Think I need meds again, but don't know if I should..

[Am36butfeel66]

Hi, I know I am heading down the slippery slope again of depression but I really don't know if I should go back on meds again. I have lived/suffered with depression for nearly 20 yrs now, and for approx 14 of those yrs was on meds, ending up with high dose venlafaxine, olanzapine, and carbamazepine in combination. Until that was that I became pregnant unexpectedly and had to go cold turkey and stop them as they were all toxic to the baby. My dd is now 3.5 and I have been off all meds since. I honestly feel that for me that being on the meds was nearly as bad as being off them due to the side effects, the zombie feelings, etc....
Prob is that I say I am heading down the slope of depression, but to be honest, I always feel depressed and have done for so long. The anxiety, fear, withdrawal from life etc that we face. But I have been able to keep down a job as a nurse and while in work I can function really well, but when I get home I just coccon myself.
The reason I am writing is that I am off sick at mo due to having surgery which developed complications needing further surgery and two more weeks in hospital, and I know that I won't be back at work for a couple of months yet. But I am not coping at home. I am a single mom living with my own mom which isn't ideal, but unavoidable, and I am finding it hard to cope with my dd. I just feel like I don't like her at times. She is a beautiful child, who everyone says is lovely, polite, and good fun, but I really struggle to like her. I know this is most likely my depression causing this but is medication the way to go? The side effects are always worse on me than depression, and I always get the awful withdrawal reaction even when weaned off them slowly by psychiatrists. My dd is happy and people say is well adjusted, so I don't think my depression is effecting her, as I try and do as much with her and cuddle her etc even though I find it hard. I just want to run away, I'm not suicidal thankfully as have been there in the past, but I just want to curl in a ball and ignore the world. I know when you don't like yourself it is hard to like someone else, which is why I feel this way about my dd, I just feel numb to her...but going on meds may only make me more numb as they have done in the past? Sori 4 the ramble x

This is a note for anyone who reads this..

This thread started off as one thing, and has now progressed to a support thread for us suffering long term depression and our daily struggles.

Feel free to join us if you want, we are friendly:) and I make a good , Chocattack makes good ..:)

rolling on floor, thought you were suggesting that the NHS should give sex to us with depression, til I read on....!! That said I had to google Hotel Chocolat (I mean how did I not get to hear about it - note to self "must get out more"!). I definitely think about chocolate more . Though wouldn't say no if someone was offering, lol!

You're dead right about this having turned into a support thread - maybe should just start another one. I do wonder whether anyone would wade through this one to realise it isn't what it started out as. Just a thought. But I'll ramble wherever!

Tried to stay positive today. More sleep last night helped. Definitely felt less down but unfortunately more anxious. Did you manage to get through without dd getting up? I get soooooo irritable being woken in the night so I shudder at 3 nights in a row. Hope she's brighter now.

Flapjack on it's way (not my best unfortunately - wasn't pushed into the tin enough so a little crumbly - but still tastes good).

Sex on the NHS for depression...now there is a good idea!! . I wonder if we could pick the man the way we can have a say in our Ads?

Dd was up once in the night, but she settled quickly...of course I had a harder time getting back to sleep, and bang in 7.30 she was shouting good morning to me...when will she realise I am not a morning person?...and that I am not as grumpy and shouty with ner when I have had sleep?

I called in at my work today, and unsympathetic manager wanted to know when I will be back...she is only thinking if her sickness levels and not really how I am feeling at the mo! .. Dr had given me another 4 wk line, so at least I can forget about work for a while. I see my consultant on mon to see if anything else can be done to make my physical health better. I am terrified that he will say that I am just going to have to live with the symptoms I have but I hope not.

Have you any idea if anything triggered you to be more anxious today? Was it due to the delayed stress of thinking your therapy was ending do you think? Hopefully tomorrow may be a better day. We have politicians canvasing here at the moment due to local elections....I wonder if I should ask them their views on sex on the NHS for the long term depressed?..

Can you think of a new name for our thread we could start?

It's nursery day tomorrow thankfully, and for you too? I need the break away from dd and ddgran. I have been feeling really uptight today and the feelings of running away surface every now and then...but maybe tomorrow will be better? Let's hope!!

Also new guy started choir a while ago, same age as me, which is great as everyone else is 45 -90? And I let my stupid brain run away with itself...we got chatting, and we are now friends on Facebook, but from reading his profile I think he may be gay. I was hoping that there may be a spark between us, as he is really nice and we have similar interests, but I let my thoughts run ahead of themselves as usual and now I am sitting here depressed about a relationship that didn't even exsist! ..I know i am being stupid, but when you are as lonely as me and someone shows an interest where there hasn't been any for years.....!!!!.... Aaaarrrrgggghhh stupid woman! oh well, when I have morned the lack of boyfriend material maybe I will realises that a friend in RL is what I need too, and be happy for that?...

Maybe I should become a Mills and Boon author for unrequited love with a gay friend? :)

I'm off now to start writing....

