I have an eating disorder

[ScaredyPants]

Hi, I am bulimic.

No one else knows this though and it's got to the point where I can't stand it anymore. I feel trapped inside my head with the constant need to over eat and then the nagging thought that I have to compensate for my over eating which leads me to usually starve myself and restrict my calories to a ridiculously low amount until I inevitably fail and then end up binging again and the cycle starts again. Or punish myself by abusing laxatives all in the quest of regaining that "pure, clean" feeling which I never actually get.

I know that I need help. I don't want to be like this. I don't want my children to think that this is normal. But I don't know how to get the help because I don't think I could get the words out of my mouth. I'm one of life's cope-ers, I'm the strong one, the one that can overcome anything. No one suspects there is a problem because I don't do problems. It;s like admitting it out loud would be admitting my failure.

I'm not sure why I am posting but I don't really know what else to do and I need to get the words out

No he is very weak ur right .he had lots of problems too he had to work on.he chose not to .he gave up his family for some daft girl that thinks his immature behaviour is acceptable.I think when I learned not to accept unacceptable behaviour anymore in my life it was a huge turning point.its having the strength to say I'm worth more.it gets easier everyday.nobody judges anyone on that thread btw so if u ever want to dump stuff out ur welcome ,have a good day x

IME strenthening all ur weaknesses ,accepting them and working on them is a strong foundation for fighting any addiction.if I'm more contented I don't think about my eating.I worked on anxiety and improving my self confidence with my ed counsellor.changed my life scaredy ,oh and my self help books
Good luck with ur appointments .

I bet his new girl will one day turn round and decide not to put up with his shit either! It will be all his own fault, people like that never find proper happiness I don't think.

My ex has been really pissing me off the past couple of days, just being awkward and rude and phoning me up when drunk. I'm not standing for it anymore though and just turn off my phone and things, I don't need to listen to his drunken ramblings.

I was a bit upset today, my friend (who is diet mad) said to me "so what diet are you on now?" after looking at me a bit and I said "well I'm not, just learning to be as healthy as I can really" (she doesn't know about my problems but does know that I have "dieted" for a long time, obviously omitting details about what I was really doing) and she said "oh, do you think you have put on weight doing that" So i just said that yes I probably had gained a few pounds but I can't be bothered to calorie count forever so would stick with it. But to me that basically sounds like she was calling me fat in a round about way, or atleast noticing that I have put on a bit of weight to ask about it in the first place. I probably shouldn't be so upset about it though

My appointment has been moved back to the 1st April because I couldn't get to the other one with the school run to do and idiot ex wouldn't commit to picking them up helpful as ever

Ur right scaredy until my X does some "me" work on his problems he will just keep repeating the cycle.feeling so much better though because I know the truth.I have managed to let go of the pain and really start to believe the relationship is over so I can move on at last.
IME try and surround urself with positive people thru ur transition to healthy eating .a bit like a druggie staying away from other people who take drugs or an alcoholic staying away from his pub friends.if ur friend has poor eating patterns its all triggers for u just now.
sorry ur X is being an arse,ur right to switch off ur phone.another month will whizzed in re appointment,have a good weekend x

I do generally try and stay away from her, if anything it's really boring listening to her go on about diets (I think she has forgotten anything non diet related from her vocabulary!) I mentioned it to another friend and she thought it was a really cheeky thing to say and thought that she might have said it a bit out of jelousy (as I am quite a bit smaller than her).

Did you have a good weekend? Mine was quite nice, had the last of my sons birthday celebrations (and the THIRD! birthday cake of the week!) so preparing for back to school again tomorrow.

Feeling very bloated because of over eating today and yesterday, just keep telling myself that tomorrow I will feel normal again, and liquid fasting will not help in the long run. Nasty heartburn too.

Glad u had a good weekend,my X didn't see the kids but maybe next week.he is meant to be bringing a trampoline this weekend but I'm not holding my breath LOL.I saw some friends on sat nite,good fun.amazed how much at peace I am now I know the truth re X and gf.its like he is nothing to do with me anymore.only the kids dad.
Glad u recognise good vibes and negative vibes from people.I just don't bother with the negative ones now.I steer clear.I used to think it was rude not to talk but now I keep people at arms length if they're not good for me.
Hope ur managing to do some studying,away for a coffee x

Thats really crap that he is so unreliable :( Probably best to assume that he won't bring the trampoline, atleast if he does it will be a little bonus. Thankfully now my ex is much better (although he still has his moments), it improved a lot when he realised that there was no chance of getting back together.

