*deep breath* I regret having children.

[BadGround]

Ive namechanged clearly... even so, writing the title took me about 20 minutes... but it still doesn't sound wrong.

I regret having my ds. He is 15 months old now, and while I'd go to the ends of the Earth for him, there is not a day goes by that I don't kick myself.

It is not PND. I am not depressed or 'down'. No doubt someone will try to convince me it is, just like unhappy victorian ladies were labelled as mentally ill when they were desperately unhappy with the lives society gave them. I am perfectly happy with my life, or rather, I was. My son is perfectly lovely, and my dh is extremely helpfull. I adore them both. And no, I wasn't pressured into it, either. I was in love with the idea. I thought it was what I wanted. Society told me it was what I wanted ,right?

I would never give up my ds, and I look forward to giving him a loving environment to grow and learn... but if there was a way to reverse time, and politely, painlessly engineer him out of existence, I would. Honestly.

It never occurred to me that I had any choice otherwise. Nobody ever tells you that you have a choice. I miss my old life intensely, and the thought that I had every right and opportunity to keep it that way makes me sick. It's got to the point that these thoughts don't make me feel guilty anymore.

I miss my relationship with my partner. I miss what we did together. I miss being able to walk out the front door of my own bloody house without a second thought. I miss having the money to spend on the odd nice thing. I miss having a house full of our nice, beautiful, adult things. I miss being able to ponder freely over my career options.

Honestly, truthfully, does anyone feel the same? I don't mean those who are unfortunate enough to have depression... does anyone actually endure cold, hard regret? Even just sometimes?

I don't want help. I don't even know what I want. I don't think I could describe myself as feeling "desperate". I guess i just want to feel like I'm not a hideous monster all on my own.

I know I'll probably get a million identical replies of "It's sometimes hard... but I wouldn't change them for the world!!!". Although, yeah, I'm happy for you.

Please don't hate me, is what I'm really trying to say. I actually consider myself quite a loving person.

Don't really know how to end this. Over to you.

[bringincrazyback]

@notaskiver

BadGround, if you are real and not a journalist, then your poor, poor little boy. I hope he never ever finds out how you feel.

He, like every child, deserves a mother who wants him, not one who would like to painlessly engineer him out of existence - that just chills me to the bone if it's how you really feel. How anyone can actually write those words about their own child I don't know.

Please try and embrace what is wonderful about your life with him- and I am sure there are many things if you try to see them rather than focussing on your old life - rather than seeking validation online for your feelings of wishing him into non existence.I only hope that his father does not feel the same way as you.

You cannot stop him from existing now, so asking strangers online to tell you it's OK to feel this way is not the right thing to do by your son, loving him is - he needs you.

FFS. Why do people keep reviving zombie threads at the moment? This thread is TEN years old.

[bringincrazyback]

^ Ignore the quote in my post. I was going to respond to this, then realised I was on a zombie.

[QuimReaper]

@bringincrazyback Iw as about to gently scold you saying that people tend to resort to the internet to Google what they're feeling but can't admit to out loud, so are likely to stumble across an old thread like this and possibly not clock the date.

Then I realised @Hodan85 revived a 10-year-old thread purely to shame the OP It's their very first post, too. I wonder what their motivation can possibly have been to have sought out this particular sentiment and bring it into Active Threads, and what they Googled to find it.

[Hodan85]

@QuimReaper - I saw a news article about a similar post on Mumset, but it had no link, so I searched, but found this one instead. I felt compelled to create an account and comment as what I read was so uncomfortable to me. Admittedly I hadn't appreciated until part way through how old the post was. Not really trying to shame, I just felt the post tried so hard to make it clear that this was guiltless, "cold, hard regret" and the comments were so supportive, that I'd give some balance. I wasn't aware of how MN works in terms of reactivating the post, etc I'm afraid.

[bringincrazyback]

Ah, I see. No worries!

[Bronson2]

Fortunately mn deleted hodans completely unnecessary context. This area is supposed to be a safe space for people who need MH support. As much as anyone can post and this is the Internet, its nothing but shameful someone joined to criticise those sharing their struggles.

Fortunately the brave people who shared on here haven't posted for a long time and hopefully didn't see the mean comments. If anyone else is feeling like this know you aren't alone and there are many threads on mn of women sharing their stories.