I have an eating disorder

[ScaredyPants]

Hi, I am bulimic.

No one else knows this though and it's got to the point where I can't stand it anymore. I feel trapped inside my head with the constant need to over eat and then the nagging thought that I have to compensate for my over eating which leads me to usually starve myself and restrict my calories to a ridiculously low amount until I inevitably fail and then end up binging again and the cycle starts again. Or punish myself by abusing laxatives all in the quest of regaining that "pure, clean" feeling which I never actually get.

I know that I need help. I don't want to be like this. I don't want my children to think that this is normal. But I don't know how to get the help because I don't think I could get the words out of my mouth. I'm one of life's cope-ers, I'm the strong one, the one that can overcome anything. No one suspects there is a problem because I don't do problems. It;s like admitting it out loud would be admitting my failure.

I'm not sure why I am posting but I don't really know what else to do and I need to get the words out

[ScaredyPants]

Thanks Invisablesoul, thats really good to hear that it is manageable.

Neeps, I admit I am still doing that a bit I think I guess that if I am honest I am still trying to lose weight and I know thats not the right thing to do, but I feel like I don't really know how to do otherwise. For so long I have always been trying to lose weight, it feels really wrong not doing it.

Patience, That is quite interesting wrt codependancy, I have looked it up a bit and I would say I do fit some of the behaviours and I think I am a very self sabotaging person. I think the same about food addiction (which is how I feel, like I am addicted), there is no avoiding it. Atleast if you are addicted to something not necessary to live you could go out of your way to avoid it.

I think possibly I need to look at eating more. I binged this evening after dinner but looking back at my day I was very low in calories (less than 1000 I would have said) which could have helped trigger it. I really want to binge again and order in some take away food, so I am going to try my best not to and start again tomorrow.

I hope that when my referral comes through they will be able to help me with body image issues. I just wish I could shake off this constant "fat" feeling.

[neepsntatties]

Totally understandable, the ed thinking won't go away over night. I set small goals. The first was always eat breakfast no matter what. If I had overeaten the day before I would often start the next day bf restricting but that usually just made me binge. So I made myself have a good start to the day regardless to try and break the cycle.

I never want to go back. ED's are a shit way to live and I have a dd now who deserves better.

How long before you get some help? Hope the waiting lists aren't too bad.

[Patienceobtainsallthings]

If ur interested a book I found useful was melody beattie co dependent no more and women that love too much robin norwood.u have to stick with them to the end but probably something in there for u.I had loads of lightbulb moments reading them,shed some tears and understood things a bit better.

[Invisiblesoul]

I have my moments and i wouldn't classmy eating habits as "normal" but hey what is. I was in age 9-10 clothing yr 2007 and now I'm an 8 and have been for the past 2 years (sorry to talk in size but I don't weigh myself as that's a trigger) so it's possible to maintain a healthy weight. Breakfast is a great way to start. I also try and make Meals I'll eat and freeze them in portion size so I don't over eat it all at once. I freeze bread too but it's very rare I'll keep any in the house. I also kept a diary of what I had eaten and if I had binges/purged. It really helped with the dietician to show her exactly what I could cope with. Any thing carb-y I still have a problem with but I stick to what I deem acceptable. I have big healthy breakfast that fill me up and I feel like I have all day to burn off what I've eaten (if that makes sense) living with bulimia is hell. It held me back in so many ways and you don't have to live like that. It will het better and you sound like your ready to make it go away. That's the 1st step. I also would blow money on food purposely to binge/purge. I found that with the money I was saving (which was scary how much it was costing!) I treated myself to a lippy or a h&m top and that was a good incentive

[mrsjohnridd]

Anouskaa, can you tell us anything more about Overeaters Anonymous, please? There is a group near(ish) to me, but I don't know whether to give it a go?

[ScaredyPants]

Breakfast is a good idea, I do try to have something but I find it difficult. At the moment I just have a yoghurt or maybe an apple too but thats not really a proper breakfast, will have to have a think about how to add a few more calories to it.

Will look up those books and see about getting a copy on amazon, anything that might help me understand why I am like this has got to be a good thing.

Carbs are a big problem for me too, they are just really unsafe and I avoid having them at all. I find it easier to eat gluten and wheat free alternatives of things though (like rice noodles or buckwheat noodles) but still would rather just not have them.

I spend so much money on food, last night I had a take away, othger days I will just buy sweet food just for the purpose of binging. I might try putting a bit of money aside if I have avoided a binge as a reward.

