'Billy-no-mates'. What the hell is going on? .... I've had enough

[pumpkinpie06]

Hi everyone - that is if there is anyone reading this. Forgive me for being cynical but - really - sometimes I think I must be an experiment on the Truman Show.

I'd be interested to know if heres anyone else who is suffering in the same situation as me - I hope not - as I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

Okay - I'm in my late 20's with three wonderful daughters and a caring husband. BUT since I moved to this area 10 (yes 10) years ago I feel like I must be walking around with either a/extremely bad breath or b/ body odour (or maybe I'm just a really horrible person?!?).

I've met people and made aquantances .... but as it stands there is not 1 single person who I can truly call a close friend. Some people just don't bother getting in touch, others make plans to meet but then keep cancelling until I can't be bothered any more. Some people go so far as to be quite standoffish ...WHY????

I'm not rude, I try to be kind, friendly and helpful when I can be. I am not desperate (thankfully I dont mind my own company too much and my kids keep me busy). I am not overbearing or have a very loud embarrasing laugh (at least I dont think so!)

I think you get the idea.

I SERIOUSLY feel like I am on the outside looking in and it only seems to get worse. More than my concern for myself (even though I admit I have been close to suicidal) I am concerned for my children as I need to be role model for them and I should be setting a good example of how to be sociable etc.

Sorry - I'm going on.

I've even tried the 'meet ups' on mumsnet and was met with a, shall we say, 'lukewarm' response.

Please help

Have to go and pick my daughter up in a mo so just a quick response. I often feel like you. Have lived here for about 8 years and have a small handful of friends I guess some areas are more difficult to penetrate (cities tend to be harder than small village commuinities iyswim). Will check back on this thread later this afternoon.

Im sorry you are feeling down atm pumpkin.

Whereabouts are you?

I was struggling to meet people when i moved 4 and a half years ago but have to say that since coming on mumsnet and one other parent site a couple of months ago i have made a couple of friends and im not a naturally sociable and outgoing person.

I doubt very much its you as such. Have you thought that maybe its how you are perceiving things to be?

Hello CM!

HI QV . See pumpkin you do make friends on here given time. I "met" VVVQV on here then at a big meet-up before xmas and now she is coming over to metomorrow for coffee.

Hi VVV

You know - I really am not sure if it's just the way I see it.

One example ... a lady I met through school. One minute she's fine next thing she's just snubbing me??

I couldn't understand it .... I kept acknowledging her but there was definately something wrong. My husband did the school run and even he said she was cold toward him ... she's been fine with everyone else.

I just don't know ... it makes me feel like curling up in a ball and hiding at home where no-one can hurt me

i know what you mean pumpkin.i moved to wales 10 years ago.ive got 5 kids and dh.my mum lives nearby,but shes always too busy to even come and see her grandchildren.i did have friends when i first moved here,but i think alot of them just went back to their own lttle collection of friends.i'm stuck in the house all day,as i cant drive.where we live is a very welsh speaking community and you do get alot of the little groups at school who dont let you in,they'll say hi,but then carry on speaking welsh,knowing full well that you cant speak welsh.idid try learning,but its hard fitting it in with the kids.

Hi CM too ... thanks for posting on here

BTW I am in Berkshire

How old are your daughters? I have found that since ds started nursery I've finally started to meet like-minded people ie the other mothers. They're not going to be my best friends but we do meet up occasionally.

I have lived in this are for 5 yrs and have not made any new non-nursery-mother friends. Once you come out of educaton and are not working it's very diffcult to find friends - don't be too hard on yourself, it's not you, just the situation.

Hi Steph ... yes that must be tough with the language barrier. ooops dh is home and wants to pinch the laptop ..... back in 5 mins:-)

Bit too far from me - im in North London.

Sometimes, things dont work out when you meet people - you cant expect to like everyone you meet and vice versa.

However, when i went to the huge London meet up, where i first met CM, i felt awkward, and was very nervous and hid in the corner most of the evening, sure that people wouldnt like me, would think i was boring etc etc. (I was also slightly unaware that i was suffering from PND at the time.....).

Anyway, it turns out that most people felt quite similarly to me, and after admitting this (on a daft attempt-at-name-change thread), some of the people who were there that night or read the thread were great, and reassuring etc and i have become friends with quite a few now.

i have met some other people here and there and for one reason or another it just hasnt worked out.

Also, as a point of fact, there is a mum in my area who regularly arranges meet ups with other mums and 9 times out of 10 on the day of the meet ive either got something else planned, one of my two or me has been ill and it never works out. It doesnt mean i dont like her, its just that fate keeps intervening!

Hope that helps anyway. Sorry its a bit of a ramble!

Thanks VVV .. I totally agree - you can't expect to get along with everyone

.... but anyone....?

