im so rubbish at being a mum

[thisiscrap]

thats it really.

Im fed up all the time.

I spend too much time on MN (have changed my name obv).

Weekends are fine when DP is at home to help and i dont lose my temper or feel miserable. During the week im left on my own with my kids and i want to scream.

They are good kids. But i shout at them all the time. My 2 yr old follows me round the house everywhere which drives me mad so i shout at her. She has no clue what she's doing wrong but says "sorry mummy" anyway and tries to cuddle me but i push her away. I just need some space from her but i dont know why. She is just beautiful. She must be bored out of her box because i leave her to play with her toys all day. I do the main functions of feeding and helping with the toilet but she demands my attention and i just cant give her it i go to bed every night with every intention of getting up feeling bright and perky the next day with plans of cake making or painting or going out but then spend hours trying to get to sleep. I wake up grumpy (even if my 7mth old hasnt woken in the night) and it goes down hill from there. I dont want to play with her, do things with her, leave the house or anything. She must be totally fed up too and certainly does things to attract my attention.

My DP knows im a bit fed up and there is nothing he can do about it but i just dont get why im ok if he's here but not when he's not. I feel so sorry for my DD - she doesnt deserve this. I love her so much but i just cant do this mum thing at the moment. Am now crying - which just makes it worse - im feeling sorry for myself but its her getting short shrift.

Sorry, long and miserable post.

I recognise the way you described being in the house all day every day and having your 2 yo following you around everywhere. I also think you were very brave to admit you shouted at your 2 yo and pushed her away when she wanted cuddles. You know what? You are not alone there. I also have a 2 yo, and whilst he is pretty self sufficient a lot of the time, I feel guilty because I feel he has been forced to be that way. I sometimes feel frustration because it seems to me I can't get on with anything when he is around, but why I feel that way I don't know because he mostly watches CBeebies or plays with toys.

I think that if you are aware that your dd is bored and stuck at home all day with you, you should try to do something once a week to break that routine. Obviously now isn't a very good time because it is so cold, but when it is a bit warmer, take her to the park one day. Do you drive? Try driving somewhere, anywhere. Or have a bus ride somewhere. Would it help you to schedule into your day a few minutes when she gets your undivided attention? If you know those 10 minutes are hers, would you be more likely to give her that time?

Oh and BTW, you are not the only one who feels like she hasn't made friends on MN!

ds1 is now up - and i've let him stay up as I felt guilty about being "scary mummy" - it is a lot harder with two, theres 15 months between my two, and my younger ds shouts a lot and scratches, I wonder if its cos he has seen my temper (not the scratching!) and I worry that I am going to wnd up bringing up bad adults, and it will be my fault - because of my behaviour when they were little

where are you lonelymum, custardo and thisiscrap, you mentioned you went to the london meetup, london is only 30 miles away for me, so maybe we could meet up??

uh oh - sickandtired kills another thread - thats what usually happens!

(by the way - been on here for years - used to be spikeycat by dp found out the name so I changed it - and I haven't made any friends either )

No you won't kill the thread - that is my job! I am not near London. I meant to add to thisicrap that I thought it was very brave of you to go to the big meet up. You are obviously very open to making new firends. I am sorry it didn't work out for you - this time, eh?

Thanks LM, sat and custy. I am trying to get out but i just find it hard to get motivated. Plus petrol costs, softplay places cost etc. Im not hard up but im not working either so it makes it all the harder just now.

Didnt think you were a f*ckwit at all custy. i thought you were great. Even when you grunted when i came up and paid (i know it was the drink talking

I WILL cat you all - thanks.

sorry for the grunt i think i was rather overwhelmed.

i live in worthing near brighton if thats any use to any of you

I Love woethin - my grandma lived there for years, and both grandparents are at sompting parish church - custardo - fancy meeting up!!!!

Thisiscrap - I have just read this thread and you made me cry! Poor u. I have to agree that is sounds like you have depression. You have the classic signs. Nothing to be ashamed of. I have suffered from depression in the past and its awful. Pleeeaaase get yourself down the doctors and soon. You really do not have to suffer. Antidepressants really helped me and I didn't have to be on them for very long. Pleeaase go and talk to your GP or HV.

Problem is, my DP is dead against AD's. Sounds daft but he has said in the past that he wouldnt want me to have them. (His mum was addicted to tranqs i think for 35 years - still is. So is his sister).

Im just a bit scared to go to the docs anyway because it just all sounds a bit daft when i try and explain it verbally. Have failed miserably to explain it to DP several times and given up.

Does dp have to know or is that dishonest of me? It is not him that is suffering after all - or maybe he is, seeing you so sad, and so the Ads would make life better for him too, he just doesn't know it yet.

You need to explain to him that ADs don't have to be addictive like his mother's tranquilisers were. But perhaps you need to hear that for yourself from the GP?

Thisiscrap - you have classic symptoms of postnatal depression - lack of motivation is one that a friend of mine ad big-time.

I think I may remember you posting before - you partner being against ADs because of his mother rang a bell with me.

ADs now are very different to when his Mum would have been prescribed them. Get him to go to the doc with you maybe?

Or try a homeopath - worked wonders for my sister.

You are not a crap Mum nor a crap person. You are ill. You just need to get better.

We all shout at our kids and regret it. So try not to beat yourself up over that.

But please go to the doctor.

