*deep breath* I regret having children.

[BadGround]

Ive namechanged clearly... even so, writing the title took me about 20 minutes... but it still doesn't sound wrong.

I regret having my ds. He is 15 months old now, and while I'd go to the ends of the Earth for him, there is not a day goes by that I don't kick myself.

It is not PND. I am not depressed or 'down'. No doubt someone will try to convince me it is, just like unhappy victorian ladies were labelled as mentally ill when they were desperately unhappy with the lives society gave them. I am perfectly happy with my life, or rather, I was. My son is perfectly lovely, and my dh is extremely helpfull. I adore them both. And no, I wasn't pressured into it, either. I was in love with the idea. I thought it was what I wanted. Society told me it was what I wanted ,right?

I would never give up my ds, and I look forward to giving him a loving environment to grow and learn... but if there was a way to reverse time, and politely, painlessly engineer him out of existence, I would. Honestly.

It never occurred to me that I had any choice otherwise. Nobody ever tells you that you have a choice. I miss my old life intensely, and the thought that I had every right and opportunity to keep it that way makes me sick. It's got to the point that these thoughts don't make me feel guilty anymore.

I miss my relationship with my partner. I miss what we did together. I miss being able to walk out the front door of my own bloody house without a second thought. I miss having the money to spend on the odd nice thing. I miss having a house full of our nice, beautiful, adult things. I miss being able to ponder freely over my career options.

Honestly, truthfully, does anyone feel the same? I don't mean those who are unfortunate enough to have depression... does anyone actually endure cold, hard regret? Even just sometimes?

I don't want help. I don't even know what I want. I don't think I could describe myself as feeling "desperate". I guess i just want to feel like I'm not a hideous monster all on my own.

I know I'll probably get a million identical replies of "It's sometimes hard... but I wouldn't change them for the world!!!". Although, yeah, I'm happy for you.

Please don't hate me, is what I'm really trying to say. I actually consider myself quite a loving person.

Don't really know how to end this. Over to you.

[freewoman]

15 months is a revolting age. They are messy at both ends clingy and into everything. One never has a moments peace. What is needed is a friend like the one I had when DS was a beastly demanding baby. "Don't kill it bring it over here". Gallows humour gets one through. When they can talk and be interesting it gets much better. Everyone has stages they like and stages they grit their teeth through.

[nurseblade]

Lulublue: Only just noticed your post about termination. Really not sure what to say but didn't want your post to go unanswered.

[JeremyVile]

Lulublue - good luck with things x

[Ormirian]

I was not maternal. At all. I wasn' going to have babies. DH resigned himself to being childless. Something changed about the time I turned 30 and I had ds1 a month befoe my 32nd b'day. The whole process felt entirely alien to me - I was an interloper in the pastel-coloured world of maternity. Once he was born I did fall in love with him and the whole mothering business. That fact helped to smooth over a lot of the misery of having a young child. Some but not all. I had severe pnd with my second baby, less so with my 3rd.

There were many times I wanted to scream and run away. I had bout after bout of depressing, I often drank too much, I felt overwhelmed with the sheer drudgery and repetition of it all. There wasn't room for me. But at the same time I was also in a haze of utter love for my children, they were a miracle , a wonder beyond compare. There were moments of lambent joy the like of which I had never felt. No mere man could hold a candle to them. That juxtaposition of opposites is my main memory of that time.

I often wonder if this ambivalence has alWays been there but there was not the opportunity to think about it or consider any alternatives. Having babies was what women did.

[Guitargirl]

Lulublue - please talk to someone in real life before making a final decision. Please, please do not make such a decision based on reading just this thread. Please do read other happier ones.

Having children has been the most frustrating thing I have ever done but it has also brought me feelings of such love that I have never felt before.

Nobody can or should influence what you want to do but please do not let a thread on Mumsnet be the catalyst in terminating your pregnancy.

You have time still to think things through and talk to someone in real life.

[Acanthus]

Lulu please talk to someone. The people here are posting thoughts that they have, but most of them I suspect don't think these thoughts all the time. Some days are better, some stages are better, sometimes things are bloody marvellous. Don't, please, leave this thread thinking that these thoughts are the reality of motherhood and everyone feels like this all the time, they really don't. Some people feel like this some of the time. That's all.

[BadGround]

What kind of article would want to hear from someone like me? Does that kind of thing happen a lot here?

