I can't take another year of this. Reclaiming my life from anxiety/depression/insomnia.

[racingmind]

Hi everyone.

Long story short- I have had recurrent episodes of anxiety and depression for most of my adult life and suffer from chronic insomnia. Since becoming pregnant 2 years ago I have been ill pretty much constantly- the anxiety in particular has been really bad. On a good day I struggle in particular with making any kinds of decisions and on a bad day i just struggle with life in general. I wake up a lot in the early hours flooded with adrenalin for no specific reason and am always tired and generally feel like crap.

I have a lovely partner who has put up with a lot due to my mental health but our relationship has been at breaking point many times recently as a result. We have aso had a massively stressful year for other reasons. I am overweight from the side effects of various meds, which is something I am actively trying to address. The dr is taking me off my sleeping pills over the next couple of weeks and I don't know how I'm going to cope with that.

Basically I have had 2 years solid of feeling bloody awful and I'm literally sick and tired of it. Its a new year and a fresh start and I'm determined to beat this somehow, for myself, my partner and most of all my little son as I don't want him to be affected by my probems. Like many people in my situation I guess, I have done the rounds with various mh professinals and I have to say that far more helpful to me is talking to other people who have had the same problems as I dont think you can really understand these things unless you have actually experienced them first hand.

When I say I want to beat this I dont mean I expect to wake up one day without any problems I just want my mental health to stop being the focus of my life and all this kind of hoping that the next tablet/ dr/ therapy will somehow "cure me". And when I say its best for me to talk to other ppl who've been through this I don't mean lets just have a good moan or dwell on all our problems on here, I guess I mean does anyone feel like starting a kind of mutually supportive, positive/ recovery focused style thread with me? To maybe share what works and keep each other going when things don't?

All the best, rm xxx

Hello, I have had Pre and Post Natal Depression, ordinary depression (sparked by death of father) and anxiety and depression brought on after viral meningitis.

I have struggled with insomnia for a long time too.

I am with you.

I have had one good therapist - who I saw for around a year - and she has really helped. In fact I would say that I am a LOT better but I still have to catch myself on falling back in and my anxiety still bubbles quite badly.

However, I haven't been able to 'let' (and I know that word is wrong, it implies it is a choice) myself fall down for the last two years, because my DH has serious depression. He is getting a bit better but for 18 months it was like having three children - him and my two DDs. I felt I had no choice but to carry on. I am still on Sertraline 50mg which helps. So in a way, I cannot focus at all on what is happening with me inside.

I have some New Years resolutions too, because I am aware I cannot continue at this level of support for DH, and working full time, and trying to keep buoyant, for the children, forever. I need to do things to help ME and it sounds like you do too. And I would love to support you.

1. Alcohol - I self medicate. I know this makes my sleep SO bad. SO much worse. So I stopped drinking on 30th December and I am taking it one day at a time (might sign back on to Brave Babes thread). Do you drink?

What sleeping pills are you taking? I take Stilnoct 5-10mg but I try not to now as I feel they affect my memory. But waking up at 1am and knowing that's that for the night is unhelpful. So no booze.

1. Exercise - I joined a gym in December and am easing my way back in. I need to do this for me. I enjoy exercise once I am into it again. I feel this is an extravagance but I deserve it - I am trying to think I deserve it. Could you do exercise? It does help with sleep (and weight, I need to lose weight too)

1. Doing things with kids at weekends - going to take DD1 to ballet, DD2 swimming at the weekend, to spend real good time with them. There is also a fab museum with lots of activities. I need to get over my fear of taking them both out at once, as I get worried about it for some reason, and it feels like a mammoth task.

1. Self awareness. Knowing myself. Valuing myself. I would like to start writing a diary. And putting myself first sometimes. My DH is getting better at helping round the house etc, and I need to take a break sometimes. I want to read more, and indulge myself in reading in bed with tea and biscuits etc, instead of running around all the time. I think it's a struggle for me to value myself equal to others - probably owing to a terrible relationship with my mother. I would like to trust my decisions too, as you say it is exhausting and horrible to not know what to do.

1. My mother. No idea what to do about that one. She is VERY narcississtic. But I am going to (slowly) try to work it out.

That's enough for now I think. Do any of these resolutions sound like practical steps for you too?

