I can't take another year of this. Reclaiming my life from anxiety/depression/insomnia.

[racingmind]

Hi everyone.

Long story short- I have had recurrent episodes of anxiety and depression for most of my adult life and suffer from chronic insomnia. Since becoming pregnant 2 years ago I have been ill pretty much constantly- the anxiety in particular has been really bad. On a good day I struggle in particular with making any kinds of decisions and on a bad day i just struggle with life in general. I wake up a lot in the early hours flooded with adrenalin for no specific reason and am always tired and generally feel like crap.

I have a lovely partner who has put up with a lot due to my mental health but our relationship has been at breaking point many times recently as a result. We have aso had a massively stressful year for other reasons. I am overweight from the side effects of various meds, which is something I am actively trying to address. The dr is taking me off my sleeping pills over the next couple of weeks and I don't know how I'm going to cope with that.

Basically I have had 2 years solid of feeling bloody awful and I'm literally sick and tired of it. Its a new year and a fresh start and I'm determined to beat this somehow, for myself, my partner and most of all my little son as I don't want him to be affected by my probems. Like many people in my situation I guess, I have done the rounds with various mh professinals and I have to say that far more helpful to me is talking to other people who have had the same problems as I dont think you can really understand these things unless you have actually experienced them first hand.

When I say I want to beat this I dont mean I expect to wake up one day without any problems I just want my mental health to stop being the focus of my life and all this kind of hoping that the next tablet/ dr/ therapy will somehow "cure me". And when I say its best for me to talk to other ppl who've been through this I don't mean lets just have a good moan or dwell on all our problems on here, I guess I mean does anyone feel like starting a kind of mutually supportive, positive/ recovery focused style thread with me? To maybe share what works and keep each other going when things don't?

All the best, rm xxx

racing I think getting up and dressed in the morning really helps

Also tomorrow I'd like you to talk to yourself as if you were your best friend. Be kind to yourself.

Sending good sleep vibes.

Get up, presumably when you want/need, shower, and dress rather than hang around in pjs or dressing gown which is what some of her flybabies used to do. And lace up shoes so you can't kick them off, and which keep you in motivated or non-lazy mode (except I always wear them anyway, in whatever mode ). There are a lot of homeschoolers who use her site, although there are bits for people who work outside the home as well. HTH

I've suffered from chronic anxiety since my early twenties (am now nearly forty). Ive held down a highly successful careers and having two kids but almost at the expense of my mental health - yet noone would have guessed I was struggling if I hadn't explicitly told them. I've taken all the help I can get and just got on with it - I'm blessed and cursed with acute self awareness so realise how my 'patheticness' and anxiety may come across to others, should i choose to tell. However, I generally don't, and find thus illusion a way of coping. My dcs are healthy, happy and I love them, yet there are times when I'm crippled with worry about looking after them on my own, yet I know they are better looked after by me than anyone else.

petaluma I could have written your post except I only have the one dc and hes still v young. Only my closest friend, my dp and a family member know about my mental health. I am a very accomplished actress. Because I dont see the point in people who dont understand knowing and I dont want to live my life round my anxiety.

So ladies ds woke me at 6.30 this moring and my first half asleep instinct was to bring him into my bed and try and sleep a bit more, which I did for 15 minutes then though gave myself a shake and got up, showered and dressed. V proud of myself.

racing awesome! How was your sleep? Does your partner help with ds?

slept not too bad thanks. Dp works away from home 2 weeks out of 4.

Glad your sleep was ok, brilliant.

Must be so hard having dp away, hard to get into a routine then.

Actually its harder with the routine when he comes home as thats when I tend to let things slip, something I also want to address this year. I feel really unwell today. Had disturbed sleep woke with just terrible anxiety and cracking headache am totally shattered and look like utter shit and unusually for me don't even have it in me to sort out my appearance.

Am going to write myself a detailed list of tasks to get me through the day because this is exactly the kind of day where I would end up horribly depressed and I just need to get through it and at least feel like I have acheived something. I tell myself I can go to bed really early with a whole sleeping pill so I only have to be conscious for a limited amount of time. And take it half an hour at a time.