Please don't accuse Lulu of making a decision like that based on reading two threads. That would never ever happen. :( I'm sure it's based on a lot more but anyway I hope you do what's really best for you, Lulu, and do please talk it over with the people you love. x

[LuluBlue]

Thank you so much for responding to my post. It means so much to feel heard. I did not have the nerve to make the call. Instead I stayed on this site, looking at more and more threads. It would probably help if I had more people in real life to hash this out with-- but I am afraid that isn't the case. My girlfriends all have children, and as much as I think they would try to be objective, they really can't be, and there's no way I can expect that. I also feel that to talk with them so unvarnishedly about my fear of motherhood is to nearly criticize their own choices (which I don't, at all, but my overall loathing of the idea probably would sound like it). I am considering therapy again, and the possibility of going on antidepressants to get through this. I have read that Wellbutrin has been used by pregnant women to no ill effect. I wonder if other women out there have gotten help with their pregnancy (and post-partum) through therapy or meds? Sigh... just the sheer fact that I feel I must be benumbed to get through this makes me again, question the wisdom of it all. But there it is.

[Acanthus]

Yes, a lot of journos lurk here looking for ideas and quotes for articles. I wondered about your thread because you asked people so clearly to open up, but didn't say a lot yourself.

Lulu I'm so sorry to hear of your situation. I have no idea what the right answer is for you and obviously the time pressure must be massive. But I do really think you need to talk it over with someone. Best of luck, whatever you decide.

[Arcadia]

Lulu I know this may not help but whatever decision you do make you will probably end up feeling it's the 'right' one, because the course your life will take will be different but both choices would ultimately work out for you.
I decided I was more likely to regret not having children than having them. I have a 15 month old DD and after a horrific birth have found it every bit as difficult and frustrating as many state above, however my DD is getting more interesting and funnier every day. We probably want her to be our only one and having made that decision I can now look forward to and plan for the future!
Good luck whatever you decide.

[LuluBlue]

Thank you so much, Badground,Acanthus, and Arcadia. For what it's worth, I met with my gynecologist today and she put me an antidepressant. I am hoping that in a week or so that the clouds will begin to lift and I will be able to decipher whether I am merely depressed in general (I have a history of depression) or if the pregnancy is the root cause of it. She urged me to give it some time to make my decision. I will do so, but do feel, each day, that time is "running out." If any posters have other thoughts on particular threads that might be helpful to read, do give a shout out. I'm new here and have found the site a bit hard to navigate. (Spooky to think that journalists come trolling for quotes!)

[JeremyVile]

Lulublue - I really feel for you, your head must be all over the place.

Thing is, there is nothing anyone can say to help you decide. Whatever you do, you'll never know if it was the 'right' decision - there probably is no such thing.

It's good that you have talked in rl and are getting some help, also good that you have got a bit of time to think.

I felt very similar to you once and I had a termination. I really couldn't see a good outcome either way, couldn't decide and just wanted to bury my head in the sand - but of course that's not possible. I finally made my decision based on which 'wrong' decision I would be able to deal with better. Having a child and regretting it seemed so awful, I'd be condemning myself and the child to a lifetime of regret and resentment (of course this may not have been the case, I was going on worst case scenarios) or regret a termination, and that seemed less detrimental, at least it would just be me and I'd just have to get over it.

Dont know if that makes any sense to you, just want to share because I can really empathise with your feelings.

I've never really regretted my decision, felt a little sad maybe but it's fine.

To counter that I also have a son (I have posted further down the thread about him) and he's truly the best best best thing, my favourite person in the whole world, and I'm amazed constantly that someone so bloody amazing could be mine!

I think what I'm trying to say is that there is no way of knowing but I think we have a talent for making the best (mostly) of whatever situation we find ourselves in.

I have posted about my termination a few times and always say that thinking about which 'wrong' decision would be easiest to live with was very helpful for me when making any decision seemed impossible. It might work for you x

[LuluBlue]

Thank you so much for sharing your experience, JeremyVile. Your way of thinking makes complete sense to me.

I think I am leaning very much toward the "known entity" which is childlessness rather than that great unknownof life with a child. I guess all the stories I've heard of women being blindsided by the toil and drudgery makes me think I am simply not up to it. Especially since I am already so fearful!

I have seen dear friends who longed and tried for a baby for years--only to be utterly derailed (and nearly divorce) from the shock of the experience. My dr. today said, "Well, your husband would make a wonderful father, after all, and if a kid has one really good parent, then that's enough."

I like my doc a lot, but I thought her reasoning was off. So, I should just keep the pregnancy going, even if it might eventually make my life (and the baby's) miserable, if only because my husband would surely make an ace dad?

Well, there's obviously more thinking to be done.

But I really can't tell you how much I've appreciated the kindness and the honesty I've met on this thread. I truly believe it's helped more than any conversation in RL could have.

[themothershipcalling]

I just wanted to say that this is the thread I have always wanted to start. The fact that you took 20 mins to evenwrite the title, I totally understand.