Hi racingmind
one of my NY resolutions is to do more walking.
Good for mental health, free, might help with your weight loss and also insomnia.
I dont think exercise is the 'fix-all' but I try to think of treatment as a basket full of different things - all doing a little bit to help.
Hope things get better this year.

Me too. I suffer from mild bouts of anxiety and take ages to fall asleep. I hate the adrenaline surges and am sometimes incapable of holding a conversation for an hour or so. Mine always hits in the evening and is worse when I get tired. Have just got a treadmill so hoping exercise will help as also overweight. Hope you start to feel better. Anxiety is shit.

Thank you so much for your replies!

Yes, kizzie walking is very much on my new agenda too. Was trying to swim or walk most days when I could but have to admit abysmal weather has made me cop out of it recently. I am also alone with my son for weeks on end due to circumstances so that kind of limits me with the gym but no more excuses as walking can be done with him in the buggy!

I believe exercise is a great antidote to all of these problems, motivation is my main stumbling block but its all about breaking cycles I guess.

Wow, cristiane, where do I start. You and I have a fair old amount in common girl! My dp has no real mh issues (aside from stress due to how things have been these last 2 years) but I can totally imagine how hard that makes things when you have your own issues to contend with, having had a relationship with a depressive partner in the past (whole other story). I also had a major episode of depression when my father died several years ago and it was around this time i became addicted to sleeping pills for the first time. I was off them for years until everything reached rock bottom last year. Its zopiclone that is my nemisis. Am now down to half a 7.5mg tablet a night as i know the dr is going to stop prescribing soon and yup, I also have 1-2 small glasses of wine to get me off to sleep every night and this is the only time I ever really feel relaxed. I never drink an more than this as a a hangover would crucify me right now but yes, it is self medicating but I'm afraid that at this stage with coming off the zopiclone soon Im not quite ready to give up altogether right now.

Narcissistic mother- yup, yup,yup. Very difficult relationship and just to put the icing on my cake she also died suddenly last year. Dont want to go into too many more details like that as makes me feel a bit exposed on here but feel free to pm me about it if you want because I went through years of fun with that one and I totally get it.

Anyway thats enough about the past. More exercise and trying to keep busy with stuff that distracts me from my anxious thoughts thats a start I think. Onwards and upwards ladies, onwards and upwards.

Hi spudinvasion and drumlin I just x posted with you there.

Drumlin I have a silly aversion to meditation as I have tried it so many times in the past and never been able to stick to it as I just cannot stop my mind going but I know it works very well for a lot of people. Thank you so much for the recommendation tho x

Hi there - I'm new to Mumsnet but am always drawn to people with anxiety and depression stuff as I've had massive anxiety problems ever since i was in my twenties and got worse after each of my three children were born. Apart from the awfulness of the symptoms, I always felt so alone and desperate when the anxiety struck.. I have found that a combination of anti-depressants, excercise and mindfulness have felt me enormously. I really struggle to put the time aside (10 mins a day) but it really helps. Actually I don't call it meditating as that sounds too difficult, I just think of it as sitting with myself and trying to allow myself to experience the anxiety and awful feelings without fighting them or trying to analyse them, just for ten minutes. My family think I'm odd when I announce I'm off to "breathe on my own" for ten minutes, but it's worth it. My mind still races but it even helps just to get a bit of space and take a few deep breaths on my own.

You are both right I know. I used to do reiki it worked wonders but I have just never been able to get back in the frame of mind where I can face doing stuff like that. I find reading books or magazines the only way to clear my mind really. Austin alone and desperate is just how it all makes you feel.

racingmind Sending you sympathy and big hugs, I have been where you are and it is not nice.
I took Zopliclone for a couple of months for insomnia before being diagnosed with depression and I cannot begin to explain to you the difference I felt in my mind and soul when I came off it.

I like you was dreading coming off it as I was so petrified of the insomnia reoccurring but I just bit the bullet and came off it once I was giving an anti-depressant with sedative qualities (Mirtazapine 30 mg).

I had one night of nightmares and sweats but after that I have slept like a baby and the difference to my mental health has been amazing.
Maybe you have already tried anti-depressants or there is a reason why you cannot take them, if not I would strongly recommend giving the right one a go within about 10 days I got my life back and I have been fully well for over 2 months now. Keep on asking for help - it is there and you can be helped- do not accept that you have to be anxious/depressed. I was given the right medication as soon as I was referred to a CPN (Community Psychiatric Nurse) and I am eternally grateful to her for giving me my life back and helping me get rid of the awful anxiety and more awful depression that I suffered for those months previous.
I really hope you feel much better soon.

