The Cybergarden - Midwinter Edition

[shodatin]

Hope this is Post No. 1001 equivalent, having just used up the thousandth space and feel I shouldn't ask Madmouse to organise the next one again.

Have just looked into summerhouse to check fire is burning gently, tray of [brew} organised by upward to turn into one's favourite hot drink of the moment is standing ready for visitors, along with a few pounds of chocolates from huge box sent by DSis. (Before DB eats any more today)

It's usually tianc, upward and hob who remember to be hospitable and also remember to send good wishes to previous visitors, including said madmouse and mouselet, kizzie and family, NanaNina, Butterpie and another name which eludes me just now, but am hoping you'll find your way to this new part of the Cybergarden
and continue visiting in the New Year, along with hob's time-travelling cat Her Felinity and her welcome associate ndt (next-door's-tom), who visit us quite often, bringing gifts of when they remember, instead of the usual dead rodents which they know are unwelcome in the cybergarden.

Have just had lovely large lunch, plus Skype visit from rest of relatives, so will have a little potter round RL garden, hoping all is well and welcoming now in cybergarden's summerhouse.

Your presents to self are a nice idea, shodatin - one way to cheer things. There are talking groups and various more leisure related, still perplexed as it was said today that they don't expect me to be taking part in the groups.

I'm told I didn't too well when I first went on meds. I'd still want to do it at home unless I had to.

Frivolity is good, tv is tricky at the moment.

Ah yes shodatin , I thought I remembered you making some scent back in the summer. I know the oils would be exorbitant Will look up further info on fixative etc , thank you - Chanel no 5 is amazing , properly grown up . Mainly I like Christmas scented oils for burners < HF sniffs suspiciously >

Hope you like the manuscripts programme - would do a link but new hard drive seems to object- the presenter is a very likeable academic . Am most amused at your Desperate Housewives previous life addiction & will look at it .
I too was baffled by the particles programme , but find that scientist more likeable also than some of the poseurs on the channel .

Hope you're not feeling too yucky from med increase , upward . Please do think of some little treats you can have each day as I'm conjecturing wildly that numerous treats would be rather uncharacteristic for you , and surprisingly helpful ( I know I know , how can superficial frippery help during a genuinely rough time ... I do think they can help you keep going )

Apologies for including my shopping list in last post

Ah , sorry to have crossed with you , upwardand how pleased am I that you say frivolity is good .

Ah , well perhaps they could be more specific about what problems you encountered at first with medication and might expect if you changed again , and possible contingency plans - but as you know , services are very risk averse now . Hopefully , though , you won't need to < hears shodtin's calm words on coping when necessary >

Sorry TV tricky and hope there are other diversions available , and that a better sleep follows

Have achieved far too little this afternoon < bustles>.

Treats are a good idea hob It is hard with the symptoms, the meds, and the feeling that they are constantly looking at risk :( (once or more a day). I know I shouldn't get het up over that, but it's challenging (I like my illusion of control too much). I'm going to feel rubbish, combination of lack of sleep, increased meds, and increased symptoms. The anti-psychotic sedates/confuses most people who take it (sometimes they are prescribed beacuse of those side-effects).

I do have fun size milky ways, perhaps I should treat myself after managing to attend day services, as it's not easy to do.

I hope you did allow yourself a bit of chocolate , upward , as there aren't as many pasttimes as usual that you can use as treats , if you aren't feeling up to them . Sorry for abrupt disappearance but nipped to shop quickly and stopped at community centre on way .

The risk assessments sound really demoralising and you did brilliantly going today .
The drug is a real challenge and I am in absolute awe of you ... I 'm lucky enough to be feeling at my best but even so I would feel exhausted having to socialise / be somewhat monitored at day hospital and the thought of those tablets would truly daunt me .

Is there any Skyping / emailing / phone chatting you coucld enjoy at all ? A bit of radio or some of your lovely music ? I wish you could have entertainment at your disposal which would be neither triggering nor the least bit tiring

s all round , with some of Nilgiri's edible glitter

I think that taking the meds/complying with suggestions is partly down to thinking that if things got out of control/I choose not to comply, eventually I would do as suggested due to coercion (i.e. section). I don't want to be sectioned ever again. If I stop going to services, that is more likely to occur too.

I've been texting this eve, which has been good.

I hope that everyone hsa good evenings and good nights.

Glad there are some leisure-related groups available upward, and am wondering if you were being reassured that joining in would not be compulsory. I don't know if there are any musical appreciation get-togethers, but strikes me that would be easy for lots of people to enjoy and feel better for it. DB told me about empty spaces in the hospital where patient activities used to take place, in the days when money was available, which is very sad.

I do really believe in treats for oneself, and scent isn't fattening of course. A foreign friend taught me to buy myself flowers too, which was partcularly useful when adjusting to being widowed, and I remember when my daily treat used to be a long soak in the bath, again with an assortment of perfumed items. I also remember good advice (from Shirley Conran, Superwoman) that you may think you can't afford to spoil yourself, but the fact is, you can't afford not to, particularly at difficult times.

