Think I need meds again, but don't know if I should..

[Am36butfeel66]

Hi, I know I am heading down the slippery slope again of depression but I really don't know if I should go back on meds again. I have lived/suffered with depression for nearly 20 yrs now, and for approx 14 of those yrs was on meds, ending up with high dose venlafaxine, olanzapine, and carbamazepine in combination. Until that was that I became pregnant unexpectedly and had to go cold turkey and stop them as they were all toxic to the baby. My dd is now 3.5 and I have been off all meds since. I honestly feel that for me that being on the meds was nearly as bad as being off them due to the side effects, the zombie feelings, etc....
Prob is that I say I am heading down the slope of depression, but to be honest, I always feel depressed and have done for so long. The anxiety, fear, withdrawal from life etc that we face. But I have been able to keep down a job as a nurse and while in work I can function really well, but when I get home I just coccon myself.
The reason I am writing is that I am off sick at mo due to having surgery which developed complications needing further surgery and two more weeks in hospital, and I know that I won't be back at work for a couple of months yet. But I am not coping at home. I am a single mom living with my own mom which isn't ideal, but unavoidable, and I am finding it hard to cope with my dd. I just feel like I don't like her at times. She is a beautiful child, who everyone says is lovely, polite, and good fun, but I really struggle to like her. I know this is most likely my depression causing this but is medication the way to go? The side effects are always worse on me than depression, and I always get the awful withdrawal reaction even when weaned off them slowly by psychiatrists. My dd is happy and people say is well adjusted, so I don't think my depression is effecting her, as I try and do as much with her and cuddle her etc even though I find it hard. I just want to run away, I'm not suicidal thankfully as have been there in the past, but I just want to curl in a ball and ignore the world. I know when you don't like yourself it is hard to like someone else, which is why I feel this way about my dd, I just feel numb to her...but going on meds may only make me more numb as they have done in the past? Sori 4 the ramble x

Teas ready!.....don't have any peanut butter handy...would nutella do?...it satisfies the chocolate and the nut cravings?...

I'm glad you went out, but I am sure like me you were knackered after it due to all the extra stress we lump onto it?. It was really brave of you to go to someone else's house, and to meet new people. There were people at my night out that I didn't know but I chickened out of saying hello and ignored the fact they were there. That wouldn't have been noticed by anyone as there was about 35 of us there, and we all sat at long tables so that was a good as I wouldn't have offended anyone by not talking.

I couldn't drink on my nite out as was driving, but if I was physically able to drink I would have drunk too much for Dutch courage to get through the night.
I at the moment don't tolerate alcohol after my operations, which is a good thing as I could easily see myself going down that route again too to numb myself in the evenings. I drank before my dd came along..for a period of about 6 months I secretly drank myself to sleep every night I could to numb the situation I was in at that time. I know it was getting really out of control but thankfully I was able to stop easily when my mood improved..and hopefully wouldn't go there again. I haven't drunk much since dd was born...as firstly I live with ddgran who would disapprive of me being drunk, and also my mornings are hard enough without having a hangover to battle with too!....But at mo as I said I couldn't face a drink...and it would probably be a good thing for me if that was always the case.

I totally relate with going out in my 20's to things that weren't me just so that I had friends and a social life, but now I have no social life really at all as no real friends to go out with..
I am in a choir and that is usually my only outing other than grocery shopping and church on a sun. I love singing, and my choir is good in that I can go in and sing and dont have to talk to anyone if I can't face it as it is pretty intense singing and not seen as a sociable chatty event. ( the conductor hates it actually when the practice is disrupted by talking.. So that suits me well!)

What have you planned for this week? You working? I'm about to get out of bed now as dd has to be at nursery soon, then it's sleep for me and some grocery shopping until I pick her up at 4. She is getting a cold again and I hope it doesnt turn into tonsilitis again this time...don't think I could cope with her being that sick at the moment..(I am such a bad mother for saying that :().

Well off now as rambling, enjoy your tea and toast

Oh blimey I give up! I've just typed a response twice and accidentally deleted it twice!!! Why on earth do standard Windows keyboard shortcuts not work on MN!!!. Grrr! So very briefly...

Oooh haven't had Nutella in years! Gave up buying it after I couldn't get jar to last more than 3 days!
What sort of choir do you sing in? Are you able to sing post-op? I keep dreaming about doing something "extra-curricular". Problem is it has to occur within work hours when my dd is at nursery.
I too dread my dd becoming sick. To the extent I'm months (actually years) behind on vaccinations because every friggin time she has an injection she gets ill! And I'm more petrified of injection-induced sickness that the thought of her becoming sick from not having the injection iyswim!
Working tomorrow & Weds (got day off Thurs for appts - eek and mass cleaning session. My allergies are resurfacing so know it's time to get the vacuum out again!).