I guess it's just the way it's going to be for me. No kidding - this isn't a 'one off' I've met a lot of people in the last 10 years and to be honest I'm just tired of trying now.

I appreciate everyones responses
...all the best xxxpp

awww - dont be like that! we are all lovely here

keep trying - there are lots of us in the same boat i assure you.

x

hi. I am in exactly the same boat. I stand on my owm on the playground every day waiting for ds to come out of school while all around me are little groups of chatting mothers. I don't fit in with any of them. I have tried but feel really awkward butting in to any of the groups like I'm intruding or something. HAte it hate it hate it!!!!
If I do speak to anyone I than go home and spend the evening worrying if they think I'm pushy or boring. And then it all starts again the next day. Hate it!!!

Hi Groat

In that case I think I've found a soul mate

(uh oh ... was that the wrong thing to say lol .) Yes - scared to say the wrong thing now incase that is he source of the problem. Makes you very aware of everything you say

I, too, detest the school run. It has become a real test of will to walk through the playground each day (3 times a day as have 1 at pre-school and 1 at infants).

What to do eh!?!

Hi Pumpkin! I moved over here from SE London nearly 4 years ago and am in the same situation as you. I work full time so don't really get to meet many of the mums from school but on the few occasions I collect DS2 fron school or go to Sports Day they seem a really clique -y bunch. DH is a member of an AmDram group (luvvie!!) and there are quite a few women members (or wives of members) but, again, if you're not a member of the group they are a difficult lot to make friends with, even though I help out at shows selling programmes etc. Before I moved I had lots of friends, about 4 or 5 I'd class as really close friends, so I'm not a weirdo but I really am struggling and find life very lonely over here as it's difficult to get back over to where I used to live to see people as often as I'd like. DH hasn't got many friends either (bless!) so I find myself just longing for an evening when a few friends come round for a drink and supper. Gawd...I sound like a saddo - perhaps that's the problem!

Hi there pumpkin........I'm another one in the same boat in July I moved away from all my family and friends where I had lived all my life (35 years) I now live in an army quarter surrounded by army wives. I take my dd to playschool I have not met anyone. Weeks go by when the only people I speak to are my dd or dh (apart from on the phone) It all feels a bit clicky and I too feel like I don't fit it at all.
I can't see it getting any better when she's goes to school either, it is difficult, I thought I was quite outgoing but its obviously not the case. Thank god for MN it really is nice to talk to people who are feeling the same!!
XXXX

Hi MissPiggy

Where did you move to? I've met people like that - usally at mums & tots groups ... a nice concept in theory but in practice often rather torturous affairs!

I still keep in touch with one of my closest friends from before I moved to this area but - as you said - sometimes you just want a conflab and few glasses of chablis (or whatever takes your fancy).

Similarly - my husband has never been very socially minded. The difference between us is that with him it's always been that way and he's ok with it. For me - i used to have friends and so it gets me down.

How old is your DS. My dd's are 6, 3 and 1 x

I hope that some likeminded people on this thread get comfort from these messages. I have!

Post your areas ... some of you might be within a reasonable distance to organise a 'meet up'

I already tried a meet up in my area but not much response.

Lets all reassure ourselves that we are not saddo's that deserve to be left out in the cold.

I BET EVERY SINGLE PERSON WHO HAS POSTED IS A WARM AND WORTHWHILE PERSON - KEEP GOING

Pumpkin - I've just re-read the thread and I'm in Berkshire as well!! ...Sandhurst - do you know it? I've 2 DSs - they're a bit older than yours. DS1 is 15 (and don't I know it ) and DS2 is 9, nearly 10. Onefootinthegravy (cool name BTW!) - have you tried the Wives Club? I work with the Army so know that they can be a bit difficult to get involved in sometimes depending on the wives who go but it might be worth a try?

hey - not far MP I'm in Wokingham!

Do you drive?

We moved here 5 years ago - but my kids are now at secondary school and so I don't get to see the school gate mums. I started a bookgroup in our village and it has given me a whole new circle of friends BUT... I now recognise that i am just not the kind of person to have one or two really close frieds. My DH and I are really best friends and then I have lots of casual friends - I am fine with that now but I have had to recognise that I just don't make best buddies. It has made me sad at times but when I think of my Mum (now dead) and my daughters, we are all the same - outgoing but also quite independent and private. Anyone know what I mean???

Wokingham?! Yes, I drive (hardly any public transport around here so would be lost without a car!)I was at the Wokingham Tesco on Tuesday - small world! I've got to dash and collect DS1 from basketball practice but will be back on here tonight if you're around?

ok MP - speak then

Thanks Miss Piggy, will give it a try - Great thread pumpkin - I'm in Tidworth, near Andover anyone alse around this area who feels like a lost soul????