I can't take another year of this. Reclaiming my life from anxiety/depression/insomnia.

[racingmind]

Hi everyone.

Long story short- I have had recurrent episodes of anxiety and depression for most of my adult life and suffer from chronic insomnia. Since becoming pregnant 2 years ago I have been ill pretty much constantly- the anxiety in particular has been really bad. On a good day I struggle in particular with making any kinds of decisions and on a bad day i just struggle with life in general. I wake up a lot in the early hours flooded with adrenalin for no specific reason and am always tired and generally feel like crap.

I have a lovely partner who has put up with a lot due to my mental health but our relationship has been at breaking point many times recently as a result. We have aso had a massively stressful year for other reasons. I am overweight from the side effects of various meds, which is something I am actively trying to address. The dr is taking me off my sleeping pills over the next couple of weeks and I don't know how I'm going to cope with that.

Basically I have had 2 years solid of feeling bloody awful and I'm literally sick and tired of it. Its a new year and a fresh start and I'm determined to beat this somehow, for myself, my partner and most of all my little son as I don't want him to be affected by my probems. Like many people in my situation I guess, I have done the rounds with various mh professinals and I have to say that far more helpful to me is talking to other people who have had the same problems as I dont think you can really understand these things unless you have actually experienced them first hand.

When I say I want to beat this I dont mean I expect to wake up one day without any problems I just want my mental health to stop being the focus of my life and all this kind of hoping that the next tablet/ dr/ therapy will somehow "cure me". And when I say its best for me to talk to other ppl who've been through this I don't mean lets just have a good moan or dwell on all our problems on here, I guess I mean does anyone feel like starting a kind of mutually supportive, positive/ recovery focused style thread with me? To maybe share what works and keep each other going when things don't?

All the best, rm xxx

No you are not pathetic, and please don't be so mean to yourself. Please talk to yourself like you are a friend to yourself and not an enemy. This is not ridiculous and trivial, not at all.

So let's take it from the top. I think when you are feeling low everything seems so insurmountable. It all piles and piles up (physically and emotionally!).

Can you put DS in front of a video and have a shower and get dressed please?

Then make yourself a cup of tea and eat something. Even if you are on a diet you need to eat. What kind of diet do you plan on doing?

It is sunny where I am, after you and DS have had some lunch how about going for a walk? Maybe make it a mission. Do you live in town? How about walking to the shops and buying a magazine or some milk or something. Or a trip to the library to pick up some books for DS and stuff for you.

Then, please please join me on the flylady thread. I am on babysteps stage.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/good_housekeeping/1371777-If-tidying-your-home-is-your-New-Years-resolution-Flying-with-us-could-be-the-solution

All you need to do is shine your sink today! The rest will come. Listen to the radio while you do it. Or music. Or audio book.

Do you have support around? Can you get a babysitter and make it out to the movies with a friend?

Thank you both for your support. I have had a shower, got dressed and my sink is shined. Cristiane i have just waded through ten pages of the flylady thread only to get to the first point that I didnt realise was literally just shine your sink, which I'd already done haha great time management by me.

Had arguement with dp lat night and stayed up way too late. Also ds really whingey which thank GOD he isnt usually so this just a bad day for me. I hate looking at myself in the mirror right now and none of my clothes fit as I still have 2.5 stone to lose. This is terrible but I actually repulse myself, and I used to be quite good looking. Am doing weight watchers, hate it with a passion but had lost 9lb in 4 wks before xmas and am basically desperate.

It is grey and wet where I am and I need a proper big shop so am going to supermarket in car then the drs as she wants to talk to me about the zopiclone because I phoned for another prescription.

I am really really struggling today and feel like a shit mother as my son's whnigeing really doing my head in and its not his fault.

Hi there. I have also suffered from GAD and the side effects of depression/insomnia for 6 years (had problems with this since childhood though I did not realise it).

I am assuming you have read the Claire Weekes' books which should be the first port of call for people like 'us'!