Ok here's a mission for us both - find some (ok 1 or 2!!) RL friends . I think you've get a headstart what with choir and church but I'm game for a bit of healthy competition!

PS. thinking I need a ddgran to keep my alcohol consumption in check!

breakfast's ready..

I have ddgran packed up and awaiting instructions of where to send her :).... Oh if that was Rl wouldn't that be great though to send her somewhere else for a while :) only joking ddgran...( sort of).

I sing in a choir where I am definitely the youngest by 10 years or so, and then the age range increases to I am sure 80?.. It is quite a cliquey (spelling?) group with the men at coffee at one end and the women at the other, plus some of the women don't talk to me at all....not even hello....but I have made some friends there...not sociable friends, but we talk briefly in between songs. There are about 30 of us, so not too big.
We sing a lot of choral churchy music, but we are not a church choir or linked with one, but we also sing other stuff too, depends on what concert we are doing.

RL friends?....oh that is a scary challenge...may take me a year or ten..:)... I wouldn't be betting on me winning that one!

Am36, you really are an early bird aren't you, lol! Have we ever been around at the same time? By the way, ddgran was waiting at my house after nursery - she back yet ?

Wow, you have men in your choir. Or are they all at the 80 end?!

I've had a strange day today. At work I got dragged into a meeting about a restructure (we'd been warned for almost a year that one would be on its way) only to find out at the great unveiling that the new structure appears (on the surface) not that dissimilar to the current. Unbelievable! I didn't know whether to laugh or cry (I did both afterwards). I had been waiting for this day for a long time. It might sound really weird but I was looking forward to being offered redundancy - it now doesn't appear likely to be forthcoming. I'm petrified of my dd starting school. I'm already anxious about not being able to cope with all the juggling . Nursery is so straight-forward: 10 hours a day, 52 weeks a year. Yet I'm too scared to leave my job (only to end up spending the next 10+ years trying to get another one) but if the decision was taken out of my hands... I'm thinking in ever decreasing circles about "what to do" and I'm incapable of making a decision at the moment. It's a dream and I'll wake up in a minute. Ok I guess I should be grateful for the distraction.

How goes it your end? Here's some chocolate .

Thanks for chocolate, have just scoffed it up before anyone sees and wants some.
Why oh why did you send ddgran back?.....??....I could pay you to keep her for a bit? .... A jar of nutella every day as payment??...:)

It is good that you not redundant..I know you don't think it, but do you think you could really cope with being home very day without a break?.. Does your nursery not have an after schools club? Its just that my dd gets her pre-school year from sept, and she will be able to go back to her present day nursery after that as they run an after school club, which means that school holidays, etc she will go to after school club instead. The nursery will actually pick her up and drop her off at school depending on whether she has a morning or afternoon slot, which is great, as with the shifts I work there is no way I could be around to collect her from school and then drop her at nursery, particularly if it was an afternoon slot. Ddgran mind you feels that she could look after dd instead, but as far as I am concerned she is there for emergencies only....she is eldery and not in good health so that's not an option for me. Means that I can drop dd off at nursery as I do now and pick her up at same time without any hastle. Does your area have any after schools clubs? My tax credits should cover a fair bit of the cost of it thankfully

. I am the sort of person that I need to work...I know that if I ended up being a SATM that I would end up really mentally ill, and an fed up, intolerant mother! So if I was faced with losing my job it wouldnt be good at all..I know how bad I feel at the moment being at home, and I've only been off sick 8 weeks...and 2 of them I was in hospital! So full time at home isn't ever going to work for me. How would you be if you had to stay home all the time?

As for the choir, well, the men are all old, except 3 of them. Of the 3 left, 2 are spoken for, and the other one has recently joined us....and as they say...we're not sure whether he is landscape or portrait....if you get what i mean :) .. He must be gay because you don't meet any 36+ men who like singing, are into women, are nice looking and a free and single!...and as I have no courage talk to him at all...I will never find out!

