Child abuse I've come to a decision.

[dottyspotty]

I was abused [full sexual abuse] by so called brother from age of at least 4 until I was 12, was hospitalised at 12 due to hemorrhaging and found to have a cervical erosion. The Dr's told my parents it was either infection or sexual activity that caused it they dismissed this only found this out off my sisters years later]. When I realised at 17 what he had done to me I told my parents my dad called me all the liars under the sun because I was jealous of how well he'd done he was only in the RAF they also asked him and he denied it as he would.

It has ruined my life I've had counselling on and off but just I get on with things now I have 3 great kids including a DS who has ASD and LD's and a supportive husband who was abused himself, have wanted to confront my mother for some time on why she still treats him like the golden boy. I can't have a relationship with my brother who is 2.8 years older than me because how the hell do I tell him what he did to me.

Was at my uncles funeral yesterday and spoke to some of my family my aunties and uncle basically said I'm living on my nerves and need to sort it only one knows the full story but I suspect shes told them as well. Driving home I thought of nothing more than this, we've got family holiday booked in 10 days going to get that over with speak to my sisters on way home and then I'm coming home and going to the police over it DH wants to come with me but I don't want him to hear full details as he'll want to kill him even more than he already does.

My sisters where also abused by him but not for as long as they are nearer in age to him than me, he's 12 years older than me. He also has a son who's wife has had to miscarriages in the last year this worries me more that she might have a little girl and be put at risk.

Idiot DH as phoned the station and asked her to ring me I'm now going to look like a complete fool who can't handle the simpliest tasks, wish he'd leave me alone to deal with it in my own way.

Just catching up with your journey dotty.

Keep on breathing through it all.

Do go back to your gp if you are having crippling insomnia,you need your mind to switch off and rest!

Talk to your GP

(Oh and please don't take codeine to self medicate)

You are stronger than you think....very much so.

Thingumy I go back to see GP next week but I DON'T WANT MORE SLEEPING PILLS for fear of me feeling like I did all weekend its safer to not sleep I'm used to not sleeping never been a good sleeper in my life.

DottySpotty, I've just seen this and wanted to tell you how very brave and tough you are being and that you should be proud of yourself. By the looks of things you do have a strong support network including the police and your GP--take all the help from them you can get! If your GP is concerned about you, its for a good reason. Talk to her, honestly, about how you feel, why you don't want sleeping pills etc and let her hear you. Don't ever stop yourself from saying something because you'll feel stupid. None of this is stupid (besides your mother and two brothers, but I'm not going to dwell on those wastes of space).

You are a remarkable woman. Be strong and one day this will all be over.

Just had a cracking letter off my daarling mother with a christmas card detailing all the reasons she's not been in touch 'poor me' no mention of her knowing don't even know why I'm bothered.usually as soon as she's ill or has a fall I'm the first person she calls why can't she be fucking honest. I'd just spent nearly 2 hours talking to DS's SW again and was feeling positive as well. THANKS A LOT she doesn't realise I came close to a fucking breakdown.

You poor love. You can do this dotty but I think you need some more solid support to get you through what most would find impossibly traumatic.

Dotty , dont let it get to you. Your mums so far in denial , she probably doesnt even know that she knows.

If she admits she knows what happened , then shes failed to protect you , that would make her a bad mother. And then she has lost you . Somehow if she denys it ever happened , then it never happened and she still got you iykwim ?

Sad , wrong , fucked up , ... i think your mum needs help too.

Obviously you are the priority here , and you need to keep strong and see this through. Keep fighting , ask for support from those that can give it and be kind to yourself. xxx

Had another session today at the rape crisis centre I'm starting to put so many pieces in place she mentioned something called dissasociation about some things I'm remembering now, don't fully understand it though. Sessions are getting quite tough but I know I need to keep at it to find out who the real me is. She did say to me it is still very early days didn't think it was but have to accept that it isn't going to be a quick fix. She thinks my meds might need upping as well as I'm really struggling a lot of the time.

Dotty I'm good at dissociating, well I do it a lot less these days but still. We can talk about it. Will send you something I've written about it too.

Stupid question time, is it just me or does counselling sessions wipe others out was ok this afternoon DD1 came to see me but as soon as she'd gone I slept for about an hour, always do after I've been.

I really wish people would get their facts right before telling me stuff. DH phoned the DC. On Thursday because the state I was in about going out I. was also only sleeping for 20-30 minute spells and up at 3am she informed me he wasn't suspended at all slept 1 hour spells Thursday night up with the alarm and 2 hour spells last night feel so much better for it. Maybe even be able to go out alone agin will give it a try monday have the GP's maybe try after that DC has asked me to phone her after I've been she also says local DC is going to give me a call to catch up with me not spoken to her since October and I wasn't that pleasent to her which I've felt guilty about.I wwas told she understood as it was normal but still I can finally apolgise to her for it.