Are all managers unsympathetic f*wits? Did she even ask how your recovery is going? Would you like to return soon but the physical symptoms making it difficult? Fingers crossed that things will improve - I recall you're not cut out for life as a permanent SAHM!

Yesterday's anxiety I put down to having to go to work today. Then today whilst there I ended up crying (twice). Embarrassing. Fortunately I had my last (for now) counselling session this afternoon so have unloaded. Actually feel quite drained today. I'm in awe of all the coherent posts on MN when I'm struggling to string sentences together (brain fog?). I can read ok, just not write.

Oooh I'm excited about choir boy (sorry couldn't resist ). A friend is better than nowt and nothing to stop you from fantasizing! So are you going to go out somewhere outside of choir?

As for thread name "Moan and groan" sprang to mind but then I thought it's a bit negative since it's not just moaning and groaning is it? "Daily Mare (spelling?) share and support". Oh I don't know, I'm passed feeling creative tonight. But then you're the writer...!

Oooh just had to scour thread. He's the new(ish) guy you'd said you had no courage to talk too! LOL!

Ooops talk TO.

Morning, .

Yes the choir boy is the one that I was too scared to talk to..we have a concert tomorrow (fri) night, and then are off for two weeks over Easter so I wont see him- which is good as by then my embarrassment of falling for a gay ( I think) guy will have subsided?.. I felt like wearing a bucket on my head the last practice as I was so embarrassed to talk to him... I doubt we will see each other out if choir, but I will keep you informed.

Sorry you had a crap day at work, probably all that pent up stress about counselling and meds had to get out sometime? You are fortunate you can cry as I haven't cried for years...I mostly feel numb all the time. My counsellor says it is my body's own way of protecting itself as I have been so hurt in the past. Means also that on the flip side I dont feel happy and content either as my brain doesn't cope with that either. Which is probably why I find it so hard with dd as most of the time I feel like I am caring for someone else's child...she doesn't feel like mine.

How about Tea, toast, and chocolate served here support thread?

I'm off now to get dd's breakfast. I have counsellng session later this am so need to get dd to nursery. Hope your day ok.

I have to get excited about someone else's social life - I'm not getting much of one myself!

Yes I am fortunate I can cry but I prefer to control the location! More tears yesterday too . The IAPT counsellor set me off. I'm finding sessions so stressful I actually think it's making things worse! Then I plucked up the courage to ask him about the therapy wait. Reply: more than 6 months! After the session, I cried (and talked) for 2 hours and ended up having to take diazepam in the middle of the day which I don't like doing because it makes me too drowsy.

Do you think it's possible to train your brain to feel happy and content? I'd love to learn to do this. I can only recall feeling happy and content at the birth of dd (was that hormones?). It was bliss and I desperately tried to hang onto that feeling for as long as possible (lasted about a month, lol). Is it because of depersonalisation that it feels like your dd is someone else's child?

Hope the concert went well. I'm sending you fresh bread for your breakfast .

Yum yum, the fresh bread was great. Did you bake it yourself? Was really nice after a long day yesterday.

The concert went well, but I was really tired at the end of it. We have two weeks off now, and then back to rehearsing for 2 concerts on June. I really love singing, but I do get quite nervous singing in public, which is really stupid as I have sung in public all my life and I should be used to it by now! hence thats probably why I was so tired after the concert as I had stressed myself out.

How has the first day of the weekend been for you? So far here is ok..we all went out shopping earlier. Only prob is that dd is complaining of a sore tummy again- though ran around and played happily, and doesn't appear sick! I am taking her to dr on thurs for a check up as I think either she has some sort of food allergy or a medical bowel problem as she frequently complains of sore tummy, and she looks like she has a bloated belly sometimes too with frequent poos. (tmi) ..
I hate being a nurse as I know all the potentials of what could be wrong with her...it's sometimes better not to have knowledge and be in blissful ignorance! :)

Wouldn't it be great if we could train our brains to be happy?....it's been so long since I felt really happy that my brain has forgotten what it feels like!!

What are you going to do when your IAPT sessions finish? Have occ health been able to help?

Off to find some chocolate in the cupboard...want some?...:)

What do you think of Tea, toast and chocolate continuing support thread?...as a new name?

Yes new thread name great (meant to say yesterday). I'll see you on it .

Yep bread was baked by me - well the machine, lol! Chocolate would be very welcome (though I have just eaten a whole packet of cheese straws [hangs head in shame]). Really stressed and exhausted today so didn't make it out the house today.

Glad concert went well. Is it purely the public aspect that makes it stressful or do you have to sing solo as well?

Fingers crossed there's nothing seriously up with your dd. As you say, probably not the best thing being a nurse!

Occ health said I can have another six sessions (though with different counsellor). I haven't arranged when yet because I am going to try to bridge the gap until I start seeing the NHS one. Emotionally I'm bouncing around a bit and I'm becoming less bothered about me now that I know my dd will be looked after (my mum will be in town from this week). I can't wait!

New thread started..Tea toast and chocolate support thread..here

Meet you over there from now on.....don't forget the bread...