Child abuse I've come to a decision.

[dottyspotty]

I was abused [full sexual abuse] by so called brother from age of at least 4 until I was 12, was hospitalised at 12 due to hemorrhaging and found to have a cervical erosion. The Dr's told my parents it was either infection or sexual activity that caused it they dismissed this only found this out off my sisters years later]. When I realised at 17 what he had done to me I told my parents my dad called me all the liars under the sun because I was jealous of how well he'd done he was only in the RAF they also asked him and he denied it as he would.

It has ruined my life I've had counselling on and off but just I get on with things now I have 3 great kids including a DS who has ASD and LD's and a supportive husband who was abused himself, have wanted to confront my mother for some time on why she still treats him like the golden boy. I can't have a relationship with my brother who is 2.8 years older than me because how the hell do I tell him what he did to me.

Was at my uncles funeral yesterday and spoke to some of my family my aunties and uncle basically said I'm living on my nerves and need to sort it only one knows the full story but I suspect shes told them as well. Driving home I thought of nothing more than this, we've got family holiday booked in 10 days going to get that over with speak to my sisters on way home and then I'm coming home and going to the police over it DH wants to come with me but I don't want him to hear full details as he'll want to kill him even more than he already does.

My sisters where also abused by him but not for as long as they are nearer in age to him than me, he's 12 years older than me. He also has a son who's wife has had to miscarriages in the last year this worries me more that she might have a little girl and be put at risk.

I'm not going to out you but you will know who I am - we're on a fb group together and you posted something this morning. If you don't recognise my nickname fee lfree to pm and ask. Well done for taking this brave step - you deserve to do this for yourself. I've done it too, but in a different country where it turned out that I was too late due to the way the law works. It is still something I had to do though. For me and for any children that he might still be abusing.

All I will say by way of caution is do not expect anything from your parents - even if you going to the police convinces them that he did this, which I doubt, they will probably accuse you of tearing the family apart over something that you should have put behind you by now. I don't say this to discourage you, but to encourage you to do this for you and for the people who are close to you and who will believe you.

FWIW the police did not allow me to have dh in with me as they said he might need to be a witness at some point. It was scary - they were sensitive but quite robust in their questions.

For what it is worth I think you have made the right decision. I agree with mad mouse that you should expect your parents to take it badly, to say the least. But it is a noble thing to do. He should face the law and hopefully your sisters will back you up. All the best.

madmouse yes I do know you [at least I think I do I. name change for anything to do with abuse] I didn't put details on fb, I couldn't leave it and went down today to make a basic statement. I live in Scotland but grew up in England so it has to be dealt with by them as its an English crime, woman from family protection phoned to let me know. One of my sisters is going to back me 100% not spoken to the other one. She is also hopeful of getting medical records but not sure how long there kept as they only get kept until 1980 here hopefully its the same she phoned me back again this afternoon but I was sleeping was totally exhausted. My dad is dead he died 5 years ago, mum might never speak to me again she does believe he did it but still goes on about what a good man he is while slagging my other brother off.

What your doing is incredibly brave and sounds like it is going to be the right choice for you. my parents won't discuss the abuse that i suffered at the hands of my brothers friend and due to time and moving away there is no way to trace the individual. I think that's what bothers me the most not being able to confront him in any way. I only hope you can gain strength from this and it works out as well as something like this can do.

Have done my statement this morning held it together pretty well was shaking a bit no tears though only took about an hour, had to go into full details. I said i'd told my parents it was incest [ abuse wasn't really mentioned in the 80's] police have said its not just incest its worse as it was rape. In the end DH couldn't come as a job came up. Police have my psychiatriatric records from when I was 17 and in them its clear my parents thought it was bullshit.
Have since found out that sil caught him taking photo's of her eldest in the shower 5 years ago and never reported it I was furious and have reported it myself. There actually going to see them and tell them he must not be in their house.
My mum will be getting interviewed she can then make her choice of who she wants to stay in touch with.

Well done you that was brave and difficult, but the right thing to do. Be very kind to yourself today and tomorrow. And I'm glad the police is taking it so seriously.

Oh my goodness, I am in complete and utter awe of you. This may be the start of a complete nightmare but will put the other, larger, one to rest. Stay focused on justice for yourself and his other victims.

You should be incredibly proud of yourself.

Just wanted to say, you are so brave. The bottom line is your brother is a sex offender and won't have miraculously been 'cured'. What you are doing will hopefully make some steps to preventing him harming someone else- you never know who else may come forward. Good luck!

Oh this is horriffic. I hope you are getting all the support you need. It is obvious that he has a problem if he is taking pics of young children in the shower.
By reporting all this you have been incredibly brave and you should be proud of that.

Well Done

I know it will feel like there is no way out, but I felt so much better after teh dust had settled and I went to the police to report my abuse.

My mum has never accepted that it happened - but that is her issue, not mine.

Do what is right for you and for all the girls he might meet. That's why I did it.

madmouse is right. Take care of yourself. Have some relaxing time, treats and do stuff you enjoy.

Again - well done.

