*deep breath* I regret having children.

[BadGround]

Ive namechanged clearly... even so, writing the title took me about 20 minutes... but it still doesn't sound wrong.

I regret having my ds. He is 15 months old now, and while I'd go to the ends of the Earth for him, there is not a day goes by that I don't kick myself.

It is not PND. I am not depressed or 'down'. No doubt someone will try to convince me it is, just like unhappy victorian ladies were labelled as mentally ill when they were desperately unhappy with the lives society gave them. I am perfectly happy with my life, or rather, I was. My son is perfectly lovely, and my dh is extremely helpfull. I adore them both. And no, I wasn't pressured into it, either. I was in love with the idea. I thought it was what I wanted. Society told me it was what I wanted ,right?

I would never give up my ds, and I look forward to giving him a loving environment to grow and learn... but if there was a way to reverse time, and politely, painlessly engineer him out of existence, I would. Honestly.

It never occurred to me that I had any choice otherwise. Nobody ever tells you that you have a choice. I miss my old life intensely, and the thought that I had every right and opportunity to keep it that way makes me sick. It's got to the point that these thoughts don't make me feel guilty anymore.

I miss my relationship with my partner. I miss what we did together. I miss being able to walk out the front door of my own bloody house without a second thought. I miss having the money to spend on the odd nice thing. I miss having a house full of our nice, beautiful, adult things. I miss being able to ponder freely over my career options.

Honestly, truthfully, does anyone feel the same? I don't mean those who are unfortunate enough to have depression... does anyone actually endure cold, hard regret? Even just sometimes?

I don't want help. I don't even know what I want. I don't think I could describe myself as feeling "desperate". I guess i just want to feel like I'm not a hideous monster all on my own.

I know I'll probably get a million identical replies of "It's sometimes hard... but I wouldn't change them for the world!!!". Although, yeah, I'm happy for you.

Please don't hate me, is what I'm really trying to say. I actually consider myself quite a loving person.

Don't really know how to end this. Over to you.

[SardineQueen]

I think that my parents probably think that I was lucky being able to be so free for so long before settling down.

I also know that I am a different type of women to my mother, she just put up and shut up and got on with it. She says she used to shut herself in the toilet and cry when me and my bro were little - apparently we'd come and hammer on the door - but I know that she would consider how I feel to be a bit self -indulgent. Her POV is that you've made your bed now lie in it, and a bit of hard work never hurt anyone...

Am feeling gloomy today. DH is off to work soon and I have no enthusiasm at all.

[twosoups]

my MIL thinks "you had them...." in other words, you made your bed.

Such wonderful support! I'll be equally supportive as she gets older.

[BettyButterknife]

Read this amazing poem the other day - sums it up for me:

Parenthood
After Theodore Roethke

I have known the inexorable sadness of children's shoes,
squat in their boxes, scuffed after five minutes' wearing,
the incalculable tristesse of Thomas the Tank Engine slippers,
DayGlo blue nylon with immutable plastic badges,
and the cost of all this which is sleeplessness, vomit and Dettox spray,
rage of shoelace tying,
bottom wiping, yoghurt scraping, Ribena mopping,
as you try, one hand glued to your hair, your mouth burning
with sores, to speak politely on the telephone
to the woman who is buying your house,
the doctor who says don't bend, the friend who is just back from Prague
your mother who begins, 'Well, in my day...
And I have seen dust collect under their beds, there is nothing
I can do to prevent it, visions of gin, gallons of it, before breakfast,
incomprehensible gobbledegook of Tommee Tippee instructions,
Tixylix, dawn-light of Calpol, poignancy of vests in their packets,
blockage of buggies in swing doors
and heartbreak of stories by the fire,
Granpa, Peepo!, Peace at Last, the firelight wavering
and breathing slowing to a pulse
that overcomes you with drowsiness,
the furies of your life ebbing as the story, here, now, unfurls,
grows, is fixed, not a word omitted or changed,
by stories are we known and do tell ourselves, daddy,
I'm tired now please, carry me, you forgot vitamins, to bed.

Anthony Wilson

[falseinatrenchcoatandtache]

Betty - thankyou for posting that, what a great poem.

I dont feel like the OP or most of the thread - it gets me down on occasion but not overwhelmingly so but I have had to organise our family time so that we all get some space - for instance I usually spend quite a lot of Sunday on my own - lazing in bed, or shopping or working etc so that I do have time to myself - dh does all the childcare on sundays. If you can I think its important ot have time off.

And it does get a lot better as they get older and you can start going to proper restaurants again and go on holiday without worrying about the flights etc.

[Ormirian]

"I'm a solitary person and having to be so involved with the DDs is sometimes very overwhelming."