I would also like to really recommend the 'Panic Away' program as well. I ummed and ahhhed for ages about getting it because I did not want to spend any more money on a 'cure' but it has made a massive difference in just a week. I am still having racing thoughts (sometimes distressing ones) and all the usual physical symptoms, but it is really starting to not bother me anymore strange as it sounds, and that is the only way you can start to recover from this absolute nightmare, that is to not let it bother you and accept it. It will then pass.

Believe me I have tried everything and this is the only thing that's worked. You have nothing to 'beat', you have only have to change the way you think about it which is hard work, but living like this is a damn sight harder!

racing sorry about that- and it wasn't your fault you went through 10 pages, how can it be?

That thread started on 1 Jan, but baby steps wise I think you could easily catch up- we have basically got to shine your sink, get dressed every morning straight away, be kind to yourself, and today it is tackle 'hotspots' so set timer for 2 mins and clear a pile that always builds up (for me where the mail goes). I have many other hotspots I think!

Does weightwatchers do low carb? I think that is very effective.

Do you ever think about Internet shopping for groceries? Might be easier with your ds, you can ask them to deliver after ds in bed, and I find it useful to keep control of budget and menu plan.

Is your ds coming down with something?

Back to my earlier question, have about got a babysitter so you can go that to the movies with a friend, or if not, can a friend come round and just have a girls night in, tea, chat, paint your nails, watch a DVD?

With regards to your house being messy - friends that matter don't mind and friends that mind don't matter

Hi thanks both for constructive replies, makes me feel less bad about moaning. Cristiane i think the flylady thing sounds just what I need. I know the days i try to lie in abit and then dont get dressed til late morning are always shit for me.

I hae never heard of the ClaireWeeks book, will google it. what does thepanic away programe involve?

racing fancy some light relief?

Look at www.damnyouautocorrect.com

Hi racing.

Can't add much that is helpful atm as I am struggling a bit. Just about keeping it together so I am trying to ignore the crap that is welling up inside of me. Came of ads back in the spring and was OK for a while. Not so much now.

The things that help me are; 1. cut out the booze completely, 2. go running/walknig regulatly, 3. music - it distracts the frantic mouse on the wheel that lives in my head.

Good luck with changing your head.

re lists. Write down everything you have done in any given day too. Even if it's just 'got dressed' or 'took the bins out'. All those things can seem like a milestone so it's good to be able to look back and feel you have acheived something.

What a day. Drumlin you sound fantastically organised. I do my best,like I do make lists some days and add things I've done that weren't on it as suggested. I just cannot get on top of this housework. Thats me just sat down and half the house is still dirty.

No I do not have many people I can ask to babysit. Had one but shes now going to be unavailable for a while. I hardly see my friends to be honest. Was meant to see my best friend today but she ended up working, she is alays working and I dont feel I can ask her to babysit as she is so busy.

I feel like life is just about continually chasing my tail and feeling sick about my looks right now. I adore my son he is a brilliant kid. Everyone says he is the best natured baby they have ever known and I'm not making that up. I just feel bad sometimes about what I have lost in the process of becoming a mother.

New dr gave me another months supply of sleeping pills (I can make them last 2 months). Asked me of I could imagine a time in the next couple of months when I could begin to withdraw frm them. Lied and said I could, just to ge the script. Have to have the bloody things in the house just to feel safe.

How are you guys all doing?

racing I am fine, bit peed off because DH is feeling down again, and we started taking tree stuff down, all decorations packed but tree just standing there all dark without lights on and it's too big for me to carry on my own out of the house. It is not just that it is that DH is down again and I am worried he is slipping back having had a good couple of months. This is the third bubble of down-ness he's had in ten days since Christmas so a bit worried.

Also as I mentioned above, I am not sure how I will cope with it if he does get worse. It is so unpredictable and i worry for the children too because he is just not as able to be energetic which he needs to be as a sahd two days a week (we have nanny the other three days). And yet again it is me doing everything like cleaning cooking shopping organising and never resting.

