I can't take another year of this. Reclaiming my life from anxiety/depression/insomnia.

[racingmind]

Hi everyone.

Long story short- I have had recurrent episodes of anxiety and depression for most of my adult life and suffer from chronic insomnia. Since becoming pregnant 2 years ago I have been ill pretty much constantly- the anxiety in particular has been really bad. On a good day I struggle in particular with making any kinds of decisions and on a bad day i just struggle with life in general. I wake up a lot in the early hours flooded with adrenalin for no specific reason and am always tired and generally feel like crap.

I have a lovely partner who has put up with a lot due to my mental health but our relationship has been at breaking point many times recently as a result. We have aso had a massively stressful year for other reasons. I am overweight from the side effects of various meds, which is something I am actively trying to address. The dr is taking me off my sleeping pills over the next couple of weeks and I don't know how I'm going to cope with that.

Basically I have had 2 years solid of feeling bloody awful and I'm literally sick and tired of it. Its a new year and a fresh start and I'm determined to beat this somehow, for myself, my partner and most of all my little son as I don't want him to be affected by my probems. Like many people in my situation I guess, I have done the rounds with various mh professinals and I have to say that far more helpful to me is talking to other people who have had the same problems as I dont think you can really understand these things unless you have actually experienced them first hand.

When I say I want to beat this I dont mean I expect to wake up one day without any problems I just want my mental health to stop being the focus of my life and all this kind of hoping that the next tablet/ dr/ therapy will somehow "cure me". And when I say its best for me to talk to other ppl who've been through this I don't mean lets just have a good moan or dwell on all our problems on here, I guess I mean does anyone feel like starting a kind of mutually supportive, positive/ recovery focused style thread with me? To maybe share what works and keep each other going when things don't?

All the best, rm xxx

Hey everyone - thanks for welcoming me on to the thread and responding specifically here to racingmind - thanks I will try some books - downloaded 'Don't sweat the small stuff' onto my Ipad and read bits of it last night - am sure have read it before - in a former panic phase - but cannot remember when. I did find that when I kept waking up worrying in the night - I tried replacing the thought with another more benign one and it seemed to help me get back to sleep.

musomumtobe you poor thing. My anxiety flared up dreadfully, nay, excruciatingly during pregnancy. I refused all offers of medication due to - you guessed it - acute anxiety about the effects on baby - and honestly - just had to plod through each achingly hard day til baby arrived (two weeks late - thanks for prolonging the misery darling). It was the hardest 5 months of my life to date - but, what I can say, is that as soon as my baby was born - the flare up subsided significantly - to the extent that two days after the birth, I felt like me again, took pleasure out of life and enjoyed my gorgeous baby. I would recommend taking all types of help including CBT - just being able to articulate how you feel to someone independent, who will in return provide you with some practical strategies for managing your thoughts, will hopefully help. If your anxieties are, for example, specifically linked to the pregnancy, is there any way you can arrange for more frequent contact with your midwife to be reassured on a weekly basis that all is well? And it may sound controversial but I did find that continuing to work helped a little - as it meant I had to get out of bed and be functional and think of other things - it was a distraction - although by no means easy - but looking back I do think it helped. Keep posting and I'll do my best to be here for you albeit virtually. You will get through this, each day is a day towards potential relief in the form of birth and a gorgeous baby, and return to hormonal normality...

mumofstan - thank you for your comments, I appreciate it.

I am wondering what techniques other people use to control anxiety . How fo you distract yourself from obsessional thinking . ? I'm struggling a bit at the moment . Worried about money , blaming x h for not providing enough financial support, feeling guilty for not being able to make my marriage work, feel like I failed the kids . Feeling sorry for myself because I font have any extended family and only a couple of friends. Round and round it goes. The medication does help, but I need to work out some other ways of coping .

I agree distraction is the best antidote to anxious obsessive thinking. I write lists of things to do to keep me occupied all day so at least I will have acheived something despite my anxiety.

Having a really hard week. Very difficult watching my so go from baby to toddler. He was such a beautiful amazing baby and dp and I missed out on so much with him due to stress and illness and bereavement and I can't ever have that time back. I could cry for a week just thinking about that.

D and I also had a talk last night and agreed we both feel we have no real quality of life at the moment and all our time together is rushed and stressful.

Had a few bad nights sleepwise and am ashamed to say y darker thoughts have crept in a few times.

The second baby dilemma is awful drumlin but glad at least you understand. What are your pros and cons? x

Grr! lost a good post I was writing! Could this not be normal broodiness, as experienced by many women in all states of health and all times of life - I felt a bit broody a couple of years ago, and I'm well past menopause. I am not ready to be a gm yet (a longing to be one is what usually replaces broodiness as one gets older), am lucky to be honorary Nanna to a friend's 3 LOs though!