Me, dd and ddgran (who you sent back to me!! Aaaaaggghhh....) went out today...ddgran wanted to be driven to see some of her old friends..problem is that ddgran didn't contact any of them and say we were coming, so we drove 1hr there, knocked on 4doors, and no one was home!!!...we then drove 1hr back home!......aaaaggghh....and you wonder why I have mental health issues!! I was really peeved!....driving that distance for me at moment was still quite sore..and for it to be a wasted trip was maddening! On plus side dd only melted down once..which wasn't bad for her sitting in the car that long! :)
... enjoy

Why oh why are you being so sensible? You are right, right, right but I'm just soooo fed up with my job - it's only been tolerable recently because I thought I'd get the chop anyway! No I couldn't cope with being a SAHM all day, every day but the way I figure it I'd only be doing it outside school hours! My dds nursery doesn't do an after-school club. It will take children after school hours but (1) you have to pay for the whole afternoon session (approx. £20) and (2) they don't do pick-ups so I'd still have to get her there! Then there is the school holidays and all those random teacher days - I feel sick with nausea just thinking about it. I just had this idea that I could rent my house out and go travelling for a year and worry about it all when I got back! Then maybe move back in with my parents and have a babysitter on hand . I know I've been living with my head in the clouds and I've been brought back down to earth with a bump. I feel cheated though. Sorry this must be hard to understand. I don't need to work (except for money!!) - volunteering should be enough to allow me to socialise with adults etc. If I'm going to live I just need to do something meaningful with my life...

"He must be gay because you don't meet any 36+ men who like singing, are into women, are nice looking and a free and single!.
LOL. Yes and no. He may have joined a choir for exactly the reason of meeting women! You have to say hello .

I shouldn't laugh but your trip today sounds like a comedy sketch! Just sorry you had to endure the pain of the drive. Maybe have a well earned rest tomorrow. I think if I were you it'd be payback time for ddgran .

Ok, so plan is you stay in your present job, but look for another..?..if you hate it that much..?..
But how did you feel about your job before you heard about the restructuring?...maybe you hate the job at the moment because you thought why should I like it if they a going to sack me anyway??....
Now that you know your job is safe, is there anything about the job you like?...any friendly people there?
I once worked in a newsagents and hated it from day one, but only because I knew I was going to leave after a few months, so I ended up with a negative attitude about it and didn't give it a chance, which was why I was asking if you liked your job before the threatened cuts, as now you may have become negative about your job due to your fears about redundancy instead ofthe actual job?...or the job is awful, the people are horrible, and I would then say...leave...but have another job to leave to.

Ok, are there any other nurserys around that offer the after school clubs and pick ups? Would that be an option? As the nursery I use will take my dd for school hols, election days, and training days too. It is costly, but tax credits as I said help, or if you don't get tax credits..does your employer do the childcare vouchers?

I know stupidly that I would be better off not working, and claiming benefits, especially as I could eventually get somewhere to live with me and dd together without ddgran, which would be great. But for my own sanity, and also because I want my dd to see that we all have to work is why I do work. I am worried about the future, but there is so much to worry about that I try and take it a day at a time at the moment.

Do you really want to move in with your dP? Having done that myself I would advise you to be cautious with that decision. It is great to have back up...but that is at the cost of me bringing up my DD my way. I am still 13 in ddgrans eye, and always will be, and as she has raised 5kids obviously she knows how to do it better than me!...!!! Aaaaarrrrgggghhh!!!

Personally I am still hoping (with a supply of hay) for my man on a White charger to come and whisk me away from all of this. :))

As for DDgran...

I can recognise that your advice is good, sound advice. Unfortunately, I'm paralysed and can't contemplate sorting any of it out . It's pathetic I know but I just don't have the energy. I started looking for another job last summer to no avail, I have too many restrictions (e.g. flexible working, expected minimum wage etc). I stopped at Christmas as I was exhasuted at spending around an hour and half a night job searching and then in January the depression stepped up a couple of notches and I became incapable of much.

What I can say is I haven't liked my job for about 5 years and this was a big factor in TTC at the time we did . It was that or change jobs. I did try to find another job but I was restricted because of my then DH. Maternity leave helped, then since returning to work there have been two major restructures so I always thought perhaps there would be new opportunities and the work would improve etc. The people are friendly (on-a-work-level) though.

With this latest restructure my job isn't safe, it's a case of wait and see for another 3 months . I know my job won't exist but it is possible that there may be something similar. Today has been exhausting - my anxiety is sky high and I'm down to my last few diazepam tablets. I (stupidly) shredded my new prescription because I'd been doing really well and decided I didn't need them anymore!

I take your point about moving in with parents. I just don't see how I'm going to cope. The alternative is to have my dd go and live with them (my mum offered a few months back) but I told her "no" right off though now some days I actually think it may be better for her. Selfishly though if she wasn't here with me I'd probably get more ill because I wouldn't have her nagging me to get up .

If only I could believe that white-charger man is on his way...