My DH hated me being on them too. (I have been on them twice). Its just because of the thought of them and because they are such a taboo subject. He was so worried I would get hooked on them but not all of them are addictive. Depression is a chemical inbalance in the brain. All they do is put the chemical balance right again (thats put very simply I know). If you had a head ache, you would take a head ache pill. They helped me so much. They just kind of clear the cloud and allow you to get on top of things. Your GP will understand. When I 1st went I wasn't even aware I was depressed. I just sat and sobbed in front of the GP. She asked a few simple questions and was able to diagnose. You could also ask your HV to do the post-natal depression test thing on you (sorry can't remember what it is called). It is a list of multiple choice questions - feels like you are doing a thing out of a girlie mag! - and she will give you a score for each answer you give. From that she can determine how you are doing. Please seek some help.

PS. You are not a rubbish mum. It is really tough being at home with little ones.

i dont particularly want to be dishonest about it. So i might just go and let him know once ive been.

Im scared to admit to people in RL that i shout at my kids though and push them away from me. Its such a dreadful thing to do to small children that dont know any better.

Plus to everyone i do know and family, although they know im shy they see me as strong and confident in everything i do and decisions i make. i dont want them to think any differently.

whoops.

It's OK your anonimity is safe with me!

I'm not sure where you're based but I'm in Sth Lincs if thats any good to you?
I have very little life weekdays too, dp works away 3 days so I totally understand the head space you're in, its even more polarising with a young baby.

If your dp does not understand then you need to tell him that you will ask for help with or without his support. There may be another route for you without pills to start with.
Pls CAT me if I can be of any help or whatever, just to chat
xxxxxxxxxx

Like this name better.

Thanks LM and piffle. Its not that he doesnt understand. Im not good at talking, i end up a blubbering mess to start with. Plus i dont want to scare him. If he knew how i was when he wasnt there i think he'd never go to work.

As it is ive called him home 3 times in as many weeks. Last week it was because after getting a reply from my ex employers regarding my grievance and it wound me up. I developed migraine symptoms and rung him. Turns out it wasnt a migraine as such (all the visual disturbances adn nausea etc but no real headache just a mild one). The week before i called him home because DS vomited and i couldnt cope with it.

He knows doesnt he?

Can you make sometime for yourself.I have just had 3 nights away without my two.I really needed it otherwise i think i would have gone completely mad!

Not suggessting you do the same,can you just have a little space for yourself,a bath,lay on the sofa,whatever.I have had serious PND but no medication.I am thinking of you OK

before I saw your name slip up i had trace this thred to you. We are not so far away from each other and I would love to meet up regularly for our little ones to play together ( and I would love the company too). Please call me any time and we can chat/meet up etc (it would do me the world of good too.)

tic: another one who thinks that you have some classic symptoms of depression, and reading your posts sends waves of misery down my spine, remembering shouting 'don't whinge' for almost a year non-stop at Ds aged 2. It felt like non-stop in my guilt, anyway.

AND I felt the same way you do about going to the doctor. But when i did, everything changed. The new AD's are miles away from the things that our Mothers got addicted to, and it is you feeling this, not your DH. Can you imagine him saying 'aaaaargh, my leg has ben agony for the last 6 weeks' and you saying 'don't take any painkillers because my dad got an ulcer form aspirin 35 years ago'?

I am sure you are fab - it's just that you are looking at yourself through the grey misty wondow atm, so can't see it.

'I went to the big london meet up. Am trying to make an effort. After making an effort to sit down to talk to 3 people i have conversed with (some more than others) and have them get up and walk off very quickly after for one reason or another it turned out to be as i thought it would. It was a good evening but i felt terribly "out of it". Which is probably totally my fault too'

thisiscrap, I hope I wasn't one of those people. It wasn't your fault that they walked off quickly - I bet they went off to dance! It was such a big group that it would have been very difficult to hog someone all night anyway. Smaller meet-ups during the day and with kids are better for making friends proper and getting to know people well. It is a bit like trying to find a bloke at a nightclub - you can never really hear what they say and they were probably too drunk to remember anyway. Don't take it to heart, and don't blame yourself. I thought you were lovely, and if I were closer geographically, would come and be your friend and moan about the kids, and let my 3.5 yo boss your 2 yo around!

hello tic

i agree with other posters who have said you are exhibiting classic symptoms of depression. imho, you need to get it sorted for your own benefit - and of course it will also by extension help your relationship with the kids.

fwiw - i went to the meet-up on saturday. i am an "old" m'netter who has done the meet-up thing numerous times before and i still felt very overwhelmed by it all. tried so hard to be smiling and friendly, i think i ended up as a gurning simpleton!

so don't let those "meet-up" feelings get you down - well done for braving it i say.

good luck

sick and tired i would love to meet up - any chance of doing it without kids and on a weekend. can we involve copius amounts of beer? crappy - want to join us? if your not posh and dont mind a grimy kinda place you can stop at mine.

could you send dd to nursery part-time? I'd have gone round the bend without it for ds1 when ds2 arrived and am pathetically grateful for its existence in my remote neck of the woods. It'd do you both good and having to take and pick-up her up would give some structure to the day and get you out. I do know where you're coming from.

Oh, TIC, I feel awful - I'm really sorry if I'm one of the people you meant about at the meet-up. Can't remember where you live, but I'd love to meet up again - I thought you were lovely. I would say definitely go to your GP and see what they say - ADs don't have to be addictive or longterm.

Again, really sorry - although I enjoyed it, I felt like I didn't speak to anyone properly really on Saturday