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Child abuse I've come to a decision.

111 replies

dottyspotty · 27/09/2011 09:28

I was abused [full sexual abuse] by so called brother from age of at least 4 until I was 12, was hospitalised at 12 due to hemorrhaging and found to have a cervical erosion. The Dr's told my parents it was either infection or sexual activity that caused it they dismissed this only found this out off my sisters years later]. When I realised at 17 what he had done to me I told my parents my dad called me all the liars under the sun because I was jealous of how well he'd done he was only in the RAF they also asked him and he denied it as he would.

It has ruined my life I've had counselling on and off but just I get on with things now I have 3 great kids including a DS who has ASD and LD's and a supportive husband who was abused himself, have wanted to confront my mother for some time on why she still treats him like the golden boy. I can't have a relationship with my brother who is 2.8 years older than me because how the hell do I tell him what he did to me.

Was at my uncles funeral yesterday and spoke to some of my family my aunties and uncle basically said I'm living on my nerves and need to sort it only one knows the full story but I suspect shes told them as well. Driving home I thought of nothing more than this, we've got family holiday booked in 10 days going to get that over with speak to my sisters on way home and then I'm coming home and going to the police over it DH wants to come with me but I don't want him to hear full details as he'll want to kill him even more than he already does.

My sisters where also abused by him but not for as long as they are nearer in age to him than me, he's 12 years older than me. He also has a son who's wife has had to miscarriages in the last year this worries me more that she might have a little girl and be put at risk.

OP posts:
dottyspotty2 · 21/12/2011 08:38

Just had the phone call he denied any wrong doing she says its not a surprise he's been bailed until march not allowed any unsupervised contact with under 16's and not allowed near myself or sisters. They need to speak to my mother and other brother was crying whilst she was speaking to me I never went out yesterday was to on edge all day. Waiting for the angry phone call from my mother now he's now at home about an hour away from me.

dottyspotty2 · 26/12/2011 16:43

Went through to see my brother today [only one i've got as far as I'm concerned] took his girls presents through their 11 and 14. Found out off SIL that he was there on wednesday with his wife who now knows he only got released on Tuesday, photos that where taken where taken at my parents home apparently he has loads of photo's well he wont for long he better not have pictures of my children. She now knows he's not allowed unsupervised contact,told her police will be speaking to my brother shortly. My mother spent christmas with him as well.

madmouse · 26/12/2011 16:48

What a Christmas for you and what a lack of support Sad - the fact that some of us told you this would happen does not make it any better at all.

Hope you're coping - you know where I am

LoopyLoopsWoopDeWoops · 26/12/2011 16:56

Just want to applaud your strength, well done. :)

boredandrestless · 26/12/2011 16:57

dotty I really feel for you and am glad to hear you have a supportive husband through all of this. You have done the right thing going to the police, how appalling that a relative caught him photographing their DD in the shower and didn't report him! Shock

I have made a statement and been through this myself and the reaction you are going through is the same as my experience so I very much empathise and am sending you Wine or a Brew and a hug.

dottyspotty2 · 26/12/2011 23:09

Dh is furious he wants me to phone the DC about the photo's but shes on holiday until the 3rd don't feel comfortable talking to anyone else.

My arsehole brother wanted to go to his house with his girls yesterday to take his presents but was stopped by SIL. Hopefully by the time this is over [the legal side] he take his fucking rose tinted glasses off.

Had another cry tonight over it. Wish I could have that Wine

ageperfect · 26/12/2011 23:29

Your post made me to cry,for you and all helpless children ,who can not protect them self... I will say a prayer for you,for God to give you strength and courage to face evil people...and i wish you all the peace and love of the world....my God,what a brave and clever lady you are,to go through the hell and still stand up it's just amazing...I hope ,after everything finishes that you will feel free,that you will be able to breath and close your eyes and sleep peacefully ...big hug...

"Oh beautiful, oh dear ,oh sweet freedom,
gift in which all the fortune God gave us,
The true cause to all our Glory,
the only adomment of these woods.
Every bit of silver,every bit of gold
all human lives
can not repay your pure beauty.."
Ivan Gundulic (Croatian Poet)

lisad123 · 26/12/2011 23:52

Holding hand still.
Your doing well, and staying so strong. I know your family are behaving like complete idiots and I hope they realise what they are doing very soon but if they don't you have done your best for your family and any other child in the future.

ScarlettIsWalking · 27/12/2011 00:10

Stay strong darling. How brave you are. People who do this to children have no humanity, no soul. I am wishing you peace and strength.

ageperfect · 28/12/2011 00:27

Dottyspotty how are you today???Hope you are doing wellXmas Smile

dottyspotty2 · 28/12/2011 10:18

I'm not doing too bad had another blub yesterday whilst sitting talking to DH, he has been amazing. He was asking how the counselling was going and it set me off told him it's the fact that I always said HE had made me the person I was because of what HE did ie strong but I realise through talking that it is true every part of my life has been dictated by HIM. I hope I'll be strong and confidant again one day but right now I need to know who the real me is it's stupid I'm 41 and don't know who I really am.

DH says we're going to Edinburgh today don't really want to but I need to get out and about especially as I'm going to Lancashire on Sunday wont really be going out much whilst there except to see family and DC but will have to face people.

dottyspotty2 · 28/12/2011 10:19

I really appreciate the support I'm getting here as well ladies xx

dottyspotty2 · 29/12/2011 21:30

Starting to crash alot again was in bits to DH this morning over my mum WHY DOESN'T SHE CARE she hasn't got the excuse of my dad pulling her strings anymore he's been dead nearly 6 years. The anger towards her is coming out as well we were never allowed to raise our voices at home it was a case of if you where asked to jump the answer was how high.