I can totally sympathise with that bit annie! I have always enjoyed my own company.

But I could never ever wish my DC weren't here. They are still the best thing I ever did.

[JeremyVile]

I have definitely felt like this. And like you it wasnt depression, or stress it was genuine feelings of having made a huge mistake.

I remember feeling like the biggest idiot for ever having thought that being a parent would add something to my life - when the reality seemed to be that it just took away from it.

I adored, absolutely loved, ds from the start but I would wish he could belong to someone else. I really felt that, had I been single and my family wouldnt have been outraged, I'd have placed him up for adoption. In my mind the best scenario - barring time travel, would have been for someone else to have him and I could visit occasionally.

I also became deeply, deeply resentful of his dad because he could, in theory just walk away at any time - men do it all the time - even though he never would as he took to beig a parent brilliantly. Thank god one of us did.

Ds is almost 5 now and I can honestly say - bar the odd moment of thinking 'I just dont need this, life would be so much easier if i wasnt a parent' (and i think EVERYONE has those thoughts occasionally) - that im over those feelings. I dont feel like ds is draining me anymore, he is a seperate person who I enjoy being with. I can see ways to still live life the way I want to, and I accept that this is my life now - I've almost forgotten what life was like before him. This is my reality now and I have as much chance of having a good life now as I did before. It's just different.

When I think of ds now I get that fluttery feeling in my stomach, i feel overwhelmingly proud of him and absolutly adore him. Him getting older has really helped and I hope it will get even better as time goes on. I look forward to being a mum of a 10yo/18yo...a grandmother. But in the meantime I am ensuring that i also get time for myself, make plans for ME and defniitely dont have any more I couldnt start over again!

[dementedma]

this thread is a comfort - thought it was just me who resented the sacrifices having children has brought. Espcially the loss of my identity. i am now X's mum, Y's mum, Z's mum. This is how society recognises me. And inside there is a little voice growing ever fainter whispering "What about me?"

[philnteds]

this thread is a comfort
its complicated being a mother

you love them to bits but they are draining
i find i am drained sometimes to the point where i can't even hold a conversation and in fact don't want to answer the phone because i've got brainache

i think being an older mummy has got something to do with it

its harder definitely
i miss the old me at university that was footloose and fancy free and the realisation that those days are never to return was a huge shock

i am not good at growing up!!

[Galdem]

I've had moments/periods of feeling like this.

It does get better as they get older.

I have recently started reading again - I mean proper, uninteruupted reading of novels every evening - as I am finally not being woken up at night and am no longer a walking zombie.

I have also gone back to work full-time, which is a fantastic break from motherhood

Hang on in there.

I won't patronise you by saying it is depression, but it is very early days for you and this is a transition period in your life. Motherhood, for me, was like all the pain and hideousness of adolescence multiplied by 100. A very difficult and endlessly long transition. In five years time (providing you don't have any more!) you will be on the other side of this transition and things will probably feel less bleak.

[philnteds]

I know this sounds dramatic at times i think i have thought 'ok i have this new life in my hands I have to pass the baton to this new generation'

but then i think well why the h*ll is my life over? :-(

it isn't over but i guess it has changed so dramatically

and thanks Betty Butterknife i have just sent the poem to a friend in Chicago

[Antidote]

Glad to have found this thread.

Hope to be back later to read it properly, I am counting the hours till July when I go back to work and can feel like a real person again.................

[LoveAndSqualor]

Just wanted to add my agreement. I found maternity leave in particular to be a peculiar form of torture. DS is now 2.11 and all is much better now he can talk, and express himself a bit. I'd happily have skipped everything from 0-2.5. Naturally, I wouldn't be without him, but goodness, it's a drain, isn't it? Can remember my mother screeching "I can't hear myself THINK!" and I now know just how she felt. The thought of having another is terrifying, but I do want DS to have a sibling, so on we go ...

[Bottleofbeer]

I don't agree with the part about having children in the 20s means you have no previous life to mourn, or words to that effect. I wasn't even 20, I was 17. Had two children by 19. I mourned the freedom to come and go as I pleased, the chance to sleep until I was ready to wake up and not when a baby/toddler decided I'd had enough. Mourned the opportunities to do what my friends were doing.

I'm 32 now qith four kids and maybe I mourn the lack of young, free and single life. I never really had it.

I admit that with my first I used to actually visualise a long, black tunnel, the light at the end (which I could never see) was his magical 18th birthday. It never really occured to me that it gets easier WAY before then. It keeps coming up in this thread so there is obviously truth to it - that they DO become far more enjoyable as they get older. You can actually interact with them because yeah, babies and toddlers are bloody boring.