God I hate being like this.

Oh no, do you think you have a big? Dd2 was sick and diarrhoea two days ago, dd1 lst night, during might, and now I feel awful, swimming and dizzy. Couldn't go into work which I hate. I have had lots of energy recently so a bit irritating.

So sorry that you are feeling grim too. Are you up and dressed. Would nice music be good? How is ds? How old is he?

Morning all. I have been in a sort of sleep pattern where I stayed up late then couldn't get to sleep, first cold then boiling, then sleep, then hard to wake up, then nap during the day. Realised yesterday that I had exhausted myself, so in spite of earlier nap, went to bed at midnight (reasonable for me) and slept till 8 today. And I feel a lot better and able to tackle the day.

Knowing me I won't keep this up though!

I'm not ill this is just what happens when I dont sleep properly. I was up and dressed at 8 and feel bit better now have eaten and taken cocodamol and more betablockers. I woke up so full of adrenalin its as if someones pointing a bloody gun at my head despite having taken beta blockers in the middle of the night so dunno if they actually make that much difference. Ds is fine- he is 14 months old. Anyway have got tv on for company and am working my way through my list and just not allowing myself to think about anything else.

Saw a friend yesterday which was an achievement as trying to be more sociable and less insular.

Thanks Janetplanet for suggesting the Linden method- am wondering what your experience of it has been? This has suggested to me several times in the past but whenever I ask what it actually is no one seems able to actually tell me and the website I find pretty confusing too. Then as luck would have it I came a magazine article recently which demystified the whole thing and in principal I can see the benefits and am trying to incorporate aspects of it in my new year/new me mission. Will try and find the article in the chaos of my house if anyone else interested- saves you spending nearly £3grand on one of their weekend retreats anyway! (am quite wary of any organisation that charges this amount to help people with their mental health)

How you doing?

Well done on seeng your friend yesterday

Hi all. Just wanted to say I've been lurking on this thread. I don't know what I can contribute, just that I suffer from anxiety and depression too and reading so many of the posts is like seeing my own thoughts in print.

It's been a bad week so far but it is a source of strength to see other people working through these illnesses and crossing similar bridges to me. Thanks.

Hi betsy hope you had a decent night.

How are you today racing?

Hi betsy and welcome
I am doing great today am really proud of myself. In a rush but will post more later whilst (hopefully) still feeling positive.

Hope everyone doing ok today xx

The Linden Method woud be so helpful to you racingmind and everyone else. There is a residential course but the book and the DVDs as well as the online course are what I used and that was about £100- still a huge amount of money I know but it really does work. He's been through it all himself for 27 years and he really does know what he's talking about. Look at this bit from the website www.lindenanxietyrecovery.com/about/2011-keynote-speech/ and PM me if you want any more information on it, I'd really like to help

Jomal when I start typing linden method into google one of the first options is 'linden method scam' what is that about?!

wow what an up and down day!

I slept very well last night after a bit of stress yesterday and woke up this morning actually feeling ok, ie not completely flooded with adrenalin and anxiety- huge result for me. Got me and ds up and organised and off the work and nursery on time. Found out I have lost another 2bs on my diet so all going well and when I posted saying I felt proud of myself ealier it was because I was doing so well and was on my way out to go for a swim in y lunch break and it takes a hell of a lot for me to find the motivation for that.

Drove to first pool- huge traffic jam and the road closed when I got there then I had to drive to another pool which was shut. Anyway on the way out of the 2nd pool feeling pretty pissed of and frustrated having wasted my whole lunch hour and thinking how much I could have done with the exercise. Got in my car and promptly reversed into the car behind (in carpark). I should point out I've been driving nearly 20 years without ever doing anything like this before. Got fright of my life and the next thing I know the other woman was out of her car wanting my details which was so sillly as there was honestly a very slight scuff on her bumper which i could probably have wiped off with my finger and is the sort of thing if I'd been her I'd just have let go (and have done in the past when its happened to my car).