One of the things about growing older is that some of us think we've a perfect right to tell other people what they should do and indeed, how to do it, as we know best, and sorry about doing it again. Can safely be ignored.

You might feel rubbish, of course onward, but hopefully the insomnia might have disappeared, even by tonight.

Seem to have almost crossed with you again upward, having a whole twelve seconds between our postings.
It is a difficult situation for you, but such a shame you don't seem to have anything to look forward to at present, only the mental health people wanting you to co-operate, and in these situations there's really not a lot of choice.
All I can say is that you have already come a long, long way since you were in hospital, and I give you full credit for the courage, intelligence and determination which have brought you to where you are now, but the professionals have done a decent job too, and are still actually trying to help you, and to avoid any possible dramas which could occur before the meds are right.
I realise it's difficult and frustrating now, but think you can be confident that the improvements will continue and the monitoring etc. will decrease in time.

Hope you can sleep well tonight, and glad that hob found her shopping list in time. Goodnight all.

Good morning , lovely cybergardeners and espressos , and sorry for dozing off without warning yet again .
You say what we all feel so amazingly well in your mostt recent post there , shodatin , especially about upward's courage , intelligence & determination , and the uplifting prospect of the current vigilance / support from services falling away in a timely manner so she can get on with the future .

So agree about you needing something to look forward to , very difficult when there have been unwanted changes , but a person of your talents & personal qualities is a unique asset and you need to be able to feed your many interests & social instincts ....apologies if you feel plans for such things aren't likely to be fulfilled jus yet

Sorry that you 'vwe been told you won't be taking part in any groups , and it 's impressive that you would attempt to ...perhaps they feel it would be too tiring with the med increase, but they ought to discuss it more with youu

Hope we all had a reasonable amount of sleep , particularly that upward's was better

That illuminated manuscripsts programme was actually on mediaeval kings , shodatin - I was ooooohing and aaaahing at the pretty pictures rather than paying proper attention

I know they are trying to help, but I find their paranoia challenging. Eg several people telling me that I must talk to named nurse before I go. I'll reply properly later

The arty groups are ok, thanks shodatin - trying to think of a craft I can do at home. Flowers are a very good idea, must remember that. I didn't sleep much last night, maybe tonight. Thanks for the comment re: progress, I hope others see it that way (shodatin and hob).

I need to find pastimes that I can do at home. Sorry hob, all I was saying is there's no expectaiton for me to participate. but I can try, not that they were saying I shouldn't.

I hope everyone has a good day.

Thanks for explaining about what's available upward. Did I mention that I started calligraphy because I needed something to do at home, preferably seated at desk on knee-stool? It fitted in with other stuff, phoning and writing to friends, practicing drawing to help with pastel art class and good old jigsaws. I was also involved - still am - in various crafts, particularly card-making, sewing and embroidery, but the calligraphy took me into research of modern print styles as well as art history, and time spent searching for suitable prose and verse, which I feel might entertain you too.
Am having a reasonable day thanks, mainly chores, but also decorating a hat in between as light relief and colouring a plaited hairband to match my own (mixed) shades. Have to stop soon, or hunt for daylight art bulbs which I think I have somewhere.
Shame your nights are still difficult upward, and still hoping for improvement.

Thanks for explaining , upward , that's good that you might be participating Iund about the groups at some point . I really feel for you regarding the hypervigilance around risk and hope you will be properly listened to on the matter . Sorry , I know there was something else being discussed but wi'll lose message if I search for it

Very grim to still be suffering such sleep problems , though aI gree wirth shodatin the med increase may improve that very soon

I feel guilty complaining that a heap of moss seems to have rained down upon me , keeping me comfortably in my nestbox well into the afternoon < looks despairingly at chores > . Glorious , fabulously sunny day here , though , so lovely I had to take pictures of the warm (!!!) sun on the reddish shrubs & trees

Really like the sound shodatinof the way you've managed to find creative and soul - nourishing hobbies which can be done in shortish bursts and put down for a phone call etc . Searching out the poetry sounds particularly lovely , & has got me thinking further about crafty stuff . I'm most interested in the hat and hairband you're making atm , too

Hope Nilgiri finds her spirits lifted by events this week , and that she's coping without the internet

< waves also to kizzie and madmouse , hoping they get the chance to restt quietly in the summerhouse with us >s all round

Do I think I should be in hospital/would hospital help? I need to think of some pros an cons (apart from I don't want to)

Hi upward - I think it 's brilliant that you are considering the options as calmy as possible . Am nipping out for a bit but will be pondering whether I can think of any to suggest

Hope we all have something relaxing to do this evening

Pros:
Could do quicker meds changes

Cons:
It's hot
It's noisy
It's stressful
Diet could suffer (determined to at least not gain more)
Involves saying I am 'unwell enough' for hospital
I can do more at home
Disempowering

I'd put cooking and tidying on pro list (someone else does it), also phone calls and drop-ins would stop.
Other people might have good ideas for fun occupations.
Sleeping tablet available when necessary on ward.
Agree that heat and noise are real cons, and hardly recommended for invalids anyway. Would it be possible to negotiate a private room for these reasons?

