Health anxiety again

[angsty]

Hi (namechanged as am feeling silly about how I am feeling right now). I know there was a helath anxiety thread last year but it hasn't been written on for a while so I didn't know if I should resurrect or start a new one...

I have suffered from health anxiety to quite a severe degree since the birth of my DS 2 and a half years ago. I have gone from neurological diseases, to gynae problems to breast cancer (well, I did get a recall for an apparantly abnormal mammogram which was terrifying, but it turned out to be OK). As soon as I am reassured about one thing I get anxious about another and actually develop symptoms. Until I was reassured about the breast I felt breast pain, now the pain has moved to my armpit and I have weird feelings down my arms. I am terrified of multiple sclerosis now. I have seen numerous specialists and am on an antidepressant can't shake it. I have also had CBT, which was a bit of a help but has not stopped this.

I just can't get rid of the fears. I am an older mum, my child probably has special needs (still being assessed) and I am the family breadwinner, so I have terrible fears about not being around for him, or able to provide for him.

I don't really know what I am looking for, just a connection with others in this position I suppose...

"...I'm waiting to die...".

That is how I feel too.

Piggy my dh says I'm so worried about dying I'm not even living. He's so right.
Shit about your friend, that's ridiculously young to have bowel cancer.

Ditto that......my DH says exactly the same...except im not so frightened of dying. Im more scared of having something terrible diagnosed and living with it, if you understand me.

The thinking there is that normality would change forever and i quite like how things are right now......

It's so good to know that I'm not the only one who feels like this - so much of what you have all written rings true for me too. I really relate to the waiting to die thing. Am having a bad day today - have several big bruises and finding it hard to rationalise them.

I also think there is a real stigma attached to "hypochondria" - not sure why but the thought of being labelled neurotic really upsets me - possibly because I am a pretty rational person with other things. Part of my fear is control related - I'm a rel control freak, but being seriously ill is something you have no control over at all.

Yes, 'hypochondriac' has all sorts of horrible associations. It implies being weak, pathetic, attention seeking... . Actually when I'm in a bad patch I have to use all my strength just to function normally; to get the kids to school, to speak to their teachers, to keep the house running is all I can do. And I do my best to avoid any attention at all and I completely withdraw from everyone around me.

My biggest fear is living with illness, the constant threat and tension that it brings. And how the tiniest things that you never even knew about before take on massive significance; one number in a blood test or the gut aching nerves you feel before a single appointment with a consultant. I've been there before with both my parents and it's a place I am totally terrified of returning to. Illness is so, so wearing. I think about how I'd tell my friends and family I had cancer and how I'd explain it to my kids. We live in a very social, very connected community and our house has a big bay window right out onto the street where we see people we know walking past all the time. I think about how I'd not want to be here any more if I fell ill and how I couldn't stand constantly having to explain and update people on how I was. The strangest thing is that I love living here and how much neighbours and friends all look out each other. I can't believe how much this illness can get inside my head and twist what I love into something I'm afraid of.

At its worst, it completely fucks up my relationship with DH too. I have a little mental list of my single friends he could get together with after I died - the ones I'd hope could be a good mum to my children when I wasn't there. We've been together for 15 years and it's so painful to imagine that I'm replaceable but I know he's not the sort to stay single. While I've kept that list to myself, I have told him he has to move on from me after I'm dead. Even though I don't want him to and I don't want my kids to have another mum I think they'd be better off that way. When I've blurted just the edited version out to him he gets really upset.

I can't believe I just wrote that - sorry if that's TMI.

I just can't see myself in old age. No matter what I do I can only see myself dying young.

I am a complete control freak too I am so scared of not knowing what is after death. I sit and cry sometimes scared that it will be it I will never see my kids / loved ones again when I die . I hate hate feeling this way it is all consuming and I just want to be like worzuel gummage and change my head for a while :)

opps meant sad face .. oh well lighten the mood maybe?

I just found an overlooked bag of Salt and Vinegar Hula Hoops in the treats basket and gobbled the whole lot. That was a definite [happy] !

Does anyone else find, like i do, that the rrassuranfrom the GP is so short lived? I find myself struggling to trust them when they say im fine.......

*reassurance.....blardy phone

I suffer from HA too, in a really bad place at the moment. I don't even know where mine came from, just that I had a headache for weeks that wouldn't go. Somehow I convinced myself it was a tumour! I was back and forth to the gp's as I was getting other symptoms too, tingly face, head, arms legs etc, he told me it was just stress and not to worry and it would pass. Anyway it didn't I was very stressed, having frequent panics about these symptoms that before xmas I went to a & e, I ended up having a ct scan which was clear. I felt relief for a few days, then on xmas day I had a huge panic attack, all the symptoms came back and haven't gone since. I'm having an MRI on Sunday and as you can imagine I am convinced they will find something, particularly as my symptoms have got worse, shooting pains in my arms/legs, feel tired, it just goes on and on!! My doctor insists I'm fine and has referred me for CBT, but I can't phone until I know if I'm really ok or not. All I can see at the moment is a bleak future, I see myself in a wheelchair with my family looking at me in pity, whilst dh resents my existance. Definately not living at the moment, just waiting in fear. Sorry went on a bit there. Does anyone else suffer with physical symptoms. I do feel genuinally ill and never myself.

Yes, I think it is short lived because the need for it is a symptom of the illness. So while you are ill with anxiety, the reassurance you get from anyone won't have the desired effect. Also, if you're anything like me, you get the reassurance from a doctor, then you go away and a.) Think they've missed something and I'm going to be a medical mistake or b.) Move onto something else to worry about.