I have just had the worst day. I feel really terrible. Just flat and unmotivated, or angry and irritable at everything. I just want to go to bed and sleep until I feel better again. My ex had a massive go at me because he says I am so rude and grumpy (ok I will admit to being grumpy but I wasn't rude, I was upfront with the fact I was in a bad mood and didn't want to talk but he took offense at it) and I have been grumpy with the kids. I have nothing to look forward to this weekend, just shit loads of uni work I desperately need to catch up with :(

I don't know how long the referral will take, I didnt think to ask when I was there (wish I did now!) but I hope not too long. If anything I could really use some help with my general mood and anxiety even if I have to wait longer for more specialist help. Thanks for replying and sharing your experiences with me though :)

[Invisiblesoul]

Sounds like your getting in the right headspace. Do you have anything that can fill your time? I turned into a beauty freak! I filled my time watching beauty tutorials on you tube and copying them. Doing my nails, face masks ect. Then it made me look better so I felt better and kept me occupied when I would of been binging. The moody ness will pass. Your got alot on your mind it's no wonder your grumpy. Take tine for yourself. You deserve it x

[Patienceobtainsallthings]

I think the moods and blood sugar levels are linked ie if u can eat little and often it helps to even things out.
Re the books I had the same opinion ,take what was relevant and leave the rest ,but stick with them til the end and stay open minded.
Pampering is fab I agree ,all about learning to love myself again and celebrate being me.
I am a big camomile tea drinker too
ROFL ,since I became a single mum I just went all out to find peace .all about putting myself first if mums happy, kids are happy and I have strength to deal with all the people positive and negative I have to meet in a day x

[ScaredyPants]

I am supposed to be studying but I am finding it really difficult to concentrate for long enough to do much. I really do need to start working on it because I am getting behind.

Well last night I did my nails because a couple had broken off and the polish was all chipped so I filed and shaped and painted them so they look better, and this morning I went out and had my eyebrows threaded (I would much rather just come home after the school run and sat around but I was glad I made myself go) so I do feel like I look a bit better.

I am really tired but I don't have the kids tonight so I plan to sleep in a bit in the morning.

I think being a single parent and not having anyone to rely on each day is a motivation for getting properly better. I feel really guilty when I am preoccupied with other things and not paying attention to the kids, or when I am grump and snappy with them. Plus I know that I do deserve to be happy with myself and I am the only one that can make it happen. Theres no one else to put me first but me, so I had better learn how too

[wileycoyote]

Another vote here for over-eaters anonymous. I had such a bad eating disorder I nearly died. Icouldn't work, function, participate in life etc etc because I was OBSESSED with food, calories, eating, not eating, weight.

The obsession was horrendous. I wanted to kill myself and I couldn't stop bingeing. I NEVER thought I would be a normal eater. I have now been in recovery for 15 years. I have been sugar free all that time (I found that was a trigger to binge and it made me fell stoned/numb when consumed in huge quantities).

It is possible to make a complete recovery. I had to start trying to love myself and work on accepting myself and my feelings, develop and grow. I also completely agree that co-dependency is often the underlying issue - but you need to get the food somewhat under control before you can deal with the feelings.

[Patienceobtainsallthings]

I agree it definately is one step at a time ,good u treated urself today ,I found the codependency books quite heavy going emotionally but glad I read them iyswim .but my eating has been stable ish for 16 yrs .I only discovered co dependency thru mn when my marriage broke down last year .just helped me understand the patterns that made me so stressed and unhappy.you 'll get around to that stuff when ur ready I have read loads of stuff since my split just to help me find peace ,just uplifting easy reading to help me to see life doesn't have to be so tough.bet uve got enough to read just now with ur studies .sending u big hugs have a good weekend x

[ScaredyPants]

Wiley I am glad to hear that you have been in recovery for so long, it must have been hard going sugar free at first though? Sugary foods are probably my biggest craving, it's what starts even the thought of a binge for me.

Patience, its really good to hear that you are doing these things to make yourself feel better. I also have been single since last year, its easy to get into the trap of doing nothing for yourself but I am determined not to let it get me.

I got a letter today about an assessment appointment with the community mental health team in a months time. I can see that it's been cc-ed to the eating disorder specialist as well as my gp so maybe I will have to see them first before anything else. I don't know. It will soon be March anyway, with next week being half term I am sure it will fly past.

[Patienceobtainsallthings]

Good for u sp,I agree the single life takes a bit of getting used too but the stress of a relationship breaking down can harm our self esteem too.after the shock I am learning to love myself and put myself first for the first time in my life.I still have wobbles but my inner strength is better than its ever been.its well worth taking ur time to rebuild and really get urself firing on all cylinders.step by step u will walk ur own path,take care. x

[ScaredyPants]

I think low self esteem is one of my main problems. My ex wasn't very nice to me a lot of the time, especially about my weight, so I suppose it's only natural to not think a lot of myself.

I have managed not to binge properly for 2 days now, although I think I have over eaten on a couple of occassions. I am having a really fat feeling day today. I must have put on a couple of pounds at least (but I have avoided weighing myself) and I can feel it sitting on me.