I don't particularly cook anyway, people help me sort food/tidy/sort washing/get dressed etc. I have prn sleeping tablets at home. Single rooms are done on a 'who is most unwell' scale, which is fair enough. They are good points though, and remind me of another 'con', having personal care help from people who really aren't into that sort of thing... for them.

I think I should have a proper chat about this face to face with someone.

Thank you for drinks and tasty nibbles , upward

Think a meeting about these issues would be very sensible and that your and shodatin's lists are excellent

Agree a stay would be very challenging and you know it is disempowering but wonder whether paradoxically you might feel pleased with yourself if you did enter into the situation . Probably a silly idea , sorry - you are constantly challenging yourself & if anything could I think do with being be less hard on yourself ( sorry )
The main pro I can think of is the possibility that interaction with staff and others staying will help you , and some activities ditto , as shodatin suggested

MIL seeming pretty good and cheerful , but as she felt totally unable to report a serious deteroration in her sight to the hospital staff , will have to make someone aware asap .

Temp carer has been coming in morn & eve to help with dressing etc & has been going well , but FIL thinks totally pointless- he wants a nurse to take over the the PEG feeding , a regular physio etc ... tbh I think he 's still set on a care home , without even giving home care a proper try Still , absolutely brilliant that temp carer is proving easy to interact with when they're feelingstressed and brittle

More of upward's comforting with Nilgiri's edible glitter

Thanks for the refreshments upward, particularly as I can't even think about expending energy after about 5p.m. Having a proper discussion about possible hospital stay could be productive, especially if time-limit could be agreed. Agree that neediest people should have separate
accommodation generally, but if the physical conditions on ward are preventing you from agreeing to be an inpatient, I'd say it's an important factor.
However, as I understand, there won't be any necessity to be resident if the increased meds are effective, and it seems a bit early to decide. Really hope you have a better night.
Sorry to hear about MiL's sight problem hob, and hope something can be done soon. FiL does sound unpleasant, and I'm wondering just how well he'd cope by himself if MiL did go into care - would she like that?

So agree with you shodatin about physical conditions on ward being a genuine barrier , though of course there isn't always much staff can do if there are numerous people needing single rooms at once . I remember upward was always very considerate of others on ward even when she felt very unwell & would probably
Although a stay may not be necessary , it's good to get things clearer and apologies for not posting more thoroughly about issues but will keep thinking it over as there's nothing we'd all like more than for the right decisions to be made

You are a brilliant support , shodatin , thank you so much . Well , MIL said to me a few months ago that she was grateful for her dh's care as otherwise she'd have to go into care and she'd miss looking out onto the garden- but of course , a lot of places make he effort to have a pleasant view for residents to look out on . However ,I fear the sight problem is very serious & due to the head injury , which would mean FIL totally unable to cope at home anyway .
She is also unbothered by privacy issues truly) and is energised by long chats with relative strangers , rather than exhausted by them as many would be - so those would be huge positives , I think .

(Sorry - have written far too much - please ignore for tonight ! -)
Obviously it's the emotional effects of being unwanted by FILwhich distress me & DH ( or will when I can bring myself to admit quite how difficult FIL has been )- but PILs have many decades of difficulties & she has felt unable to leave after similar behaviour , so I think she could perhaps compartmentalise it & eventually really enjoy socialising . She would be hugely relieved to no longer feel a "burden" to him ( argh argh argh)
The main problem be the impact upon health of the move - & the house would have to be sold eventually, which will be hard on DH as last big link with his late DB , but still , am sure it will all work out as it's "meant" to - lazy , yes , but I still think so )

Hope most of your chores are out of the way & you found something amusing to watch . Oh yes , is your Thai friend still away ? And wasn't your good friend opposite away for the winter too ?
< healing thoughts for upward's sleep >

Sorry but must sleep now - night

Goodnight all < still hunting for stove manual ... should I damp down now or ....hopes fairies will forgive my repeated foolishness >

Hoping this will be the night the meds start to help you sleep , upward

Good morning all , with many thanks to our special fairy for making summerhouse homely as only she knows how , even if she can't be on the internet

Hope there's been at least a small improvement in sleep , upwardas you must feel dreadful if not , helpful >

< starts espresso machine chugging for those who like it >

Oh coffee Oh thankyou hob, needed that, Awoke fiveish this a,m, then settled to sleep for the night - realise others have worse sleeping problems, and hope it was better for upward at last.
Brilliant idea to have special fairy abilities for Nilgiri while computer's down, as no-one is so reliable and efficient around the fire - left to me it would just burn out. Apologies for sudden departure about midnight, as don't always have much warning.
An interesting situation re MiL hob, and as you say, it will most probably all work out for the best, while being worrying at present, as people don't always do what's in their best interests.
Neighbours now returned from Australia thankyou, also Thai friend from homeland, who is due here next week, just before a village friend goes away. Not heard from DB for ages, so better check he is still eating at least some proper food, not just sweet drinks and junk, altho
not my responsibility and have given diabetes warning.