I have one 5mg diazepam tablet left...I could split it with you? Although I am starting to feel myself 'climbing the walls' at the moment, so I may have to have your share myself...sorry :)
I do have a little pot of peanut butter if that would cheer you up?

You need to write down a list of pros and cons for staying at your present job. Do you think your job is making your Mh worse? Or is the anxiety due to the thought of having to change your life?

I do not have any words of wisdom tonight I'm afraid...I wish I could tell you what you should do, and be able to give you the strength to do it, but I cannot...I can just be hear to listen, with the odd spot of peanut butter and thrown in to help.

You mentioned before about volunteering?...anything in particular you would want to volunteer for? could you survive on benefits? If it was good for your mental health to be out if your present working environment maybe you should think about it?...
Does your parents house have room for you and your dd to have your own room to sit and watch tv etc? To use as your own sitting room?

I am not sure that your dd going to live with them on her own is a good idea...I know you may want to run away and hide by yourself for a while, but that isn't a good idea as you need each other.
I have packed my bags several times to run away from my life... But I as yet I haven't. I suppose I don't have the energy...it is easier to carry on with the same life than to make a new one...it all requires bucket loads of energy.

Rambling incoherent woman off now to sleep and rest sore head... I may make more sense tomorrow....though probably not!....its my TOTM and my belly is killing me! + am having a down day... No reason for it...just having a mope tonight. :)

Thanks. Sorry you were having a down day too - I guess there doesn't have to be a reason. I'm much calmer now - guess that means I'll have to share my diazepam with you since you offered and yet have fewer left than me!). Had my gp appt and have agreed to try ads again -we've just got to decide which one. I'm worried about another false start but just can't see me sorting out any of my challenges without some breathing space. Yet running away would be so much easier! Also had my initial IAPT assessment to see what therapies might be suitable.

I couldn't survive on benefits so being out of work really isn't an option. The anxiety is definitely related to the thought of changes. Don't really have any firm ideas about volunteering, just that it has to be "useful". I'm tired of doing things that ultimately make no or little difference to people/the world. Just makes me feel a waste iyswim.

I'm taking it easy today. DDs at nursery, I'm off work so just trying to relax until I have to go collect her. Hope you're having a better day and that your belly has improved. I hate TOTM - that was one good thing about being pregnant!

I have just covered the bathroom in hair dye! Oops :), I was going to end up bald if kept removing the grey hairs, so I thought I better colour it again....except only meant to cover my hair and not the bathroom though:)

You have made two big steps today....firstly about meds and then about therapy....both of those will be able to give you a bit of a help to allow to cope better with the thought if change. What therapy and meds are you considering?

I have a lifespan session on fri...at the moment I am functioning a bit better than last week in that I have left the house a few times, and not lost it with my dd, but it is the weekends I find hardest..when there is no nursery to send my dd to!.

Nice to see you smiling about covering the bathroom in hair dye. If that was me I'd be screaming - I hate covering it with water! All that mopping up, yuck!

Yep, two exhausting big steps. I'm going to try to stay positive for a while . Not sure about which meds but I know definitely not citalopram (sent me climbing the walls in Jan!) and not venlafaxine (I'm not convinced it did much when I've taken it before). Probably need to start a thread! Gp/I have a few weeks to decide (assuming I go through with it - I'm still really apprehensive as always battled with side effects starting and coming off meds ).

It's good your functioning has improved. Is it just a 2 day weekend for you to cope with your dd? Could you not send her off with ddgran for a wee while ? My grand plan tomorrow is to come up with a daily plan to help structure our days. Good luck with the LI session. I'm considering more longer-term counselling (if I can get it free/cheaply) - six sessions isn't enough - but not sure what sort. To be honest I'm not even sure what sort I've had! Hopefully it'll become clearer.

Hi Choca, sorry that i havent been here last few days, but have just been hibernating and not doing much communicating. Been quite low, and very tired with lots of physical probs...headache, nausea, tummy pains, probably linked with my mood so haven't been able to function to write coherently. Sorry.

How have you been? How was Mothers day for you? My dd made me a card at nursery which she won't give me as she says it is hers...she hasn't quite grasped the concept of mothers day yet! :) DdGran bought me a jewellery box from my dd which is nie, but not really me!...but it is the thought that counts I know!

I always get down at holidays like mothers day etc as I keep hoping that dd's dad would think about us and try and get in contact, which my rational head knows is not going to happen, but my soppy heart hopes it will. He hasn't been in contact since I was pregnant, but I keep hoping that he will one day get on touch...I am I think living in lala land!