Whilst I sort of slept for 3 nights after I got the phone call my sleep is now worse than ever and I'm starting to crash at about 7pm in the chair even if it's only 10-15 minutes it totally fucks it up again, sometimes only half sleeping does it. Up and down all night takes a good hour to fall asleep have to have pitch darkness and crying myself to sleep most nights.

Thought I should of been getting a bit better by now seems so long ago that I started it.

RoseWei · 31/12/2011 20:03

You are getting better, stronger, minute by minute. Only just seen this thread and I, like others, am in awe of you. You have done the right thing - you must know that. You have lovely DC and husband (that much is worth SO much) and a life free from the yoke of the past to look forward to.

Family members that matter may well come to their senses one day - at the moment there must be so much confusion and distress but if anyone of them thought rationally about the situation for a split second, they would know that you had absolutely no choice. Sexual abuse is never, ever acceptable and no matter how long it takes to come to the fore, it must and it must be dealt with with the full force of the law. You were a very young child - remember that. You are potentially protecting other small children - your older brother needs punishment and treatment. You can't do those things - but you have paved the way.

Now, take the best possible care of yourself and DC and that lovely husband of yours. May 2012 bring you new hope and confidence. xx

dottyspotty2 · 02/01/2012 11:10

Went to see my sister yesterday its totally screwed her up me doing this feel so bad she says she wishes she hadn't said anything now but just said I'd told her about me. But if she hadn't said anything it would be just me and my other sisters word against his. I can't tell har how badly I'm coping with it for fear of her wellbeing she's 9 years older than me but always been quite fragile

madmouse · 02/01/2012 12:00

Dotty listen, however hard it sounds your sister's feelings are her responsibility and not yours. On top of that her feelings are normal, I'm sure you at times also wish that you had not said anything. It comes and goes.

It is well possibly, sadly, that at this point in time you are not each other's best support because you're all fragile. Try not to worry too much and lean on those who can take the weight for now.

dottyspotty2 · 03/01/2012 23:12

Saw the DC in charge today she couldn't of been nicer, they now have his computers and his wife knows why he was arrested. I asked about confronti my mum over certain things I've remembered but she says not to in case it comes out in court. She says he was terrified when he left and has also lost access to computers at work after she alerted them to something he said. Also been told I won't have to face him in court if it gets that far as they have what's called special measures (video link). Spoken to both sistera one now saying she wishes she hadn't said anything and can't face court, other ones feels extremely guilty she and I are really close always have been she was the one who used to take care of me she has said if she had known she would of taken me off them.

dottyspotty2 · 03/01/2012 23:20

She has also spoken to the DC who first saw me and took the statement, I thought I had been offhand and nasty to her when I phoned her afew days afterwards when I asked for the counselling that she'd suggested. But she has said it was ok have also asked her to thank her for me next time she speaks to her. I'm also to phone her anytime if I'm worried and she says she'll phone at least every fortnight to let us know what's happpening, and if I don't want to talk to her just to tell her so.

dottyspotty2 · 05/01/2012 10:53

Think I've lost DH's support now he told me I've to stop feeling sorry for myself.At least I've got a couple of friends including online ones that I can talk to.

lisad123 · 05/01/2012 12:58

I dont think you have lost his support, maybe he doesnt know what else he can do. Its very hard as a partner having to stand by and watch someone go though a hard time and know there is nothing you can do or say to make it better.
Maybe he feels you need to get back to routine of how things were, he just said it in a very bad way :(

dottyspotty2 · 05/01/2012 20:19

I ended up going for a drive to clear my head he asked where I was going just told him he didn't want me there so I was leaving he called me back but I went anyway.Ended up at brother and SIL's she's told my mother about his arrest and why but all she said was allegedly,they have had a fall out over it SIL backed us up saying to her so all your daughters are liars then yes was her reply. As far as I'm concerned where finished she never protected us from him or my dad when we where kids, only went because my aunt had given me a present to give to my mother and I couldn't face her myself. Don't know what I've done for her to treat me soo badly I've bent over backwards to help her since my dad died. Thing is I should of known better as when I left home at 16 it was thrown back in my face about how much they did for me when I was reallu ill with the D+C at 12. So that's every day this week I've done lots of crying, every time I think I'm going forward I take a giant step backwards.

dottyspotty2 · 07/01/2012 10:56

Now found out he's been suspended from work means I can't go out alone went out yesterday to pay bills and was shaking with fear of running into him as I knew he was up here thursday- sunday. Also found out his first wifes brothers went up Scotland looking for him after his marriage broke down only reason they never got him was the guard at the camp stopped them, that marriage only lasted about a year I was 8 at the time and she had a sister a year younger than me.

dottyspotty2 · 07/01/2012 12:50

Seriously wish I had the guts to end it but I'm to much of a coward.

madmouse · 07/01/2012 12:55

dotty it takes guts to live - and you're doing it. Hang in there, you won't always feel so bad. Talk to someone, preferably in real life but I'll be around for a while online.

dottyspotty2 · 07/01/2012 13:07

DS's social workers coming Tuesday but she'll think I'm crazy if I tell her how I feel scared they'll take my boy away.Got crisis centre on Friday as well.