Found out that the reason my brother wants nothing to do with this is because he thinks the name will be linked back to him what about my sisters and I it will be obvious without naming us who we are. I feel he's being a selfish bastard(sorry) what did he expect me to do remain quiet and carry on living the way I was doing and him possibly still abusing little girls feel guilty enough already about not reporting him sooner. I am still struggling to get through most days but he wouldn't know that, he put on his FB status after xmas 'who needs families when you have good friends' explains a lot he's defriended me now anyway.

Got another session with my counsellor tommorrow really don't want to carry on with it I'm much calmer since my meds have been upped as long as I'm at home, although sometimes feel numb. Found out a few more things in last 2 weeks everyone says to carry on going including DC but it knocks me back everytime. I'm still struggling to go out alone but forcing myself went out monday to town and it shook me up so I ended up going for a drive to calm myself but it wiped me out shouldn't have not as if I'm ill. Still relying on my 16 year old far to much but she's happy to come shopping with me.

Do carry on with counselling - you do need it. I know it hurts like fuck, come talk to me about it. But it heals once it's out.

Glad I went did tell her I thought I was wasting her time as we seem to go through a lot of the same stuff, she says that's normal but she's starting me on worksheets and bringing a book and more leaflets next time she's also asked me to think about what I want and where I want to be.

just seen this dotty!i admire you,such a brave thing for you to have done!
dont ever think youre wasting the counsellors time!

Just had phone call from my brother telling us he'd had the police there and to keep our family away and off his back. He has 2 daughters aged 12 and 14 what the hell is wrong with him he's actually known since he was married 16 years ago because I told his wife and she has always backed me and supported me over it shaking again now seems like 2 steps forward and 5 steps back ATM.

Its horrible because anything that is said to me by others is ok but I'm not allowed to say anything in case it jeopardises the case and get used against us in court I was doing so well last few days. As well in bits again.

Actually got a call off my cousin today brother phoned him whilst walking the street in tears, police told him that they could arrest him and take him to Lancashire if thay wanted to it was the DC who looked after me at first. He's worried about his girls because they used to stay at my parents house alone and doesn't know if they left him alone with them sil was questioned for 40 minutes but she knew they wher going to be coming she's been pm me on fb letting me know what's going on, he also mentioned to him that my mother was questioned to do with child abuse I don't know if their putting some of the blame on her not stopping it and doing something abouy it due to some of the things I've remembered as DC I met at new year told me she thinks she know, doubt they'll tell me to much anyway. I actually phoned her in pieces yesterday over the phone call but she was off this weekend not allowed to keave message just my name in case I get through to wrong person hopefully she'll phone me back tomorrow as DC I spoke to was going to leave her an email. Didn't need this at all this weekend 16 year old DD is really not well at all.

The local police are now looking for photographic evidence just been informed sil gave a statement my niece was only 7 happened at my parents house she also had a massive argunent with my brother for phoning us idiot brother has also informed so called brothers son. I just had call from DC who took me for statement she's coming up to catch up with. Everything I will let her know about him doing that its not his place to intefere.

Have spent last day really pondering everything we talked about she stayed for a good hour and half. Has said I can call her anytime got so much to think about now she wants me to think about compensation but I've told her its not about that, she says it was quite a severe case and I've gone through a lot never saw it as being that bad. Others have had a lot worse. Sil phoned as well told her brothers phone call upset me she said that was nothing she had a whole night of it and didn't sleep FFS I've had years of it. And came close to a breakdown last year she's one of the ones now having a go because I should of done it years ago I know that and still feel so guilty for not stopping him sooner. But I couldn't of done this and been able to take care of my children at the same time, I had been feeling good the last week or so as well.

Really worried now had a session today wasn't great but I only have 4 left what happens to me afterwards. I don't want to do this alone and don't think I can. Had to have a sleep this afternoon wiped me out didn't happen last time shes reiterated that I must take baby steps was pushing myself this week and I crumbled. She says there's a danger of me ending up back at the beginning again if I try to much at once.

You need follow-up. I'm very surprised that you are already nearly finished. I had a lot of help from a charity specialising in counselling for sexual abuse survivors. Ask around if there is anything near you - if not contact your GP about it or that wonderful DC may know something.

Bless you Dotty, I have lurked on your thread previously but didn't really have anything to add, But the usual posters seem to have diappeared atm.

You are so strong and so brave to be doing this. Sher's right you know baby steps is the way to go....

Is there anyway you can afford additional private counselling with the same lady as you now have a relationship established, or return to your GP and ask for further support withy the same woman, particularly as your case is so challenging.

thinking of you.

madmouse just been on phone to my sister said to her I might stretch it out to 3 weekly rather than fortnightly will give me a bit longer I can only try it and see how I go.

She reckons some of the reasons I'm struggling are because I wont except how bad it was, that I analyze everything and need reasons for everything happening in life.