Glad to hear you had fun with your friends though!! Do you get to go out often?

Todays been much better for me. I kind of did binge. Me and dd made some cakes, and I ended up eating most of them. But I didn't let it ruin my whole day and I got back on track afterwards.

Actually I am about to start studying now, I think I might message my tutor and ask for an extension on my assignment. I don't think I can get it done for monday.

My new plan is to get out once or twice a month ,out again this weekend and going for a drink woo hoo first nite out in a pub for x3 years.I think whatever my X is doin the best plan for my kids is to stay mellow or he will piss off into the sunset .he's not in my life anymore but I would like him in my kids life and I could do with some maintainance ,but yeah wot a jerk.last trampoline blew away in January so this is another dad of the year jesture.
Good ur chilling on ur eating.I think that was half my problem just the whole obsession,u start to let go of that a bit and look for healthy alternatives .just like me and my X .I feel now one door is opening and one door is closing,I have to keep moving forwards into the next phase of my life.good luck with ur assignment !

Hi. I was a bulimic teen - started of as anorexia then changed to bulimia. I now hae a few food hang ups but I live a very normal life, can concentrate on things etc. It took a long time. I wish there was a magic wand, I read so so so many stories of people having got better from EDs when I was in tat place and I thought none of them were like me, but it is possible to get better. Keep posting :)

I remember going to a group for ed in my twenties and this girl was in recovery .I thought really u can get control of it .I was wowed away tbh.completely isolated b4 so that gave me hope .I will always be in recovery but I eat healthy now .

Good for you patience!! It's important to get out and be yourself. Actually I am out tomorrow, I usually get out in the evening about twice a month which I love. I love just feeling like an adult, not like someones mum just for the night. Are you not getting any maintenance? I get a teeny amount from my ex (£50 a month for 2 children, his take home pay is about £1100 although he does over time sometimes which pushes it up quite a bit) basically he says that if he gives me more maintenance he won't be able to afford his house and will have to move to a room in a shared house, meaning no overnight looking after the kids. He knows basically how much my "me time" means to me and has me backed into a corner. It's really hard sometimes, especially when I pay for everything the kids need for school, activities etc and often my grandparents end up helping me out for extra things. Sorry that got ranty again but yeah, being a single parent sometimes is really hard, especially with a knob of an ex!!

Thanks Giraffe for your support!! I hope I will be able to look back and say similar to you one day! :)

I am in a bit of a self hating mood today. I havn't been able to concentrate on getting my work done, I try to read and its like my eyes and brain won't stay on the words long enough. I kind feel like a really coiled up spring just waiting to go ping. I have sat here basically doing nothing all night. What a waste :(

Don't be so hard on urself ,give urself a break ,ur going thru a huge transition just now by getting some control back and being honest with urself about what u would like to change.glad ur going out too.once ur appointments start I'm sure it will bring u peace in ur head so ur in a better place to study.I bet both things will help each other rant away btw.I posted loads on the thread I was talking about.dumped out all the crap and shared the laffs.just helped me move on.hoping now I have moved on from X things will settle down,it was all his lies that wound me up .take care x

Waves to SP hope u had a good weekend x

Hello! I was just coming to say hi! My weekend was ok thanks, finally completed my assignment this morning and submitted it. I didn't do all the questions but I did the main 2 essays so hopefully I havn't done too badly.

Did you have a good weekend?

Well done re assignment ,dad of the year built the trampoline,no worries,just not my man anymore but best chat we had in 18 mths.ok nothing amazing just didn't swear at me .kids had fun and I met up with some northern girls from MN for a cuppa on Sat .so a calm weekend and I love calmness these days x

Wow he built the trampoline!! Thats great! It's good that you are working towards being amicable with him, it always makes life that little bit easier. Sounds like you had a good weekend all in all :)

Today has been binge free despite all the pancakes! 3 weeks and a few days until my referral appointment too which keeps me feeling more positive.

I have been so tired recently, trying to get back into normal sleeping patterns as I am not going to bed until late and dropping off to sleep on the sofa in the afternoon. Didn't let myself sleep this afternoon though so going to jump into bed now. Hope you are having a good week so far!

Got my first belt at kick boxing woo hoo !
Yes amicable is the only way to go I reckon re X s or they will fade from dcs lives.took me a long time to let go but much healthier this way.
Well done re ur eating ur doing fab x