I have had awful diarrhoea for two days (bug going round up here). Feels nasty and tiring. Wentt to work yesterday but not today as I was up all night running to the loo and both dd's were in my bed, what a night.

What is your plan for the sleeping pills? Can I ask - can you change to a less addictive brand?

How old is ds?

Hello, I've just read this thread and am sending warm thoughts, I am better now but have been very depressed in the past, one thing I used to do was have half hour proper worry time, doing nothing but worry thoroughly, this respects the part of me that worries and allows it to do its job. I did find it a help, obviously may not work for everyone.

Also walking does help - but oh, finding the motivation... I think the rythm helps thoughts to sort themselves, also find straight line walking (we have lots of old railway paths around) has a different effect from doing 'ordinary' walking.

racing there is a technique which has v high success rate and could help you with the insomnia. You wouldn't be able to do it while taking the sleeping pills though.

What it is, is you retrain yourself to sleep. You decide what time you think is a sensible wake up time, say 7am. You work out how much 'natural' sleep you are getting at the moment. Say it is 3 hours.

7am minus 3 hours is 4am

You stay up UNTIL 4am, go to bed and hopefully sleep through till 7.

If that is successful, the next night you can bring the time you go to bed forward by 15 minutes. So you go to bed at 3.45am.

Day by day AND ONLY IF YOU MANAGE TO SLEEP THROUGH TO 7, you bring the time forward 15 mins. So within a week you might be getting nearly five straight hours (and we know those are the best!) a night. And within a few weeks would hopefully have 'cured' it.

This technique was recommended to me by my therapist who told me it has something like a 90% success rate.

I would say - what have you got to lose by trying it? What it does is reset your ability to stay asleep. It would be bloody tough at the beginning - staying up till 4 (mind you think how much decluttering and tidying you could do!) and making yourself get up at 7 could be torture, you would need support! Am very happy to try to help

I don't mean you should spend all the time tidying! Also have rest and relaxation time, and be sure to go to bed calm and peacefully

www.helpguide.org/life/insomnia_treatment.htm

This seems a very usefuL guide, lots of great tips.

The method to which I was referring is linked to at the bottom - called Sleep Rsestriction Therapy

Haven't read all of this but just wanted to recommend the Linden method. I hope things get better for you soon.

racingmind when I suffered with Anxiety and Depression I became obsessed with how cluttered and dirty my house was (it wasnt) - I nearly persuaded my DH to allow us to move house!. I think Anxiety and Depression really distort your view of everything - I love my wee house now that I am well and cant believe the things I used to think when I wasn't feeling great. Try to ignore any clutter and get some rest. Focus on thinks you enjoy/like - and try to ignore that nagging negative voice that focuses on doom and gloom and impossible tasks.

ps I am not suggesting you are imagining the clutter there may well be some, I have plenty! its just that it is probably magnified by your anxiety. I remember that feeling you describe of looking round and literally feeling ill at the amount I had to do and feeling like such a failure because I had let everything slip, I literally couldn't sit down for months! I was always running round trying to clean or tidy and in effect achieving very little which made me panic even more! - now that I feel better I simply do not worry about this stuff and my house is just as cluttered as before. I love relaxing on my laptop, reading, watching tv again- I simply couldn't do any of these for months as my brain was so active!. Soon you will not worry about these things as much as you are now. Small steps day by day.

hello.

i'm in i think. sick of merry go rounds. had to change meds over the xmas period so withdrawal (i get this badly unfortunately) plus side effects then going onto new one plus obvious factor of no coverage in between really. so it has been interesting coming out the other side a bit now but aware that it never really goes away entirely and really sick of it all being so in control of my life.

much of what i find helps has been talked about here already.