Now my baby days are definitely over I sometimes have twinges of actually missing the baby days but then I recall THAT toddler stage, into everything, too young to entertain themselves, too old to sleep the days away in a moses basket and it's hard, hard work. Boring and frustrating. You can't even have half an hour to sit down and read a book because your time is entirely dictated to you when they're that age.

You're responsible every single thing another human being needs. It's relentless, it just doesn't stop. You want to scream in frustration of it all.

Yep, if I'm totally honest I used to kick myself too. WHY did I put MYSELF in this position? I'm 18 years old fgs with responsibilities I shouldn't have even considered for another ten years. If I could have made him go away with the provision he was born again when I was 27, not 17 I'd have done it in a heartbeat.

Now, without wanting to come across as gushy mummy I honestly love it all. Maybe because my youngest is almost six and even at that young age they're far, far more independent. She can even make herself a bowl of cereal and sit with her older brothers in the morning while we snooze in bed. I'm not the most maternal woman - but they are 'people' now, with their own personalities and it's no longer a parasitic (yes, I mean that too) relationship where it is ALL take, take take. Shit, a couple of them are now even old enough to run a hoover about and wash the dishes for me.

Hang in there, for the vast majority of us it gets better and one day you'll not feel like this anymore. You'll recall HOW you felt and no, it doesn't make you a horrible monster. Just honest in saying the things we pretty much all think at some point but it's too taboo to admit to.

[Showmeheaven]

I can identify with so much of what you all have written. I wish MN was around 16 years ago when I had DD1. We went on to have twins boys five years later, so we had our hands full. I hated the baby years. The sleep deprevation killed me, so much so that it was dh who used to get up during the night to tend to the dc's, God knows what would have happened to them if I'd been a single Mum. I was SO unhappy that my weight ballooned to 18.5 stone. I ate for comfort, to ease the stress and to stave off exhaustion. Each night I would feed the twins in their high chairs while trying to entertain a boisterous five year old while stuffing handfuls of Haribo/crips/chocolate into my mouth to ease my pain. I found the toddler years was just as stressful, the workload was different but it was equally as hard.

I was never very maternal, I assumed those feelings would come naturally when I had a child. I remember getting Tiny Tears for Christmas one year but I never played with her, she lay at the bottom of the toy box, she held no interest for me. It must have been a sign. My older sister on the other hand loved playing Mum, she was desperate to have children but can't have any ... its quite ironic really

My DD is now 16 and my boys are 11. My weight has reduced to 13.5 stone. I now have the time to look after my physical and emotional well being that I couldn't do when the dc's were small. My life has changed so much for the better. We still face challanges with the dc's (teenage tantrums, messy bedrooms, settling arguments etc) but its nothing we can't handle and nothing compared to the relentless struggle we faced when they were small. I love my dc's more than anything and enjoy being their Mum (now) but I wouldn't go back to that time for anything. This thread is refreshing and I agree, a very taboo subject, I've never heard it being discussed in RL.

OP, I hope it makes you realise you are now alone. Good luck.

[OnEdge]

I have flickers of it and push it to the back of my mind like "La La Laaa !!!"

[BettyButterknife]

I think Nigella Lawson said that motherhood is when you stop being the picture and start being the pictureframe. That resonates with me - sometimes I realise I haven't had any lunch, or been to the loo all day, because my entire focus is on two small people.

I miss me.

[twosoups]

A childless friend of mine was admiring my garden today. We've just bought the house and it has a large garden. She had all these ideas about whhat we could do with it, how we could landscape it into areas for small children.

I joked that by the time we could find the time or energy, the kids would be too old to enjoy it. She didn't understand this - couldn't see why we couldn't go out with spades at the weekend.

I explained that our 20 month old needed looking after - we knackered. She suggested the little one could have a spade and join in.

I just didn't know where to begin.

[minxofmancunia]

I'm feeling this way at the moment. I don't enjoy it at all, I get no fun out of it, I literally cannot see the "joy" in having a family at all despite loving them so much it hurts my heart.

I fell pregnant with dd 5 years ago when using contraception. I cried each and every day of the pregnancy but though "it'll be alright eveyone doe it, I'll cope with it" but the reality was worse far worse than i imagined. Had ds 17m ago, and feel crippled with resentment. I hadn't finished my life when I got pregnant and although I've felt ok I've only had a few rare moments of feeling truly happy since dcs. I'm just not a natural parent. I'm having to face up to the fact 4.5 years and 2 children down the line that i don't really enjoy it that much.

I often think that if people really knew what it was like they wouldn't have them. It's like a conspiracy. The worst is the weekend, you do a weeks work and/or childcare and what's the reward at the end of it, more boring soul destroying drudgery with no respite. I'm also a very solitary person and i find never ever being alone so stressful, It's like my heads exploding.