Had 2 consecutive nights when I couldn't sleep at all earlier in the week, due to the doubt and uncertainty of divorce negotiations with stbx. The ball is in his court, and he's not speaking to me, and we're under the same roof. Did meet a new MNer at 4 in the morning on Chat, her thread has now been moved to here in MH

Thanks guys to be honest its nice just to get responses as I'm really down tonight. Dp has been away 3 weeks and its impossible to explain to anone what that's like without just sounding like a self pitying whinger. Also people imagine how they would cope, and they think ok it would be hard but not that bad because they don't have mental health shit to deal with and no other support as well as their dp being away all the time. I do cope most of the time, but I also have, if I am totally honest, fleeting moments of thinking is this it? Is this my life now?

Anyway, I get what you are saying drumlin but I think its a bit different for me as I'm having to decide if ds will be an only child- which I would never have chosen for him. At least your two have eachother? I'm not trying to minimise your dilemma, but many people, without anxiety etc stop at 2 these days, as 3 is a lot for anyone to cope with so don't be hard on yourself. Maybe you have 2 boys/girls and want one of the opposite sex- I know a lot of people in this situation and I understand that longing too (not making assumptions btw). I always ideally wanted 3 kids as well but 2 would do me now, just so they have each other. But time is not on my side and dp's job is not going to change so how would I cope alone for 2-3 weeks at a time? Especially when lack of sleep is such a huge trigger for me.

I have put weight back on this week as well and am struggling dreadfully with the absolute loathing I have for the way I look now. I was an attratve vivacious woman (didn't realise it at the time of course) but now am a mishapen frump. God I really am low right now, sorry.

I have lost it. All my talk about fighting this, I cant. I argued with dp last night he called me self pitying he's probably right. My head has caved in, completely. I cant do anything but cry today. I am the lowest I have been in months feel like my head is being crushed. Had lots of plans for today but cant move, cant play with ds cant get out the house. Would like to just stop living.

Scared so have done something I would never usually do and called my friend but she is at work, she will call back but dont even know what to say. It all just sounds like self pity and whingeing as dp says. But I cant cope with this alne today for once I just cannot cope I am so low I am depressed in my bones.

I just feel very very unwell today.

Hello racing have a hug, relax and stop fighting it. Sometimes fighting it makes it stronger. There is some research that fighting horrible thoughts actually does make them worse.

Ignore what dp said, I am guessing he doesn't mean it, just feels stressed and helpless cos he can't make it all better for you

And well done for calling your friend.

Hi everyone ,
Just checking in. I've been ok the past couple of days , have been distracted by having a cold . How us everyone this weekend?

Morning ,
I seem to be recovering from cold finally.
Trying to think about what to do today , x h is taking the DS s out so have a free day. Am skint though so can't really go out . I have however started listening to podcasts , provide a useful distraction and are educational too. Have also just downloaded a sample of aliastar campbells ebook 'the happy depressive' didn't know he was a sufferer as well.

Ive heard him speak, he medicated with alcohol, then he lost it at some hi-powered do, security people found him in a paranoid state lighting a fire in a hotel room with gvt papers I think it was, this is just from memory so I hope I haven't got it wrong.

Hi all. Just wanted to say I don't know if there is any life left in this thread. Sorry I stopped posting i am really struggling with a bout of awful depression and I didn't want to just come on here and whine about it. Also I tend to start relying on the internet for support and thats not really healthy for me.

I really, really want to beat this, its crippling my life and especially my relationship right now.

Trying to get stuff done round the house, get a bit of exercise etc.

My biggest problem is forgiving myself for being the way I am - no energy, overweight, negative and moaney, catastrophsing everything rather than just being grateful for what I've got. Look in the mirror and just feel sick.

Racingmind have a big hug from me. I remember what it is like to feel like that, I would call myself a slug, charming eh? It's a fine line between getting support and obsessively internetting, but on balance for me the internetting has been good.

It's winter, spring seems a long way off. Is there is a seasonal aspect to your depression, I used to be so bad my friends knew to tiptoe round me in February. Not so now, one thing I did was train myself to notice that the days were getting longer.

Thanks. I don't think there is a seasonal aspect to me getting depressed unfortuneatley,as it has happened to me like this at all times of year. I wouldn't say it was obsessive internetting just I suppose seeking reassurance that there are others out there like me as have no one who gets me at all in rl. I don't suppose its that unhealthy.

How has everyone else been?

Hi racingmind dont beat yourself up about the 'obsessive internetting' and 'looking for answers'. Ive done that loads.

I agree with Drumlin that gentle distraction can be really helpful. I have even done Colour by Numbers in the past because its soothing and you have to concentrate without thinking too hard.

Hope things start to ease soon x

racing says her internetting wasn't obsessive - that was me. It brought me here though, so was well worth it.

I find Solitaire (Vegas rules) can be quite soothing, however if I'm too down I can't stop.

Sorry - hadnt read properly. racing hope you have managed ok today.