But no this was one of these pedantic people with too much time on their hands that wanted to involve insurance companies so it just felt horribly stressful and was on the brink of tears. Situations like this tend to really get to me as I cant stand the hassle and it convinces me that people are basically bastards. In the past this would have seen me beating myself up mercilessly for the mistake I made in the first place and started totally catastrophised the outcome and feeling irrational hatred to the other person involved.

I have actually done all 3 haha but only for a very short while. I have been thinking how people do things like this every single day and I dont have to punish myself for it all the time like I usually would.. I also came home and looked at my ds and though he is happy and healthy get some perspective. Also that woman was a bit merecenary but most people are not bastards, some are just not very nice.

These are BIG steps forward for me mentally.

Hi racing, last year I bumped the van in front at some traffic lights, ever so gently, there was no damage but he had to take insurance details etc as he was working and in company van. I wasn't as well then as you seem to be atm, the poor guy when we pulled into the car park and he was then confronted with a woman who was sobbing uncontrollably (although did manage to give him my details).

Thanks pinkpussycat- I did actually cry as soon as I got back into my car just the frustration really- my car was also vandalised on Tuesday so I spent the whole day getting a window replaced and was proud of how calmly I'd handled that and then the very next day this happens. I called the lady last night as she gave me her number( this was excrutiatingly difficult for me) and asked if she could possibly not involve insurance but she had already done it- told me this has happened to her many times before and she doesnt hesitate now. She was perfectly polite but like I say, I'd have let it go. Shes now having it checked for "possible invisible damage" and I'm afraid I dont feel too well towards people like that- I'm not kidding there is noooooo possible way I damaged her car it was a tiny bump at a very short distance at very low speed!! Anyway I was very polite and left it at that but now I have to call my insurance company and my anxiety is off the scale about this- I find talking on the phone to people I dont know very, very difficult.

I'm seeing this as a test but really struggling to cope I feel so anxious. Keep picking up the phone and putting it down again.

I know what you mean about the phone thing - I'm a bit like that at the best of times. Last year I just waited to see if I heard anything re the van, I didn't, so never had to talk to insurance. I am sure your insurance people will be fine when you summon the courage, though trouble is telling about it brings back all the feelings

I did it. Talked to my best friend who is also quite an anxious person (DP is not) and she totally understood and helped me put things in perspective- people nudge each others bumpers every day in tesco car parks etc and its just unfortunate I did it with a woman who by her own admission does not hesitate to involve insurance etc no matter how minor the incident and has done this "a lot" of times in the past.

Sorry to sound self righteous but I have witnessed two deaths, and worked in my former career and been in hospital with people who have had truly horrific lives. Within the space of six months last year I gave birth under emergency medical circumstances, became genuinely suicidal with anxiety, was admitted to a psychiatric hospital and lost 2 members of our immedicate family all in the space of 6 months last year so I guess I just have a different perspective on life and I try hard not to create dramas for myself. I really really have enough stress to deal with. So when a guy reversed into me at much higher speed and greater impact just before xmas and I could see there was no damage I just let him go about his day as he was, like me , very apologetic and i'm a pretty busy person. So if this lady manages to come up with some sort of "invisible damage" claim then best of luck to her.

Anyhoo thats over and done with and I'm just going to move on. Dp might be a bit annoyed with me and usually this would mean me crying and fretting and feeling terrible about myself but I'm not like that anymore. Not today anyway, and I've only got to get through today.

Something has just happened inside me where I just know I cannot live life around being anxious all the time- its too short. My baby is happy and healthy and for today i am coping. I just tell myself that over and over again.

Cristiane, I suppose like everything there it will have its detractors and it may well be that it won't work for everyone . Mumsnet is about sharing knowledge and I have no vested interest in The Linden Method whatsoever, I just know that it worked very well for my daughter and when I read threads like this one I feel it's only fair to share that . I'm sure the panic away works and the Claire Weeks books will work too, I never tried those, I tried The Linden Method and it was successful.