Insomnia friends; bye bye 2010 the year of bad sleep, hello 2011 the year of good sleep!

[BeckyBendyLegs]

How about this then everyone?

Oh dear madmouse are you not feeling too good either?

No not really

Am quite low, and it seems to be caused by many different things.

And currently obsessed (again....) with losing the support of my nearest and dearest as surely they will get fed up...

Oh no I am so sorry you are feeling like that

If you are talking about the person I think you are talking about, I don't think you will ever lose his support or that he will ever get fed up of you.

Well that's a big fear Getdown but there's DH (why can't I be happy now he is finally doing well ), other real life friends, and you guys too...

Have banned myself from putting anything on facebook relating to how I'm feeling.

that's why I stopped posting for a bit - felt like 'Oh here's she is again with her moaning'.

Oh madmouse You know well enough that no one on here would EVER think that. This board is FOR support, no one would deny anyone that.

So Sad that everyones feeling a bit

Getdown Never had experience of miscarriage but remember waiting for 12 weeks scan was excruciating as I too was utterly convinced my baby had died. Just know that you have support.

madmouse This thread is about support for those who need it and at the moment your obviously one of them so dont be worried about "moaning" not a single person on here will think badly of you. I have only been posting for a short time but have already come to think of this thread as my little insomnia family and in my parts we look after family

Come on Guys... Group Hug to cheers us all up!

Madmouse please, please, please don't. Stop! I want you to share with us the downs and the ups. The everythings! That's what we're here for. I am cross to think you feel you don't feel you should share your thoughts, negative or otherwise. You definitely should share them. I want you to! I will never, ever think 'oh here she is moaning'. I've never thought that. Do you know what goes through my head when I read a post from you, or anyone else here, which is sad, down, fed up, etc? I think 'they need more than I can give' and I feel frustrated that I can't just pop over to see you, or whoever, give you a hug, a cup of tea, a slice of cake, a mars bar, or whatever.

GROUP HUG!!!!!!

Ditto xx

Thank you

I do appreciate the kind words honest.

I wish I knew what was going on. I feel like I'm a shell, functioning on the outside, falling apart inside. I seem really angry, mostly with me and with trivial things.

DH is very happy and that he hasn't been for many years so I go along with that.

I'm pushing my dear friend away. I know he's concerned.

I'm so angry at feeling so low. It's like the last 10-20% of the PTSD is harder to heal from and takes longer than the rest. My friend sent me a message last night saying I'd be in trouble with him if i gave up now because I'm nearly there. so I said well may have to find out what that means then because I've been 'nearly there' for too long and I'm so tired.

Some has to do with ds - it's his 3rd birthday on Tuesday, which is also the 3rd anniversary of the worst experience of my life. And that pain was easier to deal with when I was still locked up inside.

well there you have it

I don't really know right now.

Madmouse your friend is right. Don't give up now. You'll be in trouble with us here too. You have achieved soooo much since I've known you. You are such a strong, amazing person but you don't seem to think you are. Please talk to your friend, he obviously wants you to. He's seen you through so much already.

It must be very hard for you to deal with the joy of your DS's birthday along side the memories of the time of his birth for you. It probably sounds easier sand than done but you just have to look forward, not back, celebrate your lovely, clever, smart, wonderful DS. Three is a fab age I think. I love three - they are moving from toddlerhood to littleboyhood - the world expands for them and they absorb so much in that time. Do something special for yourself as well on his birthday - to celebrate how far in these three years that you've come.

I'm thinking of you right now. I would urge you to call your friend though xxx

PS Don't be angry at yourself, I don't like to think of you being so angry about this :(

madmouse you say you're tired. It's not surprising considering how much you've been through.

Try and do little things for you to look after yourself and recharge your batteries. Maybe a nice relaxing bath, a good book if you can concentrate and some soothing music. Try and take one day at a time. You will probably find that when Tuesday comes it won't be so bad as the build up to it.

Big Hug x

DS's birth meant both the trigger that brought all the abuse memories back and the trauma of nearly losing him. And I'm a bit more aware than normal of the things he can't do that other 3 year olds can, like walking and talking (properly)

That's hard for you, so sorry:(

See this is what I mean -just bring everything down. Enough!

Sorry I can't take the pain away but I'm here if you need me x

You are not bringing everything down - please don't say that. Other people, us lot, friends, etc can sympathise and even empathise with your sadness without being 'brought down'.

Madmouse I've just seen your post on the 'running away' thread. Please let us know how you are doing today. I'm worried about you :(

Sorry Becky didn't mean to worry you

Just had a particularly bad night last night x

I hope things are better today x

I wish these images would leave me alone for a bit. Hope it will be better after ds's birthday.

But I keep returning to the exact moment during the hairy part of my labour when i felt so utterly scared and helpless (was helpless physically too) that it brought back all the abuse stuff.

And the image of ds in the incubater, covered in wires, intubated, soundlessly crying,trying to pull the tube out. Soon he would be unconscious.

And it's not just me it seems - I talked to dh this morning and he's emailed me this

Madmouse I feel for you x That article is lovely.

I had a bad night last night. I just let all the anxiety of work, my stupid sadness that DS3 seems to prefer DH to me (and guilt about feeling bad about it), DH's job search, DS1 going to Symphany Hall today in B'ham to sing, and everything get to me and I just couldn't let go to fall asleep. Then I panicked, woke DH about three times until 2am when finally my body gave in. I was awake again at 5am with Pack Up by Eliza Doolittle going around and around my head. All the memories of my really bad sleep days came flooding back and my stomach is in knots. I feel sick. I need a good telling off! Silly, silly, silly me. The best way to describe the anxiety I felt at 2am was like being crushed, it is horrible. I hate it. I just start thinking really horrible things when I can't sleep and I am scared of getting like that, never mind feeling tired the next day :( How do I overcome the fear of the 2am dark thoughts? I don't know.

I don't want to go back there again :( Last year was horribe.

Becky

Big hug - It is horrible when things get on top of you like that x

Now tell me honestly when your last bad night was before this one....Do you notice they are getting further and further between?

You are slowly but surely getting better. Well done. Be kind to yourself today and keep on going xx