I belong here too

EddieV the symptoms you have are def thyroid related. I also have thryoid disease (Graves) and the anxiety, dizziness etc are known symptoms, usually of an undermedicated hypo. I've fallen over the dizziness was so bad, and of course in my mind it was a tumor.

Last few weeks I've been convinced a breakdown was coming. Started seeing a man's face whilst reading the paper or cooking or whatever. Cannot shake it out of my mind. Finally saw a decent thyroid doc on Sunday who asked how my vision was (you get eye problems with Graves). I told him I was seeing shadows out the corner of my eye, like fleeting, grey ghosts. He said 'do you see spiders scurry away on the floor?' and I almost fainted! I see them often. Turns out they are hallucinations! The thyroid hormones are so depleted they are attacking my brain. The man's face is part of this.

Was I reassured? Was I chooky!

It's a never ending effort to keep perspective.

jade when things are bad I get physical symptoms too. Stiff neck, headaches, lethargy... Then when things improve they go away. You are doing all the right things though and your GP sounds on it. They're ruling out the possibility of anything before they move on to treating your anxiety which is good.

perfumedlife I am going to have to say 'Was I chooky!' at least once today.

Tis good word MissB

I think it's important to recognise that the anxiety doesn't exist in a vacuum as is clear from people's experiences here. Traumatic childbirth, sick kids, undiagnosed parents and sudden deaths. It has to have a residual effect.

I was under six stone before thyroid was diagnosed and by then I'd mentally died many times over of multiple causes. A huge percentage of women have borderline or low thyroid levels and the blood tests are not terribly reliable. I urge worriers to ask their GP to check for this, and have the bloods taken early in the morning as it's the best time to show up any low levels.
You would be amazed at the symptoms of this, panic attacks, chest pain, breathless, vertigo, muscular pain, chronic fatigue, rapid heart rate, insomnia, the list is endless.

Perfumedlife, Im the opposite to Graves, I have Hashimotos.....only been on thyroxine just over a week but the dizziness is unreal. The doc thinks I have labyrinthitis on top of the thyroid disease......Im waiting for her to call me to discuss the dizziness as I can't take much more. Of course, I'm convinced its something major wrong in my head and I'm doomed........not having a good day today. I get more anxious though thinking that my GP must be sick to the back teeth of me..........

MissBetsy, yup what you wrote is exactly what I'm feeling.....paranoid today that the GP has been too quick to diagnose my dizziness as thyroid related/labyrintitis when really I'm worried its more serious.....I know if the dizziness would go then I would not feel so anxious about it, if that makes sense.

Sorry for rattling on, today is a tough day

Eddie you are underactive too though? I am now underactive because I had thyroid removed. The dizziness/vertigo was massively scary. And headaches, they lasted for six weeks, all over Christmas. If you have only been on thyroine a week or so it's too early for improvement really. It can take up to six weeks for it to reach optimum levels in your system. I found massaging my temples helped and some olbas oil on a tissue seemed to relieve it, no idea why.

Hang in there.

Thanks.........hanging in there, just. Doc still thinks the dizziness is viral labyrinthitis......plus thyroid issues at play. My thyroid tests came back with a TSH of 10, normal T4 but raised antibodies hence the diagnosis of hashimotos. Only been on 25mg thyroxine for 10 days, just finding it hard to cope with at the mo. Thank you for your advice though, its nice to talk to someone in the same situation.

Gosh, today really is a bad day. The dizziness is frightening, feel really spaced out and worried. Still not convinced I trust the GP.....

Hello, fellow HA loons!

I'm currently having a terrible flare-up. Bowel cancer this time. The last three days have been dictated by this obsession/fear. I am ashamed to say that I signed up to a bowel cancer forum to try and get my fears allayed. A forum where people actually battling BC post for support/help. I am such a tool.

Just started a higher dose of sertraline too which is throwing up its own set of side effects which tie in to my BC fixation. Fucking hate living like this. I wish there was an 'off' switch for anxiety.

Hi everyone, Can I join you all?

I have suffered with HA for about 18 months, was always a worrier but it has really taken off since the birth of my ds2 who is now 2.

Can I just ask you all, what are your physical symptoms of anxiety?

When i am very stressed i get shooting pains in my head, tingly kind of feeling on my forehead, dizzyness, nausea..of course all these symptoms lead me to believe I have a brain tumour which stresses me out even more and makes the symptoms worse and so on so forth!

Last summer, I started taking a cocktail of herbal tabs meant to help anxiety ad i started exercising/eating better every day and i would say I was 90% cured.

During the winter i stopped exercising and taking my herbal tabs and i have felt it all creeping back on me the last few weeks. I am going to start it all up again tomorrow because i cant go back to how i used to be.

Im fine during the day but once the kids go to bed, my mind starts to wander...

meant to add, for anyone who doesnt know of it, there is a great site called nomorepanic.co.uk and it had a great health anxiety forum.

Hi Soccermom :)

Can I ask what herbal tablets you were taking please?

Bupcakes, are you feeling any better today? I bet when you write your post it all sounds so logical that it is just anxiety and not bowel cancer but in reality the illogical worry just overtakes doesn't it?
We all know Dr Google makes things worse but his lure is irresistible when caught up in a health anxiety panic.
Welcome to the new people on here too.
Out of interest has anyone tried online CBT for their HA?

Hi knackered :)

I don't know if I feel any better tbh. You'll probably know what I mean when I say that the lines are ever blurring between what actual illnesses I do have and anxiety symptoms! It does make me feel better write down how I'm feeling, it's cathartic actually. I fucking hate Google! I wish i could block it from my laptop!

I haven't tried CBT. My doctor referred me for it, I went for the assessment and the CBT therapist said that I'd be a good candidate for it and they sent for me and I never turned up.

How are you doing today?