings.
If I have gone too far, tell me and I will ask to have my post deleted.
Wishing you all strength

Just realised I posted that message last June and it was on one your threads Memoo

Memoo, I am so sorry to read that you feel like this, but glad you are not doing anything soon.
At what point do you think your DCs will stop needing you. I am 32 and still need my mum. I would imagine that will continue until she is old and frail enough to need me more (hopefully not for ages, she is in her 50s :o)
I'm sure plenty of people have told you this but you do realise you are ill don't you? And life doesn't have to be like this? There is no reason why yuo can't enjoy life.
And on another matter, how's potty training going? I spoke to you about it aaages ago, we are just getting there. Surely life will improve when you no longer have to face someone else's poo on a daily basis :o

I do know I'm ill stealth. People dont always get over their illness though do the they. Sometimes people die. There are even clinics where you can pay and they help you end your life.

Stickafork, I'm so sorry

Oh God Memoo. This is devastating to read. I do not know what has happened in your life that you feel this is the only way out for you. You have obviously suffered pain in your past, but you can either allow those emotions to consume you or look at all the good things that you have in your life right now. I understand this is a very simplistic view of things, but surely Dc's are the best reason to get help and want to live.

memoo i know you have had a lot of treatment over the last couple of years. And the correct thing hasnt worked YET. Please remember YET. i remember reading Sally Bramptons book and various articles (you can find many of them on the internet) and it took her a long time and many many different medications & treatments until she started to get better properly.

She had severe suicidal ideation during that time - but life is so much better for her now. (You might have seen her writing in The Times.)

I know from all your previous posts that you havent been like this all of your life. At the moment it seems so overwhelming because its taken up so much of the last couple of years. But it hasnt always been like this - and one day things will seem better.

There is only so much help you can get on the internet. please please speak to people in RL.

And ignore any of the negative / frustrated messages on here if they upset up. Thankfully not everyone has to go through MH issues - so they may not fully understand. x

Do you have a physical illness, meemoo? or any other factors impinging on your life?

Depression is awful, because there is no end in sight. (Partly because of this I don't see why you shouldn't make whatever plans you want for the future)

I was depressed, severely depressed, it lifted oh so slowly. The more moderate depression I felt since then has lifted since I have taken steps to end its source: my marriage. Since then I have felt incredibly stressed, at times, but not depressed. I knew the stress would lift - and it did - and come back - and it did - and lift again...

It is hard to identify the source of depression while you are depressed, sorry it's more questions, it usually is with me :)

Memoo No need to say sorry to me I was trying to make you see that what you see as an end would actually be the beginning of years of heartache for your DC.

No, you're right they don't. And Tbh I know very little about this so I'm not going to impart my wisdom :) but I am here if you need a listening ear or chat.

They don't end your life because you are depressed.

Memoo - have replied to you xx

Memoo - I can't say much except that my Mum died just before my 40th birthday, not exactly through choice but she suspected she had cancer and did nothing about it until it was too late and the only care available was palliative. So in a way, she chose it by refusing to face her illness until it was way too late. She was 63 and that still feels way too young for her to have left us. She never saw my DS, even though I was pg when she died.

But that is my pain, my selfishness - I wouldn't have chosen to keep her alive in the state she was in for long enough to see DS (it would have been several months). The thing is though, that her disease was terminal (and to be fair to her, probably would have got her even if she had gone to the docs earlier).

I know you have had all sorts of treatments, drugs, therapy etc. and that nothing has worked yet - but there is still hope that something will. Your pain is real but your illness itself isn't terminal - and I hope, hope, hope that you won't let it be so. Keep going with the various different treatments - I pray that one day one of them clicks and that you get a breakthrough and the pain goes away.

Keep posting in MH - be safe - lots of love. xxx

Memoo, hang in there and keep going until they get it right.
And believe me, there is no time that your children won't need you. My Mum is in her late sixties, I am in my early forties and I still need her. Your job is to keep fighting to get better. And if you keep fighting you will succeed.

This is so sad. I was once depressed. Over that silly thing called love. And I felt exactly like Memoo. I wrote the exact same words that she wrote in this thread when she was explaining when and why she will wind up killing herself.

Those words are thought and sometimes written by all who feel low at points in their lives.

I am now happy again, love life, and am ashamed of myself for wanting to die.
Ashamed.
I say a prayer to life daily to make up for not being grateful for this beautiful gift of coming to earth, a lone planet that holds life, out of so many lifeless planets out there.

Please, see the bigger picture, life is beautiful, it can be beautiful again for you, too, and one day you will read those very same words, written by another, and recognise them as the words of somebody who just needs to hang in there, just a little bit longer, because there is light again, and once you find it, you will thank your lucky stars that you never allowed yourself to be beaten by what you think has a hold on you forever.
It's not forever.
Kick it away from you.
Start to love life again.
Sending positive sweet thoughts your way.

BayPolar - I don't think you quite understand the gravity of memoo's condition, tbh.

BayPolar - I'm sure your heart is in the right place, but you being depressed over a lost love and what Memoo goes through are poles apart.

Memoo - I only just found this thread a few minutes ago and even though you are 'ok' my heart is still pounding. [Please ignore the posts 'telling you off' they are just a couple of people who (fortunately for them) have no understanding of mental health issues.] I really fear one day reading a post like that from you and that being the last I hear from you... I don't think that you really understand or believe how much of a connection to you so many of us have. I would be really, truely upset if you suddenly stopped posting and I would always think/worry about you. You are not just an internet name to me, nor many others.

You know, many of us, who haven't any real reason to feel this way, wonder what it's all about & seriously think it feels a bit pointless. We don't all wake up with boundless energy and A Life Plan - for most of us it's getting though, day to day.

I don't think that everyone else has the life/thoughts/feelings you think they do.

Nothing has worked for you yet, try to keep your mind open, because wouldn't it be amazing if you could find the key to letting your soul be free without you needing to die, without your children (no matter what age they are, they will always be your children & will always need you) losing their Mum.

Big hugs my friend x

Thumb - great post, I'm so sorry that your mum didn't get to meet DS xx

Memoo - I've PMd you xx

How do you know that posters have no experiences of mental health issues? It may be that they have been through exactly what memoo is going through and have come out the other side.