Just wanted to let you know that I took Austins tips tonight and spent 10 minutes sitting quietly and feeling the anxiety, just letting it come. I'm not suggesting it as a.miracle cure but.I do feel.oddly peaceful.

Can't be arsed to erase extra .... Bleeding touch phones.

Nright all. Hope you manage to get some rest.

Hello racing mind - seems we have a lot in common there. I am too tired to write much just now. I have come home and dh is not having a good day, which means there is a lot of clutter etc and restless children and so on, so I have spent a lot of this evening doing the usual running around. Have been thinking about this thread though.

I saw there are some mindfulness apps for iPad and iPhone and I thought I might try it. I did listen to an audio book on bus to and from work which is lovely.

I will pm you about your mother and your experiences, I am so interested.

Let us know how your night goes.

Morning all.

Ds ws awake early doors today so am absolutely shattered and first day back at work, oh well.

I have had a life long problem with sleep, haver tried everything from hypnotherapy to homeopathy to psychotherapy and all thats ever worked is drugs sadly. I cannot imagine what it is like to be able to fall asleep and stay asleep all night naturally and am very envious when I see people who can just nod off on the train and stuff like that it kind of fascinates me in a way.

redhead thats very interesting what you say about zopiclone. This time I've been on it for about 8 months solid. I was on mitrazapine as well but put on a lot of weight very quickly on it which had such a negative effect on me I had to stop it. I also take seroquel for anxiety but I feel like i cant get to sleep without the zopiclone. Its so bloody addictive. I want to be off it but it scares me as the lack of sleep is the biggest factor in my mood day to day.

Anyway, you are right I dont have to accept being anxous and depressed that was kind of my thinking behind this thread. I just can't have all this shit in my head anymore. Enough is enough.

racingmind glad to hear you are feeling so positive about overcoming the anxiety and depression. You can do it, if I did anyone can. I was in a very bad way for a while and I can truly say I feel exactly like my old self now. I too have gained weight on Mirtazapine but I had gotten so skinny it is welcome!. Keep asking for help, change meds where necessary and above all keep thinking positively you know yourself you will get better it just takes time and patience (which I know is very difficult to grasp in the thick of it).

ps I too felt I would never sleep without the Zopliclone and I can still remember vividly that chemical taste It used to emit just before it knocked me out for a few hours! - one day you will feel better and you just wont need it anymore. Don't worry just take whatever you need to get you through this stage im sure your GP can advise you of other options re meds should you wish to change x.

I'm so glad you managed to get off it before you were totally addicted like me. My weight gain has been terrrible for my self esteem which is a shame because mitrazapine has worked well for me in the past.

I'm back on my diet today. I really struggle with it and in general I dont believe in dieting but I have just had to bite the bullet (how many points in a bullet??) and do something drastic cos being fat makes me depressed. So probably does eating crap all the time so best course of action for the time being I think.

Was anxious this morning due to lack of sleep but determined to stay positive. As an accomplished catastrophiser I sometimes find it useful to think about all the thing that could have happened but didn't or how things could be so much worse. Maybe a more positive thing to do is list all the good things such as my son's good health and that I only have to work part time right now (I could not cope with full time), etc, etc. My job is not particularly stressful and for that I am hugely grateful. It is quite tiring, but there are worse things that a chronic insomniac could have to get through in a day.

Anyway, how is everyone else doing today? x

Hi all. Back.to work for me too today. Have struggled a bit today with health anxieties. I seem to.be directly affected when I speak to someone I know who is or has been seriously ill. Not helpful when you work in the nhs! Anyway, trying to distract myself.

Hope you all had a reasonable day.

Sorry you had an early start racing.

racingmind when my insomnia was at its worst (about a year of VERY little sleep) someone said something to me which rankled a bit at the time, but got under my skin, and I do think it's true.

He said, 'this lack of sleep won't kill you. Stop stressing about it. Stop worrying about it. You will sleep well at some point.'

Very simple, but I think true too.

But how to deal with it when it DOES happen? My lovely therapist who I had last year, when I was complaining about my tiredness, told me just to accept it, and put it in a mental box, close the box, and get on with my day.

