im so rubbish at being a mum

[thisiscrap]

thats it really.

Im fed up all the time.

I spend too much time on MN (have changed my name obv).

Weekends are fine when DP is at home to help and i dont lose my temper or feel miserable. During the week im left on my own with my kids and i want to scream.

They are good kids. But i shout at them all the time. My 2 yr old follows me round the house everywhere which drives me mad so i shout at her. She has no clue what she's doing wrong but says "sorry mummy" anyway and tries to cuddle me but i push her away. I just need some space from her but i dont know why. She is just beautiful. She must be bored out of her box because i leave her to play with her toys all day. I do the main functions of feeding and helping with the toilet but she demands my attention and i just cant give her it i go to bed every night with every intention of getting up feeling bright and perky the next day with plans of cake making or painting or going out but then spend hours trying to get to sleep. I wake up grumpy (even if my 7mth old hasnt woken in the night) and it goes down hill from there. I dont want to play with her, do things with her, leave the house or anything. She must be totally fed up too and certainly does things to attract my attention.

My DP knows im a bit fed up and there is nothing he can do about it but i just dont get why im ok if he's here but not when he's not. I feel so sorry for my DD - she doesnt deserve this. I love her so much but i just cant do this mum thing at the moment. Am now crying - which just makes it worse - im feeling sorry for myself but its her getting short shrift.

Sorry, long and miserable post.

You could be me right now (No 7 month old yet though... just a bump).

I haven't got any advice though, just really wanted to let you know that there are others feeling the same.

xxxxxxxxxxxx

It sounds like you have insomnia caused by depression maybe? Have you seen your doctor? It's not your fault you know, it's tough with two little one's under two there's no 'me time' left... you need a bit of pampering! xxx The fact that you're so upset by the way you're getting on with DD shows you're not a bad mummy!

Hi thisiscrap,

I'm so sorry to hear that you are feeling like this.
I too get bouts at times like this with the kids and then feel really bad afterwards.

Do you have any friends or relatives close by that you can get to come round when you are on your own in the week??

Have you seen your doctor about the way you feel at the moment??

I dont know what your home life is like, but if you feel like this, then obviously you sound as if you could do with some support.

sorry if i have jumped the gun.

Butty.xxx

give yourself a break, lady. you are not a rubbish mum.

we all have plenty of days when we feel like this. being a parent is a huge responsiblity so it is a huge relief to have someone around to share it.

is it always like this or just every so often? if its always like this it might be worth talking to someone about it.

Im sat here now watching her play on the floor with her dolls and teddies. I feel so sad for her. She is stuck in the same room pretty much all day with me.

I havent been to the docs. Its not there all the time. Only when im on my own with them. Its not surprising she goes running to daddy when he comes home though is it?

As for DS - how can i justify shouting at him? Its pathetic.

Thanks for the posts everyone.

I do have family about 25 mins/9 miles drive away.

They are all busy all the time apparently. If i want to see them i have to drive over there, its too much of an inconvenience for them to come here (my mum cant smoke when here except in the garden, or my dad cant drink, or the IL's dog cant be left on his own too long, or my brothers cant be bothered with getting 3 buses to get here, or my SAHM aunt who lives on her own is too busy etc etc etc).

i dont have any friends. Not close friends anyway.

Have been on here some time too and havent managed to make friends either. Everyone else seems to have.

You should'nt put your self down.

Its hard work being a mum at the best of times, let alone when your partner works away so he's only their at the weekends.

Have you seen if their are any parent toddler groups in your local area?? Maybe worth while looking into in order to meet other mums and get you all outta the house.

Is this just a problem when he is away, or is the fact that when he is there that you dont let him see how you feel??

Sorry to be forward, but maybe it wouldnt harm to go and see the doctor or talk to someone close to you to let off some stam as sounds like you are building up a bottle of emotiona that could really do with coming out.

Butty.xxx

I've been here ages... it takes time to make friends! If you told us who you were we could be your friends ... Do you go to groups at all? I find dragging my arse to groups is the only thing that keeps me sane most of the time... and shhh but I got very grumpy and yelled at my 2 month old the other day... (you're not alone at all!)

It took me years to make one friend around here... and that was down to mumsnet... and I still just have the one...

if you want things to change, you have to change things.

it might help just to tell someone how you're feeling so i would go to the doctors if yours is ok - they might suggest something practical.

if you made yourself take them to a playgroup or storytelling at the library you might find that the weight of responsibility lifts a bit because there are other people around. i couldn't get through the day without getting out and doing stuff with ds. when we're in on our own i go a bit potty.

Can't say if I know you or not from the name change

It sounds like depression to me - I have suffered on and off for years, mine has kicked off again since falling pregnant (hormones screw me up lots). When your DP is about, he works as a buffer - he is there for support and to take some of the constant mental bashing that a 2 year old gives. When he is gone though, you get it all barraged at you, plus the feeling of being completely alone.

Please consider seeing a doctor - they can help, and if you have a decent one, they won't just recommend pills.