Have you come to ant decisions about meds or therapy? Hope all ok?

Hi Am36, glad you're back (for however long ). I actually believe it's good to hibernate once in a while. I hope you like fresh home-made bread (taken straight out of my newly purchased bread maker machine - wish I'd bought one years ago!) because I'm sending you some right now for you to put whatever you fancy on. You sound like you've been through the wars, bless you. I can't cope with physical problems and MH problems at the same time. Hope you've managed to get some rest (make the most of ddgran she owes you big time for the disaster trip ).

I've been pretty good today. I've turned into a domestic goddess (oops forgot to send you the chocolate brownies over). And we had our first proper meal in days (finally recovered from weekend vomiting bug).

Aaahh Mother's Day, fortunately (kind of) being poorly meant I didn't pay it much attention. Like your dd mine made a card at nursery (which she did give to me, lol . As for dd dad getting in contact, never say never. Forgive me if a silly question but what would happen if you ever tried to contact him? I tried a year or so back and vowed I wouldn't again. TBH I only tried because dd asked me to. But always at the back of my mind is that he could one day show up like a bad penny.

No I haven't reached any decisions about meds or therapy. Veering towards mirtazapine but if I have a few more days like today I doubt I'll be choosing any meds! Did you attend your counselling session last week? How did it go? Is that what sent you off on a downer? Hang in there. I'll pop back with a ramble even if you're not up to communicating.

PS Ta for toast and tea.

Oh the brownies are yum...but I am going to have to hoover the bed now as the bread crumbs make me feel like I am lying on a beach . but I must say the bread has a lovely texture, and it tasted delicious with the M+S jam and butter :)
I have always wondered about bread makers if they actually work, but yours tasted yum..maybe I should look into getting one?:)

With dd's dad the problem is I don't know where he is...he moved (and lost his job) when he vanished from my life, and I have no idea where he is now. Our mutual friends at that time haven't heard from him either. It is a long complicated story which isn't suitable for public MN forum, but I will PM it you one day instead..surface to say that i get £5 a wk from CSA and that is the only contact I have with dd's dad unfortunately. He doesn't even know what she looks like. I sent photos for the first 6 months of her life to a solicitor contact I had for him, but they were all returned unopened about a month later. The solicitor had been instructed not to pass anything to him from me.

It is a real shame as I still love him despite what he has done, and would love him to have a relationship with his only child...but that is impossible I feel as he doesn't want it.

Oh well life goes on..(my heart doesn't, but my head does..sort of)

Have you been on Mirtazepine before? I was on it (amongst many others...:)) but I had to stop it as I had weird side effect from it..within 40 min of taking it I was really irritable, and agitated, and I felt like I was climbing the walls...my muscles all went mad too, and I ended up jumping round the bed... Looking back it must have been to my exh that I was on high on drugs as that was how it affected me..., so I had to stop. My Psych said it was a very rare reaction I had, and that I had to stop and try a different one.
As we all know, everyone reacts so differently to meds, so I hope that you will find it works for you. Though as you have had some good days recently, and have managed a bit of 'normal' life, maybe you may not need meds at the mo, and therapy would be better??...?

We didn't do LI on fri as i was feeling so rough, the counsellor said it wasn't advisable, so I am booked in for Fri to try again. I do find the counselling is helping as I can get a lot off my chest in a safe environment. So I am glad I held off on starting meds ADs again, that's not to say that this time next week I may be in crisis and needing the ads , but I wil take it one day at a time.

Dd was in really surprising good form today, and we actually managed a trip to hairdressers to get her long hair trimmed!...without a screaming match, tear, or tantrum all day!!....it won't last I am sure, but not having to fight with dd has made today a better day than I was expecting!

Well I better get some sleep...or at least try and sleep...

and Mr Kipling French Fancy posted as too early for brekkie yet :)

Mmmm Mr Kipling's - that's taking me back!

That's really quite sad about your dd dad. I can see why your heart's a bit mashed especially as you still love him . Some things are so complicated.

I've had another good day today, hoorah! Two in a row! Steady on. Thinking perhaps I should crack open the champagne. The weather was absolutely summer-like. I love summer . I'm seriously hoping I can hold off starting the meds again - "normal life" would be good, maybe could then set about meeting new RL people. Gulp! I have had mirtazapine before but have minimal recollection. I remember it helping me sleep but don't remember how long I took it for, what dose, did it work, why I stopped etc. I've made a note to ask my gp about these things. I know what you mean about this time next week and maybe being in crisis. I worry about how quickly the fall will come and whether I'll have enough time to ride out the 2-4 wk time lag before things (might) improve with ads. I know it will be fine as long as I'm in a state where I care about feeling suicidal. My biggest concern is when I don't care, as that is when I become a danger. If I don't care, I don't fight it, I don't think about the impact on anyone else and I don't tell anyone about what I'm doing in case they try to stop me.