Thanks ladies slept for about 3 hours this afternoon was totally washed out despite actually sleeping for first time in ages last night, just feel a mess right now and over emotional. I'm ashamed to say at times over the last few weeks have been ready to call it all off with the way i've been treating my DH and bless him he's still supporting me. Detective wants me to see rape crisis or victim support but years of counselling didn't work so I really don't know see how my mood settles over the next few weeks.

your being very brave and doing so well.
Im shocked by your families reaction but not surprised. The police will sort it out and certainly alert ss to any child at risk.

I had a phone call from DC in charge of my case yesterday they went to his place of work to arrest him but he was on leave, going back next week to try again she's going to update me on Tuesday also arranged to meet her over the new year as I'm down to visit my sisters, they have both now given statements as well.

Be prepared for a lot of backlash from your family now. Even though you have no control over when the police do things, you're most likely going to be accused of purposely ruining Christmas over this, probably by your parents. Unfortunately, it will get more stressful as things come to a head, but you sound like you're fairly well prepared for that.

I do think if you haven't spoken to the rape crisis or victim support yet, it might be worth it to make an effort on that. The years of counselling you had previously were when you were just trying to get past (and most likely forget) what happened. Now you're facing it and taking steps legally, you may be more emotionally open to discussing it and working through some of it at this point in your life.

Best of luck.

My goodness you are brave and I wish you the very best. My mum is 70 and was abused by her father. I wish he had been held accountable for his crimes. Good luck.

Triggles I'm receiving counselling off the crisis centre its really is hard going ATM usually takes a couple of days to get over each session the counselor I had before was a male CPN and was group therapy could never open up to him,I'm also waiting to see a psychologist and on medication for sleep and anxiety attacks. The day I did my statement was the first time I ever told anyone any details and a week later I came close to ending it after I realised the full implications of what happened. I have also remembered so much that I had buried in the back of my mind, I didn't know I was abused until I was 16 or 17.

Doing this has changed me so much I used to be really outgoing and I thought strong person now I only go out if I have to and can't face people even close friends.

Really have so many mixed feelings over the developments now, I was told if the statement was good enough I don't need to face him but I'm worried it wont be and will have to he scares the hell out of me.

dottyspotty2 - I'm glad you're receiving counselling, even though it's a struggle for you. I hope that eventually you can come to terms with what happened and be comfortable with yourself.

Dottyspotty you ARE a strong person. That's why you have survived as well as you have. I understand that you do not feel strong at the moment and that you are not as outgoing as you normally are. But that will come again. At the moment it's taking all your energy to get through the days and you need to let your loved ones support you as much as you can. I wasted so much time trying to be who I always had been when going through the same. It really isn't worth it. I wish looking back that I had cared less about what dh's boss thought dh's parishioners would think.

Take it step by step, day by day - and surround yourself with those people who will unconditionally choose you over your brother.

You know where I am if you want to talk. Sunday mornings are not great timewise but I'm usually around in the evenings.

I know this week is going to be really hard I have GP tomorrow and DS's SW is phoning to see if I want her to come up this week for a coffee and chat or not she came to see me on wednesday and was here for nearly 2 hours don't want to put her out again, I have DC phoning Tuesday, DS's new psychiatrist is coming to see how he's getting on on Thursday told SW last Thursday that as long as he's good ATM I don't really care then on Friday I have another session at the crisis centre not looking forward to that at all as the sessions have started to get more intense now.

DD1 phoned yesterday and asked if I had decorations up told her I'm not bothering she thinks I should I usually love christmas but it might as well be over this year not in the mood at all.She's coming to see me today.

Need to go for a proper shop this week simple things like that are so hard ATM usually go first thing and through self scan so I don't need to talk to anyone but I wont be able to do that I even use DD2's old mp3 player whilst shopping to block all the noise out its daft I know.

If the SW does not have time to see you she would not offer, if after an hour she has no time to stay longer she will have the professional skills to make her excuses and leave. So if she offers to come and see you, and it helps you, accept the offer. See it this way. If it helps you, it helps ds.

I know from my own experience how painful counselling can get. But remember that you are in control. If it's too painful, don't say it, there's time. Also remember these are old feelings and old memories. You have already survived this.

Why do you call yourself daft for wearing an MP3 player when you go out? It's not daft, it is what you need right now. Was I daft to clutch a teddy bear during flashbacks? Don't think so! Look after yourself and do what helps you.

Well done chick, be strong and take all the support and help you can get. It will be painful, but whatever the outcome, you will be a stronger person for it. We all have our clutches to help us get through so you don't need to feel daft or stupid. Just keep telling yourself that you are brave, strong and have a wonderful DH and children. I used to stand in front of a mirror every morning, and tell myself i was brave and strong and had the courage to get through the day.

Take care of yourself,you will come out of this a stronger person.

Thoughts x

Well been to GP she's not happy she had referred me to psychologist but they are refusing to see me as I'm under crisis centre she gave me some information about private counselling, also got letters from consultants when I was admitted for D&C can't really see anything that will really help but you never know, there are also letters from when I add EEG for when I first got recurrent headaches/migraines which do mention how anxious and nervous I was and how they where likely stress induced I was 12.

Feel like I've taken 10 steps back today so on edge again, have to go out but can't need essentials started pacing and panicking just thinking about it also waiting for phone call today so doubly worried.

Holding your hand from a distance - you're not on your own.

First make a cup of tea or something else soothing/distracting. Then start again.

xx