had a conversation with sister who obviously finds it hard to handle/understand why i can't just decide not to go there - tried to explain how all the stuff she's saying about will and choices and actions i already know and employ more than most every single day just to still be here and get through the day to day but that there is a point in the illness where that is gone and just is, you can't do it. that bit is short lived for me these days usually and triggered by something eg. meds change this time. i then made a point of telling her what actually helps me at those times so that she doesn't have to feel so powerless or trample in with dumb arsed well intentioned advice.

i told her she could ask me if there was anything i needed from the shops if she was going and offer to get it for me or encourage me to go with her if i felt i could. that she could bring me leftovers if she overcooked because i can't make myself eat when i'm really bad but if someone puts food in front of me i suddenly can and i'm grateful for it. that she could have ds overnight so that i could sleep. i finally spelt it out for her that in that crisis state i don't need you to say anything or tell me how to fix it (no one knows better than me what can or can't be done to fix it - i've been dealing with it nearly my whole life and have obviously applied my intelligence, will, soul, research etc etc to it) i just need basic support and help like anyone else who was ill would - basically i need to eat, i need to sleep, once i'm able i need to get outside and go for a walk, once i'm able i need to start tackling the little tasks that have amassed around me etc.

god epic post sorry. but i think i'm hoping one thing that will help me is to tell other people how to help me, especially those who are stuck in your life and obviously struggle with the fact you're ill but haven't a clue how to handle it or what to do despite good intentions actually make things harder.

anyway. i have decided to go back to getting help (got myself out of the mental health team merry go round as i was so sick of it being more damaging and stressful than helpful and tired of feeling humiliated). i am going to re-try therapy and do it with someone who is experienced in what i think i've worked out i really need to deal with.

i'm also trying to get a volunteer position in an area that interests me and i'd love to imagine myself retraining in if i could ever actually get 6 months of stability and no bloody messy relapses into panic, depression or anything else and actually feel some solid ground under my feet to build upon.

sorry for very long post.

Hi all, thanks for all the posts. Hello to the newcomers good to hear form you hope we can support eachother to a happier year ahead.

Cristiane just want to thank you for all the ideas you are so thoughtful. I'm afraid the sleep reduction method scares the crap out of me right now and the main reason I'm not ready to give up the pills is I just cant go back to the three hours sleep a night thing right now I could not mentally take it. I do really appreciate you trying to think of things to help though. How are things with your dh today?

One bit of advice of yours I did take is to look into the whole flylady thing and meant to do the whole getting dressed as soon as i woke up thing but failed I'm afraid as ds slept til 8 and so I took the opportunity to do same. I often do this on the days dont work and its made me reflect on what poor time management that is and how if I get up at 7 everyday I would get so much ore out of the day, especially if ds manages to sleep a bit longer as he occaisionally does. I know I sound very lazy I just cherish every moment of sleep I can possibly grab and it is vv hard to get up until I have no choice but to see to the baby. I get no lie ins remember as dp not here.

Anyway I have made a lot of misatkes today and got very frustrated and upset with myself but ended up having a strict word with myself for all the self punishement I was giving myself- for running late and driving somehwere I could have walked on the one day it doesnt rain and eating stuff I shouldnt, etc - and decided to learn form how the day turned out and use that to think of better routines I can start as a result. So far I have come up with:

-Getting up and showered and dressed before ds whether I have work or not.
-Walking walking walking instead of always taking car
-make more effort to spend time with friends- i always feel too busy but I saw some today for first time in ages and it was good for me and ds and I should stop feeling I cant face them due to my mh or looks.
-will tackle one cupoard/ drawer of clutter at a time and make more space for all our mess.

Whats all you ladies been up to? xx

No, you only have to get 'dressed to shoes' when you get up, not when you wake up!

although she does recommend getting up 15 before everyone else, I think. She has really helped me, I don't do all the stuff tho, kind of tailor it to me.

I thought it meant just getting dressed as soon as u were up. I need to start getting straight in the shower before ds wakes up.