Hi TIC, i think you are being very hard on yourself and I think the others who posted here saying we all get days like this are right and I can certainly vouch for that. Your DD sounds lovely bless her so you must have done lots right for a start

I think you need to address the insomnia as being tired will lead you to be grouchy and irritable plus with a toddler that's not hard anyway if you have had enough sleep. have you thought of a natural remedy?

I really would make every effort to get out of the house. I also think you should be thinking about what's good for you too. You mention being stuck in one room isn't healthy for your DD well it's not healthy for you either. Even popping out for half an hour (with no chores, shopping etc to do) Just walking with your dd and s[plashing around in some puddles would be a start. I know when I do this with ds I always feel better especially when it stops raining.

Another suggestion is to try to get even an hour to yourself so if that means your partner taking over so that you can get out of the house could be a tremendous help. Perhaps do a yoga class or even just a bit of window shopping anything helps to take your mind off being a stressed mum sometimes.
Oh, and even on a fab day when ds and I have had lots of fun he always runs up to greet Daddy as if he were the only human being on the planet - I think it's entirely normal.

You have my sympathy. I work 3 days, but on the 2 days I am at home with DD (3.5) I often have fed up days when I think 'What can I do today?'. It is worse in winter when it is cold or wet and the days are short. I try and make an effort to get out of the house for at least an hour or two a day - it is the lack of adult contact and 'cabin fever' that get to me. Even if it is a walk to the shops, or the library, just try and get out of the house.
Is there a surestart centre or playgroup close by?

FA - you could easily have another friend, you just choose to live too bloody far away!!!

Aww I know... but I'm not as breathtakingly funny in real life...

thisiscrap I really hope you feel better soon, if you lived near liverpool I would come round to your house with jaffa cakes...

Where do you live? Are there any MN meet ups in your area? Scary I know (first one on 7th ), but it would help you meet people...

Awww thanks - love jaffa cakes. chocolate does make me feel better on occasion.....

Would just like to clear up - my DP doesnt work away all week but he's normally home at dinner or bath time every day which is the end of the day for my two. Just makes me all the more pathetic really.

I went to the big london meet up. Am trying to make an effort. After making an effort to sit down to talk to 3 people i have conversed with (some more than others) and have them get up and walk off very quickly after for one reason or another it turned out to be as i thought it would. It was a good evening but i felt terribly "out of it". Which is probably totally my fault too.

Made an effort to meet up with another mum somewhere but her friend came along and nice as they were i spent most of the time listening to them talk about their pre-arranged visits to do x, y and z and felt a bit out of it.

I find it a struggle taking my two out together at the same time tbh.

sorry - i meant people i have conversed with on here.

And the mum i met up with with her friend wasnt an MNer.

When i meet people i have nothing to talk about except my kids (i love talking about them but it must be boring for other people to hear about all the time). I dont work at the moment (am supposed to be looking for work but havent the energy), i dont do anything or have any hobbies.

I always feel like my brain is melted when I meet people, and have no idea how to start a conversation (I know I used to be able to, so I am assuming that pregnancy turns some peoples brains to green mush, and it never recovers). So really, have no suggestions on the conversation score... once I find common ground, I am generally fine. I am happy if people read a lot I can normally find some common book and start from there.

thats why playgroup is so good, everyone else's brain is on holiday too. and mainly talking about the kids is what happens.

how about a stories at the library or a class like signing or tumbletots or music where there is a structured activity that you all do together and then can talk about, not so much pressure maybe?

or have you tried the local NCT maybe?

thanks people. Am feeling a bit better now. But then again - DP is due home any minute.

me too

am also catholic and my dad was jewish - so imagine the guilt i get!

and i would love a friend so please cat me.

i understand about family - i swear i went walking all the time when mine were little visiting people. then one day i just has enough.

i wrote a trite shite poem and it was published in the local free newspaper in a regular column they had - f*ck me everyone visited the next week becuse they felt guilty - but they never kept it up. i couldnt understand why people didnt want to make the effort for me - but people dont!

if you didn't think me too much of a fuckwit at the do, please cat me.

my interests are drinking, getting drunk, and regurgitating stories of how rubbish a parent i am. and one doesn't necessitate the other!

now. go look at the local college prospectus and book your self on a six week course in elvis impersonation - or something equally as useless. you will have a new experience to talk about - even if its not favourably. you will be able to get out of the house and meet new people - that doesn't mean that new people are good people but at least you can come home and say to your dp " theres this woman who ....."

see!

anyway if i dont hear from you - please do the college thing. it really will be an experience. just one evening a week for an hour and a half.

I'm woth you on this one - have put both ds's in bed, 3 year old came out, and got told "if you don't stay in that bed theres going to be trouble" in a terrifying tone of voice I know later I will brood on how carp/horrid/awful/shit (delete as appropriate) a mum I am, and like you will be full of good intentions that tomorrow is another day - but its usually the same as today - to be honest - I have found having a p/t job has made it worse, cos I can't be super woman how ever much I try

Keep your chin up, we all struggle from time to time and I have taken some comfort in this thread that I am not alone.