Glad your expectations were surpassed yesterday. I love it when that happens. I've never taken my dd to the hairdressers - too scared of the noise! It's bad enough washing her hair I don't think I'll try a hairdresser haircut until she's at least 16! Fortunately, she's got curly hair which is more forgiving of an amateur trim .

Hope a good day is lined up for us both.

No Mr Kiplings left I'm afraid for tonight, but I do have a tin of tuna or a jar of olives left from Christmas 2001?

Glad you had another good day. Sunshine is always a help, until if you are like me and start to get depressed as you want to go to the beach but the thought of it stresses you into staying at home?.
Weather here was ok, but still waterproof coat weather, although the forecast looks like it may improve over the next few days.

Have you got the Mirtazepine at home? If you did it would mean you could go back on medication the instant you felt yourself falling down the black hole.. Which would be easier than having to make an appointment with gp, and then get prescription dispensed when you dont want to actually leave your house? It means you have the option to not take them at the moment if you dont need them?

How has work been this week? Any more news on restructuring?

How are you going to tackle meeting people in RL? If you have any good suggestions and ideas, I would be glad to hear of them? :)

Dd was at nursery today and the next two days which is great as I can wallow when I need to without her around . Now if I could just send ddgran somewhere too that would be wonderful!..

The hairdressers I took my dd to is my ddgrans one, and there is only one stylist who works on a tues in the place is very quiet and no hairdryers were needed! I couldn't have brought dd into a normal busy hairdressers either as she would freak out about the noise etc too..

Off to get us some biscuits on the tescos home delivery order, any particular kind?

Tinned tuna please! Oh and definitely choc digestives please.

Oh I'm so envious of your 3 day nursery stretch. Has the weather been nice and did you try to get out and about for some peace? BTW what stresses you about the beach? I haven't got anything planned for my 5-day dd stretch . I should plan something (I had good intentions last week of doing this and it didn't materialise!) but doubt I will. It's too much like work, lol.

Work ok this week. Was working out of office yesterday so enjoyed a bit of space from the 'atmosphere' and have been in meetings all today (so not much work going on ). Still no more news on the restructure except we should be getting an update in about 3 weeks time.

My inital plan to meet RL people is to force myself to attend some Mind groups . I spoke with a very nice lady from my local Mind and she gave me information about groups they facilitate. It's a start. And I figured it might be useful to meet RL sufferers too as I feel quite fragile and sometimes intimidated by 'normal' people in social situations. That said I haven't yet decided exactly which session to attend.

I see what you mean about the mirtazepine but no I don't have any at home. In any case if I do decide to go ahead taking them it won't be until I get some childcare help from my mum and she's not able to visit for a couple of weeks. I'm still unsure about trying meds again - just scared that instead of making me better they'll make me worse!

LI for you tomorrow. Hope it's beneficial.

P.S. Ref. hairdressers: I meant the screaming noise from my dd when someone tries to touch her hair!! But now that you mention it, the hairdryers probably would freak her out too!

I got the crunchie biscuits if that is ok?..but problem is the packet is empty!...I don't know how that happened..they were yummy I must complain to tescos about lack of biscuits in packet...:)

We have a beach near us, but last time I took dd, which I admit was a year ago, she wouldnt stay near me, and kept running off with me chasing her. The beach allows cars to park on it, so I was permanently scared that she would be hit by one etc.... I know that a year can make a big difference but I haven't had the strength to try again.

Plus dd has a huge problem with using toilets away from the house!!... It can turn into a screaming match with her sometimes saying she doesn't need to go (while jumping up and down holding herself as she obviously needs to go), or she will then another day use toilets ok!! I get so stressed about it at times when out that we don't go too far away from the house much incase she won't pee. She pees in nursery no problem, but refuses to poo, but I am working on that with bribery!! :)
The whole peeing problem is driving me mad..even as a baby she screamed getting her nappy changed in changing rooms, so this is not a new problem!.. I have tried bribery, praise, etc but to no avail...sometimes she is fine and others she has temper tantrum and we have to come home to let her pee at home :(

Today is last day at nursery for this week, but dd isn't right this am, she doesn't want her breakie but is watching tv in bed with me now as usual..not sure if she is coming down with something or just isn't hungry....time will tell...:(

I sympathise with your 5 day dd stretch. Could you maybe set yourself a task of doing something one day of the five with dd? Make the task a bit easier than having to think of something for everyday and failing as you get tired, withdrawn etc? If you succeed it may boost you a wee bit to see what you have accomplished? How about a picnic? You could make it together and then take it out somewhere?...