[Patienceobtainsallthings]

Oh I am so happy for u scaredy I really mean that .at the start I just had to keep myself busy to pass the time.have u read any of the Susan jeffers books feel the fear and do it anyway.all quite easy to read stuff if u can instead of watching the telly kinda thing.just about training ourselves to look at a more positive approach to life and flourish.I hate that bloaty feeling I had it last week for no reason but its gone now.btw I had never read a self help book b4 I got chucked now I've got tons LOL but they have all helped me have lightbulb moments about situations I have found myself in.oh and loads of pampering,moisturising face packs etc x

[ScaredyPants]

After a couple of good days I have had a couple of rubbish days!! I did expect it really, it's my sons birthday tomorrow and we have been staying with my sister so had a take away and a birthday cake, we came on the train so had loads of snacks to keep the kids amused etc. I have eaten constantly for 2 days!! Tomorrow we are at my grandparents and will have another cake too and eat even more food. Back to normal Thursday at least so I can get back into my routine (well normal half term routine anyway!) Still got that fat feeling which is rubbish. Also being London fashion week there are so many triggering pictures about (especially the Erdem show). Oh well, I will survive!

I havn't read any of those books, I will have to start an amazon wish list and have a look in the library!!

[Patienceobtainsallthings]

Susan jeffers books are really easy reads.but just make u look at how an inner negative voice can hold u back from loving urself.have a good day at gps.if its any consolation hardly any of the models look that way naturally.fit and healthy is a much better look imo x

[ScaredyPants]

Will definitely have a look for them! I could use a little more loving myself.

I do know that, and I know that men in the majority don't go for that look but I just still can't get rid of the thinner = better mentality. I hope that it comes with time and getting a healthier outlook!

[Patienceobtainsallthings]

You don't need to worry about what men think FACT this is all about YOU,but fwiw confident equals sexy imo.

[Patienceobtainsallthings]

The world is ur oyster and u don't need a bloke to validate u.we can all learn to be strong confident women ,we just make that choice.enjoy ur freedom,nourish and heal urself now ,u deserve it x

[ScaredyPants]

I am actually quite happy just being single. I think though that some people think being single is weird, sometimes I get the impression from friends that they think it's unhealthy to have not even had sex with anyone else since my relationship ended a year ago. But I don't want to be a notch on someones bedpost and would rather wait for a relationship, but at the moment I am not really bothered about one. I was hurt quite a lot by the only other man I let get close emotionally, and it's so embarrassing (infact I won't go into details here because it makes me feel so stupid) but I don't think I am over it and I don't really know how to let go. I went off on a tangent there sorry about that

[Patienceobtainsallthings]

I've spent all nite posting on another thread about my X keeping me hooked in.its killing me right now.he has been with his new gf since the summer he is 42 she is 21.he finally admitted it on Friday.I know now its over but 16 yrs and 2 kids is a long time.in the end I just replaced one addiction with another.but I loved him so much.anyway I'm getting divorced and need to move on and this time no addictions to fill in the gaps I have emotionally ,this time I want to do it right.its his lies that messed my head up bigtime.but I have known for so long I wouldn't be happy living with him.he left came back several times over the last 16mths but kept me hooked in while seeing her.anyway I know he isn't good for me but need to heal and break the addiction x

[ScaredyPants]

Thats totally understandable, 16 years is a really long time!! How horrible to find out about his much younger girlfriend. I'm sure you are much better off without him!! I actually had no problem leaving my ex (my kids dad) and was relieved really. The person I am stuck on I wasn't even really in a relationship with. Thats why it's so embarrassing. I let someone get close to me emotionally and they managed to fuck me over without even being in a relationship with me at all. I should be stronger than to let someone like that bother me but I just seem stuck on it. I know I need to let go but it's really hard knowing how.

[Patienceobtainsallthings]

Thanks scaredy for ur kind reply.for me I know its all connected.my lack of self esteem falling into a bad relationship and STAYING thats the addiction part.I should have been able to walk away years ago.I did walk away but x2 he asked me back and I went.got married had kids. He just didn't like all the hard work involved with having kids.anyway his car crash re 21 ,more lessons for me in breaking this bloody addiction once and for all.if u ever want to write on the dumplings threads on relationships ur very welcome lots of lovely wise ladies to chat to about break ups and moving on,just a good safe place to dump stuff when u need or have a laff too.hope u have a good day today x

[ScaredyPants]

It sounds like despite being in that bad relationship trap you are working on getting your self esteem up so are learning to let go of him!! It's definitely easier to keep going back than to let go. He doesn't sound like a very strong person himself if he has to go and find a much younger girl to make himself feel better.

I might think about posting on there, I still just feel totally embarrassed and stupid over it. It's like I can't move on without him admitting that he was wrong and a total wanker but theres no chance I will ever get that I don't think!!

Had a nice day yesterday, I don't think I can face another birthday cake for a while after 2 in 2 days!! Need to go food shopping today so going to try and get back to normality now that birthday is out of the way.