[FunnysInTheGarden]

Betty have had 'one of those days', and that poem has really hit home. What a beautiful piece of writing. Have tears in my eyes.

[stripeywoollenhat]

i have these moments of despair when dd is asking to play play dough again or whatever: i miss - no, grieve for some space in my own home. but dd is only 2, of course it is like this: i want a full time nanny, not for her not to exist. and i've found, while much has more or less gone by the board for now - social life, sex life, wardrobe, lie-ins, holidays - that her presence has given me an impetus to actually do the things i had always planned to do, in order to maintain my identity.

regret being a parent? occasionally, briefly. regret dd? never, even for a second.

lulu, i hope that you can reach a point of clarity about your situation. you are early enough in the process to see what difference the meds make before you decide. i wish you luck.

[BadGround]

Loved the poem too. Am going to go and have a hunt for his other stuff.

Had a lovely night out tonight with DH, and left DS with my mum for the evening. Was nice to get some space, and mum adores LO, so good times all round. The only was is up, as they say.

[GotArt]

I miss my previous life terribly, daily. I don't regret having DD or making the choice to round off the family with another, but I regret decisions I've made under the aegis I was making better choices for DD, like moving from London back to Canada. For my own sanity and career, we should have stayed in London. She is two now and although makes me laugh on a daily bases, no one tells you how tedious and lonely being a SAHM can be. I work from home as well, if you call it that, as I usually haven't the intellectual stamina to do what I should be doing once she goes to bed at night. All I do is drink tea, MN or FB, shower and go to bed. DH is a Chef, so he works long hours and essentially has the same life as before with the added bonus of us waiting at home for him. It burns my ass a lot. I am counting down the days though when both are in school and I can afford a nanny just so I can get a good drunk on at an art opening once in a while TBH.

Its been great to have a network of friends here on MN and here in my city with women who are open to discuss and fully understand these feelings.

[LuluBlue]

Ever since reading the poem after Roethke that BettyButterknife posted, I've been thinking of this one by Larkin. Thought I'd post it here for a bit of levity (though I'm not sure Larkin was joking).


Philip Larkin - This Be The Verse

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another's throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don't have any kids yourself.

[BettyButterknife]

I love that poem, LuluBlue. Funny thing is, my dad was the one who first read it to me when I was in my teens. I think he thought he'd pre-empt me finding it as I was a pretty precocious child. I just thought it was brilliant that it had a swear word in it :)

So here's a thing. I find this bit so, so tough - I think months 0-6 are truly horrendous, 6-18 months better but still hard work with not much recompense, 2-3 pockets of fun, 3 upwards absolutely brilliant. I have 2 children but always wanted an enormous family. I know, KNOW, in later life I will regret not having more. But I can't do this first bit again. If I could fast-forward to my fourth child being the age that my second is now, I'd do it in a heartbeat.

[thefirstMrsDeVere]

This thread is very interesting.

I am not one that regrets having children. I have five (one died 5 years ago and one is adopted). If I could I would have more but its not practical or sensible.

BUT much as I love being a mum, feel it is what I was meant to do, I dont miss my old life etc I can STILL connect with a lot that has been said on this thread.

I do not like playing with children, watching children's tv, going out to 'family' things. I do NOT like the school holidays apart from they give a break to the dull routine for a while (before the new routine sets in).

There are always a flurry of AIBU 'to feel really sad when I hear a mum say 'I am dreading the holidays' threads come July.

I hate them. I love my children, I am a good and devoted mother. But I do not enjoy trying to entertain children who do not wish to be entertained. I have realised that I am no good with teenagers and the thought that I have to do this 3 more times horrifies me.

If we could go back to a time where we were allowed to get on with our parenting without a constant stream of info and interference (within reason) do you think so many of us would feel this way?

[LuluBlue]

BettyButterknife, you have a very cool dad.

I feel I've learned a lot, reading all the thoughts on this thread-- from mothers of children of all ages... and have been interested to learn that in every case, it's individual, it fluctuates, that each age brings with it further independence and further challenges, that no mother is ever 100% smitten at all times with motherhood, or even with her child(ren), and that it doesn't automatically make for a lifetime of regret.

I suppose I've always known that, just as with the rest of life, motherhood is not a black or white thing-- and that there's probably lots of "grey space" in between where all of these ambigious feelings fit in.

What makes this thread so enlightening to me is to read all of your varied and thoughtful responses and to realize that while there may be similarities in your frustrations, there are also infinite, individual reasons for your happiness, too. That's a hopeful thing.

Not sure I've articulated myself very well; but hope this makes sense.

Also wanted to add,Badground, that I'm glad you had a good night out. You deserve it!