These two things have helped me with my attitude to insomnia. It happens. I refuse to let it rule my life, so I try my damnedest to put it in a box and get on with the stuff that I want to get on with.

I get what you are saying there cristiane and to be fair i do pretty much get on with my life regardless of how much sleep i get. However when im really sleep deprived my body tends to run on adrenalin and this makes me horribly anxious. The difference a proper nights sleep makes to my mental is vast so the idea of coming off sleeping pills is pretty scary. It may not actually kill me thats true but it will probably make life pretty hard for a while and im just recovering from the really dark days where i would seriously contemplate suicide just to have some peace from the constant mental exhaustion. It also makes all the things i want to do for myself like healthy eating and exercise ten times harder. But i will do it, i have to get off them sometime.

racingmind you poor thing, it is so horrific. Insomnia is cruel in how much harder it makes everything feel. It is so cruel, and others don't have to deal with it which makes it very unfair.

You talk about exercise and healthy eating - I was wondering - can you slowly try to change things... So maybe just bundle up tonight and go for a ten minute walk after dinner? Come back and have a bath?

Have you had trouble getting to sleep/ staying asleep or both?

The mental exhaustion. How draining. Is there any activity you can do that takes you away from that - reading a book? ironing? drying your hair? having a bath? doing the crossword? tea and chocolate? Maybe if you could rest your brain from all the awful draining thoughts, and replace them with something you know you will enjoy that would help?

To answer you both- I find reading very therapeutic as you know you can watch tv and still think stressful thoughts but reading makes you concentrate on something else for a while. Audio book and comedy podcasts sound great ideas too- thanks Drumlin.

I can get to sleep as long as I've had all my tablets but i wake up too early absolutely flooded with adrenalin and my first thoughts are always that i really, really don't want to face the day ahead. First thing in the morning is just a horrible time for me mentally but the I just get up for the baby and get on with things. Its really about quality of sleep for me as even when it seems like I have had several hours I quite often still feel like shit.

I will get back to walking I just wont do it in the wind and rain, sorry if that sounds like a cop out. Am also going to start my swimming again when i have someone here to watch ds.

drumlin the audio books idea is great. racing I've been listening to audio book recently on bus to work and back and when I clear up the kitchen at night. It's very soothing.

The quality of sleep you are getting might improve once you're weaned off the sleeping pills, what do you think?

Could you listen to a story at night if you wake and can't sleep, on headphones perhaps? I used to listen to the world service but it'a bit tedious. I found audio books n cd at the library, and have started using them.

Are there are any flash points that you become particularly anxious about when you worry about the day ahead? Is it getting up, ready, deadlines, children, house... Maybe if we can break it down bit by bit you might feel better? Just trying to make one thing easier at a time.

Also I am sure you have done some good things today, and you should recognise them.

It gets much easier to exercise when the weather is better.

I feel so pathetic posting this as I know exactly how it makes me look. what is happening to me today is just part of every day life. I also said I didnt wnat this thread to just be a place to moan but I feel like I'm about to lose it.

Its 11.30 am and I haven't even washed or dressed yet. I have been trying to sort out my house which is a huge source of stress- we have no storage space, any cupboards are crammed so full I cant even get the doors shut properly and are so full of mess i would be ashamed for anyone to look in them. We do not have mases of possesions and I am not in any way a hoarder yet there are piles of clutter and mess, washing, paperwork etc literally everywhere I look. We have very limited space, I spend a good part of every day tidying, constantly washing dishes and cleaning surfaces etc but the place still looks awful and i'll take me a least another hour to get it looking bare minimum surface level acceptable. I would give anything to have the time and energy to clear out my cupboards and make more space but I am here by myself and I just dont.

My son is following me around the house either crying for attention or immediately undoing everybit of tidying up I do despite having numerous toys out (yes juts a normal baby I know). I just want a clean and tidy home to help calm my mind because I feel so panicky about the neverending mess and I just can get on top of it- i could bloody bang my head off the wall I'm so frustrated with my inability to cope like a normal person with these things.

I have to get to the supermarket which i dread as well. I could cry and cry today just for trying to lead a normal life. I'm just overwhelmed by things today I feel like I'm stuck in mental quicksand. Have not managed to stick to diet for one day yet either, its just all unravelling. AAARGH. Sorry I know how ridiculous and trivial all this sounds.