Better fly and see what to do with dd....

A flying hello from me Am36. Difficult to string sentences together. Had shitty day (excuse the language), found out from my IAPT assessor that there is a very long waiting list for counselling. Don't know why I'm surprised it's not like I've not been here (ie NHS delays) before. Cannot afford to go private now, or rather doing so would mean not doing something else (probably giving up eating ). There's nothing left to cut back. My parents could afford to lend/give me the money but I'd have to lie about what it's for - they don't think much of counsellors (or MH professionals for that matter). Maybe I should. IAPT assessor kept banging on about contacting my gp or A&E when I'm feeling at risk of harm/suicide. I do speak to my gp but refuse A&E (or out-of-hours gp) because I don't feel supported there. I told IAPT assessor this and he tried to make me promise that I will. Er no! But it did make me "reach out" now exhausted myself talking for 5 hours with my SIL. I hate being so bloody miserable, and I hate it creeping up from nowhere - the sheer intensity is suffocating. Ok rant over. Will reply proper when I'm feeling less volatile. Hope your day better .

Hiya, I've just got on to MN now as was out all day. I'm really sorry you have had such a rough day and wanted to let you know I am thinking of you.

Is your IAPT assessor linked with a mental health centre? Its just that i was wondering if you could ask to be referred to a psychiatrist at the moment who might be able to write to IAPT to get you seen quicker? I understand about a+e..they are really only geared up for a crisis where you need immediate help to save your life, but they don't really have time to talk to you to solve long term problems.

Have they given you any idea how long therapy waiting list is? Could you borrow the money from your parents to see someone every other week or so until you get seen by nhs team?

Does your work have an occupational health team? As they can (confidentially) maybe offer support by getting you seen by counselling teams or advise you about how to get other sorts of free support?...what about MIND? ...?

I am just brainstorming here to see if I can think of how to get you the therapy you need....

I know that parents don't always understand MH unless they have been there themselves, but if they could give you a loan to help you get help now surely it is worth a chance to ask them for help? Could you say money was for something else instead?..have you any physically problems that for example need private physio for?...?...just an idea, but if you parents thought money was for a physical problem they may understand it better and want to help?

Glad that you found someone in RL to talk to today. Try to get some sun on your face tomorrow, and I wil see if I can find you a ladder to get you out if the horrible black whole you are in at the moment.

Keep safe.

Hi Am36, I've come back . Just wondered whether your dd was ok after all the other day? In my rant the other night I forgot to ask . Yes I can see the beach and toilet issues being rather stressful.

Well I've made it to the end of the weekend more or less intact. Just two more days before nursery. The activity planning didn't materialise - it was going to be really basic like "get out of bed by 10.30am, make breakfast, have a bath" that kind of thing - but we did get out of the house yesterday to feed the ducks. I thought the exercise would tire dd out but yet again I ended up worse off . It's frustrating being out-worn by a 4yo!

Thanks for brainstorming. You are so logical, are you sure you're not a therapist? Yes I think my IAPT asseessor is linked with a Mental Health Centre. The whole IAPT business is new to me - last time I "progressed" past gp-led care was 6 years ago. It seems to me that where I live (don't know if this is "normal") psychiatrist-referral only occurs after gp has exhausted most/all options. Obvious problem for me being that right now I'm not even taking ads. I prefer my gp. I see her more frequently than I ever saw my psychiatrist and in any case the latter only prescribed drugs (my gp is more than happy to do that too, albeit she can't prescribe as many drugs - not a bad thing imo!). So I'm sceptical as to how much better "help" I'd get with a psychiatrist. Certainly seems lacking on the therapy front.

I don't know how long the counselling wait is. I was too scared to even ask. The fact that IAPTA said "very long" made me think at least a couple of months. The counselling I've been having (last session this coming week) is through work occupational health (obviously they're trying to minimise work days missed through sickness!). You get 6 sessions in total and I was very lucky that from original referral I didn't even have to wait a week. I haven't decided where to go from here. Will pick up my prescription this week for ads (most probably mirtazepine) in preparation for the following week and see how it goes. Just got to keep hanging on in there even when it seems easier not to .

How's your weekend been? The sun has been lovely here - I'm just gutted not to have made better use of it. I love the sun but even that right now isn't enough. Thanks for the hugs (how very un-MN!).