DH keeps saying it will get better, he's a natural parent and enjoys it much more than I do.

[sadmumtobe]

I know exactly how you all feel. I'm currently 16 weeks pregnant which means my life is over now. I'm not even a Mum yet and I'm already being completely restricted.

I hate not doing what I want to do for the sake of someone else. I can't drink alcohol anymore and god forbid I go out because I'm guaranteed to throw up anyway. I'm not even allowed to eat certain types of bloody cheese due to a 1 in 50,000 chance...

If this is how I feel already then how am I meant to be happy when it is here? I'm stuck in a job I can't stand because "we need the maternity pay" and can't just bugger off whenever feel like it to another city for another job anymore.

I think I've ruined my life completely and this is the end of it for me. What little independence I have at the moment will completely vanish soon. But I can at least be glad I'm not the only one who feels like this. I'm a little less lonely now.

[SardineQueen]

You might feel better when the baby comes, sadmumtobe. Some people do find that - every moment of pregnancy is hell and when the baby comes they pick up again.

I do hope that happens

It's just a case of wait and see and keep at it, for all of us.

Is your DH more "maternal"? I have a plan where I am going to go back to work full time and DH can knock his hours back - he's just better at the children than me, and he likes it, and I really don't, and so it seems silly to do the "traditional" gender roles when it's just not working for anyone.

[InPraiseOfBacchus]

"I often think that if people really knew what it was like they wouldn't have them. It's like a conspiracy. The worst is the weekend, you do a weeks work and/or childcare and what's the reward at the end of it, more boring soul destroying drudgery with no respite. I'm also a very solitary person and i find never ever being alone so stressful, It's like my heads exploding."

The 'never being truly alone again' would have been the deal-breaker for me if I'd been told, and taken the time to understand what that meant.

And you're right. What can we do? I'm inspired to do something. Something big, to help this situation, not for me but with ladies thinking about kids. But I feel like doing anything of the sort would be an affront to my LO.

I mean, by the time they've reached this thread it's already too late for some, isn't it?

Much love, and who know, maybe we could make a difference.

[LuluBlue]

This morning I made my first post on another thread (on being nonmaternal), before I found this one. I am 38 yrs old, 8 weeks pregnant with my first and am horribly depressed and ambivalent. I have never felt maternal, had sworn off children a choice that my husband (who is much more a "broody type") respected, while most likely harboring the hope that I would someday see the light. Well, here I am, entering the 2nd month of an unplanned pregnancy and I am just nothing but blind-terrified of everything I read in this thread because it resonates, all of it. The loss of self, the depression, the resentment. I nodded so much as I readthe idea that parenthood in general is a sort of conspiracy... I just wanted to say that I am grateful for everyone's candor. What you are confirming are the worst fears I have for motherhood myself. I have friends who swear up and down that they felt as I did but then the baby arrived and poof!it's been nothing but rainbows and chickadees ever since. I know that they are probably also shielding me from the worst of it, for both of our sakes. That said, I also truly believe that some women are meant to be mothers that they really have that "calling." That they enjoy it naturally and weather the lumps and bumps of it so much easier that types like me who never felt remotely interested in the first place. I know that even posting these thoughts anonymously could not have been easy, since to admit maternal regret is the last bastion of taboo in this very childcentric world. I hope many of the women here can feel better just for knowing that they are far from alone in their thoughts. And I just want to say, to InPraiseofBacchus and others, that this thread HAS made a difference. To me anyway. It is not yet too late for me, though time is wasting. I think I have decided for good to terminate and will make the appointment today. I do hope somenone might respond to this, if only to let me know that my thougts, too, were heard. My best to you all.

[amothersplaceisinthewrong]

I can't put my hand on heart and say that if I were to turn the clock back that I would have kids again. Mine are grown up now (22 and 20) but both DH and I agree it has been hard slog and at times a poor return on investment (as in the amount of time and energy not money!) I do love both my kids and but hey, I am LOVING the fact that half the year they are not around much as they are at uni and DH and I are a couple again. This is our reward!!!! Of course, I rarely admit this in real life as I am surrounded by mothers weeping and freeting over the chicks that have flown the nest!

[nurseblade]

'But I tell you what I really regret - I regret that the generation above us don't give it a thought. My parents' generation had children in their twenties - they'd never had a life to mourn.'

I think they did, and now they have their lives back to go abroad and enjoy. I think it's wrong to expect grandparents to want to be hands on. They already sacrificed their lives once for their children, they shouldn't have to do it again for grandchildren.

[Acanthus]

OP, please tell us you're not just getting quotes for an article or something? Lots of people have opened up to you here.