I know hugs are very unMN but I thnk in the MH threads they should be allowed as many of us here dont get a lot of hugs in RL or want a hug from someone in RL!?!.. I may get scorned for this but I dont care :)

Well dd has a bug of some sort...high temps with sore throat head and tummy....runny tummy but thankfully no vomit (I may be a nurse, but I dont cope well with vomit :)), is off her food which is very unlike her. She plays ok, and then her temp shoots up and she flakes into my bed. She really wants to go to nursery today, but Im not so sure....I know the nursery must be full of the bug already as that is where dd most likely caught it, but they may not apprreciate her being there. She really wants to go thou, and has already cried when I suggested she don't go as she is sick.
I might load her with calpol and nurofen and send her for a few hours as that will keep her happy, she has just eaten some dried cheerios and a breadstick (she doesn't like milk on cheerios!), and drunk some juice which is morer than she did yesterday so maybe she is on the mend? She only had me up once last night with sore throat to get medicine. Oh decisions decisions...

at you thinking I am a therapist...I am just sometimes ok at giving advice, but absolutely shite at listeneing to it myself :) probably all the years of therapy I have had I have learned what to say....

I agree with you that psychiatrists just dole out ADs but they are good at pushing for therapy when they see you need it. So if you have been seen by them in the past your gp could refer you back easily -in fact your file may still be open with your old psychiatrist and if you phone his/her secretary you may be able to self refer without seeing gp. The psych could then use his/her influence to get you up the waiting list. You don't have to be on ADs in my opinion to see a psych, I see mine every year or so at the moment, but he is not discharging me as he knows that as I have had depression since a teenager chances are I may need to see him in the future again for ads etc... I know I can contact the MH resource centre if I have a crisis.

I would also go back to occ health and tell them how you are feeling, and that you need more support in order that you can continue work as you don't want your work to suffer...??...you could lie a bit here....occ health need to think that you love your job and want to continue working there so that they can support you to do that...(don't tell them don't like your job:))

Better go and try and get day started. Ddgran is up now with a disapproving look on her face..."you two not getting up today"?..... I suppose I better get up. Sun not as warm here today but no rain yet.......

toast with homemade raspberry jam, diazepam, and the tv remote waiting for you here. :)

Hi Am36, a massive hug coming your way! I wasn't going to log-on tonight (in need of sleeping pill and bed) but so glad I did. I really can't see the wood for the trees so your advice is wonderful. Is there such a profession as a nurse-therapist? ) I've acted upon it already (thank goodness for 24/7 helplines) and I can have up to 6 more counselling sessions through work (though probably not with the same counsellor as present). To say this is a relief is an understatement. I'm hoping this can buy me some time med-free as I could really do without trial-and-erroring (??) more ads right now. I was almost feeling pushed back to meds because I wasn't getting another option. I love my job, I love my job, I love my job .

Unfortunately, my old psychiatrist didn't think I needed therapy (well to be fair, her boss didn't). However, that was then and it might be different now, after all the IAPTA recommended counselling. But presumably if there is a disagreement between a psych and an IAPTA the psych wins, no?

Hope your dd's bug has settled down and not passed it on to you. She sounds such a trouper though wanting to go to nursery! (And definitely no passing it through cyber-space thank you!).

P.S. Sending you choc flapjacks tomorrow . (see I did it, I finally planned an activity!)

... I am so glad that my new career as online nurse therapist/mad scientist/chef.. has helped you :)

I love chocolate flapjacks, in fact I love anything that has the word chocolate in it :).. My body following all the surgery may not agree, but it doesn't stop me.
I got bought some Hotel Chocolate at Christmas...oh my!...it's better than sex!....(yes it has been a looooonnnnggggg time since I last had any sex!!! .
it should be given on the NHS for those of us with depression..maybe instead of my new therapist career I should run for parliament and have that as my manefesto?... free Hotel Chocolate for the long term Depressed :)

I am gald you say "I love my job".... Maybe if you say it often enough you would start to believe it? :) or maybe not...?...

So it is onward and upward for you, more positive this week than last?...and even thinking about making flapjacks is good.

DDs bug is still lingering, but hopefully tomorrow she will be starting to get better? She enjoyed nursery today, but was shattered when she got home, and temp was up again. She doesn't go on a tues, so she can play here tomorrow and rest when she needs to.

Off to attempt to sleep now. Not sure how successful I will be, but I need to try as dd has had me up the last 3 nights to get calpol etc so I will need all the sleep I can get.

Can you post me the flapjack? Please?...